I’m no an anti Vaxxer - I’m mentally ill :(

[L1zzi]

I can’t cope with my existence. I don’t want to die, but living this limbo scary half life is too much.

I spend the majority of 2020 petrified I would die of Covid, I have a high BMI.
I worked in an office throughout (because I had to)
but other than that I went absolutely nowhere.

I won’t even go to supermarkets, I haven’t been to the hair dressers for way more than a year now.
I’ve not eaten inside a restaurant and I’ve not had anyone in my house.
It’s been pretty miserable.

I had my first vaccine in March (AZ) and it felt like the clouds have lifted, I started to see light and my mental health began to improve.

I’m now in a position where I am absolutely petrified, petrified, to get my second dose because of the fear of developing a blood clot and I will die.

I know the risks, I know people will tell me I take risks daily and quite honestly I’m fed up of hearing that, because this just does not feel the same.

My life before Covid was not as scary / difficult as it is now.

I’ve got work colleagues telling me I’m an anti vaxxer and I’m part of the problem with this pandemic.

It hurts so much because no one understands how debilitating this fear is.

I’ve had to call in sick at work today because I can’t focus.

I’ve spoken to my Dr to try and help my fears but I got nowhere.

I am starting some CBT but that’s going to be months before I might feel better.

I desperately don’t want to be partially unvaccinated, I can’t spend any longer living this life, scared to leave my house.

I feel ashamed of myself for not having my second dose and I’m so envious of people who have had theirs.

I really feel that unless you’ve experienced my level of anxiety / fear, you cannot truly understand what I’m going through.

I don’t see the point in my life. I don’t see a future, I don’t have any enjoyment.

I don’t want to die, I’m so frightened by the thought of death, but living this life is so so hard.😭

I have bpd. I truly understand.
I'm also high bmi and I actually have a blood clotting condition! Ive had my second dose and I'm fine...
Birth control has a much higher risk of blood clots, they're being painfully over cautious and as long as your aware of the signs of a blood clot then you really don't need to worry about that.
I know, don't worry is much easier said than done.
But I always find the more proper research I do on things like this, the more at ease I feel with things like this.
Good luck.

Anxiety is a bugger.... did your conversation with your GP include the possibility of medication?

I've suffered from depression mixed with anxiety a number of times. I eventually accepted antidepressants, and it was highly effective against the anxiety as well. The background level just sort of melted away.

Might be worth asking?

@PuzzledObserver

Anxiety is a bugger.... did your conversation with your GP include the possibility of medication?

I've suffered from depression mixed with anxiety a number of times. I eventually accepted antidepressants, and it was highly effective against the anxiety as well. The background level just sort of melted away.

Might be worth asking?

@PuzzledObserver

I’m also frightened to take medication. 😞

My life is just full of fears. 😭

I barely take paracetamol.

Please ask for anti depressants. Risks are lower with second jab anyway.

I have just had an MRI possible kidney tumour. Fast pathway for possible breast cancer, I am terrified inside, my family do not know. Fear is hard.

@justasking111

Please ask for anti depressants. Risks are lower with second jab anyway.

I have just had an MRI possible kidney tumour. Fast pathway for possible breast cancer, I am terrified inside, my family do not know. Fear is hard.

@justasking111

I’m so sorry.

I’ve been on anti depressants for years now. A literal life saver. Speak to your GP.

I think you know that it is not about the vaccine, and that discussion of risks, reassurances, etc, will not help your anxiety or make you feel any different about the vaccine. So if you know deep down that it is the right thing to have in objective terms, you may need to just do it despite the anxiety, and trust that you can deal with the symptoms of anxiety afterwards. You are going to have to deal with those anxious symptoms regardless, so just take the vaccine out of the equation.

See your GP about possible medication, or at least something to help you with anxiety on the day, and then see if you can get the CBT or anything similar as soon as possible.

@AlmondFlat

I think you know that it is not about the vaccine, and that discussion of risks, reassurances, etc, will not help your anxiety or make you feel any different about the vaccine. So if you know deep down that it is the right thing to have in objective terms, you may need to just do it despite the anxiety, and trust that you can deal with the symptoms of anxiety afterwards. You are going to have to deal with those anxious symptoms regardless, so just take the vaccine out of the equation.

See your GP about possible medication, or at least something to help you with anxiety on the day, and then see if you can get the CBT or anything similar as soon as possible.

@AlmondFlat

It is about the vaccine. I’m petrified.

I don’t want to have the vaccine because of scared of death, and I don’t want to have Covid because I’m scared of death.

Can you see someone for some hypnosis? Totally life changer for fear. A couple of sessions with a good practitioner should really help xx

It is about the vaccine. I’m petrified

I don’t want to have the vaccine because of scared of death, and I don’t want to have Covid because I’m scared of death

So logically, taking the second vaccine means there is a time limit on how you're feeling and then it will leave. If it's about the vaccine?

I agree with @AlmondFlat your fears are wider than the narrow focuses you have fixated on. From your posts I’d guess that it’s an overall fear of death that you need to address.

We’re all scared of death in one way or another in that we actively avoid it but live our lives because otherwise we’re just sitting around waiting to die. It might not feel like a choice right now, but it sounds like that’s what you’re doing.

I find it helpful to write a plan what would happen if my current anxiety fixation materialised. I find some reassurance in working through what would need to be done and the steps I’d need to take or ask others to do. It’s a way of owning the fear and mentally facing it without having to go through it. Sometimes I find that it sticks in my brain in such a way that it’s almost as if I have given it the answers it was struggling to find itself and slows down the racing thoughts and stops them getting carried away with themselves.

You said you don't want the vaccine because you're scared of death and you don't want covid because you're scared of death.
Can you think of it more practically that having the vaccine and dying carries a significantly lower percentage of happening than having covid and dying, so effectively you're choosing to take the riskiest option, perhaps a shift in how you think about it could help you get the second vaccine.

@Cornettoninja

your fears are wider than the narrow focuses you have fixated on. From your posts I’d guess that it’s an overall fear of death that you need to address.

Yes, I think you’re right.
But how can I ever get past that. It’s going to happens.
Right now I feel like I’m sitting around and wising for it.

You don’t get past it, you learn to live with it and accept its inevitability. I think most people learn to ignore it basically with fleeting moments and periods where they are compelled to think about it and put their affairs in order.

It’s a massive thing to realise and have a sense of your own mortality, of course it’s frightening, but there are ways you can address it and learn to live alongside it. It might be worth researching end of life counselling. There are so many resources out there you could make use of independently while your waiting for CBT/counselling that might really help you.

Op if it extends to paracetamol then I would say you might have general health anxiety? I had a bout of this for a few years after a scary diagnosis at 19 and then a death in front of me. I had CBT as the physical effects of anxiety terrified me into a thought pattern that I would suddenly die or that I was ill. Once I had cbt I started to live fully again and the feelings slowly faded.

You're not the only person feeling like this. There have been several threads from people feeling exactly as you do. Some of those people have decided to have their jab, live with a couple of weeks of being scared about clots and then be free again.
Other than a guarantee that no-one can give you, what would help?

You won’t get better unless you make changes. That may mean facing up to take medication. Trying other things too. The GP can help. But you need to be clear it’s the extreme anxiety that needs urgent help.

@L1zzi I understand where you are - I really do. I’m you in other words. I’m petrified of getting COVID- I’m petrified of the vaccine. I haven’t even had the first dose due to this.
A lot of people don’t quite understand or have much sympathy for something like this. It’s seen as very black and white- your scared of Covid get the vaccine. Or you don’t want the vaccine well then you take the risk.
Unfortunately in our minds it’s not that black and white- So I truly do understand where you are coming from. I’ve poked my first appointment and have been sleepless since then. I’m convinced that I will die if I take the vaccine and leave my daughter without a mum- equally with my worry asking us to come back I’m petrified of catching it there.

Like you I’m avoiding everything other than work and school pick up.

I am doing cbt- not focusing on Covid but generalised anxiety

I also am taking each hour (yes not day as some days that seems daunting) at a time.

Sending you a virtual hand hold

Hey. I could have written this last March. For me though the fear of the vaccine was lesser so it was a no brainer to me to just have it. Covid will almost certainly be worse for you.

I’ve been where you are some years ago . I’m 99% recovered now, I’d say I overthink a few things but generally I’m in a good place. Research how anxiety works in your body , the chemical side of it. There are some tricks to calm you down when it’s peaking that just involve cold water and stuff. You need talking therapy, round here you can self refer I hope that’s the case for you. You can’t catch Covid from trees and grass so I’d invest in a new pair of comfy shoes and get walking round the local beauty spots if you can, it’ll set you on the path for shifting some of the weight and the endorphins from the gentle exercise will make you feel better mentally. Really clear your mind, take in your surroundings , notice things, if you hear a bird take time to search for it in the trees etc. Focus on getting as calm as you can be then have another look at those statistics and you might feel more inclined to have the jab, that’ll be a relief. I had GAD which basically meant lots of things triggered me, it took me a long time to accept that fresh air and exercise and all these techniques do help, my fears seemed so big that it couldn’t be possible that I could feel better by going for a wander through a meadow if that makes sense? Please try, you owe yourself a life well lived.

I feel exactly the same as you.
I was lucky as when I went for my vaccine I got the Pfizer. But I still panicked for 10 days. About clots. I even had blood tests after my jab to test for low platelets, I had to go to the hospital to get the blood tests taken. So my fear of the vaccine was bigger than my fear of covid and hospitals. It is so strange how my brain works.
But I am still alive. And I have had one jab. I’m not sure if I want the next one. But I think my need/want for getting on with life is greater than my fear of the jab.

One thing I have realised is that google and my phone and Twitter and these forums are not my friend. They make me a worse. So I try to distract myself as much as I can. By listening to podcasts or audio books etc.

I just want you to know that you are not alone with these feelings. And all I want is for my anxiety to lift so I can be myself again.

That's what I mean - if you are petrified to have the vaccine and petrified not to, it's not really about that any more. You are going to be petrified either way, so you need to get some help dealing with the anxiety and take the vaccine out of the equation - at the moment, it's just something that you can pin the anxiety on. Reassuring you about the vaccine isn't going to help as you've already been through the risks of that and you know that it's not a rational worry; reassuring you you won't get covid is also not going to help, as you know the risks of that as well. No reassurance is really going to help you not to worry, because the worry will be there regardless - but you can learn to do things to deal with it, to tell yourself that it is something people can live with, that you can learn to relax about that level of risk, that it is time limited and won't be like this forever, etc. And then since the vaccine isn't really what the worry is about, you can make a rational decision based on statistics/risk, decide what decision someone else who was thinking clearly would make, and then tell yourself you are going to do that. You know that your anxious thinking/worry is stopping you from thinking clearly, so if you can separate the two things, that may help: make a decision based on what you think a rational thinking person would do (what you wish you could do if you weren't anxious), and then try to deal with the anxiety symptoms themselves, as you are getting those whether you have the vaccine or whether you worry about getting covid.

OP, you know this is all a manifestation of your anxiety. Continual posting on here about covid and/or the vaccine is just contributing to it and giving your anxiety something to feed off.

Seeking reassurance is one of the main triggers for anxiety and whatever people post in response to try to help is just giving your anxiety something to latch on to.

Antidepressants can be a lifesaver, but so can anti-anxiety meds and it sounds like your anxiety is certainly bad enough that it would count as "adversely affecting your quality of life".
I have 2 friends I know of on anti-anxiety meds and it really has made a positive improvement in both their lives.

I think you've posted all this before, it sounds familiar?
I'm not sure what anyone can say that will help. It sounds almost like an addiction in that you have to want it to change.
If you won't do it for yourself would you do it for your child who would have a much happier time with a mum who wasn't so fixated on anxiety. Deal with the anxiety first, get the drugs and the vaccine issue will follow.

@justasking111 I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. I've had breast cancer. Please tell someone irl.