Should I see my partner (poly relationship) or not?

[HotButteronaBreakfastToast]

Inspired by a thread from another poster asking if she should see her partner who she doesn't live with. Pretty much everyone agreed it was OK for her to do this and I wondered what the feeling would be on my situation. I am happily married (DH) but also have another partner (DP). Everyone concerned knows and consents to this relationship if you are wondering. During official lockdowns DP and I have followed the rules and only met in a socially distanced way when this was allowed, but outside of lockdowns we have met as usual without social distancing. We're not eligible to form a bubble of any kind so seeing DP was against the rules, but if we'd followed the rules I would not have been able to have any close contact with DP, not even a hug, since last March, and I was not prepared to make that sacrifice.

What would people do going forward if this was your situation? Carry on social distancing during lockdowns or not? And generally, do you think partners who don't live together should be able to continue the relationship even if they're not eligible for a bubble?

BiBabbles I understand what you're saying. Personally I love my friends very much and would like to hug them and visit them in their homes, but not being able to do so isn't a huge hardship for me. I understand it may be different for others. The rest of what you're saying does make sense and I understand why you say that being poly doesn't grant any special exceptions. I'm not up to speed with debate within poly groups as I am not a member of any, so it's interesting to hear your perspective, thank you.

Babyboomtastic I understand your point about the chain. It is an entirely contained bubble in our case, but not a legal one.

Heartofstrings I am sorry you are in the same situation. This lockdown seems as though it could go on for a long time and it makes it hard to deal with mentally, doesn't it? But I know many many people are in painful situations where they're apart from family and loved ones. I hope for all of us this eases soon.

This sounds difficult but hopefully it won't be much longer till the end of lockdown. I guess it's similar to people who are missing their family and loved ones, which is so many people. If you both have family support bubbles, then treat it as a long distance relationship for now and stay in contact online.

MistleTOE, thank you for the encouraging words. Would you think it was acceptable for us to have close contact between lockdowns, or not? It would be against guidelines to do so, but you could argue it is a less serious breach than close contact during lockdowns.

Doesn't really matter whether it's a happy poly relationship, one where somebody's having an affair or using paid for services; it's not possible to have safe sex at present and you are therefore putting the health of other people at risk, whether directly to spouses or indirectly by them leaving the home for work/shopping/whatever (and I would find a 'oh, they NEVER leave the house, it's part of our thing' somewhat unbelievable).

My mates who are part of the lifestyle have decided that, at present, the safety of others outweighs any emotional or physical desire for sexual contact with anyone other than their primaries because, as I've said, Safe Sex is an absolute impossibility where Covid is concerned.

NeverDrop thank you, that's clear and understandable. I appreciate your thoughts and the information about what other poly friends have decided to do.

Fair enough OP!

Did you consult with strangers on the Internet before making the decision to embark on a poly relationship? If not, why do you feel the need to ask now? You've already made your decision.

Just wondering why you’re so bothered about the rules all of a sudden. Or are you just seeking attention because you’re not getting any from your lover?

BritWife no I didn't consult with strangers on the internet before starting a relationship because I didn't have any lasting doubts about whether it was the right thing to do. It's not anybody else's business but mine and the other people involved.

I asked about this issue because I am unsure about it, am uncertain about the best thing to do and wanted to get other people's perspectives so I can consider it some more and see if I can come to a conclusion. Like 90% of the other posts on this forum, I guess. Your reply comes across as a little bit combative and I wondered what that was about? Seems like something I've said has irritated you but I'm not sure what it is or why.

@Roundles

I haven't seen my fiancee since September. I haven't seen any of my immediate family since Christmas 2019. Get over yourself you absolute twat.

Bit harsh. You’ve made a decision to live separately from your partner (and presumably both of you live with other people since you can’t bubble). How is that anyone else’s fault?

I'll be honest here and say that I find this question hard to answer because I don't understand why anyone would be ok with a poly relationship. That's not intended to be a judgement, just an acknowledgement that as I don't understand why someone would do it, it's hard to put myself in your shoes.

I do think there is a difference between a couple who live apart but would not have any romantic/sexual contact if they did not see each other, and a poly relationship where it would be additional romantic/sexual contact, if that makes sense. So, if your relationship with your DH is a romantic/sexual one, I would be inclined to say only socially distanced contact with your DP for now.

That said, I've been single through this whole thing with no romantic/sexual contact at all and I'm not bothered so we may be too different for my opinion to register much!

Sorry but no. You aren't socially isolated and you can't bubble.

The fact that you have a sexual relationship with this person doesn't make your need to see them a different level from anyone else's relationships with people outside their household I.e mum, sister friend etc. Either you form a household, which sounds unlikely, or you stay socially distanced.

I can understand why some people are finding the umming and ahhhing over this question irritating. Loads of people have relationships with people outside their household and it's quite clear that they cannot see them. I don't know why you'd think that this is anyway different just because you have a physical relationship with someone. It's pretty simple, not household, no reason to bubble so no getting up close.

I don’t see why you think it’s ok the break the rules because your relationship has a special label. I have no issues with ethical poly relationships, but it doesn’t mean you get an exemption from the rules. If I suddenly decide one of my friends who has a husband is suddenly my “partner”, does that mean I can see them?

I was not prepared to make that sacrifice.

Pretty much made your decision then, haven't you.