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Original poster

Disagreement with DH: I don’t feel safe staying with PILS.

29 replies

JarvisCockersRightEyebrow · 22/12/2021 08:16

I’ll try to keep this short! I am in the third trimester of a scary high risk pregnancy and I’ve had one vaccine. Second one due after Christmas.

DH and I were due to spend Christmas itself with my parents, they live just the two of them, and have been isolating for 10 days, not because they’ve had covid, but because it was decided that was the best way to minimise risk and make things as safe as they can be for me. We’re all taking daily LFT.

We were due to stay at PILs for a few days over New Year. We didn’t ask PIL to isolate, which is on us, (didn’t ask mine to either) but it didn’t occur to me that they’d be doing quite so much socialising over Christmas. We had already talked about their plans for Christmas, but yesterday they mentioned that they’re in fact seeing numerous relatives and other people over Christmas and in the days right before we’d be due to stay there. Perhaps this is my fault, but it genuinely didn’t occur to me that they’d want to see so many people. It’s unusual for them.

Huge row with DH ensues, as I said I don’t feel comfortable with this level of extra risk, and I don’t want to stay with PIL now. DH obviously does want to. It’s all still totally unresolved.

What would you do in my shoes?

OP posts:
Solasum · 22/12/2021 08:19

Why don’t you stay at home and rest/stay longer with your parents, and he can visit his parents?

Original poster
JarvisCockersRightEyebrow · 22/12/2021 08:21

@Solasum

Why don’t you stay at home and rest/stay longer with your parents, and he can visit his parents?
I’ve suggested exactly this, but he says he doesn’t want to be away from me just in case. We live 200 miles from my my parents, and PILs are another 100 miles further.
OP posts:
crazycrochetlady · 22/12/2021 08:22

I'd stick to my guns. Your health and baby's health are priorities if there are medical issues going on.
I put my foot down about travelling for Xmas when I was 8 months pregnant. FiL memorably didn't get it, but accepted it. Had a lovely cosy Christmas with husband. I don't get why grown ups feel obliged to 'go home' for Xmas. My DS is married now and the minute he decides he'd rather stay put I have mentally promised myself not to kick off about it!

Jacaranda75 · 22/12/2021 08:24

OP, New Year plans are probably going to be cancelled anyway.

U8976532 · 22/12/2021 08:24

Is it sensible to be 200-300 miles away from your primary care in your third trimester of a high risk pregnancy? I understand both of your concerns, can you stay home and your parents visit you?

DSGR · 22/12/2021 08:24

Seeing your parents sounds fine, staying with his does not. Look, they have a right to see who they want over Christmas. I’d tell DH to go ahead and stay at home, just say you’re so worried about the pregnancy and having only had one vaccine. Just be adamant.
I don’t know why you’ve only had one vaccine instead of two but well done on having it anyway. You could pick up Omicron anywhere but I’d be laying low through this infection wave as you are vulnerable

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 22/12/2021 08:25

We live 200 miles from my my parents, and PILs are another 100 miles further

Stay at your folls over new year, he can then only be 100miles away, and pick you up on his way home.

TeacherMa · 22/12/2021 08:27

I would feel okay as long as everyone did LFTs. There is risk everywhere of contracting this virus. Unless you are 100% socially distancing from everyone, including your husband, I don't think you visiting his parents (providing they have a negative LFT) would carry enough additional risk to warrant me feeling as anxious as you do. I'd crack on, be extra vigilant with hand washing and enjoy my day with my loved ones.

Dimondsareforever · 22/12/2021 08:28

How about he goes and you stay at home?
In your shoes I wouldn’t want to either. And I think your parents are lovely for being really considerate towards you so you can all spend time together.
Your husband may come round … maybe just the disappointment of not going took over him. But when he properly thinks about it he knows that the right thing to do is not go.
(Ideally he wouldn’t go either as if they did have covid, he could be bringing it back to you).

However, on a side note, are you guys SI and not doing any social activities, not going to work etc … basically shielding yourself?? What about after NY are either of you going out to work etc … if so I suspect that will form part of his argument. ‘I have to leave the house anyway for work etc… so what’s the difference?’ …

invinoveritass · 22/12/2021 08:28

Personally I don't think you should be 200+ miles away from your consult when you are in 3T of a high risk pregnancy - that is absolutely your biggest risk here. Why can't your parents come to you?

Original poster
JarvisCockersRightEyebrow · 22/12/2021 08:29

Probably not, honestly. But my condition (blood issues/auto immune condition) is well managed and I’m 32 weeks so not expecting to go into labour imminently. Parents can’t visit here sadly, not mobile enough.

OP posts:
Original poster
JarvisCockersRightEyebrow · 22/12/2021 08:31

Thanks for the thoughts. It’s probably better to just stay at home, seems a shame for my mum and dad, and this will be the second Christmas we’ve spent on our own, but I guess it’s the safest way.

OP posts:
Ozanj · 22/12/2021 08:32

If you’re in the 3rd trimester of a high risk pregnancy then travelling anywhere is a stupid idea. Just stay at home full stop. If anyone wants to come and see you then they can

Billyliarohdear · 22/12/2021 08:33

I'd be staying at home.
I think it's madness to travel even 100 miles.
Id personally be telling both sets of parents that they're welcome to visit but you're staying home- sorry for the late notice.

AgentDavid · 22/12/2021 08:45

Not a chance! I gave the same issue with my ILs and their socialising.

I've told my DH I can't stop them doing what they want but they can't force me to socialise in scenarios I'm not comfortable with (they seem to think they're entitled to visits etc. and I shouldn't worry about covid, colds and flu) DH can do what he wants. But when I was heavily pregnant I told him the level of risk I was willing for him to take and still come home as, like you, I had a high risk pregnancy and I was not willing to accept another loss out of "obligation".

Whathefisgoingon · 22/12/2021 08:49

OP, I am 100% with you.

MsTSwift · 22/12/2021 08:53

You can get into early practice of prioritising your own and your baby’s needs / safety over the whims of other adults. Not easy but has to be done.

ClaudiaJ1 · 22/12/2021 09:09

YANBU. I wouldn't want to stay with his parents either, BUT you can't assume everyone is a mindreader, you should have asked them to isolate. It probably never even occurred to them.

I would still go to your parents, it's not fair to not see them when they put in the effort to isolate. Please don't punish them. Instead, go to see them (or get your DH to drive there and pick them up to bring them back to your house), but make plans for an extended visit with your ILs sometime after the baby is born. But please, don't punish your parents when they have already made the effort.

sachaf08 · 22/12/2021 09:09

I think you’re completely right OP. Your DH will be disappointed but he’ll be more upset surely if you caught covid and anything happened to you or the baby. There’s a lot of it about at the moment and particularly in the third trimester/single jabbed your risk is higher than it would usually be at the moment. Of course, chances are if you do catch it you’ll be absolutely fine, but I think you can argue it’s a risk not worth taking for the sake of a trip to see the in laws.

TallulahsCurse · 22/12/2021 09:09

I am the most easy going about covid. I couldn't give any less of a shit. I've not shielded and I am CEV and I for one will be glad to see less (and hopefully one day no isolation).

BUT you're pregnant. And I have never once thought a pregnant woman should take anything less than the most precautions that you possibly can, especially in the 3rd trimester. Nothing is more important than that baby right now. Christmas is one day of a year which is massively hyped up and is consumerism gone mad... You can miss it to keep your baby safe and I really think you should.

ifonly4 · 22/12/2021 09:11

I really don't think Boris will let you go anyway at that point! Dare I say it, you could always wake up the day before feeling achy and fatigued - signs of Omicron but not ones you need to test for - it'd be better if you stayed at home!

If not, is there's a compromise. They can be the first in family to stay or see DB?

DecayedStrumpet · 22/12/2021 09:19

Are you on immunosuppressive medication for the autoimmune condition? That would make it even more important not to get covid.

justasking111 · 22/12/2021 09:20

Please have your second vaccine. Reading about pregnant women intubated Three out of ten one nurse said in her hospital. You're risking two lives now

pianolessons1 · 22/12/2021 09:28

You're so stressed about covid that you've only had one vaccine?

Iwonder08 · 22/12/2021 09:34

OP, you are heavily pregnant and as far as I am concerned can do what you want, covid or not. Don't go to PIL and rest at home. I wouldn't even blame covid, just say you feel tired and you need to rest at home.

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