How to balance kids & work with 2 working parents if we end up in full lockdown

[Mangomumma]

If schools & nurseries close we'll have a 4 & 1 year old at home. Neither DH or I are key workers but both employers will need us to work (flexibly & at home) I was on maternity leave during lockdown 1.0 so how did other working couples with kids split the kids & work?

I really feel for all the single parents. I know I'm lucky to have someone else to help. Let's hope it doesn't last long & these vaccines allow things to start to return to normal in the not too distant future. Stay safe everyone x

I feel sick even thinking about the prospect of doing it all again. We survived on Disney plus and endless treats plus working all evening. It's just not sustainable and I think it will actually break me.

Both my neighbours are using nannies for their small children as they work ft/PT.
Are there any 18 year olds you could employ, as babysitters whilst you work alongside? Not unsupervised but just to entertain fetch and carry play etc. Surely better than nothing?

7 & 10 year old here, with Dh & me both WFH self employed. We can tag team things to an extent but it all got so stressful last time.
My two struggle unless you are standing over them.

I did have some success with Zoom sessions with my family - they watched things on iplayer together and chatted.

This time, going to lower my standards hugely and accept that they will get very little "schooling"

My heart goes out to everyone with little ones who need entertaining and/or people doing this without a partner. Be kind to yourself and don't look at what anyone else is doing!

The thing to remember is thatz say you work 3 days, and your partner works 2 days, that should be doable in 5 days right? WRONG. Wfh with children around means those numbers don't add up as they should do. An argument breaks out. Someone won't go for a nap. Someone starts work late after being up most of the night with a child. To get 5 days work done between us, we needed to work some extra evenings or at the weekend.

My teacher neighbour says that your job is to be a parent. If you can add in some home schooling, brilliant but not essential and definitely not worth tears and tantrums.

@Weallliveinamonkeysubmarine

The thing to remember is thatz say you work 3 days, and your partner works 2 days, that should be doable in 5 days right? WRONG. Wfh with children around means those numbers don't add up as they should do. An argument breaks out. Someone won't go for a nap. Someone starts work late after being up most of the night with a child. To get 5 days work done between us, we needed to work some extra evenings or at the weekend.

5 days of home schooling plus 5 days of work = 10 days. I need ten days each week to keep the plates spinning. Think yourself lucky!!

We worked in shifts- 6/7-10am, 10-1pm, 1-4pm, 4-6pm, and then extra work in evening for both of us. We have one 4 year old, she wasn't well suited to tv/tablet time with parents on calls in background so our shifts were strict. I blocked out all family time in my diary. Didn't apologise when I declined a meeting.

It was knackering and I didn't get everything done. But we managed for almost 5 months that way.

I had that age the first time round. It was bloody awful to be honest. We did two hour slots of work/childcare. There is no point trying to replicate what works for older children because the 1 year old will require lots of attention and supervision and will probably destroy any activity you set up for the older one. We tried to make sure whoever had the morning slot got them out for a walk to try and burn some energy. Be kind to yourself and accept the house will probably be trashed. This time round, I’m going to get lots of pre-prepared and easy meals in, lots of snacks and try to make life easier. We didn’t have a playpen and I wish we’d got one as we might have found it easier to contain the 1yo.

This too shall pass

I’ve just come to post as I feel for you all. I’m in another country and we had a second strict 4 month lock down July- November (after the initial April /May one which seemed to run at the same time as the UK).

I’m a lone parent with three DCs in primary. We weren’t allowed to bubble until the very end and then it was only with one other adult who lived alone for an hour a day and it had to be outside. I didn’t know anyone as my single friends all chose a parent/sibling to do it with.

My family are all in the UK.

So I had no help/ real life adult company.

DCs share a room and we have no garden / outdoor space.

I work full time (wfh all of 2020) and my manager didn’t understand as he has a SAH partner and my team don’t have children.

It was very tough. In my experience only way to get through it is to lower your standards and not worry about school work. If that means devices/screens and crisps, takeaway all day then that’s okay.

Preserve your mental health and your DC’s mental health. Be kind to yourselves.

At one stage mine were gaming /tick tocking from their beds all day every day. None of them were getting dressed (pjs all day every day). I was working all hours and sleeping when I could.

It was shit show for weeks on end in our home.

My sanity was maintained by going for a walk every day. One hour of a exercise and fresh air even in the cold and rain helped me from falling into a despairing heap.

School started end November and it’s all fine. DCs are behind and I got a bit fatter but lots of others have had this too (most notably the strict PE teacher who put on a lot of weight ).

My DCs are very happy and have caught up at school - I’ve lost the weight.

We have Covid more under control where we live now, so I recently caught up with the cool school mums (scored an invite to dinner with the clique, natch ). After I confessed my neglectful lockdown parenting, they each made similar revelations. We all had a good laugh about how ‘bad’ our parenting was.

TLDR:

1. Drop your home standards
2. Lower your schooling /learning expectations -
3. Tell DC teachers your home situation, they’ll understand - I told ours I was struggling and they were kind to the DCs when they didn’t complete the work
4. Go for a walk every day
5. Prioritise your mental health
6. Stressing will make it worse for the DCs - this is family survival time

My thoughts are with you all

I have 3 DC age 8, 6 and 2. DC1 is autistic and although very very bright, is demand avoidant and can become aggressive if anxious (which happens with routine change, so, great...). He needs constant supervision, so does 2 year old, and 6 year old will happily potter all day but not at all motivated to do set work. DH and I both lawyers. We split childcare 3 days a week, and did a full day each to enable us to focus on big tasks, then both worked all evening.
It was totally relentless and I am absolutely dreading the next few weeks to be honest.

I had to go into survival mode, single parent, reception child. I made sure we read a short book every day, either after breakfast or in bed, and would ask for his help when making dinner and make it "math's" e.g how many potions are here, can you get me 8 mushrooms etc. Stuck on a lot of train documentaries, and a lot of kids TV. Did Joe Wicks PE. No home schooling really as I am a key worker but I've been told to shield on and off since March and I had to basically be online 8-6 every week day. Took him for a walk before tea each day, easy since it was light nights. Made sure that on a Saturday we had a lovely trip out somewhere, seaside, woods, park etc. Even though in March that strictly wasn't allowed with shielding, due to working in NHS I did my own risk assessment and went to quiet places. Made it fun but a little educational, asked him then to draw and write stories about what we did at the weekend. After a month or so my Mum (55, healthy) came to help me a few days a week (we live super close) because I was struggling so much, his last school report said he was doing really well so it didn't permanently damage him (as much as I thought that and all the beige food had!!)

I also called our equivalent of the Samaritans a few times when I wasn’t coping with the lockdown.

Post here for support.

No one is alone in this - even if you feel hopeless it will pass.

You have no option but to let things slip. The only positive thing you can do is not blame yourself.

@Parker231

My teacher neighbour says that your job is to be a parent. If you can add in some home schooling, brilliant but not essential and definitely not worth tears and tantrums.

This is very true. Just do the best you can to survive mentally. The school stuff doesn’t matter.

Following with interest and dread!

It was hell and I was ready to quit work at the end and took leave as I was struggling and not coping well. DC now 7 and 4 so getting a bit better ...

Both working FT
Split our days so kids were in front of the tv 8-12 then split 12-3 and 3-6 then I often worked until late and woke up early to try and get ahead of stuff

Grim

And this time the school has planned multiple zoom calls a day for each kid which is great and amazing blah blah blah but ARGH

5-12 and switch, 12-7

Me 630-230
Husband 1-9
This was with a nap 1-230. Rhe one my son has started dropping down

My mental health was badly affected but ey saving Xmas was the important thing so here we are !

It depends how well your dc are doing though.
If they do pick things up quickly and understand generally the first time then yes they will be OK. Dc 1 was like that, dc2 is in need of a constant drip, we worked with her Saturday and Sunday too because I did little bit every day.

However, don't underestimate the sheer boost one on one time gives! I was astonished at dd 2 progress over lock down.

Depending on the age of the children and the schools approach, one thing lots of colleagues found helpful was to switch the school days - so you can do some high quality home school on the weekend rather than cramming it in around work. A lot of people found that five hours high quality home schooling on the weekend was worth lots more time during the week. It sucks a bit not having the weekend “free” but is also liberating that then the kids can do what they want two days during the week without one of you actually teaching them. This is more appropriate for children too old to need 100% focused childcare and too young to school themselves eg ages 5-12.

Following for advice - only one here thankfully but a very active 16 month old. I was also in maternity leave last time round but am supposed to start back next week. My fear is that DH will just assume it will be like the last lockdown when he was relatively unaffected (other than being at home rather than the office) rather than actually seeing that we have to split things 50:50. I've already tried to pin him down as to when he has standing calls/meetings in his diary which we need to work around but he's being spectacularly unhelpful. DS has a pretty short attention span and currently actively seeks out the things he knows he's not allowed to touch/climb on. Can you get some kind of toddler crate?? Only joking...

The last lockmust was hell.

I admit that in one way I was very fortunate as my work is largely legal so that as long as the finished review / contract etc is on someone's desk by 9 am the next day that is fine.

But DP is the main earner so I spent the day from 7 am to 7.30 looking after DC and principally DS3. Managed an hour or two in the day for urgent calls when DS then aged 2 napped or watched tv. Then eat and start work at 8 pm finishing around 1 to 2 am propped up on caffeine and chocolate. Then up at 7 am and repeat.

In the beginning I used to cry a lot but towards the end was just left empty with a distant stare.

Relationship with DP still impacted from it and still feel just empty. I simply do not have it in me to do it again in the dark winter months and honestly not will cope.

If

2 DC aged 6 and 8. One being assessed for ADHD. DH keyworker, we both work full time at home and spend most of the day either on zoom calls or needing to concentrate on work for long periods.

We tried to take turns and have some sort of rota but it just wasn’t possible to stick to it with our jobs. It was hell on Earth, we all argued every single day, the kids were effectively free roaming for hours on end and there is no way I’m doing it again. Plus last time the school work was largely consolidating learning - this time they’re being taught new stuff which is a different thing altogether. DH and I both need our laptops for work so it’s difficult to make sure everyone has access.

In short - dreading it but my focus this time is protecting everyone’s mental health as the priority not on educating the kids.

Have only read OP. We had a two year old and no childcare last time, and two full-time but very flexible jobs.

We found alternating days to be the best. DH worked Monday and Wednesday, I worked Tuesday and Thursday and we alternated Fridays. On our non working days we'd keep up with the essentials during naps and in the evenings and send the odd email while out for a walk with the buggy.

We have friends who alternated three hour shifts but we preferred to get a proper run at the work stuff.