So be so utterly fed up now

[youcanthandlethetruth]

Aside from all of the awful things last year brought (of which I’ve had my share) I am so bored and fed up now.

I’ve walked a thousand times, spent time with the dog, been working, baked, read new books, watched Netflix, started a new instrument but I am now just so, so fed up.

Feeling very down. Anyone else?

I am so fatigued now, I feel anxious and depressed

I’m done. Just ducking done. I can’t bear the thought of waking up tomorrow and sitting at my dining room table infront of my computer whilst trying to get DS to engage in homeschooling. Wake me up when it’s all over..

I am. I feel so low, like there’s nothing to look forward to. All people seem to care about is Covid and sod everyone else, and if you dare say anything otherwise you’re dismissed as selfish and the worst kind of human ever to walk the earth.

My husband collapsed out of the blue in August and was diagnosed with a brain tumour. We have had to deal with that all alone but all anyone cares about is Covid. I couldn’t visit him - they wouldn’t even let me go in and settle him in the ward before surgery even though we had both already had Covid months before (he’s a keyworker), I had isolated (extremely strictly) with him before his surgery, and he tested negative before being admitted (I wanted a test too but they said no). The steroids he was on before surgery made him a different person, he had no idea which way was up and he didn’t understand why I was abandoning him there. He had a successful surgery thank god and has an MRI to check for regrowth next week, he’s so nervous but - again - I can’t go and support him. Then my wonderful dog who looked after me so well through all this collapsed his week and HE had to go in for an MRI of HIS brain as well, turns out he has some form of Labrador epilepsy. All I do is wake up, go for a walk or a run in the same places, work, stare at the same four walls, work, watch TV and go to bed just to do it all again. I don’t know why I feel so despondent when obviously I am beyond relieved that my husband didn’t die. I know we are lucky to have a roof over our heads and that I still have my job. But I feel so isolated, and completely and utterly emotionally exhausted by it all. If I do say anything to anyone I get “it could be worse” and “but he’s better now, that’s amazing right?!” and YES both these things are true and I am beyond grateful but more than one thing can be true at the same time. I can be grateful and relieved and also full of grief for my old life before brain tumours and lockdowns and an awareness of how sanctimonious and nasty other people can be.

Chimboo.

Oh darling, just love. So, so sorry.

I've stopped allowing myself to remember how nice my old life used to be. It's too depressing to remember it. I'm shutting out the memories and the news.

I’ve had Covid twice at work and now am being sent into a home with a raging outbreak to “help”. Boss said to be very careful and work in the office with a window open. Yeah thanks for that. No vaccine yet.
I’m interested to see if I can get it a 3rd time as it’s 3 months since my last positive I can now be tested again!
But I have to admit I am feeling the dread at going in.

@Chimboo sending lots of love
I am a nurse in oncology and your feelings are absolutely valid and it does not make you a bad person. In non covid times you need to grieve during a diagnosis it is entirely normal. Covid makes that impossible to do in the way you normally would and it is ok to be completely upset/angry about that. The world has lost some of its humanity in covid and that makes me sad. Do what you need one day at a time x

Oh @Chrimboo

My Facebook memories are a complete pisstake. Every day there's a trip or a gig or even just a bus ride to the next town for a bit of shopping that I was doing X amount of years ago. Also I had my Google maps timeline for 2020 sent to me yesterday - from March onwards I went to precisely 3 supermarkets on rotation and our local high street and that's it, apart from a walk into town one day last summer when infection rates were incredibly low (we went several weeks with no infections at all near me).

Like @herethereandeverywhere I'm trying to shut out memories of life before - for a while last year I obsessed over it, looking at photos and diaries and looking forward to when it would be like that again. I honestly believed that by now it would be. Now I feel like it's neverending and I don't want to be reminded of even the things I thought were arse achingly dull before, like blithely hopping on a bus to do my food shopping whenever I fancied rather than dragging it home in a shopping trolley three times a week in all weathers.

I feel the same but have applied to volunteer at my local hospital which I am really looking forward to (assuming I get the job). I work from home part time and am helping the kids with homeschooling so it will have to be evenings and weekends. I want to feel useful and, if I'm honest, get out of the house!

@MerciSeat oh god Google memories, yes they can fuck right off "look how much fun you were having two years ago!!!!" NO!

Yeah, its starting to bite here as well. The days seems very long and difficult to fill. I'm lucky that I have DH and two teenagers for company, we all get on well, but it's claustrophobic with all four of us in the same space, both boys doing online lessons downstairs etc. I can't seem to get enough headspace or motivation to do anything really fulfilling, I'm just marking time and I can feel depression threatening at the edges. My beloved auntie died on Christmas Day and I can't go to her funeral, I haven't seen my dad in almost a year. It sucks

@Buttercupcup thank you x

So sorry to read so many of you are struggling. I'm so flipping done with all of this. I'm constantly on the edge of tears and dread waking up in the morning. Got DS 5 at home and trying to get him to do one jot of school work is a joke. Meanwhile I'm in over my head at work with a manager on gardening leave and no plans to replace him, no practical support to manage the dual pressure of working full timem and parenting. My dad died at the beginning of the pandemic and I've put my grief on hold because I don't have the time to deal with it. Our school has been shut since since late November with an outbreak, then we got it including my mum who was very unwell over Xmas. Hearing nurseries might close just adds to the pain as we've got DD (2) who has just gone back and is full on.

So so so fucking fed up.

Trigger warning - I’m getting concerned by how my moods go up and down but they go so low. So so low. Sometimes I feel like ‘there’s only one way out of this...’ but I can get back from that feeling. But I’m getting worried by how low I go.

@ComDummings

Trigger warning - I’m getting concerned by how my moods go up and down but they go so low. So so low. Sometimes I feel like ‘there’s only one way out of this...’ but I can get back from that feeling. But I’m getting worried by how low I go.

Me too. I've never admitted this anywhere else but yes, I've had those thoughts too. And they're coming more and more often.

@MerciSeat and @ComDummings - me too, not that I’ve admitted that to anyone.

@ComDummings & @MerciSeat me too! I told DH yesterday that the best way out of it was for me to take a load of pills and he could claim my death in service.
At least that way he'd be mortgage free, he'd be able to have help with childcare/see his family and I would be feeling so depressed.
I don't see a way out of these dark thoughts right now. The way it's going my work is suffering and I'll probably get fired for doing a poor job when nursery's shut so might as well get something out of it whilst I can.
There is no end in sight, just months and months of shit

Feels like we are being punished for being naughty children now
Of wanksock takes more freedoms away at 5 tonight
That’s it
I’m done
No more

I’m so sorry to see others of you are feeling similar. I think in those low moments we must focus on riding it out. That tiny glimmer of sunlight at the top of the dark depression hole...keep looking for it. I don’t know if I should contact GP about anti depressants or not, one one hand I feel like those thoughts are kind of rational now, all the joy has been sucked out of life really. On the other maybe they’ll help.
Anyway this situation is relentless and we’ve all already shown our resilience, even though it’s tiring, it’s dark and seems never ending we need to fight on, perhaps by getting medication or confiding in others. It sounds so dumb but I think of when Anna says in Frozen 2 ‘do the next right thing,’ that’s what I keep doing.

@Chimboo

I am. I feel so low, like there’s nothing to look forward to. All people seem to care about is Covid and sod everyone else, and if you dare say anything otherwise you’re dismissed as selfish and the worst kind of human ever to walk the earth.

My husband collapsed out of the blue in August and was diagnosed with a brain tumour. We have had to deal with that all alone but all anyone cares about is Covid. I couldn’t visit him - they wouldn’t even let me go in and settle him in the ward before surgery even though we had both already had Covid months before (he’s a keyworker), I had isolated (extremely strictly) with him before his surgery, and he tested negative before being admitted (I wanted a test too but they said no). The steroids he was on before surgery made him a different person, he had no idea which way was up and he didn’t understand why I was abandoning him there. He had a successful surgery thank god and has an MRI to check for regrowth next week, he’s so nervous but - again - I can’t go and support him. Then my wonderful dog who looked after me so well through all this collapsed his week and HE had to go in for an MRI of HIS brain as well, turns out he has some form of Labrador epilepsy. All I do is wake up, go for a walk or a run in the same places, work, stare at the same four walls, work, watch TV and go to bed just to do it all again. I don’t know why I feel so despondent when obviously I am beyond relieved that my husband didn’t die. I know we are lucky to have a roof over our heads and that I still have my job. But I feel so isolated, and completely and utterly emotionally exhausted by it all. If I do say anything to anyone I get “it could be worse” and “but he’s better now, that’s amazing right?!” and YES both these things are true and I am beyond grateful but more than one thing can be true at the same time. I can be grateful and relieved and also full of grief for my old life before brain tumours and lockdowns and an awareness of how sanctimonious and nasty other people can be.

I’ve no words I’m just so sorry that you’ve had to go through this without being your husbands support.

None of us signed up for this.
We are just being punished now

@fucknuckle is that the actual Kids From Fame? You might have just made my lockdown a bit more bearable if so.

You need to find things to do.

So something good on tv. For example we watched the English patient last night, it’s excellent snd I’ve not seen it for years. Tonight we will watch the reader. At the weekend we binge watched the circle USA, which is surprisingly addictive. Plan games. We have played Monopoly, cluedo, cards, chess, dominoes. Do a zoom quiz with family or friends. We had our first last Friday and got all showered and ready for it.

You need to plan to entertain yourself differently than you did before. Just something to take your mind off of it. Otherwise it really is sheer boredom hell.

I’m not doing anymore restrictions
Anything I can get away with
Believe me
I will
I certainly won’t be wearing a mask outside
And with 1 police officer to 522 of us or more
There’s no way they can police all of us
And I think it’s a load of old cobblers anyway

@Bluntness100
If I put the tv on before 7 Id no nothing all day
I literally don’t want my life to disappear down the tube I’d end up more depressed than ever

We try to get outside as much as possible
We do watch some Netflix. About 2 hours a night. No adverts, pso
Avoid news, briefings, wanksock and Bojos

I’m not going to be punished for leading such a restricted life