Have the Covid rules dehumanised us?

[EarlyApple]

I’m sad about an exchange of messages I had with friends / school mums. Both have said some pretty harsh things about the fact that my daughter has recently had “play dates” with a close friend in her class. To my mind these were for childcare reasons: for a year now both DH and I have been wfh with no adequate childcare. The other family (who we’ve been sharing childcare / play dates with) have one key worker parent and one wfh parent, so have had it even worse.

Both us and the “play date” / childcare family we swap with are miles away from our own families and haven’t seen them in months.

Neither of our 2 friends who are now being difficult have struggled for childcare - one family have employed a nanny throughout (with one key worker and one wfh parent); the other have formed a bubble with a single, retired grandparent and have therefore had childcare on tap (despite both working from home).

I honestly thought what we were doing was fine (girls in same school bubble) and have been very open about it, sharing school pick ups (our wrap around care hasn’t restarted) and taking the other child out to the village park etc with us during the holidays. But I feel really “got at” after a serious of “please just stick to the rules” / “why should your child get play dates when ours can’t?” messages today from the 2 friends mentioned above.

I’m on my knees after a year of work, no childcare, home learning. We’ve only been doing this for our 5 year old - our 8 and 10 year olds have been told to amuse themselves, but it seems really quite damaging for a small child to have been told that her parents are “too busy” to play with her on a loop for 13 months, and my friend and I thought tag teaming childcare for our younger children (who play beautifully together) was a perfect and permissible solution.

Why are people being like this? These are nice people, good friends, and I thought sensible. Now I just feel judged and it’s horrible. Are they just really exhausted too?! Or am I doing something awful? (For the avoidance of doubt, this child is the only person who has been in our house - we’re not widely flouting the rules).

All you had to do was read the Mumsnet threads on who counted as a key worker when schools closed in the latest lockdown to see the jealousy and vitriol bubbling just beneath the surface.

I don't think C19 has dehumanised us. Sadly, I think humans always have the capacity to behave like this and the pandemic has given a veneer of respectability and responsibility to very unpleasant behaviours that would have been socially unacceptable before March 2020.

The very unpleasant urge in some people to denounce their friends and neighbours using the excuse of 'doing the right thing' and 'the common good' should give everyone pause for thought in my view.

Unfortunately social media and instant messaging has made people more like this, the judgements have been going on a lot longer than Covid. It's definitely worse now though! You're within the guidance.

I don't think they've become 'dehumanised' though - think that's the wrong word as being judgemental/grumpy/bitchy is pretty human!!

I think I would try to ignore as I do understand why people are getting arsey - even whilst thinking they are wrong to be arsey about x/y/z.

Everyone is struggling. They should give you the benefit of the doubt, or mind their own business, but people are struggling.

I would send one polite reply saying we are in a childcare bubble and then hold my head high and not engage again of mentioned again

I don't think Ive ever seen society so divided, judgemental, discriminatory and so keen to still their noses in other peoples business as they are now.

I've decided to keep my business totally private, do what I think is right for me and mine and to not care what anyone else does

There are people out there I considered friends that I will never feel the same about after this is over and that's quite sad but definitely a lot of true colours been shown

I think that the press and social media are the issue not the rules. The government handling the psychology of the pandemic in a iffy way too.

Yep, if you don’t want to be judged don’t hold yourself out for judgement.

I try not to discuss the rules too much, at some point people clam up and you know you’ve hit a point of disagreement and you shut up.
It’s really none of anyone else’s business how you have got through the past year!

@savethegrannies

I wouldn't use the word dehumanised. I would say divided. I view quite a few people - friends, colleagues - differently after all this. I suspect the feeling is mutual.

Yes, same here.

For example the (now ex) friend who, when I confided in her just how worried I was about my daughter’s mental health, told me DD was “collateral damage”.

Or the neighbour who kept calling the police as one of our other neighbours kept having visitors - despite being told time and time again they were carers providing end of life care for a terminally ill household member.

I have been surprised by the behaviour of some people I know during the pandemic to be honest.

One day this will all over and we all have to live alongside each other again.

I think the mistake you’ve made is not saying “childcare bubble” as often as possible.
As in “we’re so glad to have formed a childcare bubble with x’s parents, we couldn’t work otherwise.” Repeat often.

I think social distancing has a lot to answer for. Things like holding doors, helping elderly people when out and about. I never know whether to do what was polite or if that is now rude because it isn’t distant enough!

There are people out there I considered friends that I will never feel the same about after this is over and that's quite sad but definitely a lot of true colours been shown

Sadly, this. I have friends I’d had for years who have been absolute arses, either having parties of 50 and making fun of me because I won’t go, or being nasty because I go and care for my elderly parents (completely allowed), or saying my long Covid is all in my head.

There are also people I thought were decent people who have been so blinkered in their “work from home in a secure job” bubble they have no idea what it’s been like for others, to be self employed like me, or like DH who was made redundant. One actually crowed that he made better job choices.

I swear I will have a whole new set of friends after this as some have been unexpectedly lovely. I’ve really seen who people are.

I wonder if their DC are upset because it’s mentioned at school that your DC and the other child are playing together and visiting each other houses.

@greenlynx

I wonder if their DC are upset because it’s mentioned at school that your DC and the other child are playing together and visiting each other houses.

I don’t really see how that’s relevant to the adults having a go. Children might get jealous about all sorts of things (maybe OP’s child is jealous of her friend’s who get to see grandparents when hers live too far away to be seen for example ), that’s not really a reason for the parents to be unreasonable.

@Soothes

I think there are lots of things that "we" have accepted that make us barely human. It's beyond me why we, as a population, accepted that care home residents should have no visitor for a year, for example.

yes just because care homes are worried that they would be sued by families for an elderly person who is probably close to end of life anyway, dying of covid. In what world would you sue? And how is that better than stoppng people from seeing their families.

As for letting two girls play together so you can work - presumably if you didn't work you'd be a benefits scrounger, so you can't win. Tell them to naff off.

I've had the same from friends, there is a big divide, sadly. What feels worse though is when those who criticise bend the rules to their favour while pointing the finger.

I've got a mate who is constantly moaning on social media about absolutely everything everyone else does - despite doing it himself. Moaning about there being a lot of cars on the road while he's driving. About shops being busy - while he's shopping that sort of thing.

I deleted another former friend who appointed herself as the FB Covid police and commented every time anyone left the house - this was last summer when rule of 6 was in place. Her hypocrisy was so tiresome it was better to remove her than get infuriated

I can't wait for this to be over so we can get back to arguing with randoms about anything other than bloody COVID

I’m afraid so. I’ve heard people that are close to me say that they’ll not shake hands with people or kiss them when they greet them. Ever again!
Society will definitely change as a result, some people will barely leave their house as a result of this.
It’s fucking awful. Especially when I hear about social distancing and face masks being around forever!
Anyone who thinks this shit situation will be over by June 21st will be mistaken. I’m very sad to even type that.