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Covid

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Original poster

Today I "attended" a Covid funeral.

70 replies

DioneTheDiabolist · 21/01/2021 21:33

I followed all restrictions and guidelines.

My friend's dad died of Covid. It was all quite sudden. The family is devastated and in shock. A couple of weeks ago, their dad was fine and today they buried him.

This was my first funeral since the pandemic and it was so strange. Everyone was socially distancing and most were double masked. People were respectful and careful. And it struck me, not only did this disease rob my friend of her father, it has robbed her of the traditions that bring comfort and help healing. No hugs. No gathering and sharing stories. No being looked after.

This is such a cruel fucking illness.

I hope that today was my last Covid funeral.

OP posts:

Abraxan · 22/01/2021 23:39

I've had 3 funerals since covid.

The first, my FIL, was in April when you could only have 10 people and no gathering afterwards. His friends locally stood o ]n the streets near their home to say their goodbyes.

Second was my nana, had covid but didn't die from it. I wasn't able to attend as it was still 10 people and it's a big family. It was also before the crematorium had set up live broadcast. I stood outside as the coffin arrived and saw my parents from a distance.

Theirs was the summer. My other nana, again another non covid death. 30 people this time. I went with mum mum and sister, 18y dd came locally and cared for my 7y nephew. We had lunch together - 6 of us. Probably shouldn't have but by then we'd mourned deaths apart too much.

2020 wasn't great for our family in this sense and the socially distanced restricted funerals were really difficult.

AnneElliott · 22/01/2021 23:46

So sorry op. I'll be going to the 4th one since the pandemic started. None of them Covid related but yes it robs you of the normal and expected rituals.

Shocked to hear that a council is threatening fines if people line the route! As long as they are 2m apart then what is the problem? It was something that brought comfort to my friend when her dad died lat year (that was Covid). Only 10 allowed at the funeral but a great comfort that so many turned out and lined the route.

Hohohole · 22/01/2021 23:54

I have to watch my Dads funeral online next week. It doesn't seem real.

RaspberryJones · 23/01/2021 08:37

My friend lost her dad to covid the other day. The family are utterly devastated, but they can't be together to support each other. They share horrific guilt over how he came to contract the virus. Anyone visiting the family, can only stand on the doorstep to offer condolences without being able to properly comfort them.
It's awful.

Longtalljosie · 23/01/2021 08:42

@Cloe78

My father's funeral was last week. I didn't get to say goodbye. I had to tell him I loved him over the phone but he was no longer conscious. I hope he could hear me; they say hearing is the last sense to go. We had to drive to the funeral in separate cars. Couldn't sit close to each other. Couldn't hug. The guy conducting the funeral was amazing and it was special but my Dad deserved a send off with all his friends there.

@Cloe78 - a few years back in intensive care my Dad was extremely sick and very likely to die - we were told he would no longer be able to hear us, he was in too deep a coma. When he did recover, he remembered what I had said to him. I believe your Dad heard you too.

movingonup20 · 23/01/2021 09:07

I've been to two, so hard. Actually I did hug my sil, sometimes you need to work out the least worst option and she needed it, whereas I hadn't been anywhere for weeks

Kenworthington · 23/01/2021 20:20

My dm passed away from Covid last week and on weds we will be having her funeral. It will just be me, dh abs the dc and one of Mums cousins . It’s in no way the send off she deserves. I am also sad about it

Original poster

DioneTheDiabolist · 23/01/2021 22:41

Death is always accompanied by pain, but we created traditions around it to comfort the pain. I am very sorry that Covid has robbed you of this.

What one thing would help, if you could have it?

OP posts:

InescapableDeath · 30/01/2021 19:03

I hope it's okay to post on an older thread. Has anyone been in a situation where you are invited to a funeral which you want to attend, but you know you will also be invited to a wake which you'd rather not go to (because of the amount of people/mixing).

My husband's family has had a horrible loss and in normal times we would be there no question. I'm a bit worried about driving a long way with the kids and then being asked to go to a wake, which I think will happen. The immediate bereaved family will ask and we would want to support them - but I just don't think it's ideal for a family of four to go along with at least two or three other households! But saying no will sound horrible considering, like we don't care. Argh it's so difficult. I've been extremely cautious about the virus (though not CV, I'm just scared of it), whereas I know none of them think it's a big deal, and obviously they have other things on their mind at the moment.

Just have this fear they'll say 'Oh Inescapable, how can you be so callous as not to support us? The police won't care once they know what it's for'

wonkylegs · 30/01/2021 19:08

We had a family funeral in November and it was such a weird experience. We all went and had a takeaway coffee from the local supermarket afterwards as it was in tier 4 there was nowhere we could go, and we'd all travelled quite far to be there and it didn't seem right to just turn round and go back without at least 5mins of talking to each other (socially distanced and masked)

JanuaryChill · 30/01/2021 22:16

Would the wake be in their house? It's completely against the law, could you use that? I must admit I don't understand why the guidance says you can have 6 at a wake when there's nowhere you could have the wake but outside.... in January!

Unsure33 · 30/01/2021 23:06

My aunt and uncle died of covid in April within 7 days of each other and I had to arrange a joint funeral for 8 people attending . It was meaningful but so hard . Then we had my Fil with 20 people and had to stand in a car park together afterwards .

It’s just awful .

So sad . And 🤗 to all of you .

Original poster

DioneTheDiabolist · 31/01/2021 02:16

In your situation it might be better for your DH to go alone @InescapableDeath.

OP posts:

Neenan · 31/01/2021 06:33

@DioneTheDiabolist

I followed all restrictions and guidelines.

My friend's dad died of Covid. It was all quite sudden. The family is devastated and in shock. A couple of weeks ago, their dad was fine and today they buried him.

This is such a cruel fucking illness.

I hope that today was my last Covid funeral.

I’ve got exactly this next week for my DDad.Died quickly after catching it in a care home.

We’ve been waiting a month for the funeral and I know exactly what to expect. Never said goodbye to him, never held his hand when he died, live with guilt that he died because we put him in respite care as mum couldn’t cope.

trappedsincesundaymorn · 31/01/2021 07:14

Mum died march 31st of covid. There were 3 people at her funeral dad, my sister and me. Our youngest sister watched it over skype as she lives in Aus and could not get back. It was right at the start of lockdown and we had no cars, could not see my mum at the chapel of rest and she was cremated in her hospital gown. Dad was heartbroken at having to give mum what he described as "nothing more than a paupers send off".

Seven months later we were there again, this time for dad as he died 7 weeks after being diagnosed with the cancer that killed him. This time it was different. We were allowed up to 24 people in the crem, so at least his GC could be there, along with his siblings and their adult DC. We had a car, we could dress dad (he looked quite dapper in his trousers, shirt, blazer and hat), the service was held over Zoom, so others could "attend". My youngest sister was also there as she was given leave to travel by the Australian Government on compassionate grounds

Although both funerals were not what my lovely parents deserved dads, at least, was more "real".

JanuaryChill · 31/01/2021 12:44

Sorry for your losses @trappedsincesundaymorn, but really good to hear of the progress between the two services.

InescapableDeath · 02/02/2021 19:54

@DioneTheDiabolist

In your situation it might be better for your DH to go alone *@InescapableDeath*.

That's what we're going to suggest it.

I think it's grief talking, but we've been given a date today and it's been suggested we all go but as children aren't going to the ceremony, perhaps I could look after all the guests' children in a room somewhere - from four or five different households, age 2-10.

And yes they are planning on doing a multiple household wake too.

In normal times I'd be right there but now? Sigh.

Original poster

DioneTheDiabolist · 06/02/2021 18:47

How did you get on @InescapableDeath?

OP posts:

peak2021 · 06/02/2021 21:31

OP sorry to read of your bereavement and of others who have contributed to this thread. There have been three funerals I would have attended had it not been for Covid 19, two of people I have known for over 50 years, but not close relatives.

InescapableDeath · 07/02/2021 12:18

@dionethediabolist thanks for asking. It turns out it was my in-laws doing a lot of meddling. They hadn't even asked my bereaved SIL what she wanted to do. It turns out she doesn't want a wake thankfully and has already asked her friend to babysit her son (so just one child, not multiple). My DH will go on his own and I'm sure he will have to visit my SIL's house and my PIL's house but I think we've minimised risks as much as we can beyond that. I'd rather he stuck to the law and only went to the funeral but he wants to support his sister and I think many would too so I have to let him judge that.

Death does funny things to families at the best of times. There's been more drama this week because my FIL has written a poem that he wants read out at the service and he's massively offended that my SIL hasn't read it yet. Sigh. Now my husband has read it on her behalf (yes, it's awful) and has agreed to read it out at the service. One more funeral crisis averted.

But wait there's another! A family friend has created a justgiving to pay for the funeral costs and PIL think it's sinful/begging and are also having a go at SIL about that (although she didn't organise it).

I am hoping everyone begins to heal once the funeral is out the way...

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