Worried about DD - advice please

[seasonalremarks]

I am worried about my DD who is currently isolating alone in halls as all her flatmates have left. Someone tested positive and she has now also tested positive.

It feels wrong for her to be on her own. She wants to come home but we can't all isolate and be off work and school or do you think we should?

I don't think you should go and get her. It is shit and she is bound to feel down and bored but... It is 10 days. As a young adult she needs to be able to deal with these things. Support her with regular calls/zooms/send her little treats etc. Send her some novels to read or other fun stuff. She'll get through it.

Christ just go and get her

It is easy to say go get her. Of course I would if I lived alone and could take time off work. Her DB has already had 6 weeks off due to previous isolations this school year. I am also worried that when she does come back they will all have to isolate as may still test positive.

Well only you can decide what to do really can't you? It doesn't really matter what randoms on the internet say. Have faith in your own decisions

Call Student Services to see if there is any support available, send her a Morrison's delivery through Amazon and wait it out, I think.

If she were isolating and had tested negative, I'd probably get her, but as she actually has Covid, I think she has to stay put.

Send her lots of nice treats maybe? A care package of magazines, favourite toiletries and food etc

Call Student Services and ask them to reach out to her, however if she won't talk to them there isn't much they can do. I agree its only ten days, unless she has a medical history which makes you particularly concerned you should just let her get on with it.

Whereabouts is she OP?

She'll be fine, she's an adult. It's ten days. She has access to the internet, can stream shows, read books, catch up on studying, spend all day on the phone to people if she wants to.

I don't mean to be rude but I'd be quite concerned if an 18yr old couldn't cope with this. Let her get on with it and support from a distance, she will only learn that she can cope and function as a grown up if she's given the chance to deal with things and not be rescued by her parents. I'd be pretty f*cked off as your employer if you were off work isolating because you'd been to pick up an adult relative who was positive for COVID and taken them back to your home.

Being ill without your mum there is tough the first time you do it. I had flu for the first and only time my first term of uni and felt terrible and most miserable having to cope alone. But, you know, part of uni is realising that it's "grown up time" and you can cope. It really does seem crazy to bring a disease into your home that might then spread and mean everyone has to isolate for 10 days when the alternative is wait a week, then fetch her.

Why have you let her down?

I really don't think the way we have treated young people is inhumane. These are adults, she is capable of living alone and studying for a degree. Its 10 days, at this point the majority if the country have had to do it.

You will all have to isolate irrespective of whether you work in healthcare. You are exposing yourself to covid, we are assuming that she won't give it to you but equally one of you could end up testing positive on day 10 and end up with nearly 3 weeks off.

The right thing to do is to leave her there to self isolate for 10 days. If you are worried she didn't have enough food or is scared or has low mood due to being alone - then offer to contact student services on her behalf if she won't. Sometimes they need a bit of tough love to realise they can do things, they are now resiliant than they think etc... She should be able to understand why it is not a sensible idea for her to come home given how that will have an impact on others But you know your own Dd and if she has any pre-existing mental health issues, then you could intervene.

It's tricky - it's not been a normal year for them. I8 year olds haven't had the usual experience during 1st year university, so might not be where they normally world be in terms of maturity and independence. I know my Year 13 Dd seemed to go backwards in that regard during the past year.

@Whatalottachocca

I'd pick her up and bring her home.

I would also go and pick her up. Now is the time to make your own risk assessment and I think her mental health comes first.

Please remember the majority of people will have mild cases of this infection.

I think if she was just isolating but was negative I would go and get her
But as she is positive it isn't worth the risk.
As horrible as it seems.

My eldest is 17 and if we have a more normal world by then should be off to uni next year. She is also looking at one a decent way from home.
While she is 17 my dd would most definitely want me and as her parent I would want to look after her.
So I can imagine how you're both feeling.

I got glandular fever in my first year at uni and felt awful. All I wanted was my mum and dad. To lie on the sofa with a blanket and pillow like I did when I was a young child. My dad came to get me and my mum had set up the sofa like she always did.

I would send her a nice food delivery with all her faves, some flowers and a nice bubble bath/shower gel and try to call her a lot.

It's obviously tough for DD but the only sensible thing to do for the whole family is for her to stay put. You may be willing to risk all that is entailed in bringing her home but the likelihood is you would need to stop if it's 5 hours away which just isn't fair on others. If there's an accident or you brake down that's another possible need for interaction on a small or large scale. Basically all the reasons why car journeys were banned during lockdowns to minimise risk.

Make her as comfortable as you can from a far but she is just going to have to get on with it. Keep facetime or video calling running with whoever isn't working or at school so you can check on her and she has some company.

18 year old DS has had 2 major medical things to deal with alone since March which has been very difficult from a distance (different countries) but couldn't be helped and we've all just had to make the best of it.

I wouldn't dream of fetching my DD, to be honest, and she wouldn't dream of asking me. And I don't work in the NHS. The NHS and patients need staff to be in work - not getting paid to self-isolate at home because someone knowingly brought a sick adult into their home, when they really didn't need to.
If your DD is dangerously ill or her mental health is dangerously bad, then that's a different situation, and one of you might decide to go and stay with her in her university room and isolate there, assuming she can't access hospital.

I would go and get her.

You know your daughter best and nobody on here can tell you how hard she will be feeling this. For one of my three children it would be a massive hit to her mental health and I would be very concerned about her. I wouldn't leave her. The other two would be able to roll with it more and treats and phone calls would see them through.

I would go get her too. I can’t believe so many people say that they wouldn’t.

If you think she's really struggling then why not go stay with her?

Its not really fair on your DS to miss out on another 10 days of education. Your DH can still go to work etc. You can then take the 10 days as either annual leave or unpaid leave

Plus I doubt your gonna be able to do the 5 hr trip back without stopping. What if your DD needs the toilet?

What a tough emotional dilemma!! In the same position I would be torn between knowing she is a young adult and does need to be independent or going and stay with her. I would sway (if I could sort work etc) to going and staying with her.

Those that are saying that many people have had to deal with this living on their own, I’m not sure it’s comparable for young adults in student halls. I was very independent but if left in my flat in halls on my own in this situation I would have been very scared. All the grown up adults I know that have had covid and live alone are very used to living on their own but even they had friends and family come round and knock a couple of times and check they were ok through the shut front door/window, they didn’t stick it out fully on their own with no one they knew physically checking in on them.

@seasonalremarks - she can't come home though as she's self-isolating.

Don’t bring her home. She’s an adult, it’s 10 days, she’s got access to everything she needs and you can send care packages if you want. She just has to suck it up and sit it out.

It is a really tough decision but I would bring her home to isolate with you. She is very young still and it is tough to be alone like that. People saying she's an adult are SO ODD in my view. You don't suddenly develop adult level coping skills on your 18th birthday.

OP, from your posts I don't get the impression that you are seriously concerned that your DD is on the verge of really serious mental health problems if she completes her self-isolation period where she is. In such circumstances, I think you should be firm that your DD can't come home until she's completed her self-isolation. However, I do think you should reassure her that you wouldn't leave her on her own if she became seriously ill. I am also thinking isn't your and your DH's absence from work going to be unauthorised if you bring your DD home? It's one thing to have to self-isolate because a member of your household contracts Covid. It's quite another to choose to trigger a self-isolation obligation by choosing to bring someone with Covid into your house. I also think it's very unfair on your other DC to trigger an unnecessary period of isolation for him/her as well as knowingly exposing him/her to Covid.