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Anyone else sharing home school with a Disney parent

33 replies

HotCupOfNo · 15/01/2021 09:10

First lockdown I did all homeschool.

This time sharing it 50/50 with ex, which I thought would be absolutely wonderful and give me a much needed break. However it turns out that when my 9 year old doesn't want to work at his other parents he doesn't have to, and so I am now the worst person in the world as I am setting boundaries.

We've got full blown tears, shouting, insistence from
him that he's allowed to watch tv all day because he's 'tired'. I started off homeschool last week and it was fine, he was fab. Now he's a monster.

Relationship with ex is already dreadful and we are low contact. I don't know how this is going to work. Help!

OP posts:
Janus · 15/01/2021 09:19

That’s a nightmare! How old is your child? I think age is a big factor here (having 4 from 9 to 20!). Only my 9 year old needs me to check, the others just get on with it, more or less! If my 12 year old wasn’t doing her school work I would get an email from school.
So if primary I would suggest - say the school have contacted you about lack of work so you need to do as much as possible in this house to make up for the lack of work in the other house?
If secondary age I’d say the same as above but leave it to them to take the consequences??
Must be so hard, I don’t know the term Disney parent but to me it’s just lazy parenting as they don’t want to support or put the effort in. That’s rubbish for you, you have my sympathies.

Janus · 15/01/2021 09:23

Sorry I’ve just seen you did out the age!!
I have a 9 year old too and it’s so much work! I sit for a big chunk of the day in the kitchen with him, he needs constant support to get on with it all else he would slip off somewhere!!
I’d go along the lines I said and also have a word with the school to say why some days there’s little or no work.
I also concentrate on the more key subjects, so we always do maths, English and spellings but don’t do all the others. We’ve had Viking art this week which didn’t interest him at all so we’ve left it. Same with the Joe Wicks they’ve been set, we just go for a walk instead! Have to let some things go else we’d be arguing all day too!

MotherExtraordinaire · 15/01/2021 09:54

I think that I would probably turn around and say that as he is opting out of educating his son, that he doesn't have the additional contact.

Or contact the school and state he won't facilitate the education. Schools are being "assessed" by their pupil engagement levels....

Or you just have to fight the battle. Or only have your son at the beginning of the week, so you're not as affected by this at the end of the week?

Jrobhatch29 · 15/01/2021 10:01

I think that I would probably turn around and say that as he is opting out of educating his son, that he doesn't have the additional contact.*

This

HotCupOfNo · 15/01/2021 10:20

@janus ahh is yours year 4 or 5? Year 4 here, and gosh it's different to year 3 isn't it. Everything is much more intense.

I am tempted to email his form tutor as there is zero work from Monday, but I don't want it to look like I'm trying to get them involved in mine and ex's shit, iyswim. Basically not sure how to say my ex is a lax twat of a parent without saying it.

@MotherExtraordinaire I am seething that I have been tricked into more contact time. Handovers are DREADFUL and he is often late or not there, and it's so stressful as it is. I will be saying no more time with our son if things don't change, I'd much rather do all the homeschooling than whatever this is - which is a load of shit and I'm just the bad guy like usual.

OP posts:
HotCupOfNo · 15/01/2021 10:21

Also, son has told me that on Monday when he didn't do anything, his other parent was 'on the phone all day' and trying to find people (his mum and sister) to help with home schooling as he was so busy

OP posts:
notanothernamechange766 · 15/01/2021 10:23

I have no advice for you. But you have my huge sympathy's. I am in the same situation. It's like banging my head against a brick wall

MotherExtraordinaire · 15/01/2021 10:25

@HotCupOfNo

Also, son has told me that on Monday when he didn't do anything, his other parent was 'on the phone all day' and trying to find people (his mum and sister) to help with home schooling as he was so busy
Is your ex working from home or engaged in social calls?

If you feel tricked into additional contaxt be wary that this sets a precedent for moving forward and could be simply a move to be able to reduce maintenance payments.

AlwaysLatte · 15/01/2021 10:26

Oh dear! I wouldn't let on to your child that sometimes no work is set - use it as an opportunity to catch up on anything missed the previous day. We have a Y6 who has inattentive ADHD and although he's bright it's really hit and miss whether he will keep his focus. We do find that proper bedtime routines, no late nights on a school night etc, help. And as a carrot we tell him that after his school work is finished, his time is his own to watch TV, play video games or whatever (apart from lunchtime when we always let him watch The Simpsons while he has his lunch). This usually works, as he tries to get through it - although one day this week he just couldn't get his mojo going and he finished much later than he would have done if he'd been at school.
Also we find that if they get a good walk in the afternoon (very muddy at the moment, I know!) they sleep better.

Janus · 15/01/2021 10:29

Mine is year 5, so much work this tune, I could honestly have him sat from 9-3 doing work all that time but it’s a bit of a battle. I don’t think schools are expecting you to do it all but a good effort is enough in my opinion.
I guess you could offer that he only has your son at the weekend but then that gets rid of any effort he has to make so I’m not sure that is the way to go either.
I really feel for you.

HotCupOfNo · 15/01/2021 19:39

Oh @MotherExtraordinaire ex doesn't pay maintenance. He is living on benefits and I just can't face going to the cms. Things are hard enough between us as it is.

OP posts:
HotCupOfNo · 15/01/2021 19:41

Thanks @AlwaysLatte, he always has work set through school though? I actually have adhd myself and it's a real struggle. Great tip on the walk, we went for a bit cycle today and his mood improved so much

OP posts:
HotCupOfNo · 15/01/2021 19:42

@MotherExtraordinaire to answer your other question I just don't know - he doesn't work as far as I know, but as I said comms are minimal so I have no idea

OP posts:
HotCupOfNo · 15/01/2021 19:45

Thanks a lot @Janus. The weekends are our only downtime and I think it would feel even more unfair to lose those. Something I'm also struggling with is how do I talk to my son about this, I don't want to say your dad is an utter bellend and it's wrong that you aren't doing school when you're with him but I also don't want him to think I am the bellend 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
sharonJJ55 · 15/01/2021 19:59

I hear you! My ex had a similar routine of just letting them watch tv. So this time I haven't asked for any help of him (and he hasn't offered...nice!). The three of us are doing just fine without his useless parenting

Casade · 15/01/2021 20:00

I am in the same position as you whereby ex has said he can’t support but we are both working! I’ve just changed his contact days so my ds is at home everyday ready to learn and I take the lead. I have patience and understand my sons struggles in certain areas. I’m not doing it for him - I’m doing it for my ds!

PhoenixIsFlying · 15/01/2021 20:22

I am on my own with my 11 year old who has asd. My father died after Christmas and I have been supporting my Mum (in my bubble) and making arrangements. I have got behind with homeschooling. I am on the ECV list yet school rang me today saying they wanted my daughter to attend school on Monday despite the fact I am shielding as she is behind with her work. I feel so upset xx

ktp100 · 15/01/2021 20:27

I think I'd speak to the school, explain what's happening and ask them to email you stating that you need to feedback work achieved daily, that way you can show your ex and if he still doesn't encourage work to happen you can stop contact over the period. I'm sure at 9 the teacher would b happy to speak to your child direct, on either phone or via teams etc to explain that their work really must be completed.

You just need to be honest, OP. The school are their to help, not judge, and they also have a vested interest in your child achieving to the best of their ability.

NoOneOwnsTheRainbow · 15/01/2021 20:47

I used to work as an intervention teacher with the really stuck kids who were excluded from their classes for not working/not behaving/disrupting other kids, but who weren't expelled. A lot of them had SEN and some also had English as an additional language. Take these as suggestions and ideas, they may or may not work for you. For you as the adult, it's about getting them to not stress over work as this can snowball quickly into a huge barrier to learning.

When I have kids who won't work in the classroom (and now, as a home tutor), I break the work into little chunks. 10 minutes of this. A juice break. 15 minutes of that. A wiggle break. 10 minutes of the other. A Zumba break. I try and make the activities fun and if that means not doing what was set/planned, as long as he's learning the same thing I wouldn't have any issue with that (depends if the class teacher expects every piece of work to be done).

Give him some control without actually giving him a choice about doing work. "Do you want to do your art project or your maths next?" could work, or if that leaves him never doing one thing, "these are the tasks we need to do today, let's plan what order to do them in." Then he is taking part in planning his day. This also works with ASD/ADHD kids (I have ADHD and this helps me too).

Let him choose where he works within reason, so he might want to sit on the floor for one task and at the table for another. Just moving around where each task is done can help him engage.

Don't stand over him waiting for him to start (I know, it's hard when you want to know if he's doing the work or not). Give him a piece of work to do, and then walk away, spend a couple of minutes putting stuff away or something.

When he's absolutely not engaging, turn the work into something he likes, e.g. Lego. Maths? Model it by counting Lego blocks. English? Practice spellings by making the words out of Lego. Science? Lego diagrams. If he likes using the computer, let him do some of the work on the computer e.g. in MS Paint or in a Word document. Take what he's interested in and use that to get him learning. You don't even need to tell him he's doing home learning although he'll probably cotton on.

But don't cave and let him do whatever. As soon as you do, he knows he just has to push until you give in. If you think he's mature enough, maybe a talk about careers, what jobs might interest him, and then explain how his schoolwork is relevant. Maybe find out who his idols are and explore what qualifications they got before they got well known. A lot of YouTubers, singers, etc are surprisingly well-educated (not all).

NoOneOwnsTheRainbow · 15/01/2021 20:49

(that way by talking about careers he can see for himself that dad hasn't got one and maybe make the connection that it might be why dad doesn't care about homeschooling)

pken · 15/01/2021 20:56

This reply has been deleted

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cantkeepawayforever · 15/01/2021 21:11

As a teacher, I would say contact the school, and let them know 'Just to let you know, on x days, DS is with me, and I'm the right contact about any home schooling tasks for those days. On y days, he is with his other parent, and they are the contact for home schooling on those days.'

In the last lockdown, and again this time, I have a record of what children do, and it's easy to see patterns, one of which is often where the child is. (It's the same in school, as it's easy to see patterns in e.g. whether they have homework, reading diary, packed lunch etc depending on the day) If you let them know in advance that there's a pattern to look out for, then the school is likely to put 2 and 2 together pretty rapidly, and given the much greater focus on progress and curriculum this time round, is quite likely to follow up missing work quite actively with the relevant parent.

Make it the school's problem, not yours or your child's though - do what you can on your days, communicate with the school clearly, and leave it to them.

HotCupOfNo · 16/01/2021 08:04

@sharonJJ55 eurgh!!!

@Casade in some ways my son and ex are very similar, so I am often bad cop. My ex has zero boundaries.

@PhoenixIsFlying that is heartbreaking, are you able to get a family member to help home schooling? My mum helps out one day a week via zoom whilst I work. It's really good for both of them

@NoOneOwnsTheRainbow this is fab thanks so much - also got adhd 🙋🏻‍♀️

@cantkeepawayforever we had an email from the school last night to say that his form tutor will be contacting student with any significant missing work - there is quite literally nothing for Monday and barely anything for Tuesday so I'd imagine my son will get an email about that, and this should galvanise him. I've also started to do a daily update with a sentence about how he's got on and where we've left off so that there's a sort of work handover. I will email the teacher as well, thanks a lot

OP posts:
MRex · 16/01/2021 08:12

You may both find it easier if you exercise before starting the schoolwork: msutoday.msu.edu/news/2014/exercise-before-school-may-reduce-adhd-symptoms-in-kids/.

MRex · 16/01/2021 08:13

Sorry your ex is useless. Focus on what you can do, and try to ignore the gaps when he parents.

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