Should I see my partner (poly relationship) or not?

[HotButteronaBreakfastToast]

Inspired by a thread from another poster asking if she should see her partner who she doesn't live with. Pretty much everyone agreed it was OK for her to do this and I wondered what the feeling would be on my situation. I am happily married (DH) but also have another partner (DP). Everyone concerned knows and consents to this relationship if you are wondering. During official lockdowns DP and I have followed the rules and only met in a socially distanced way when this was allowed, but outside of lockdowns we have met as usual without social distancing. We're not eligible to form a bubble of any kind so seeing DP was against the rules, but if we'd followed the rules I would not have been able to have any close contact with DP, not even a hug, since last March, and I was not prepared to make that sacrifice.

What would people do going forward if this was your situation? Carry on social distancing during lockdowns or not? And generally, do you think partners who don't live together should be able to continue the relationship even if they're not eligible for a bubble?

Bumping in case anyone has any thoughts.

but also have another partner (DP).

Oh yes? Do spill.

To answer your question, I think it's unrealistic to expect people in relationships to not see each other for 18-months (or however long it's likely to be banned for.)

I guess with it being poly it could maximise the risk. But it depends on the situation. Does your DP have another partner/spouse etc. If so, you're bringing a wider number of people into it. If not, I suppose it's no different to people who live in different households seeing each other.

See or shag??

ParlezVousWronglais I know it's an unusual situation but it works for us! Except now, in lockdown, it's causing ongoing practical and ethical problems in that we want to follow government guidelines but also want to continue the relationship.

Downriver well, during lockdown we've simply seen one another as permitted outdoors for exercise. But what I'm asking is would people follow the guidelines to this extent with a sexual partner or would you continue to have physical contact with them?

Flowers we both live with other family members, who are aware of the situation so we can all weigh up risk etc. If one of us lived alone we could form a bubble but that isn't the case. Yes I agree it does increase risk and that's why we've stuck to lockdown rules up til this point. We have had physical contact in between lockdowns though. I suppose that seemed like a reasonable compromise but I'm unsure what is actually reasonable in our (admittedly unusual) situation.

I would pay good money to see you ask this question to Boris Johnson & Prof Whitty on the tv briefing questions

Brunt0n That would be quite entertaining I agree

There was for a time a rule which stated you could see a long term partner even if you didn't live together. They didn't specify how many long term partners you were allowed! But that rule has vanished now anyway, so by seeing one another in any other way than a socially distanced walk outside, we're breaking the rules, which I don't enjoy doing.

I don't think you should see your partner. As far as I understand, the main reason for allowing partners who don't live together to see each other is for mental health reasons - to spend time with another adult. You have that in your husband.
Does your partner live alone?

Where would you see each other? Inside one another’s homes?

I would want the agreement of the other partners that they were happy with the increased risk. It would also depend on what the other partners did for a living. Are they going out of the home or wfh? In a front line profession? Any other vulnerable adults who anyone has contact with?

I’d weigh all that up before making a decision.

Dumplings I do understand your point of view. Yes I am lucky to live with DH and have his company. DP is also married and lives with an adult sibling, so we are not isolated as I know some people are. So, you're saying you would pause the romantic relationship until corona is finished? Would you still see DP as a friend for walks and so on or would you agree not to see one another until all this is over?

MonsterKidz yes I agree there is a lot to weigh up. We absolutely do consult with our spouses before any decisions are made. Two of the adults work outside of the home but we are a fairly cautious bunch with regards to corona, and I believe on the lower end of the risk scale. Nobody has contact with anyone CV. But it still creates a chain of contact rather than two bubbles within our separate households.

Of course you can see the DP for walks - no you definitely can't shag them.

Where do you usually shag them anyway?

I’d do walks if you want to, but no more than that in your situation. I know that’s probably not what you want to hear; and I hope that this will start to be over soon given the progress with vaccinations, but I think the chains of contact are too long in this case for it to be sensible or excusable.

It’s your call, but you asked what we’d do... it’d be a max of walks for me right now.

Are you from a middle class background?

SendMeHome I did want to hear other people's thoughts so I respect your views and appreciate you explaining why you say that.

Lynette it depends on the circumstances of where other people are! So you would not consider any allowances made for people in long term relationships who don't live together? Or is it the fact that it's a poly relationship that makes the difference for you?

Rosehip An interesting question? Happy to answer if you'll explain why it's relevant?

Does your DH and your DP's partner have other partners too or is it just you in this situation? Just curious?

I'll probably get absolutely bombarded with hate for this but.. I can't see how meeting for walks is bad really, if you're open and transparent about where you have been and who you have seen you can determine those risks yourselves then I guess it's okay. I'm not suggesting both households having a party, just a walk. As the reality is, you could bump into each other at Tesco and it be okay, so an outdoor walk is surely not as high risk (if you can stay distanced of course).

There are people who have not seen beloved family members for months. I have been apart from my DP since March as he lives in another country. However, the decision can only be yours, based on your circumstances and who else they may be seeing. Could they be in a bubble with you and DH? Or you and DH be a bubble with DP and DP's primary partner? etc

justanothermamma
Thanks for your thoughts. We do meet outside for a socially distanced walk which is allowed within the rules where we live anyway, just DP and I. I was wondering what people thought about continuing a physical relationship, which we have done between lockdowns.

No, our spouses don't have other partners, so it's not a long chain of people in contact with each other. That would make it an easier decision in a way because it would be quite irresponsible to have multiple partners all having close contact.

I don't think framing it as being 'able to continue a relationship' or not helps, but I get somewhat why others do it that way. Many polyamorous groups have been debating this sort of thing round and round for nearly a year now...

It was kinda easier last March when most I know put polyamorous relationships much like the guidelines for all romantic relationships at the time: move in together or it's going to be essentially long-distance even if living nearby. I know people who live literally within a few streets of each other that chose the latter because of their own risk assessments largely to do with jobs and medical concerns. Their relationships are still continuing, it's just not in the way many people think of them - like many things in polyamory. With all the rule changes and general shifts in attitudes, the arguments have been all over.

I don't think being polyamorous grants any special exceptions. Many people have had to maintain at-distance/walking relationships with their loved ones they really want more with, but have to consider within the risks and rules. Loving multiple people romantically doesn't change anything in my mind over the many other ways to love multiple people.

Legally, no you can't obviously.

Morally,I think the big question is to whether you'd be a self contained bubble of 2 families. If so, it's a similar level of risk as if you were allowed to bubble. It's not 'right' but it's not as wrong if that makes sense.

But if any of the 4 of you have other relationships (so if your husband, or his wife have other lovers, or any of you have more than two) then it becomes a completely uncontained chain, and that would be really dangerous.

BrownFootStool I am sorry to hear of your situation. Do you mind me asking how you cope with being apart from DP? Do you usually see one another, outside of corona, quite often, or infrequently?

We can't form a bubble between the 4 of us within the official guidelines, no. But none of us have physical contact with anyone else, so I suppose the household mixing was contained to some extent when I have had contact with DP. It's not within the rules for us to do that, though.

I'm in your exact situation. Although I dont as such have a DP, but just a guy I am seeing. We saw each other between lockdowns and didnt socially distance. But I havent seen him in lockdown. It majorly sucks