Denialism

[julietmanchester]

Im married to a man who pretends covid isn't real. It's becoming too much to put up with him anymore. If I want to discuss higher rates or surge of any kind, he literally tells me to shut up and he won't listen to my 'covid obsession'

Any advice? Move out?

I’m struggling to decide if he really is a Covid denier/ conspiracy theorist or if he is just sick of it all and wants to get on with his life.

It’s not really clear from your posts to be honest.

If it’s just as case that he just wants to get on with life, then really he isn’t doing anything ‘wrong’. There are many people that acknowledge that Covid is real and serious.

However, to be frank if you have had both vaccines then really what more can you do at the moment.

Covid is going nowhere, it will never be eradicated. We need to find a way to live with the virus. At the moment that is what the world is trying to figure out.

“There are many people that acknowledge that Covid is real and serious…”

…but who don’t want to obsess with statistics and just want to make the best of a rubbish situation.

@UsedUpUsername

Nearly a thousand people are dying per day in Florida alone

Ummm gonna need the stats on that one. Sounds like BS to me

www.miamiherald.com/news/coronavirus/article254317803.html

Has he always denied Covid (in which cases in was surely a much bigger problem when we were in lockdown) or just that now he believes we shouldn't obsess over it and just get back to living our lives as normal and that Covid is now just one of the many risks we have to accept.

It feels like the latter... if so, he's probably in the majority.

The issue doesn't seem to be so much that having differing perspectives... Nearly all partnerships experience that at some level and time. It's more than he's dismissive of your feelings as he doesn't share them.

You want to talk about covid, he doesn't, you decide this means you need to move out. Sounds like there's bigger issues going on in the relationship here than differing views on covid.

*I’m struggling to decide if he really is a Covid denier/ conspiracy theorist or if he is just sick of it all and wants to get on with his life.

It’s not really clear from your posts to be honest.*

This.

OP, is he vaccinated? Are either of you particularly vulnerable (and/or unvaccinated) so it’s something you think he should be taking more attention of?

DH and I are not in denial about anything and got our vaccinations as soon as our age group came up but I can’t imagine him wanting to talk about or caring at all if I tell him how many cases there are at school. Not that I know if there are any actually, I just don’t know. No one has discussed it or asked on our school WhatsApp either.
My DM is a secondary school teacher almost at retirement. She’ll take her booster as soon as it’s offered naturally but she’s not once mentioned if there are cases at her school or not (I assume there would be the odd one at a minimum as it’s a big school). Not everyone wants to discuss surges and case numbers.

Covid is real. But cases are falling.

@UsedUpUsername you are misunderstanding the term endemic. We are still currently in the midst of a pandemic like it or not and contrary to what the tories want you to believe.

@LuchiMangsho

Well COVID has killed 1 in 500 Americans. The vast majority of the world is unvaccinated. Nearly a thousand people are dying per day in Florida alone. It has shown up huge global inequities in public health. If I wanted to discuss this someone and they thought it was a conspiracy I would have zero respect for them.

Thank you for this reality. Here in Ireland I have quit all chat boards etc as the idea that covid is a scam or just the common cold is rife. And denial is perpetuating and exacerbating the situation and folk are even more fed up than here or restrictions and breaking them all along the way- and boasting about it. .. Oh and sneering at those who do take it seriously and who stay home etc. Little re it being a conspiracy though. We do have an excellent govt who acted immediately and stringently as soon as covid hit and that saved countless lives - but of course they got sneered at. Maybe it also depends on if you have been directly affected? My faith-family work in India with abandoned newborn girls and we lost five family and innumerable babies to covid. Seeing loved ones cremated in the street makes denial impossible . I suspect the sneerers maybe there as well as here have not lost anyone? Or.. was it just an old wan who .... Sorry; I hear that far too much. Life becomes more precious when you know the sands of time are running out and this is something I experience fully now as eighty looms ever closer. The just let us carry on as normal ones.... Head in the sand

Quitting before I ...… Safe and snug in my total isolation. But not everyone who is vulnerable has this privilege.

There's a difference between being a COVID denier thinking it's all a hoax/ conspiracy and not wanting to immerse yourself in Covid news debate 24/7. There were periods when I couldn't take any more of the doom and deliberately avoided Covid conversations, news and SM for my sanity.

you seem not to understand what this winter is going to be like nationally

I mean we all lived through last winter, so I don’t think it’s particularly difficult to imagine. In terms of covid hospitalisations and deaths, this winter will hopefully be vastly better than last because of vaccines.
In terms of authoritarian restrictions that suck all the meaning and joy out of life (cancelling Christmas etc) - that depends on political will (and the attitudes of the media and public). The way things are going , I do have hope we will be spared those as well; certainly that was all that made my life a misery last winter.

OP your husband shouldn’t be telling you to shut up or shutting you down like that. He sounds horrible. On the other hand, not wanting to listen to someone bang on about covid surges and long covid in children is a perfectly reasonable position and doesn’t make someone insane or a covid denier. It sounds like the two of you are on very different pages. Unfortunately the political narratives around covid have become so toxic that they have divided many of us, including within families. 💔 if you want to work on the relationship, maybe try to see it from his perspective too

Sounds like you're both dealing with covid anxiety but have different ways of coping with it. You keep up to date with cases and surges while he prefers to ignore it and hope it goes away. Maybe he's struggling with the changes more than he's letting on?

@bumblingbovine49 why would anyone exaggerate to you- on a British forum- the deaths in Florida? For what cause? FWIW I’m trying to treat Covid with respect now but not let it rule our lives, as we are lucky enough to not be CEV in this house, but your sneery “all these numbers have been cooked up to scare everyone, I’m just getting on with life now!” tone is really weird and unnecessary.

We all need to be sensible, take the precautions we can and be kind to one another, understanding that different people are dealing with different levels of risk and different anxieties. And we also need to not immediately jump on the back of anyone quoting a statistic we don’t like the sound of!

Thinks it isn't real or doesn't want to talk about it much? I'm not clear from your posts. If he thinks it's not real, that's (to say the least) an odd view (but I get the feeling that the small number of people who take this view do want to talk about it!)

Not wanting to talk about it all the time is entirely reasonable. I would get pretty fed up if DH constantly wanted to tell me stats of how many people are in hospital or whatever. Not all topics need constant discussion.

The article in the Miami Herald says the 7 day rolling average death toll is 378. That's not quite 1000 a day is it.

@Bizawit maybe you understand the message the CMO was giving about this winter, but the person I directed that comment to clearly did not.

The CMO said on Tuesday tha the danger is not all in the past.

Yes the vaccines are really positive. They are not going to prevent quite shocking levels of deaths potentially.

Thinks it isn't real or doesn't want to talk about it much? I'm not clear from your posts. If he thinks it's not real, that's (to say the least) an odd view (but I get the feeling that the small number of people who take this viewdowant to talk about it!)

Pretty much this! I find those who genuinely do deny covid is real or a problem are actually very vocal and love nothing more than discussing it.
You say he says you have a covid obsession, if you are talking about it constantly then it's no wonder he's told you to shut up. Just because someone doesn't want to talk about covid 24/7 doesn't make them in denial. Do you discuss other topics away from covid agreeably?

I don't think it is the least bit unclear. The OP says in her opening sentence that she is married to a man who pretends covid isn't real.

@LuchiMangsho
I have read a theory that due to lower than usual annual flu deaths in the winters preceding covid, there were a greater number of vulnerable adults in the UK population susceptible to covid. One of the reasons we were so badly hit. I think 20-30,000 excess has been given as the average for a UK winter? Will try and find the stats

@milkyaqua

I don't think it is the least bit unclear. The OP says in her opening sentence that she is married to a man who pretends covid isn't real.

But people have asked her to clarify what she means by this and it’s not clear. Not wanting to discuss or acknowledge a problem could be reasonably described as “pretending it isn’t real” / living in denial. But that is not the same as thinking covid doesn’t actually exist/ is a conspiracy etc. There are people who actually think there is no virus. It’s not clear if OPs husband is one of these people.

I find it odd that people still seem to know how many “cases” and “deaths” there are on a daily basis and then proceed to tell other people like it’s must know information. We are “living with covid” now and in my opinion that means not constantly talking about it and having it pushed down our throats, even the majority of media outlets have stopped reporting daily figures, and on holiday abroad last week no one mentioned the word and it didn’t feature on a single newspaper or news article so maybe you are the problem OP and your husband is just sick of hearing about it.

@julietmanchester

Perhaps it's different worldview but my mum even thinks it's dangerous to live with someone in such denial that she walks on egg shells if she wants to ask me how things are going at dc school in front of husband. She rings me later

She thinks it’s dangerous how? Like your children are more likely to get covid because of his attitude, or like he might be a danger to you/her if the subject is brought up in front of him?

I am at risk, I and my family have been vaccinated, I am still wary and conscious of the risks but tbh, I'm sick of discussing the bloody thing. I just want to get on with life as best as I can.

I never mention it unless asked whereas I have a friend who goes on about it every time I speak to her. She thinks there's "something fishy" about the vaccinations and won't get it. Fine! Completely her choice, just stop trying to justify it to me, I don't care!

Sorry, pressed too soon, what I meant was, if either one of you goes on about it too much, it would be highly irritating.
Hard to tell from your post if he actually thinks it's not real or if he genuinely just wants you to stop banging on about it.