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Original poster

Education or Contact with Father? DD can’t have both if school closes

36 replies

CantHaveBothChooseone · 17/12/2021 19:45

ExH will not see DD for the court ordered contact if the schools close and she is offered a place under vulnerable child (she has SN and an EHCP and school support plan). She’s 7, school year 3.

He has his reasons which are his but due to this DD can’t have both. So either her relationship with her father suffers or her education does as her SN means she can’t access home learning.

He refuses phone contact when he doesn’t see her (its written into the CAO that he can have it twice per week but he never speaks to her, even though I make her available) so she could go 6, 8, 12 weeks or longer without speaking to him – we’ve only just settled her back into a contact routine again as he only normally has EOW for 1 night contact so she’s only stayed with him about 18 times since the last lockdown as he doesn’t have contact at his house (his own choice, he lives a few hours away and comes back to the area and has her overnight at another house, he couldn’t take her there in lockdown due to the restrictions) so she didn’t see him at all between November 2020 and March 2021.

I’m leaning one way but won’t say which way right now.

She suffered so badly not seeing him last time and has taken ages to settle back into the routine, but she also suffered education wise as she couldn’t access home learning (didn’t have EHCP or SSP until June for reasons not down to school, her teachers tried to get her a place but the HT kept saying no).

So WWYD? Contact or education?

I’m planning this now in the hope I don’t have to enact my plan, but I like to be organised.

OP posts:
FlibbertyGiblets · 17/12/2021 19:47

She goes to school and you take it back to court?

PotteringAlong · 17/12/2021 19:48

Education.

dementedpixie · 17/12/2021 19:49

ExH sounds like an asshole
I'd choose school tbh

BlessedBeTheFruitCake · 17/12/2021 19:50

Education. He could FaceTime etc if he chooses but doesn’t sound like he would do. Having a complex needs child myself I think it’s important dc still attends school for their sake and respite for the parents.

NellieBertram · 17/12/2021 19:50

@FlibbertyGiblets

She goes to school and you take it back to court?
Go back to court to do what? A court can’t force a father to have contact if he doesn’t want to.

Sounds like education will be more use to get in the long run.

Policyschmolicy · 17/12/2021 19:50

Education!

Whinge · 17/12/2021 19:50

Definitely school.

Tatum1234 · 17/12/2021 19:52

School

EverNapping · 17/12/2021 19:52

Education. Education. Education.

Whinge · 17/12/2021 19:52

I’m leaning one way but won’t say which way right now.

Also you don't need to say which side you're leaning towards. No one in their right mind would prioritise contact with him over her education. Especially as it's been so sporadic for the last 2 years, and he refuses to phone or facetime when he doesn't see her.

whatnumber · 17/12/2021 19:55

He refuses phone contact when he doesn’t see her (its written into the CAO that he can have it twice per week but he never speaks to her, even though I make her available) so she could go 6, 8, 12 weeks or longer without speaking to him

If this is his attitude I would prioritise school. WTF wouldn't he spend 10mins on the phone to his DD a couple of times a week if he isn't seeing her.
She deserves better and I wouldn't lose her place at school for him to change his mind when it suits him.
Sorry you are in this situation.

McFarts · 17/12/2021 19:57

Well her education i would imagine offers her far more support than her bloody father does!

I have tbh though im struggling to see why she cant still see him EOW if she attends school as a vulnerable child, like she has been doing any other school week.

wildseas · 17/12/2021 19:58

I would go for school and then (despite probably resenting it) do masses to support some sort of contact. So, for example, would he meet half way outside at a park for an hours play together on «his» weekends? Shit I know but probably the least worst option for dd

Original poster
CantHaveBothChooseone · 17/12/2021 19:59

Reason she can't is because the house he has contact at has a CEV member of the household, they're vaccinated but the vaccine hasn't worked basically and that person has tested to have no antibodies (the household are related to ExH and DD).

DD cannot travel to ExH house EOW due to restrictions on being the car for longer than 45 minutes in one go and he lives too far away.

OP posts:
LIZS · 17/12/2021 20:01

But presumably he could visit her and go somewhere like a park, if he wanted to.

Original poster
CantHaveBothChooseone · 17/12/2021 20:02

He can't come to my house @LIZS and he says he's not travelling 2 hours or longer to only see her outside for a few minutes.

OP posts:
McFarts · 17/12/2021 20:03

Do you mean she wouldnt manage more than a 45 minute drive because of her special needs? That i understand (I have 3 kids with SEND). I wasnt aware of any journey over 45 mins not being allowed for contact arrangements.

underneaththeash · 17/12/2021 20:03

Sounds like a crap father. I’d just let the contact drop.
He can get back in contact when he wants to see her.

Original poster
CantHaveBothChooseone · 17/12/2021 20:03

Last time he tried to see her a bit on his Saturday but stopped as he was bringing her back after 30 mins or so as she was cold and fed up. So he said it wasn't worth the travel or petrol costs.

OP posts:
Original poster
CantHaveBothChooseone · 17/12/2021 20:04

@McFarts she has a specific reason she can't travel more than 45 minutes so court have written in the order that contact will take place at his nearby relatives house instead as he moved then took me to court.

OP posts:
Whinge · 17/12/2021 20:05

@CantHaveBothChooseone

He can't come to my house *@LIZS* and he says he's not travelling 2 hours or longer to only see her outside for a few minutes.
He could phone or facetime but chooses not to. He doesn't give a shit about your daughter and is using any excuse not to see her.
McFarts · 17/12/2021 20:18

[quote CantHaveBothChooseone]@McFarts she has a specific reason she can't travel more than 45 minutes so court have written in the order that contact will take place at his nearby relatives house instead as he moved then took me to court.[/quote]
I hear you, in that case i would choose school over and above her contact with her father.

Bubblty · 17/12/2021 20:24

@CantHaveBothChooseone

Last time he tried to see her a bit on his Saturday but stopped as he was bringing her back after 30 mins or so as she was cold and fed up. So he said it wasn't worth the travel or petrol costs.
Well if he can't be bothered then I definitely wouldn't be making any special effort for him. I totally understand his reasons for wanting to be cautious at the CEV person's house but it's up to him if he is willing to do a sensible alternative which it sounds like he isn't. So it's not your problem.
NotTheGrinchAgain · 17/12/2021 20:25

What a difficult decision to make. Sadly I think I would choose education over her dad. And I'd beg him to contact her by phone, or FaceTime or whatever.

I don't believe an omicron lockdown would last as long as our second lockdown, as o think most people will benefit from boosted vaccination. So in that case, missing school would be a bigger hassle and disruption than missing her dad. She might well see him again within a couple of months.

Hopefully the schools stay open and you won't have to pick.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 17/12/2021 21:04

Education. Because her dad sounds shit to be honest.