Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Covid

Mumsnet doesn't verify the qualifications of users. If you have medical concerns, please consult a healthcare professional.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Help me handle this

57 replies

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 14/08/2021 19:44

A friend is hosting a small party to celebrate another friend's significant birthday. Due to poor weather forecast, the host has said the event will be indoors. A couple of the group won't socialise indoors and have been going to each of the rest of us independently to say how mean that is as they will now be excluded, she's only doing that to make it easier for her . I've told them that it wouldn't be pleasant for those who are ok to be indoors if they have to shiver outside to keep those who want it be outside happy. Apparently that makes the rest of us selfish, as we know they won't mix indoors . Host has. suggested everyone comes for pre-drinks outside, move in for food, at which point they could leave, which they have declined. Their choice, But it's causing a real rift and the Host is really upset,
How do I help make this better?

So as not to drip feed.... all been double vaccinated, no underlying conditions (as far as I know but a close knit group so am sure there aren't any), none of us work in environments that might make us vulnerable.

My personal view is that I respect people's wishes to continue isolating themselves from others, even though I think that's a bit OTT if not vulnerable, but don't think they should be bad mouthing those who are ready to move on.

Help please!

OP posts:

StarDrawers · 14/08/2021 19:47

I think those who are uncomfortable with being inside just have to graciously bow out. It's not being done intentionally, the weather is shit.

StarDrawers · 14/08/2021 19:48

I feel bad for the host

NewIdeasToday · 14/08/2021 19:51

We’re allowed to mix now and people can’t live in fear for ever. Completely up to the couple what they chose to do but they can’t expect everyone to stand out in bad weather with them.

lannistunut · 14/08/2021 20:02

This is what you have to contend with now, it is very hard on the host and rather awkward but it is the reality.

I am double vaccinated but am not keen to do indoor things. My reasons: I don't want to catch Covid if it can be avoided as I can not take time off work and I have a person close to me who I do not want to pass it on to.

I would therefore also be like your friends and decline - although I wouldn't try to persuade you and I wouldn't call you selfish.

You all have to choose between indoors or having these people there, that is just how it is.

XenoBitch · 14/08/2021 20:03

That is shit of the couple to be bad mouthing the host. Indoor mixing has been allowed for ages now, so the host is doing absolutely nothing wrong by holding the party indoors.
The couple have excluded themselves by being arseholes about it.
I hope you all have a nice time.

HelloMissus · 14/08/2021 20:05

It’s fine for them to decline but not whine about others not accommodating them.
I have this with my aunt.
She won’t meet indoors, but endlessly complains she’s lonely, being excluded.

lljkk · 14/08/2021 20:07

What do the no-socialise-indoors couple want the host to do?

HelloMissus · 14/08/2021 20:08

In terms of handling it, I’m just very very clear.
This is your choice.
I’m no longer accommodating it, unless I have to.

Original poster

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 14/08/2021 20:09

@lannistunut I understand why you and others feel like that, i have a lot of sympathy with those who are nervous of mixing indoors . I just think it's unfair for our lovely friend to be made to feel bad because she is 'excluding' those who don't want to be indoors. As PP said, if you don't want to mix with others, bow out graciously but don't make others feel bad who don't agree with your views.

OP posts:

HelloMissus · 14/08/2021 20:11

I started by accommodating it even when I didn’t want to.
That just made me grumpy.
So now I’m setting boundaries.
Only want to meet outdoor, full your boots. And sometimes I’ll join you when I’m in the mood.
Try to make all our collective socialising outdoors? No.

Original poster

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 14/08/2021 20:12

@lljkk

What do the no-socialise-indoors couple want the host to do?

They want the party to be outside, I quote ' we can put coats and hats on and bring blankets like we have done all year'.

Not going to happen but the host has been made to feel bad

OP posts:

HelloMissus · 14/08/2021 20:13

That’s exactly what my aunt did to my mum for her 80th.
Let’s sit outside.
No. My mum is bloody 80!!!

Original poster

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 14/08/2021 20:14

@HelloMissus

I started by accommodating it even when I didn’t want to. That just made me grumpy. So now I’m setting boundaries. Only want to meet outdoor, full your boots. And sometimes I’ll join you when I’m in the mood. Try to make all our collective socialising outdoors? No.

Id respect your views, as you are showing respect for others.

OP posts:

lannistunut · 14/08/2021 20:14

[quote RockingMyFiftiesNot]@lannistunut I understand why you and others feel like that, i have a lot of sympathy with those who are nervous of mixing indoors . I just think it's unfair for our lovely friend to be made to feel bad because she is 'excluding' those who don't want to be indoors. As PP said, if you don't want to mix with others, bow out graciously but don't make others feel bad who don't agree with your views. [/quote]
The issue presumably is there was an outdoor event planned to accomodate all, and now these people have been excluded by changing plans.

I am very lucky as most of my friends are also avoiding indoors, so we have not yet had conflict. We shall see how it goes when the weather changes!

Original poster

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 14/08/2021 20:17

@HelloMissus

In terms of handling it, I’m just very very clear. This is your choice. I’m no longer accommodating it, unless I have to.

I've tried that approach and get the 'just because you can, doesn't mean you should' response. I don't care that she isn't happy about it, I do care that a very generous friend has been made to feel so bad. She was all for cancelling the do, hopefully we have persuaded her otherwise.

OP posts:

Original poster

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 14/08/2021 20:21

The issue presumably is there was an outdoor event planned to accomodate all, and now these people have been excluded by changing plans. I am very lucky as most of my friends are also avoiding indoors, so we have not yet had conflict. We shall see how it goes when the weather changes!

It was only ever going to be outdoors to accommodate those who didn't want to be inside and that was always made clear. Host either upsets the couple of guests who don't want to be indoors or let's the rest of the guests shiver and possibly get rained on.
There's no need for conflict, just now out if the arrangements don't suit you, but certainly don't badmouth the host for doing her best for the majority.

OP posts:

lannistunut · 14/08/2021 20:25

@RockingMyFiftiesNot

That's fine - but at the end of the day the positions taken on both sides means the friendships are damaged. This is not a great outcome for anyone, whoever each side thinks is to blame.

What does the person with the birthday want more - indoors or everyone there?

Buzzinwithbez · 14/08/2021 20:26

Open up the house and garden. Let people vote with their feet whether they choose to be outside our in. That way it's not the host being blamed. Everyone has a choice.

Original poster

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 14/08/2021 20:26

. let's the rest

That was an unnoticed autocorrect, I do know how to use apostrophes!

OP posts:

Original poster

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 14/08/2021 20:28

@Buzzinwithbez

Open up the house and garden. Let people vote with their feet whether they choose to be outside our in. That way it's not the host being blamed. Everyone has a choice.

But then that's double the work for the host.

OP posts:

Wellbythebloodyhell · 14/08/2021 20:28

Your friends who are now declining the invite are being arses! Not for declining the invite but for making the host feel guilty for moving the party indoors due to the weather, what exactly did they expect everyone to do stand outside under an umbrella freezing? If people don't want to socialise indoors fine but don't guilt trip those who are happy to do so

lannistunut · 14/08/2021 20:29

But then that's double the work for the host. Hmm, then the host is choosing to exclude them. How can letting some people sit in teh garden be twice the work? Surely they just sit on a bench?

Original poster

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 14/08/2021 20:30

@Wellbythebloodyhell

My view exactly and have tried to convince the host that most of us feel the same way. For once. I really hope that both parties are on MN and reading this!

OP posts:

Original poster

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 14/08/2021 20:31

@lannistunut

But then that's double the work for the host. Hmm, then the host is choosing to exclude them. How can letting some people sit in teh garden be twice the work? Surely they just sit on a bench?

She's doing a dinner so will need to setup and serve x 2

OP posts:

lannistunut · 14/08/2021 20:32

I asked this earlier - I don't think there was an answer - sorry if I missed it:
What does the person with the birthday want more - indoors or everyone there?

Flip

1 2 3