Feel guilty for being traumatised by covid. How do I help myself?

[jennyfromtheblock22]

I usually avoid the coronavirus boards so apologies if this has been posted before. I feel like I'm going to have a breakdown and need to try and help myself before it's too late. I feel guilty about this as nothing really bad has happened to me or my family and I know there's so many people out there that have had it worse than me.
I work in ICU so have been around really sick and dying covid patients since March last year however I'm a pharmacist so I don't have the same awful trauma as the nursing and medical staff who have to deal with families or hold patients' hands as they pass away alone. But I still feel the throat clenching stress when the hospital covid numbers are increasing. Our covid ICU managed to shut for a month but now patients are filling up again. I don't know if I can do it a third time. But feel guilty about this as other hospital staff have it worse than me.
My DH has worked throughout and his job is safe so again I shouldn't feel the way I feel as so many others have lost their jobs and their homes.
We have all been well throughout too and haven't caught covid but I worry about our elderly parents who are all now thankfully fully vaccinated.
I worry about the impact all of this is having on my DS's education and social interactions. In the first wave he didn't see another child for 9 weeks solid (he's 10). But again he's just picked up where he left off and plays with his friends all the time now so I shouldn't feel the way I feel as others may have it worse.
I'm probably not making much sense. I just find it hard to do anything. I have no get up and go and feel on the verge of breakdown quite a lot. Is this a common thing? I guess it must be. I don't think I'm depressed and don't want to numb my feelings with ADs as I already feel really numb. I don't know what I want really.

It’s really common. Lots of clinicians are experiencing what is basically trauma from having to work in a war zone. Your trust should be offering support which you can access. If not, your GP should be able to help.

@Motorina yes I should probably look into that. I did go to our quiet room which was staffed by two nurses from the counselling service but I found it a bit cringey and they just suggested all the common sense stuff like exercise, cut down alcohol etc. There's no magic trick I suppose. I'll check out the other options in my trust. Thanks

Please do not feel guilty or measure whether your worthy of help based on how much you have or haven't suffered. You feel unwell focus on that and you are allowed to get help, ask for it. It's okay not to like the help on offer, it's more important to find what works for you you really should try your GP they may have help other than ADs on offer. It sounds like you've been stressed out for too long and you need to slow down and find ways to deal with your constant fears via CBT or Mindfulness start now. People get ill being the support for others who have it worse. You have every right to feel better, take care

I don't think I'm depressed and don't want to numb my feelings with ADs as I already feel really numb

I resisted ADs for a very long time because I didn't think I was depressed, I just felt numb.

It's only since going on them a few months back that

a) I can now see I was depressed, thanks to the contrast between then and now.

b) I can feel. Mostly happy. Last 2 weeks justifiably grumpy, today pretty cheerful again.

It matters less that others have had it harder than you, in your opinion. It matters more how your unique system has experienced this extended trauma.

My pharmacist, as in owns a pharmacy, not in a hospital, is deeply traumatised. She's a lovely, cheerful, pragmatic, sensible, well balanced woman. Well.. she was. She has been badly emotionally battered by events since 27th of Feb 2020. It's written all over her, and she keeps saying nooo I'm fine ! I was lucky ! It was the docs and nurses and pharmacists in ICU who got hit hard., She thinks she has nothing to complain about compared to them.

I really hope she let's go of that comparison. And cuts herself some slack long enough to recognise what's she has been through. In order to get all and any help that could get her past the worst of it, as unscathed as possible.

I don't think you should feel guilty at all for feeling traumatised. You're a lot closer to the frontline than I am, and I readily admit that I feel traumatised by the last year. It's OK not to be OK - try to find out what help is available through your Trust, and speak to your GP too.

I think if you've been working in our hospitals on Covid wards over the last 16 months, feeling traumatised is an entirely normal response to what has been a hugely challenging, stressful and sad time. Please don't feel guilty, as others have said it's sadly very common. Be very kind to yourself and if you dont feel any better in a month or two, please seek more support. Thank you for all you've done.

Thanks everyone for your kind posts. They are all really helpful.

What struck me is you saying "I shouldn't feel the way I feel". I'm not a psychiatrist but I would suggest this is why you are feeling numb. You are not allowing yourself to have the feelings that you're having.

I experienced something similar from being in an accident that other people died in. I felt like I had no right to complain as I didn't die. It ended up causing me 10 years of ptsf because I didn't allow myself to have any emotion about it.

Are you able to afford counselling? It could be really helpful to process everything. Or can you access this through work?

ptsd!

To your GP and ask for therapy, lots of NHS trusts are now offering a covid trauma service for people effected by it in anyway. Your experience is a really really valid one! I would be traumatised having been through that

What you are experiencing is normal and nothing to feel guilty about. It has been a traumatic experience for many in many different ways. Acknowledging that is important, you are allowed to have feelings about your experience, no matter what someone else's experience has been, you are human.

There is a support service for frontline staff set up for this reason. They have a 24 hour helpline. Talking helps.

www.mentalhealthatwork.org.uk/ourfrontline/

Trauma is complicated and is different for everyone. The thing is, trauma causes issues when traumatic events aren’t processed properly and your brain hasn’t stored the memory in the correct place. It gets stored in the wrong part of your brain and in your nervous system. Also repeated/frequent exposure to traumatic events mean that your brain and nervous system have not had the opportunity to go back to their ‘base level’ and so you have been living in a state of high alert for a prolonged time. Mostly trauma is described as anything where there is a serious threat of extreme violence or death.
Living with threat for a long time is traumatic. You have worked surrounded by the threat of death, come home from work to be still surrounded by the threat of death, turned on your TV to hear about the threat of death. You will have witnessed some horrible things. No wonder you are traumatised.
The thing is you need to allow yourself to believe you can feel this way and take away the element of comparison. I would really suggest you look for a therapist who is trauma informed. They will help you stabilise, and help you process what you have been through so you can feel the emotions in a safe space and your brain can store the memories in the correct place. It is good that you have recognised that you need help. Try the BACP website and look for someone who handles PTSD. Wishing you all the very best.

I think some talking therapy would really help you, not just 6 sessions but around 6 months (as a minimum) of weekly sessions. Maybe longer. You are traumatised, and you can allow yourself to feel your feelings, they are totally valid. Doing so in a supportive environment ma feel safer though, where the therapist can emotionally 'catch' you if you experience overwhelming emotions after finally allowing yourself to acknowledge and experience your feelings about what the last year or so has been like.
What you're feeling is totally normal, I can't stress that enough. I hope things get easier soon.

I have a friend in ICU who had the same terror of it getting busy again (another massive surge in patients) and was diagnosed with PTSD.

Contrary to what some dipsh*its think, PTSD is not just for soldiers.

Many NHS proper-frontline staff have PTSD now.

My friend changed jobs to one where she has control of where she works because it was the lack of control that was hardest to deal with (so think bank/ agency work etc). Plus antidepressants or some kind of medication, I can't remember which, but she did have a breakdown and now is on medication. Doing much better. But you need to try to take back control and need to get mental health treatment so you can be considered for/give your consideration to medication.

And tell your employer and/or occupational health. Many NHS staff have been signed off. It may be what you need to get the time and space to deal with what you are going through and if necessary seek medical help.

Don’t feel guilty. You went through something horribly traumatic.

Time to focus on you.

Lots of great advice here thanks. I'm going to check out what counselling is available for staff in my trust when I get back to work tomorrow. I think that will be helpful fingers crossed.
I've applied for another post out of ICU which again might help if I get the job. Every time I hear about COVID patient numbers rising I get flashbacks of the first wave, not knowing what we were going into, not knowing if the PPE was enough to stop us getting COVID and bringing it back to our families. Sadly our PPE in ICU was adequate but loads of ward staff wearing the surgical masks all caught it. And flashbacks of the feeling of fear when I got home from work too with all the grim news on TV.
Thanks again for taking the time to reply.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.
From reading your last comment, it sounds like you're suffering from PTSD.
Definitely find out what counselling you may be entitled to and honestly, medications are a godsend!

I hope you're ok x

OP, please don’t compare yourself to others. It’s not constructive or necessary - there are people in the world who’ve been through things I can’t even imagine , but that doesn’t mean I haven’t experienced trauma in my life.

My job involves working with service users in an unrelated part of the NHS - I’m not frontline but I do speak to them at length about their experiences and some of my work in the last year has really distressed me. Nothing like what front line staff have been through but I think some of it will stick with me forever. Some people are more liable to find things traumatic than others and this is not a failing, it’s all individual. I’m not surprised you feel traumatised. Please take good care of yourself.

In my adult social care job we have regular updates from a local public health england rep and she said staff should expect decompression after months of stress as it is common for people under stress to hold it together in crisis situations and then fall apart a bit afterwards

I'd like to add that if you go down the therapy route, don't be afraid to ditch a therapist if they don't work to make you feel safe.
There's an excellent book about trauma called 'The body keeps the score'. I think it might help you to understand and validate some of what is happening to you.

@OhYouBadBadKitten thanks. I'll get that book. @NecklessMumster that's really interesting (and sad).

OP, I know many people who were CEV who are now suffering from PTSD because of staying at home for 15 months (and more) and being terrified of dying if they caught it. I know many who still haven't gone out or even open windows incase it gets in the house. You and they are allowed to feel like that. You can't compare one to the other.

Go and at least try and get some help.

@DumpyDonkey thanks. I've just started the kindle book on trauma recommended.

Thanks again for taking the time to reply.

Thank you, and everybody else who served the public, for the greater good, in whatever form, during has been a frankly surreal and often very frightening time.

You were brave. And whatever help any of you need dealing with the emotional, physical or phycological aftermath of that, I'm very in favour of our respective nations providing it. With no competitions about who may or may not have had it worse.

Thank you