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Feeling sad and disappointed that in-laws have been seeing loads of people just before we travel to visit them and won't LFT.

33 replies

mummabubs · 24/12/2021 22:18

Just need a space to vent I think. I appreciate that different people have different opinions about all this.

We have travelled 200 miles to stay with my family now and had planned to see my DH's family on boxing day and stay with them for two nights. They know my mother is CEV and they also have two members of their own family who are CV. We've listened to months of them talking about how hard they're trying to shield the two members of their own family who are CV (95 year old relative and younger adult with complex health needs who isn't able to advocate for themselves and lives with my in-laws) and how annoyed they are with people not being sensible during covid and putting themselves ahead of others etc. Both of the CV individuals will be there on Boxing Day. I'm also recovering from a really nasty chest infection (non-covid) which I've been advised could make me vulnerable to covid given other health conditions.

With covid rates rising sharply we've been really consciously careful in the ten days before travelling - both worked from home, didn't attend Christmas parties, I've seen one friend last week (outdoors) and been conscious of mask wearing and social distancing etc. We also LFT'd before travelling down today to do as much as we could to ensure that we're not a risk to any of our family. In-laws knew we've been doing all of this and why. Covid rates are really high currently where our families live compared to where we do.

We've just learned that in the last week my MiL and FiL have had three different sets of friends over to dinner in their house and to stay overnight (all from different parts of the UK and back to back visits) and are actually having more friends travel to see them at home tomorrow, the day before we are seeing them. SiL and BiL have been to panto, leisure centres, the theatre and indoor grottos, all within the last few days. All have said they don't believe in, and therefore won't, LFT. Apparently they all decided they just wanted to have a good Christmas and enjoy themselves incase we go into a lockdown. Given the volume of mixing they've all been doing with no masks or distancing (and including some of the friends who haven't been vaccinated through choice) I think there's a realistic chance that they may have been exposed to covid in the last week and therefore have sharply risen our chances of catching it.

Part of me knows that they are entitled to spend their Christmas as they like, but the main part of me right now feels really sad/angry/let down that they don't appear to care at all about putting our family at risk and didn't think it was worth communicating with us about their new plans to socialise en masse. The fact they also refuse to LFT is honestly making me not want to go, but I know this isn't realistically an option given my DH will still want to see them and our DD has been excited to see her grandparents and cousins. I guess I feel foolish that I've been careful to try and respect what they've been saying about wanting others to protect their vulnerable family members and have made changes and sacrifices to try and aid this, but then actually when it counts they have actually seen more people than they would in a normal week before Christmas and won't even lft to try and minimise the risk or help us to make an informed decision as to whether we should be arranging to see them. It's affected how I view them to be honest as we'd all appeared to be on the same page when discussing being careful before Christmas... And that was before Omicron was even in the picture! Urgh.

OP posts:
Pepperama · 24/12/2021 22:41

Sounds awful. Very hard not to go but I’d be fuming, try to stay as short as poss and be opening windows all the time. I might consider not going if there’s any way to explain to the kid

Realitea · 24/12/2021 22:45

I think I’d have to tell them that if they can’t be responsible then you’re not going

mummabubs · 24/12/2021 22:48

@Pepperama

Sounds awful. Very hard not to go but I’d be fuming, try to stay as short as poss and be opening windows all the time. I might consider not going if there’s any way to explain to the kid
They have the heating on max and windows shut all the time as their vulnerable relative struggles to stay warm 🤦🏻‍♀️ Don't think there's a way to explain it to DD and my DH has said we'll just have to accept the risk. I don't even want to hug any of them when we arrive, never mind spend the next few days with them to be honest.
OP posts:
mummabubs · 24/12/2021 22:49

@Realitea

I think I’d have to tell them that if they can’t be responsible then you’re not going
It feels a bit late for that as they all decided to go ahead with their plans so the 'damage' is done. If we didn't have a child I'd honestly be telling my husband that I'd not be going.
OP posts:
ilovesooty · 24/12/2021 22:51

Why is your husband saying that you will just have to take the risk rather than trying to persuade his parents to test? I really wouldn't want to go either.

massiveblob · 24/12/2021 22:51

They are clearly on a totally different page. If you lived near us I'd almost guarantee that someone has it as it's that rife that a huge % of families have had to cancel plans etc due to LFT +ve. Wrong as it is, I can see why people won't test.

Datsandcogs · 24/12/2021 22:52

Is it possible to reduce your visit to a meal or a walk in the park?

SW1amp · 24/12/2021 22:54

If you’ve got an underlying condition, you can’t go, surely

And surely your husband understands and supports this

Your DD might be disappointed for a few days but that’s nothing compared to you all getting ill and her missing everything for 10 days

It would be risky enough to go after all their mixing but if they refuse to LFT, it’s absolute lunacy

mummabubs · 24/12/2021 22:54

@ilovesooty

Why is your husband saying that you will just have to take the risk rather than trying to persuade his parents to test? I really wouldn't want to go either.
He's very conflict-avoidant and doesn't want to upset his family. That scares him more than the idea of upsetting me I think.
OP posts:
mummabubs · 24/12/2021 22:56

@Datsandcogs

Is it possible to reduce your visit to a meal or a walk in the park?
Unfortunately as it's a 200 mile journey home and a little trip to get from my parents to them I don't think this is doable really. Also DH has decided he's happy to overlook it all for the sake of a 'quiet' visit. I admit I was quite upset but I said earlier I can play the polite DiL role but if we catch covid after visiting them I'll never forgive them for it.
OP posts:
mummabubs · 24/12/2021 22:58

@massiveblob

They are clearly on a totally different page. If you lived near us I'd almost guarantee that someone has it as it's that rife that a huge % of families have had to cancel plans etc due to LFT +ve. Wrong as it is, I can see why people won't test.
This is my thought. It baffles me as MiL was utterly distraught at the family Christmas get together being cancelled last year but it seems like she's happy to risk it all this year?? Although I suppose if they don't ever lft then they won't know if they're truly risking it.
OP posts:
Quarantino · 24/12/2021 22:58

Are you seeing them then going home, or are you seeing anyone after that would be put at risk?
Personally I'd just go for a brief visit and not stay. I understand everyone is almost certainly going to get it at some point but I'd rather it wasn't right now, particularly when it's avoidable.

Quarantino · 24/12/2021 23:00

It's not so much their mixing but the refusal to test which is really unreasonable. That's all they have to do to make a big difference to your safety.

mummabubs · 24/12/2021 23:01

@Quarantino

Are you seeing them then going home, or are you seeing anyone after that would be put at risk? Personally I'd just go for a brief visit and not stay. I understand everyone is almost certainly going to get it at some point but I'd rather it wasn't right now, particularly when it's avoidable.
I was hoping to meet up with my family again afterwards as my sister is moving abroad in a few weeks time so I've been desperate to make the most of it. But I've told them today that in light of all this I'm not going to see them after we've seen DH's family, especially as my mum is CEV.
OP posts:
mummabubs · 24/12/2021 23:01

@Quarantino

It's not so much their mixing but the refusal to test which is really unreasonable. That's all they have to do to make a big difference to your safety.
100%. It feels so selfish.
OP posts:
ilovesooty · 24/12/2021 23:03

Given that you're losing time with your sister I think your husband is letting you down big time.

MiddleParking · 24/12/2021 23:04

If it’s very important to you to not catch Covid I wouldn’t go LFT or not.

Canigooutyet · 24/12/2021 23:05

Spend more time with your family, and the days you would have gone back spend that time with the in-laws

Frazzled2207 · 24/12/2021 23:06

@Quarantino

It's not so much their mixing but the refusal to test which is really unreasonable. That's all they have to do to make a big difference to your safety.
This. Not just your safety but everyone’s safety. How can they “not believe in” LFTs? They are not foolproof but the least we can do frankly.

Your dh should be saying that because you are currently vulnerable you (all) Don’t want to come unless they have clear LFTs.

SW1amp · 24/12/2021 23:07

Jeez OP, it gets worse with each of your posts

See your sister, not those fuckwits!
Your husband needs to grow a pair ASAP and say you’re not going

HundredMilesAnHour · 24/12/2021 23:07

I'd refuse to visit them unless they test beforehand. End of discussion.

SonicBroom · 24/12/2021 23:08

Urgh.

IME people hugely underestimate their own risk. Also, another divide has opened up whereby the older generation think that they’re generally much more wise and sensible than irresponsible younger generations amongst whom covid is rife, so therefore as long as you’re mixing with other sage, wise, sensible older people then you’ll be fine. The problem is all these people are also mixing with their own children and grandchildren, whom of course are fine because they’re family… so it’s only a matter of time until really everything is not fine :-(

Tryagainplease · 24/12/2021 23:15

In the nicest possible way, I think you are being unreasonable here.
It’s up to you to manage your own risk and up to them to manage theirs. If you wanted them to LFT before you visited, you should have made this clear to them in advance as this is you managing your own risk. You cannot decide to not communicate with them what you expect them to do in advance and then be annoyed that they haven’t done it.

Tryagainplease · 24/12/2021 23:17

Should have added, I also think you would be totally reasonable to refuse to visit if they don’t test. As you are responsible for your own risk assessment if that makes sense?

TheLadyGrayson · 24/12/2021 23:18

I don’t have any useful advice but I’m in a similar position with my ILs so I sympathise. It’s like the advice should be followed but conveniently goes out the window when it actually impacts them and their plans and what they want to do. 🙄 So rather than let us know they’d been exposed to Covid, they decide to come into our house maskless and then drop it into conversation all matter of fact. No consideration of our plans to see other vulnerable people around Christmas. I think so many people have been cautious in the run up to Christmas for their more vulnerable family members, and it’s rubbish when you’re not afforded the same courtesies. I’m sorry and I hope you can enjoy the time with your family. Flowers

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