I thought I had been coping okay but I'm really not

[annabellacomestotea]

During the first lockdown, I actually coped pretty well, but as I look back, my mental health has taken a complete nosedive.

I work from home (I have never met my colleagues), I am studying online (also completely virtually), I meditate, run and work out, and although these things helped at first, I now feel I am completely going through the motions and notice little impact on my mood.

I have always slept well, but now struggle to sleep before 2am. I am permanently exhausted. I dread weekends, because all there is to do is go for the same few walks, get a takeaway or watch TV.

My dad has taken up smoking, my brother lost his job back in March 2020 and hasn't found anything since so is low level depressed, and my husband is also depressed and totally shut down (we have problems in our marriage anyway but now spend all our time in different rooms.)

Before covid my life was very busy. I travelled extensively, and was very social. If I complain my friends tell me, 'well it isn't forever, and anyway you were lucky to have been able to do all that so why are you complaining?'

I feel claustrophobic and trapped, with no motivation for anything. Often on weekends (from Fri - Sun) I feel suicidal and wish I wasn't here anymore. I am just...chronically bored. I am 31 and feel like I've had time stolen from me. I feel I live to work and sit in my home.

I do talk to my friends and meet up here and there, but everyone seems down in their own way. My friends don't seem like the same people. One of my closest has gone on AD's and there's little to say as no-one is doing anything.

I've been on AD's before but they give me headaches. I just feel so....fed up of life. I keep not wanting to be here anymore. I am holding on and won't do anything silly. I just can't stand much more of this half life.

Thank you so much everyone for your kind posts - they are making me teary.

I find myself up at night thinking:

should I get a divorce?
should I have children?
what if I divorce and don't meet anyone to have children with?
if I lose another year, what should I prioritise? Travel, career, building a family?

I feel a lot of time scarcity. All these thoughts end up making me panic and shut down. I lie in bed on my phone scared to start the day. I wish I could speak to my mum but she isn't here, and even if she was she can't tell me how to live my life. Just don't want to lose anymore time :(

The loss of time is terrifying now it’s been a year. The last twelve months have been mostly a miserable blur.

I am terrified that certain things have changed irrevocably.

I am sorry that may have been completely unhelpful. I am trying not to dwell on it but sometimes it overwhelms me. I don’t know what the answer is, if anyone figures it out please let me know!

@Shopliftersoftheworldunite hi, no not at all. I feel much the same way, and am happy not to be alone, although I don't like that other people feel so miserable too. The time scarcity is a big thing for me. I feel I'm losing some precious years to covid, years in which I need to get going for my life, time I can't get back. I can't tell if I am being dramatic or if it's my anxiety talking, but I didn't expect to spend my start to my 30s this way. A lot of my older family have passed on or are in poor health, so I am terrified of losing my healthy years in such a wasteful and miserable way.

After the loss of mum I wanted to go and live my life, and now I can't.

OP I want to give you a big hug.

So sorry about the loss of your mum OP. Bereavement must make this a thousand times harder. I hope you get your wish soon.

I haven't got any of the extra stressful situations your currently dealing with yet I totally feel the same - reading your post and hearing what you've gone through/ going through sounds so awful, really sorry your going through this! I echo what everyone else has said, maybe try some other AD's or a good chat with your GP xx

I only worked from home for 4 months and it killed me, I had to quit!! I didn't refer to it as "working from home" it was "living at work" ugggh !!

I do wonder how the average person is coping with this right now. It's a far cry from relaxing in the garden in the warm sunshine (for those lucky enough to have them).

Major sympathies with you OP

Please ignore the pill pushers - it's incredible how many people insist YOU MUST TAKE AD's, when the actual evidence is that they are only effective on people with MAJOR depression, and then only in about 30% of cases. Despite this the clamour to take AD's can sometimes feel like bullying! Stick to your guns - if you WANTED to take them, you'd have the additional benefit of placebo working in your favour, raising the odds you'd get some short-term benefit, but as you DON'T want to take them they're almost certain to fail.

It's hard for everyone to cope with the monotony of lockdown - how much harder it must be for you having only just recently lost your mother and then relationship issues on top! I think a lot of people have broken up during lockdown because it puts a massive strain on the healthiest of relationships. There really is no "How to survive lockdown as a couple" manual!

I think the most important place to start is communication. The first thing many people do when they feel depressed is cut themselves off from others - when you're BOTH depressed you can then start imagining they're cutting you off for the worst of reasons - it's a downwards spiral. So perhaps try to communicate how you currently feel and why, but without expecting your husband to fix it, nor should you be trying to fix him!

The other thing to remember is that we're nearly at, if not the finishing line, certainly the end of a tough stage. Summer will soon be here and although SOME restrictions may remain, you'll be free to do a LOT more than you can right now. That will change a lot about how you currently feel.

Finally, it can be good to really get your mind off stuff - overthinking things leads nowhere fast. If you're struggling to sleep, it's probably because your mind is simply not being worked enough during the day! I find throwing myself into a short (2-3 month) project helps a lot with both stopping me dwelling on bad stuff, and tiring my brain out so I sleep better.

If all this fails, then your first port of call should be CBT - if you can afford it it's good to do this with a counsellor, but there's free also online courses you can do by yourself.

You're not alone, there's a lot of people struggling right now but better days will be here before you know it.

I feel like antidepressants wouldn't help me because the problem is my life, the world, and medication can't fix those things, only numb me to them (only if I can tolerate them at all.)

Since my mum died, my family has really broken apart and I feel lost and alone like a scared little kid, no sense of community, can't see any friends. Today I feel really suicidal. I even looked at a kitchen knife and had a macarbe urge to hurt myself. I haven't and I won't, I just feel like my life is circling the drain with no way out, no way back.

My dad, brother and husband are all depressed too. It's like we've become crabs in a bucket. I don't know how to be happy anymore. I'm sorry if I sound pathetic, I just feel desperate.

I have started repeating "I want to die" over and over at night in my head while trying to sleep. I don't. But it is like a compulsion now. I have started self harming again which I hadn't done in many many years.
My sister's mental health has crashed through the floor. I do as much as I can as we are in a bubble (She is a single parent). She has always struggled with ill mental health so Iay awake most nights worried for her. She puts a brave face on but I can see right through it.

I thought I was just about coping but in January hit rock bottom and haven’t moved much since
I worry all the time about work - I’m responsible for a lot of other peoples jobs we could easily have to close down in next year
I’m not sure how easy at 56 it will be to get another job which then puts my home at risk
DP has been out of work since June and has only had 1 interview - I help him out financially including paying his rent which puts more pressure on me
I’m not stopping helping people but sometimes wish I hadn’t started! Today I’m not feeling well but still have errands to do for elderly DM with Alzheimer’s and elderly NDN who has become quite immobile
I cannot be bothered to do very much at all - I used to enjoy knitting and crochet, crosswords, online games, jigsaws etc - I’m over everything
I don’t want to go for yet another walk, and miss swimming and the gym
I’ve put on weight, feel I look a mess (hair, nails, weight gain etc)
The only slight lift I get is from eating and drinking hence the weight gain
Don’t even feel sociable - I have nothing to say to friends as I’ve done nothing other than work and feel all talked out after work as it’s a big part of my job
I’m not suicidal yet and have not gone back to self harm after years of managing not to, however I hope fate takes its course in some way - I go to bed hoping never to wake up
Spend a lot more time crying than I would like, not sleeping well, but end up going to bed early as what else is there to do

I'm up and down most weeks. I've been working from home since last March, don't see anyone or speak to anyone and when I do theres nothing much to say! Its a constant groundhog existence of waking up, walking to my office, working, cooking tea then bed and repeat. I take the dogs out everyday but im so sick of the same walks. I really want to plan some events and do things 😩.

I'm so tired of people telling me that if I don't LOVE working from home and all the HOBBIES I have time for now then I'm doing it wrong.

Lying awake reciting I Want To Die in my head rings a bell as well. I feel like I don't exist any more and if it wasn't for having children, I dunno. Would I even still be here?

That sounds really tough I’m not surprised it’s becoming too much

I am really struggling these past few weeks. Really miss seeing my friends, family and the very active social life DP and I had pre covid.
I am optimistic things will work out OK but these past 2 weeks in particular have felt extra hard and it does feel like everyone else is coping better than me. Which then makes me feel even worse.

I am sorry OP. All I can say is that you are not alone. It is awful, genuinely heartbreaking. Hang on in there anyway you can.

It's just a shame that the only real solution we all have now is AD's. What a shit excuse for a life.

It’s been hard then easier in waves

Today was hard. Spent four hours in cold park. Chatted to random people as dc played together. Now need a break from noise of family and am upstairs listening to music.

Sometimes you have to seek out what gets you through. For me atm it’s quiet.

But I know it’d be the opposite if everything was digital and I’d try to at least walk with someone, not sure if that’s possible op

You're truly not alone OP as you have likely gleaned from all the responses. I have been feeling much the same.

Can I thank you though? For starting this thread as it has helped me and others to not feel alone either. I feel a pressure to take ADs too. Like they're a miracle cure. I feel exactly the same as you. ADs can't magically change my life back to how it was when it was when it was enjoyable. I hate the pressure of feeling I should just succumb to them. The obligation to take them. I have tried them, three different kinds and CBT, hated it. Like you, I do get relief on occasions when I feel really bad, from diazepam.

I get it OP. I truly do

@NothingIsWrong

I'm so tired of people telling me that if I don't LOVE working from home and all the HOBBIES I have time for now then I'm doing it wrong.

Lying awake reciting I Want To Die in my head rings a bell as well. I feel like I don't exist any more and if it wasn't for having children, I dunno. Would I even still be here?

I swear if i see or hear anything more about people who've learned 3 new languages, quilting, crochet, llama farming or how to knit yoghurt my bloody head will implode. They've had the time, splendid, but many of us haven't and the domestic nirvana we're told we should have found has failed to materialise. Single parent of 3 here, one with autism, and 3 dogs. I love them all but i am exhausted. I feel dull, bored and ground down. The funny thing is i'm a natural introvert so weeks without obligatory school functions & 'play dates' & more time at home to read, study or watch films - wonderful. Only those things aren't compatible with 3 children at home full time. They're now back at school, briefly as Easter looms, and i'm wondering how i'm ever going to get the house back up straight....A year ago i would've rolled up my sleeves and just cracked on, now i've just no enthusiasm for it. I'm sorry you're feeling so low OP, but thanks for putting it into words so well. It's really chimed with me.

I echo the poster who said thank you for starting this thread. I feel much the same, and guilty for feeling it- a thread like this reminds me that it’s ok to feel shit. Really shit.

The impact of the pandemic on my mental health has gone way beyond what I expected. Tearful, overwhelmed, desperate. No longer enjoy doing anything I used to.

& tired of hearing ‘look after your mental health.’ How? By taking a hot bath??

I hope it helps you too to learn that you’re not alone. If you tell your GP the extent of how you’re feeling, I doubt they’d begrudge you a bit of Diazepam. Good luck.

I'm different from you. I'm in my 30s but I wasn't social before and we always had quiet weekends and evenings. So that part hasn't really impacted me.
But.... I agree with you about how a lot of people have changed. My mum treats me like I'm a walking bio hazard. That's hurtful. When I speak to friends and family, no one has anything else to talk about other than covid!
I hope over the summer when people's lives get a bit fuller, the general mood will lighten

Hello everybody.

Your responses have really warmed my heart. I'm so sorry to all those who are feeling the same, and hope that you are holding on and doing okay today. I feel so happy if this post connected to anyone and allowed them to express themselves. It's been a huge comfort to me to see that others feel the same, I don't feel so...'weird'.'

I hope people keep posting so that we can be of some comfort to each other. X