How are you ? Honesty - how are you doing?

[24601mary]

To all the parents out there- how are you? How are you coping with lockdown / the past year ? How are your relationships at home ?

Myself and my husband have a 2 year old little girl. My husband has been self employed working from home until he recently (and so very luckily) got a permanent job for a very big company where he is continuing to work from home. I work from home twice a week and have my in-laws watch my daughter during this time. On paper , we are doing alright and are in such a fortunate position I would never want to seem ungrateful .

Mentally though, we are struggling , and we have only realised so tonight after admitting our feelings to one another . We've been living and working under the same (small) roof for a year now. We've had no escape from one another and ironically we see each other so much and yet we spend no 'quality' time together.
I have been getting frustrated about things my husband is or isn't doing around the house , without even considering the things he has been secretly worrying and thinking about .

I read somewhere ages ago that said we are all in the same storm but sailing different boats , and it's so true ! But I wondered , how is everyone else coping!? How is your mental health holding up? I can't even begin to imagine how hard it must be for those in a similar situation to ours PLUS having to homeschool .

So, how are you?

@24601mary what a great way to start a thread - and it’s kind of you to ask! When my DD was 2 (2013) I was struggling with my mental health. I found the adaptation to becoming a parent very hard, particularly as I had her quite late in life - and had been used to my freedom. I used to get very narky with DP, and had we be forced under one roof at that stage of my life - I would have found it incredibly difficult. I now have DS who is nearly 2 - and have been homeschooling DD who is nearly 10. We moved to a cramped bungalow intending to convert the roof space (2 years ago) - and haven’t been able to. We are living out of boxes still. Weirdly - as a family - we are getting on better than ever, and I don’t want to send DD back to school next week. I feel stronger mentally then I have for a long time.
There are many reasons for this:

1. Maslow’s Triangle! I read about it in the first lockdown - realised I wouldn’t be able to get on the top of the triangle - and realised that so long as we have food/shelter/warmth - we will be ok, and anything on the higher levels will be a bonus.
2. 2 family members and a friend needed/still need urgent NHS care. I am in awe of the NHS and various professionals who have saved lives and saved our country. I’m determined to stay strong, and support them however I can.
3. DD and DS are my absolute focus and they are thriving. My day to day focus. DS still sleeps in the same room as us (as we can’t do our building work) - and although this would be frowned upon, my goodness he is so happy! He gets a complete overload of love, cuddles and nurturing. Similarly with DD - she gets up, we all spend 30 mins cuddling on sofa, then breakfast and homeschooling. I haven’t returned to work, which means we means we will still struggle to get our building work done, can’t have holidays (we plan on a tent in the garden). The house is a complete mess with toys, we have a fridge in the lounge, woodchip everywhere, tatty carpet, asbestos garage - I don’t care about any of it. It’ll get sorted one day. But the cuddle time, laughter, enjoying the children is a million percent more important and my total focus. I finally feel like ‘a mum’ - and a good mum. It’s taken me a long time to feel this way.

My main issue is that I do feel anger towards the world I my children will grow up into. I see the pandemic as the fault of humans e.g mass over consumption has lead to the destruction of nature, which has led animals into closer contact with humans - and allowed viruses to be transferred. I’m also angry with a large proportion of people who have flouted and not questioned the impact of their choices and actions. Even my ten year old has more humanity, and understands the guidelines better than many adults that we see on our daily exercise. And she asks - why have they done that? why have they dropped litter? etc, etc - and it’s hard to answer her.

We have 2 and 5 year old. I work full-time in a high pressure job. My husband works full-time out the house. I am homeschooling. I start work at 6am and finish at midnight every day in older to fit a normal days work between homeschooling. We're also in the middle of a large extension so I'm managing that, and we have a puppy! I go through waves of emotions, it's been one of the toughest times of our lives but we're nearly through it. We have our health and the weather is warming up. Good times are ahead and I hold onto that every single day.

Same storm, different boats is a great way of putting it! We’re both frontline (teacher and police officer) so it’s been an incredibly tough year, but I’m actually glad we’ve been busy because I think my mental health would have suffered more if I didn’t have enough to do. I think I’ve gone into denial for much of this year, otherwise I’d never have been able to get on public transport or get on with my job. I do wonder if once this is all over it will suddenly hit me. DC have been brilliant, but seem happiest when at keyworker school (I have some weeks wfh and keep them with me on those weeks). I think the return of all pupils to school, as long as it doesn’t significantly affect community infections, will do us all the world of good. I’m looking forward to teaching my class face to face during the day, and being a mum in the evenings again - rather than feeling I need to constantly juggle my children’s needs, the children at home and the children at school which has been dizzying.

Not great but trying to hang on. I'm doing ok but my 5 yr old daughter has not coped at all. Which effects me.

It doesn't help her school had shown how little they care and I work part time there. At least I can get out (as I have another part time job that will ramp up soon) in September so I can focus on my daughter.

@VashtaNerada and @Scottishgirl85 blimey! Just hats off to you for doing it all, and working full time. I was just at the point of returning to work after maternity leave, when pandemic hit - and decided to delay (also a teacher). I feel fortunate in some ways that I made that choice - although we are struggling financially.

Not good.
I’m not looking after myself. WFH permanently is taking its toll, I’m not eating or sleeping properly. I started smoking again. I feel paranoid, lonely, sad, very snappy. DH and I have discussed divorce.
Luckily, my 3yo DS is getting on ok. Am thankful for that.

I just don’t want to be here anymore.

Thanks for asking OP .
Have had quite a positive experience of the pandemic so far....no health concerns, not lost anybody and both ours jobs are secure and no money issues. Have used the time to get house improvements made and decided when life goes back to normal, l will be much more choosy on how l spend my spare time.
But if l hear the word mummy one more time, l think l might scream. I am quite low maintenance in general but the thing l do like is personal space and time to myself....that is the hardest thing we have got a big enough house we can all sit in seperate rooms but wherever l go, someone follows me and and it drives me mad. Seems to have got worse since they said schools are going back l am literally counting the days down till l get a precious few hours to myself

In Ireland. I love the boat analogy and the sentiment of this thread! Am doing okay and not okay alternating. I am one of my only friends that is afraid of schools going back and that are staying fully in lockdown and they think I'm crazy which I could be but am struggling with long covid. hope something nice happens for you today op!

Home is fine.
Work is a shitshow and making me depressed.

But if l hear the word mummy one more time, l think l might scream.
My kids literally filled in while I was cooking (which I'm no good at but am starting to enjoy for the quiet) yesterday and I got play by play account of everything one after the other. It was lovely and cute but I had to keep nodding smiling and inwardly taking deep breaths because I just wanted 5 minutes.

Suffocating with no time alone. Never have any spare money. Food bill high with being at home all.the bloody time

Feeling a lot more positive since the roadmap announcement and nice weather.

But I feel like my husband and I just spend every evening staring mindlessly at the TV or our phones and that really gets me down.

My daughter is about to turn 4 and has been exhibiting some challenging behaviour recently which I've found hard to deal with, without being able to take her to a toddler group for a run around while I chat to friends. She is going back to preschool next week which I think will help.

I know exactly what you mean about doing ok "on paper". I know so many are facing much worse circumstances than me, but I'm struggling.

DH and I are solvent - he's working from home, I'm on a planned maternity leave, and we have savings. But we're both high risk and even though we've both had our first jabs the anxiety we've been living with for a year now has really taken its toll.

We have a 3yo and a 4 month old. The 3yo has only had 8 weeks of nursery since last March due to our high risk status. We're planning to send her back in a couple of weeks, but if these new variants kick off who knows...

We are utterly exhausted and we never even have time to have a proper conversation after balancing work and two children's needs. I'm in bed by 9 most nights but still feel washed up.

And at some point I need to start working out what I'm going to do for employment after this mat leave (my old job isn't really an option anymore for reasons that are too outing to post here)

@Silverthorny what a lovely post. Your home sounds warm and full of love. Perfect.

I agree with PP- same storm but in different boats.

We have been ok here but my job is stable (full on) and DH is self employed in a sort of famine or feast role. DC6 is at school so that is helping my work. I normally go away for part of the week so I'm loving being at home full time.

I have had a few wobbles and DH and I have had a couple of humdingers - but generally we are really thankful for our lot. We have a decent garden and we go for our exercise to places other people generally don't know about. I guess we are coasting and looking forward to seeing everyone again.

My DF has battled cancer in 2020 and is doing well at the moment, do another thing to be thankful for. NHS has been utterly awesome.

to everyone on this thread who is struggling.

I'm doing ok thanks OP. DH started a new job four months before the first lockdown, so I was worried about him losing it (in a last in first out kind of way - not because his company was particularly affected by covid) but he's had a good year, is enjoying the job and doesn't mind wfh. I work part time (26 hours a week) which is lucky as I've been able to combine wfh with home schooling. My DC are old enough to be fairly independent (three of them in years 6, 8 and 10) and have coped really well on the whole, although they are looking forward to going back to school next week. None of us have had covid and hardly anyone I know has had it badly. I've done more exercise than I have for years! It has been boring at times, but thankfully no worse than that.

Definitely reached fatigue with it all the last month or so. I had pretty good emotional stamina for 2020, but this final (hopefully final!) bleak, cold lockdown has made me so snappy. I am sick of playgrounds! We were so happy that they remained open after they were closed for lockdown 1 but omg, dullsville.
I have had a good year personally - new house, lots of self development, sought professional help for some issues, started anxiety meds (not to do with pandemic). So luckily I have these things outside of covid that I can draw positivity from. So I am in a lucky position and still getting down in the dumps!
Glad my 5 year old can go back to school on Monday and we can start getting out of some ‘covid survival’ habits, namely bribing for school work with chocolate, too much screen time and snappy mummy!

I’m struggling so much I was actually offered a face to face appointment with my GP! I have had my antidepressants increased which is helping, but I want to just scream at the bloody awful ongoing restrictions. I live in Scotland so no fucking end in sight. I texted a friend I haven’t spoken to in a while last night hoping for some support, unfortunately her husband is trapped overseas by the current quarantine arrangements (he works on an oil rig) and she has lost a family member to COVID. She told me she is struggling with suicidal thoughts (but has no plan to carry anything out) so I spent my evening counselling her and encouraging her to see her GP today. My friends are all in their 30’s and 40’s, and we all work for health, every single one of them is struggling horrendously with stress, depression and isolation. There doesn’t seem to be any understanding of the horrendous impact not being able to see family, friends, go for a meal, or a mooch around the shops has on everyone. As long as you turn up for work no one cares!

Anybody else feeling worse since the Roadmap was announced ?

It’s like having held on for so long that suddenly it starts to unravel when there is a still uncertain end in sight. I want to believe things are going to get better and I know deep down they have to but the task just seems impossible right now. And like it can be snatched away again so easily.

With the gorgeous weather this weekend I have ventured out on some lovely walks which would normally give me great joy at this time of year. I ended up just in tears for no reason and for every reason.

This last year has taken it’s toll physically and mentally and I truly feel I am not the same person I was. I am calling the Resilience Hub today after I missed a call from them last week. I doubt I will be able to put it into words though, because yes “on paper” all looks well and I feel guilty about that.

To all struggling ❤️

Sick to the back teeth of working from home. It’s utterly dismal and if I thought it was going to be permanent I’d find another job. I’m going to request to go into the office a day a week going forward, I really need a change of scenery.

We’ve not had a massive bust up or even discussed it but I’m pretty certain my marriage is over in the long term. Spending so much time together and having a child (in August) has exposed that we’re very different people and neither of us make the other happy. I suspect we’ll stay together until things have settled down (however, long that takes) and then go our separate ways.

Like the OP, I'm fortunate to not have been affected financially by this. I live in a decent size house with a garden and my own study. I'm a PhD student so my funding has been unaffected and as a social sciences student I can manage my research at home. I was given a funding extension to allow me to adapt my research and I'm doing lots of teaching online so money is fine. My two daughters are, amazingly, closer as a result of lockdown, get full time online lessons and are happy enough with home learning though keen to go back and missing their friends. My 13yo happier since she started meeting her best friend once a week for a walk.

But I'm still struggling mentally and emotionally. The littlest thing going wrong feels like a landslide. I feel like a swan, calm on the surface but frantically paddling underneath. I'm a single parent so everything is down to me. I feel trapped in my village and trapped being a mum, I'm hardly ever away from my kids and I feel like I'm losing myself. I've never really been anxious but developed health anxiety over lockdown. It was worst around Christmas but is getting better now. I have stress symptoms, not sleeping well, a twitch in my eye that comes and goes. Some days I feel positive, others I feel like this will never end.

Thanks for asking.

@Bigoldmachine

Struggling. I am by nature a home lover, a very positive person and a coper. All those things do apply, I’m coping, I’m just not very happy. The constant low level stress is getting to me. My jaw is all tensed up and my body just aches. I have no patience left. It’s getting harder and harder to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

This, pretty much. We have one DC left at home, she gets on well with us, I love DH, we have secure jobs and a lovely house and easy access to the countryside but... I'm sick of the sight of the other two in the house, tired of DH taking out his stress (work, boredom, frustration) on me, missing a DC who lives a long way away, worried about the DCs' employment security/ prospects, missing my social life (despite being an introvert and seeing people at work).

The last time I was this unhappy (feeling as if I could cry at any moment - though I do cry easily at the best of times) was the year after DM died, 30 years ago.

My normal cheerful Pollyanna-ish self was last seen just before Christmas, when we all realised one of the DC wasn't going to make it home.

I'm bored, unhappy, fed up, a bit anxious, tired of counting my (manifold) blessings and if one person says something about 'only being asked to stay at home' I will probably hit them.

Crap, actually, thank you for asking. Like so many, we are doing ok on paper but the pressure of being cooped up for so long is taking its toll.

I had an argument with DP, nothing massive, but it made me realise how alone I am right now. Everyone else seems so far away.

We have a 2yo in nursey and another coming soon. Normally I'd be exited about the maternity leave but right now it just feels like more time trapped at home while everyone else gets back to normal. Hopefully when the baby arrives I will feel differently - it isn't her fault after all.

Anybody else feeling worse since Roadmap was announced?
Yes. Firstly I don't want to let myself believe it in case it all goes tits up and secondly even if all goes to plan the end is still almost four months away.

AnyFucker yes I feel worse since the bloody roadmap. I don't really even know why.

I think a big factor is that when Christmas failed my family said we'd suck it up and be together at Easter instead and it felt realistic then. Now we still can't (well a meet up with one family at a time outdoors but not a big gathering for an Easter meal)

I think my overriding feeling is that I shouldn't get my hopes up as I've been disappointed so often before so I just have to plod on in this grey uncertainty. I want to book a summer holiday but I just can't bring myself to think about it. In my head it won't happen.

Also the one year anniversary of lockdown and thinking back to how life was before all this and how at the time I never imagined how bad it would be. DD is headed for 2 lockdown birthdays poor kid. I remember how last year I told her we'd make up for it this year