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Original poster

Today I "attended" a Covid funeral.

70 replies

DioneTheDiabolist · 21/01/2021 21:33

I followed all restrictions and guidelines.

My friend's dad died of Covid. It was all quite sudden. The family is devastated and in shock. A couple of weeks ago, their dad was fine and today they buried him.Sad

This was my first funeral since the pandemic and it was so strange. Everyone was socially distancing and most were double masked. People were respectful and careful.Flowers And it struck me, not only did this disease rob my friend of her father, it has robbed her of the traditions that bring comfort and help healing. No hugs. No gathering and sharing stories. No being looked after.

This is such a cruel fucking illness.AngrySadAngry

I hope that today was my last Covid funeral.

OP posts:
HazeyJaneII · 21/01/2021 23:01

I'm so sorry to everyone who has lost someone Flowers
At the beginning of March last year, I went to the funeral of a friend who died of cancer. The Chapel was packed, old friends, family, a big wake afterwards...a happy, sad beautiful day.
In July I went to the funeral of my mum, one of the most sociable people ever, she had so many friends and yet, due to circumstances the funeral was just me and the funeral director. It was not as it should be.

BackforGood · 21/01/2021 23:02

At the start of this I was talking to families about having a memorial service in church “when we can”. But to be honest, so much time has passed I don’t think most of them will want to.

This is true. I remember a couple of funerals in March that I would have attended in normal times if they'd been on a day I could have got out of work (people I knew through a hobby) and everyone said how we would hold some sort of memorial "later in the year". this was when we were expecting things to "be back to normal in the Autumn". I can't really see people wanting to have memorials, second services, or even wakes 18 months - two years on from the time the person died. Sad

TheGreatWave · 21/01/2021 23:33

Such a sad situation.

A colleague passed away last year (cancer) The service was live streamed but I didn't join, I just felt that I was just on the outside looking in, funerals are about supporting each other, something that cannot happen when everyone is individually watching the service.

Original poster
DioneTheDiabolist · 22/01/2021 01:47

At the start of this I was talking to families about having a memorial service in church “when we can”. But to be honest, so much time has passed I don’t think most of them will want to.

I hope that they do though.

OP posts:
Dinosauratemydaffodils · 22/01/2021 01:57

I can't really see people wanting to have memorials, second services, or even wakes 18 months - two years on from the time the person died.

We intend to. My grandmother had her funeral planned for decades (she was 98 when she died) and it was going to be over the top like her. My mum and uncles are determined she's going to get what she wanted, just later than we had hoped. We're very spread as a family though so everyone only really gets together for weddings, christenings and funerals.

lightand · 22/01/2021 08:01

I am going to attend a covid funeral for the first time on Monday. Reading this thread to mentally prepare myself. There wont be a problem with social distancing, as the lady was elderly, little family, and some people that would have gone are either ill through the winter, or dont want to chance getting covid.

I would have gone to two more funerals during last year, but I was in the friends category, and ill myself, so would have had to stand outdoors, and that would have been too much.
Agree with @PuzzledObserver, in that I am no longer sure that there will be memorial services, the longer the whole situation carries on.

Lifeispassingby · 22/01/2021 08:14

Just because time will have passed since they died, doesn’t make these people less worthy of a celebration of life/final farewell etc. We had FIL funeral on Christmas Eve be and we have plans to get the family together properly when we can- and we will, even if that ends up being a year or more down the line. FIL deserves that regardless of when it can happen

Fembot123 · 22/01/2021 08:18

I had to go to my cousins and he was 36, we hugged each other and I make zero apologies for that.

mdh2020 · 22/01/2021 08:33

We attended a funeral back in September. A couple of days later there was a Memorial held on Zoom. 82 of us from across the globe shared our stories of our friend. It was a lovely occasion giving us the opportunity to hear far more about our friend that we would have learnt had there been a wake.

PuzzledObserver · 22/01/2021 09:21

It’s not about whether the people are worthy, it’s about whether the family and others feel the need. I will offer it - they can accept or decline. Some will want to have a social gathering but not a church service, and that’s fine.

Also, the numbers have been racking up. I was originally thinking separate service for each person, but to be honest that would not be feasible now.

I also run an open memorial event once a year (not a service as such) open to anyone. If that is able to happen as planned in May, I think there could be a large turnout this year.

Original poster
DioneTheDiabolist · 22/01/2021 12:51

Be prepared to not recognise anyone @lightand. Masks and lack of hairdressing means that people all look the same.

OP posts:
Aurorie11 · 22/01/2021 12:56

Yes its rubbish. I attended 3 Covid funerals in just over 3 months including my Mum's. One of those I attended I stood outside as took my Dad to his oldest friend's funeral, for both that funeral and Mum's only 10 people allowed. No hugging, no wakes. With Mum's all done and back home in just over 30 minutes.
Sorry for your loss xx

redistributingU · 22/01/2021 12:59

I am sorry for everyone’s losses it sounds so difficult. I’m reading this though and realising how different my family are we don’t have/go to funerals so it seems ‘odd’ if that’s the right word

lightand · 22/01/2021 13:00

Hadnt thought of that Dione.

JanuaryChill · 22/01/2021 13:06

@PuzzledObserver do you think memorial services when combined with interment of ashes (obvs only possible if the deceased has been cremated!) will be a thing?

Am organising a close relative's funeral at present and it's so difficult.

PuzzledObserver · 22/01/2021 14:07

@JanuaryChill I hadn’t thought of that, although it would make sense.

In my experience it’s not common to involve a minister in the internment of ashes, most families seem to just do their own thing

julie81 · 22/01/2021 14:12

So sad aren't they. I watched my cousin's funeral on zoom yesterday morning who sadly died of cancer on New Year's Day. Was heartbreaking, only 8 households so actually only fourteen could go not 30. Due to flooding they had to postpone the burial until cemetery in a better state.

JanuaryChill · 22/01/2021 18:02

If ashes being interred in a churchyard then I thought having a minister was quite common?

LynetteScavo · 22/01/2021 18:16

I attended a live steamed funeral and I felt guilty, as though I was watching other people's grief without being able to show support to relatives. Many people stood along the road outside the crematorium, and I wish I'd been able to do that instead.

BackforGood · 22/01/2021 18:34

That's lovely @Dinosauratemydaffodils I hope you manage it.

I was thinking more all the people that would usually attend a funeral (ex colleagues, friends from hobbies , groups, clubs and things you belong to) - for example, The President of something I belong to died last year. I wasn't particularly close to him on a personal level, but I would have gone to the funeral (work allowing) to give thanks for his life and acknowledge all he has given to / done for the organisation. I admired the man and the thousands of hours of volunteering he had done over decades. Of course, back in March, we all thought we would be able to hold a memorial service in the Autumn. However, since then, of course others have sadly died too. We still aren't going to be able to have 150 people together in a Church for a long long time yet, and I just don't think people will be able to be booking time off for multiple memorial services when the time comes.

I think family getting together will be lovely.

I expect many families will be getting together when they can - regardless of bereavement or not - most just because they have missed seeing each other.

That sounds great @mdh2020

@Lifeispassingby No-one is saying that anyone's life is less worthy.

Also, the numbers have been racking up. I was originally thinking separate service for each person, but to be honest that would not be feasible now.

Sadly, this ^

Ladybird69 · 22/01/2021 18:44

Sorry for all your loses. My mum passed away in Oct after months of ill health and I wasn’t allowed to go and see her until she was receiving end of life care. Its beyond cruel. Then trying to come to terms with grief when we can’t hold a proper funeral we can’t hold and support each other. I know that this virus is deadly but I fear that what it’s doing to our mental health is going to be an ongoing issue for years. I will never have those final few months with my mum and I will have to live with knowing that she was alone when she needed me most. It breaks my heart and always will til the day I die. When I remember past bereavements the love and warmth. Everyone supporting each other and being there for each other from diagnosis to death and beyond. We’re just getting it at this point in time, totally heartbreaking.

Ladybird69 · 22/01/2021 18:57

@PuzzledObserver and @JanuaryChill. For internment of ashes you have to have minister or crematorium official there. But for scattering of ashes you can can do things yourself. We are scattering mums ashes and hopefully we will have a memorial service at the same time.

PuzzledObserver · 22/01/2021 19:30

So in my career I have done about 200 funerals, probably 75% of them cremations. I’ve only been asked to officiate at internment or scattering of ashes about four times.

I think most families scatter ashes unofficially somewhere that meant something to the deceased.

KinkyDoritowithsparkleson · 22/01/2021 21:05

My DH's last Friday. I was allowed to sit with DS and DD, rest of my family were sat in their bubbles. My FIL is vulnerable so couldn't attend the funeral for his son. It was surreal. Crying through a mask, not allowed to hug anyone. A distant goodbye outside the building in the cold.

13 people. No wake. A 20 minute limit on the service.

The service was still beautiful, I just intend - as many people I know who have lost people - to have a wake later.

Bastard Covid. Bastard brain cancer. His entire journey was blighted by the pandemic. My lowest moment was when he collapsed in the night having very suddenly lost the use of his left side and I wasn't allowed to go to A&E with him even though he was so scared. He fell there and was on the floor for 20 minutes all alone. I still have nightmares about this.

Original poster
DioneTheDiabolist · 22/01/2021 23:30

My deepest sympathy to everyone of you. I hope you find the comfort and strength that you need.SadFlowersSad

OP posts: