I thought I had been coping okay but I'm really not

[annabellacomestotea]

During the first lockdown, I actually coped pretty well, but as I look back, my mental health has taken a complete nosedive.

I work from home (I have never met my colleagues), I am studying online (also completely virtually), I meditate, run and work out, and although these things helped at first, I now feel I am completely going through the motions and notice little impact on my mood.

I have always slept well, but now struggle to sleep before 2am. I am permanently exhausted. I dread weekends, because all there is to do is go for the same few walks, get a takeaway or watch TV.

My dad has taken up smoking, my brother lost his job back in March 2020 and hasn't found anything since so is low level depressed, and my husband is also depressed and totally shut down (we have problems in our marriage anyway but now spend all our time in different rooms.)

Before covid my life was very busy. I travelled extensively, and was very social. If I complain my friends tell me, 'well it isn't forever, and anyway you were lucky to have been able to do all that so why are you complaining?'

I feel claustrophobic and trapped, with no motivation for anything. Often on weekends (from Fri - Sun) I feel suicidal and wish I wasn't here anymore. I am just...chronically bored. I am 31 and feel like I've had time stolen from me. I feel I live to work and sit in my home.

I do talk to my friends and meet up here and there, but everyone seems down in their own way. My friends don't seem like the same people. One of my closest has gone on AD's and there's little to say as no-one is doing anything.

I've been on AD's before but they give me headaches. I just feel so....fed up of life. I keep not wanting to be here anymore. I am holding on and won't do anything silly. I just can't stand much more of this half life.

I think a lot of people feel the same way - which you acknowledge. I don’t feel I have the same capacity to care for others due to struggling myself. Is it possible this is also true for your friends?
Might it be worth trying another AD? Just because one have you headaches doesn’t mean they all will.

I think all my friends feel the same way, all just trying to keep our heads above water. I've spent this whole weekend crying and having panic attacks. My neighbourhood is so quiet you can hear a pin drop, and I just don't know what to do with myself. I keep feeling I need to find a way to enjoy the weekends but I just dread them, I can't stand them. I feel I've exhausted all the things I'm doing (meditating, exercise, walks, series on Netflix, reading, writing.)

I'm the same OP and I noticed my area was quiet

I didn't know of that meant people had gone to central London though.

I can only empathise. It would be so nice to not wake up tomorrow.

I think what's hit me hard too is my mum passed away in 2018 and I spent most of 2019 grieving, and finally making some plans to get out and live life. Then the pandemic hit, and a lot of my pain/grief about my mother is bubbling back up, simply because I can't make any new memories or do any of the things I had planned to do to keep my life moving. I have nightmares about her, and keep panicking. It is just hell.

Please talk to your GP, OP. I've been feeling the same as you but was hesitant to a) waste my GP's time with all that's going on and b) go back onto ADs because the last ones I was on disagreed with me so badly. Eventually I felt so desperate I didn't have a choice and he was so lovely and so supportive. He prescribed different ADs and they have made the world of difference in the few weeks I've been on them.

It's awful at the moment and I empathise completely

@AcornAutumn I am sorry you feel the same way. I just feel I've lost the spark for life.

@annabellacomestotea

I think what's hit me hard too is my mum passed away in 2018 and I spent most of 2019 grieving, and finally making some plans to get out and live life. Then the pandemic hit, and a lot of my pain/grief about my mother is bubbling back up, simply because I can't make any new memories or do any of the things I had planned to do to keep my life moving. I have nightmares about her, and keep panicking. It is just hell.

Ah...I hear you.

My dad died in 2018. I recovered but mum probably won't, so there is a sense of the last few years as

Dad being in hospital a few months
Dad dying
Mum being unable to do anything
Short burst of normality
Lockdown.

I was already on ADs and would certainly be worse off without them, they definitely stopped 95% of panic attacks.

One thing I'd say is to start them slower than the doctor says, that can make the side effects less of a problem.

I really feel for you

I feel exactly the same. I don't want to go to bed anymore only to wake up to this same miserable existence again.

I’ve been feeling very much the same. So anxious I felt sick all the time and it crossing my mind that I wouldn’t worry like this is I was dead. I rang my GP on Monday after a meltdown Friday night and he has prescribed a beta blocker. I started taking it Tuesday and already I feel calmer. It stops the physical aspects of anxiety and it has definitely calmed down the worst of my symptoms already. No side effects yet but it’s only been a short time. Please ask for help, my GP was amazing.

Absolutely. I felt the first lockdown was mostly ok and I had motivation to make the most of it. Now in some ways I’m doing objectively even better - studying etc - but I just feel nothing most of the time, the only time I have emotions really are when I get crushingly sad or I panic.

There were a few things I was expecting to have closure on because they were interrupted by the first lockdown. But now it’s been a year, I really don’t think that’ll happen. So some of the little things I was clinging to for hope have disappeared.

To be dealing with the last year after a bereavement too is just awful I’m sorry 💐

Hi autumn 💐

That sounds incredibly tough.Ive been on Ad's since this started and they've been a god send. Do you have a good friend wh you could confide in about how rough things have gotten? My best mate is based abroad and we what's app lots. I can be honest if I'm feeling terrible.

Hi Sing

A friend's dad died at the start of lockdown and she was saying it was good timing because she had legally permitted reasons to have visitors. Amazing society can sink so low.

I think working from home and doing everything virtually on a permanent basis can be very negative for some people. I'm school staff and grew to hate the slow, quiet samey days when we were at home.

Hi everyone, thank you for your comments. I'm sorry to hear so many feel the same, although definitely not surprised. The funny thing is I am quite introverted and love recharge time, but this has just gone on too long now for me.

I am reluctant to try another AD because I've felt rotten on all I've tried (not lasted past a week.) I have used diazepam in the past (short term) and it was a life saver but I'm scared to ask for it again even though I don't have an addictive nature due to the stigma around them. I don't want to risk being told no or feel policed for asking.

I do talk a lot to my brother and a few close friends about my feelings, and it definitely does help but I think it's all the talking without being able to change anything that's hard.

I'm doing what I can for myself (my course, exercise, working, saving etc.), but I feel like there's a lot in my life I want to sort out. I want to do some more travelling, my marriage is in big trouble and I don't know what to do about it, I feel like at 31 I should be out making memories and building my life and I can't. I know people at all ages are losing things/having struggles, I had just built up this year (and last) to be years where I started moving after the loss of my mother and an extra marital affair that broke down, and now I feel utterly stuck.

Not all days are bad, but there is this creeping sense of panic and dread I can't shake. I've even started to hate living in the UK after spending so much time here...it feels oppressive, little nature where I am and I'm sick of our fear-mongering news.

I keep dreaming of places I've been before, by the water, in nature, friendlier people, more outdoorsy, and feeling really shortchanged to live here. I know the UK is great, and there are many things we are lucky to have, but maybe coming out of winter into this groggy March with nothing to do has just left me less enamoured.

I know I sound like I'm in total victim mode. I don't mean to. Just....urgh. I'm trying so hard to keep fighting for myself and to keep going, but it's a daily battle.

@IrishMamaMia

I think working from home and doing everything virtually on a permanent basis can be very negative for some people. I'm school staff and grew to hate the slow, quiet samey days when we were at home.

Yes definitely! Working full time and studying online, and even for a while I was doing online yoga classes, stopped those because I couldn't stand another screen!

It's like being stuck in a doom filled groundhog day.

Monday rolls around and its work sat behind a screen for me. My job tends to involve a lot of angry folk shouting and swearing at me so that's emotionally draining. Then Fri evening arrives and it's the same weekend as ever. Couple of glasses of wine, food shopping, more wine, eating, eating some more, watching tv, bed. Repeat.

We dont even go outside anymore as it's just a soul destroying experience walking the same walk we started a year ago.

Stuck on the covid treadmill & wondering if we'll ever get off.

I need my life back

@SpnBaby1967

It's like being stuck in a doom filled groundhog day.

Monday rolls around and its work sat behind a screen for me. My job tends to involve a lot of angry folk shouting and swearing at me so that's emotionally draining. Then Fri evening arrives and it's the same weekend as ever. Couple of glasses of wine, food shopping, more wine, eating, eating some more, watching tv, bed. Repeat.

We dont even go outside anymore as it's just a soul destroying experience walking the same walk we started a year ago.

Stuck on the covid treadmill & wondering if we'll ever get off.

I need my life back

Yes, it is the same for me. Mon-Fri at work (I work from home too) I deal with angry people all day long, (work in the health field.) It is incredibly emotionally and mentally draining and some people are just vile even as you try to help them. Then the weekend is just....a walk, a workout, eat, TV, over and over. It's like being in some sort of dystopian novel. It really is.

I feel for you OP.
I was coping OK for most of it then hit a horrific spell a few weeks ago. Suicidal thoughts and the whole lot.
I can cope with (almost) anything if it has an end date, but I'm starting to feel this will just go on and on...

Agree about the dystopian novel feeling. I guess this is what months of hopelessness results in and why so many of us are currently feeling low. I want to say everything will be fine and not long to go now.
One idea, once you've spoken to GP and had some support maybe you could plan something small for yourself for April when restrictions are due to lift? Not a lot I know but at least something to plan and look forward to.

Thanks Irishmamamia, I am sorry you are feeling so low too. It's just the relentlessness of it I think and the fact that so many things that make people re-charge (letting off steam at a party, having a weekend away, seeing a big group of friends, going for a dinner or to see a film or for an hour at the gym) have all been stripped away.

I found a lot of things to do, like writing, reading, painting, meditation, exercise, but none of these things were with people, and I think that's what was missing. I'm not even an extrovert or party animal or anything like that, but I think we've all collectively all had the little crutches that help keep you going stripped away for a year give or take, and it does wear you down.

I can really relate. I know lots of others who also feel like this, too. And I've also been resisting AD's because of past experiences. It's so tough.

I don't have much in the way of advice but I just wanted you to know you aren't alone. The thing that is helping me is just consistently getting myself outside for walks even when I don't feel like it. It is brightening up out there with more and more flowers/leaves coming out and it does make me feel that little bit better to get moving each day. And things are about to change, they really are. The toughest days are behind us. I think as we can start to do more and mix more, some joy will slowly return and before you know it, life will feel genuinely different. We just have to hang on in there for a bit longer. Your marriage sounds like it might have run it's course - that is such a big thing to get your head around having lost your mum but again as life opens up and there's more of a balance of mixing with people that might be something you feel up to addressing properly.

Just hang on in there and do your best. Be really kind to yourself for now in any ways you can be. There will come a point when we have got months to years in the future and we will look back on this and see that things have changed but we have to be patient for now. The numbers are all going in the right direction for people to be allowed to mix more before long.

I feel like I could have written a lot of this. It’s just us and we live quite far away from family so we also don’t have the chance to have all the bubbles everyone else seems to. So it’s just us in an area where we’ve never really been out of restrictions. I’m somewhere in between extrovert/introvert but either way it’s missing the chance to be carefree. I feel like my life is stuck and I’m usually very focused on what’s next but now it feels like nothing.

Hi op I am the same I had a breakdown late 2019 due to swapping AD and not being tapered properly still feeling it now .. I feel impending doom every day and petrified going back into depression ... I am so anxious I constantly can't breathe and am on sertraline!!!! I am sick of fucking scientists doing interviews and giving their opinion therefore stressing people out

You ARE NOT alone and there is a massive mental health crisis

X

Hello OP.
I'm sorry you are having such a tough time.

I've recently been on some of the MH threads here and it is helpful.

After years of not seeking help, I was put on ADs at Christmas. Tried them for 6 weeks, but gave me chronic insomnia. Now on a different AD, which still gives me insomnia (not as bad) but it's early days.

Please contact your GP and don't suffer in silence

Feel the same. I just work, look after the kids, do a lot of housework. The news that foreign holidays could be off has not helped. (Can only afford camping in U.K. and that is overpriced and exhausting.)