Have the Covid rules dehumanised us?

[EarlyApple]

I’m sad about an exchange of messages I had with friends / school mums. Both have said some pretty harsh things about the fact that my daughter has recently had “play dates” with a close friend in her class. To my mind these were for childcare reasons: for a year now both DH and I have been wfh with no adequate childcare. The other family (who we’ve been sharing childcare / play dates with) have one key worker parent and one wfh parent, so have had it even worse.

Both us and the “play date” / childcare family we swap with are miles away from our own families and haven’t seen them in months.

Neither of our 2 friends who are now being difficult have struggled for childcare - one family have employed a nanny throughout (with one key worker and one wfh parent); the other have formed a bubble with a single, retired grandparent and have therefore had childcare on tap (despite both working from home).

I honestly thought what we were doing was fine (girls in same school bubble) and have been very open about it, sharing school pick ups (our wrap around care hasn’t restarted) and taking the other child out to the village park etc with us during the holidays. But I feel really “got at” after a serious of “please just stick to the rules” / “why should your child get play dates when ours can’t?” messages today from the 2 friends mentioned above.

I’m on my knees after a year of work, no childcare, home learning. We’ve only been doing this for our 5 year old - our 8 and 10 year olds have been told to amuse themselves, but it seems really quite damaging for a small child to have been told that her parents are “too busy” to play with her on a loop for 13 months, and my friend and I thought tag teaming childcare for our younger children (who play beautifully together) was a perfect and permissible solution.

Why are people being like this? These are nice people, good friends, and I thought sensible. Now I just feel judged and it’s horrible. Are they just really exhausted too?! Or am I doing something awful? (For the avoidance of doubt, this child is the only person who has been in our house - we’re not widely flouting the rules).

If you are knowingly breaking the rules, why do you tell others? I think it's been hard on everyone to different degree. So if you don't want to feel sad about what others say, just keep it to yourself, then no one knows, no one commets.

I didn’t think we were breaking the rules. I thought informal childcare was allowed (I still think that, although will double check). The girls are 5, they chat to their friends and I’d never ask them to keep a secret.

Isn't that just a childcare bubble?
Which is allowed.

I think they definitely have OP. People are so focussed on covid they’ve lost compassion for other things which people are struggling with.

You only have to look at the amount of threads on here where OP is struggling and people respond with words akin to “get a grip, people are dying”

And I don’t think what you’ve done is awful

So is it a childcare bubble? That is allowed but the rules are quite strict/defined. It doesn't mean the parents can hang out basically.

Playdates outside are now allowed though.

It's a childcare bubble. So long as you're not using it for the adults to socialise - which it doesn't sound like you are - then it's absolutely within the rules.

I think there are lots of things that "we" have accepted that make us barely human. It's beyond me why we, as a population, accepted that care home residents should have no visitor for a year, for example.

You can be in a childcare bubble, but you are using the term 'play dates' and that is going to irritate other people.

Best thing is to keep quiet I think?

You must be able to understand how worried other people also are about their children not playing with friends?

You poor thing. I'm in Scotland where it's a little different for under12s so even though I'm allowed to go for a walk with my daughter and now meet up with my friend and her daughter each week people have really dug into me for it. I don't care. If I hadn't of done that my daughter would not have seen anyone but me, an elderly neighbor through the window, the occasional postman and my husband for a year. The people who have had a go have had a bubble, money for early nursery and don't live in a rural area. I just let it all wash over me and fortunately have others to turn to. For sure I now know who my friends are. to you.

People have forgotten how to mind their own business. Ignore your "friends" and do what you need to do for your family. Sick to the back teeth of judgemental, sanctimonious pricks telling other people how to live their lives.

Id say its just a childcare bubble and that they sadly aren't as nice people as you thought. So its OK for them to form bubbles with gparents or nanny but not for you?

I wouldn't use the word dehumanised. I would say divided. I view quite a few people - friends, colleagues - differently after all this. I suspect the feeling is mutual.

Regardless of whether or not its allowed, I think you have been very sensible, by the sounds of things your families haven't been bubbling or mixing with anyone else, so no additional risk. We are all doing what we need to do to get by right now. That being said, there is a lot of jealousy and anger at the moment, because everyone wants to be able to see their loved ones which is probably why you have got the bitchy responses. If I were you, I would calmly explain that they are your childcare bubble. Although you shouldn't have to explain yourself to them!

Oh, sorry, I think I misread your post and thought you were indeed knowingly breaking the rules. Apologies.
But that proves people can get wrong ideas due to their own prejudice like me, and judge you. So in this case, if anyone gives you a hard time, you may have to explain that you are not breaking any rules, you are following the guidelines.

I think people have lost perspective, and in turn, their compassion and empathy. A sort of Covid tunnel vision, if you like.

Send them a link to the government website which explains what a childcare bubble is and ask them to pinpoint what you are doing that is outside of the rules.

In answer to your question Yes, sadly some people have become dehumanised.
It seems to me that you have been operating a childcare bubble set up and I can’t see what’s wrong with it personally.
Your ‘friends’ seem to have no problem berating you so why not be honest with them about how their comments are upsetting you? In all honesty what has it got to do with them anyway? It just sounds like nasty jealousy to me. Either distance yourself from them or tell them exactly how they are making you feel or both!

I think everyone is struggling at the moment and therefore patience is running thin.

I think covid has done damage, in this exact way!

@ComDummings

I think everyone is struggling at the moment and therefore patience is running thin.

Agree. Think pretty much every feeling of exasperation cuts both ways. We are more divided than ever and all at the end of our tethers.

Thanks all. I know what we’re doing is within the rules (and I haven’t been calling it “play dates” - those are my friends’ words, although I’ve probably been saying to my daughter that X is coming here after school / tomorrow etc, or that she is going to X’s house, as I would have done for a playdate, so goodness knows how the girls present it).
I think I’m just shocked that we’re in this situation. I feel like it’s opened my eyes and we’re living in some sort of dystopian altered reality. These are good friends - the kind of friends who (pre Covid) would have looked after my children if I was sick (and vice versa) and shared drop offs at kids’ activities etc etc. Having to send links to the government website to justify what used to be mundane behaviour just seems such a huge leap.
I know everyone is struggling though, and they will be facing their own challenges. It feels very sad, and divided.

I don’t think we have become dehumanised, many people just want others to stick to the rules. If you have been using a childcare bubble to work and not socially meet up then that’s allowed, if it’s been more about playing with a friend then surely you can’t expect all your friends to agree with your choices.

It’s to work. It has only been used when we are working. Sometimes a non-working parent has both girls, sometimes when we are all working they are at one or other of our houses (because they play well together so we get far more done). Never “just” to play (although from a 5 year old’s perspective I’m sure it seems the same).

I think lockdown has given a minority of people an opportunity to be judgmental and chuck compassion out the window.

Op, don't worry about it. Carry on. Maybe be careful who you discuss it with if they are goi g to be difficult.

OP, the only mistake you’ve made is to be so open about what you’ve been doing. I’ve found you need to be incredibly cautious with others when discussing Covid rules, and never to assume anyone else’s interpretation of the guidelines is the same as yours.

Yes, I do think we’ve lost compassion and abandoned many of the things that make us human, and life worth living. We’ve become so obsessed with saving lives at all costs that we’ve completely forgotten about quality of life, and basic values such as kindness and tolerance of difference.