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Original poster

Grandparents STILL will not see us

35 replies

Komandoo · 11/08/2021 16:07

I was wondering if anyone else is in this situation. I am feeling very sad. We have 3 sets of grandparents (DHs divorced and remarried) and have not seen any since Christmas 2019.

My parents live 3 hours away but say staying with us or in a hotel is too much of a risk due to covid. They originally said they would meet up after being vaccinated but have now changed their minds as they feel the vaccine is not sufficiently protective. We have offered to stay locally to them and meet them outdoors but they say it is too much expense and hassle for us.

My DHs Mum is also too worried to visit although her husband is ill which makes things understandably tricky. His Dad will be visiting for the first time soon but refuses to meet the grandchildren and will just be going out for lunch with my husband.

The whole situation makes me feel so sad. We have a nearly 2 year old who has only met his grandparents once when he was 3 months old.

I can't see things getting any safer this year. I have said to all grandparents that this summer makes more sense to meet up than in the winter when our older son is mixing at school. They said they would rather wait and see how things pan out.

It makes me so sad seeing other families getting back to normal. Neither my husband or I have any other family and prior to covid had a good relationship with our parents.

OP posts:
bellamountain · 11/08/2021 16:11

It's their loss. Get on with your life without them.

SpringRainbow · 11/08/2021 16:14

It’s really up to them, yes it is a shame but there is very little you can do at the moment.

Hopefully you can all meet up again soon.

emmathedilemma · 11/08/2021 16:16

they say it is too much expense and hassle for us surely it's up to you to decide if it's too expensive and too much hassle for you given you're the ones making the trip?!?
I don't understand people who are like this. Covid isn't going to go away completely, they were probably never neurotic about things like flu and sickness bugs going around so if they won't meet people outside now are they planning to lock themselves away forever more?
I feel so sorry for you. You can only suggest options and hope that they find something they're comfortable doing.

Arsebucket · 11/08/2021 16:28

It’s up to them. It is a shame though.

My dad is the opposite, 87 and never stopped seeing us or doing what he wanted with his friends, said he wasn’t willing to spend his last years as a recluse and he had to die of something.

It’s funny how people are so different.

I suppose you just have to go with wha they are happy with.

scrappydappydoo · 11/08/2021 16:44

Slightly different- my mum will see everyone but us. She provides childcare for my primary age nieces and has had my two teenage nephews to stay for a week. She has gone to lunches indoors with friends, shopping days out and even to the theatre. All of which she regales to me in great detail. However we (me & dh who wfh and 2 teenagers) are too risky and she doesn’t ‘feel comfortable’. I’ve just stepped back and switched off - I have got the message. It’s her loss.
Basically there is nothing you can do or say as it’s their choice.

PermanentTemporary · 11/08/2021 16:48

My boyfriend's parents have reacted like this. I think they are mildly traumatised and have become very unused to any kind of socialising. I would say that I've noticed that I am less keen on seeing people than I used to be, I'm not frightened of covid but I'm not so used to constant social life any more.

I think just keep telling them about who you're seeing and what you're up to. They may eventually get used to the idea.

katemuff · 11/08/2021 16:53

My aunt is like this with her dgc Meanwhile my 98 yo DDGM sees all her family every week. My aunt is furious her mum is making her look bad 😂
It's their choice and their loss. They have shown you their priorities

ElspethFlashman · 11/08/2021 16:57

Are you vaccinated yourselves? That may make a difference to how they perceive their risk.

MRex · 11/08/2021 17:03

I don't understand that. DP and DPIL have all been quite cautious throughout, but they've made time to see us even when it's had to be outside in the garden; only lockdown travel restrictions stopped my DP. Can you see each of them for a quick outdoor visit with kids? Maybe stay over somewhere and book activities to make an event out of it that isn't just linked to them. Actually seeing the kids might jolt them out of whatever they've fallen into.

Amboseli · 11/08/2021 17:05

I've become much less sociable. Not because I'm worried about covid but just find being around people exhausting and draining.

I think a lot of relationships have been changed by the pandemic.

elQuintoConyo · 11/08/2021 17:06

Fil, fully vaxxed, is the same. He lives 5 miles away with un-vaxxed Bil and Sil. He has 7 GC hasn't seen any of them. Bil and Sil are rather fear-mkngering and controling, but he hasn't shown any desire to see GC. DH has met up with him several times. He's 83.

His loss, quite frankly. I can't get my head around it, and any questions ds has about his gramps I just direct to DH and stay out of it. My own parents would love to see us, but we're a plane ride away and were alla bit nervous or planes and airports for the moment. Plus they're younger and in good health, so Xmas/next Easter should be ok. And we Zoom a lot, Fil doesn't even do that Sad

Viviennemary · 11/08/2021 17:17

Some people are terrified of catching Covid. Beyond all reason. Just let them get on with it. There isn't much you can do.

EL8888 · 11/08/2021 17:23

Their choice. I would leave them to get on with it. It’s a shame with your son being so young

@scrappydappydoo that disparity must be hard

ParistoLondon · 11/08/2021 17:30

Of course it's important to remain cautious etc, that's absolutely fine and understandable. But they're all double vaccinated, you've suggested meeting outdoors to keep everyone safe and it's still a no? That's mad imo.

amylou8 · 11/08/2021 17:32

That's really sad. The government went so all out in scaring everyone into compliance that some people have lost all perspective, and are probably going to remain scared now forever. My mum is cautious but slowly getting back to normal, I'm considered safeish now I'm double vaxed. My dad and stepmum said bollocks to it, became covid lockdown law breakers and got on with living their lives quite early on.

NightmareLoon · 11/08/2021 17:32

Yeah, my PIL asked us to self-isolate for 10 days before we saw them. It feels like complete paranoia or madness, but I also understand?

PomegranateQueen · 11/08/2021 17:43

Have they really done nothing since the first lockdown? No coffee shop visits, no seeing friends, nothing? If they have done any of these things then I would be wondering whether they just don't care about thier DGC. If they haven't then I would be questioning thier sanity. Either way it's sad and you are not at all unreasonable to be hurt.

Plumtree391 · 11/08/2021 18:06

@bellamountain

It's their loss. Get on with your life without them.
I agree but I think things will soon be back to some kind of normality so you may not have much longer to wait, op.
Flowerfairy2020 · 11/08/2021 18:17

I’m in a similar situation with parents living a similar distance away. We have called in to see them en route to our summer holiday, which has made a short visit more economical. Offered to meet up outside as I thought that would be their preference but in the end they were happy for us to see them indoors. I was hesitant to suggest meeting up as I knew I’d find rejection hard to take. I hope you can work something out OP.

annlee3817 · 11/08/2021 18:20

Can you just book somewhere to stay near your parents and just tell them it's booked and paid for now, so they can't throw the expensive for you card out there? Sorry OP, it's frustrating, but hopefully they'll come around soon

Usual2usual · 11/08/2021 18:43

This must really hurt OP I would be devastated if my parents or ILS were like this with us.

Some people have lost all reason unfortunatley.

Faffinator · 11/08/2021 18:45

I do think older people like this will end up full of regret at the life they missed out on. If I were the OP I would make it known that she feels the response is disproportionate and that she is offended. I am very lucky that DM went completely back to normal 3 weeks after her first vaccine. She was counting down the days!

stepupandbecounted · 11/08/2021 18:48

Many people have taken the chance to stop doing things they would rather not, and if they are seeing other people/going out/shopping in a supermarket then YANBU to imagine they might want to see you!

If they are still in the bunker, in every way, then it might be time for a word with them about speaking to a dr about anxiety?

summerisler · 11/08/2021 18:51

@Komandoo

I was wondering if anyone else is in this situation. I am feeling very sad. We have 3 sets of grandparents (DHs divorced and remarried) and have not seen any since Christmas 2019.

My parents live 3 hours away but say staying with us or in a hotel is too much of a risk due to covid. They originally said they would meet up after being vaccinated but have now changed their minds as they feel the vaccine is not sufficiently protective. We have offered to stay locally to them and meet them outdoors but they say it is too much expense and hassle for us.

My DHs Mum is also too worried to visit although her husband is ill which makes things understandably tricky. His Dad will be visiting for the first time soon but refuses to meet the grandchildren and will just be going out for lunch with my husband.

The whole situation makes me feel so sad. We have a nearly 2 year old who has only met his grandparents once when he was 3 months old.

I can't see things getting any safer this year. I have said to all grandparents that this summer makes more sense to meet up than in the winter when our older son is mixing at school. They said they would rather wait and see how things pan out.

It makes me so sad seeing other families getting back to normal. Neither my husband or I have any other family and prior to covid had a good relationship with our parents.

I could have written this myself, OP. I have two small DC. My DD has just turned 1abd has never met my parents. We and they are fully vaccinated. DH parents much more relaxed - also vaccinated and have seen us multiple times. Their loss.
Original poster
Komandoo · 11/08/2021 18:57

Thanks all. I guess I could just book somewhere but they live in a touristy area and it will be hard to find somewhere now. I think we will just have to get on with things and hope they change their minds at some point. I am hoping the booster vaccine will make a difference to how they feel.

We are both vaccinated but they are worried about catching if off our children. They have been out but mainly just to the supermarket, local shops and garden centre.

OP posts: