To feel very alone and stressed in being a rule follower

[wheretoyougonow]

I don't really know how to express this but I'll give it a go. I am feeling so affected by people not following the rules. Normally I would try and stick to worrying about my own family but it feels everywhere. I am a rule follower and I do this for two main reasons. I don't want my family to be ill and I don't want to spread it to someone.
I am in tier 4 and we are supposed to be on lockdown. I haven't seen my work colleagues in nearly a year and one on my sons has been asked to leave school three times in one term due to classmates having positive tests.

This week my lovely neighbours, who are in the high risk category, have gone out everyday. They have been sale shopping, out with visiting family in different areas etc. You get the gist.

Facebook has been advertising a car boot sale starting up again today. Friends are going.

The most excitement I have had is a daily walk. I've stuck to what has been asked. I'm emotionally at breaking point. I'm bored, worried about my children's education and in a job where I desperately need to be back in the office. Yet I still won't break the rules because I want this to be over ASAP.

Mumsnet has very strong opinions on Coronavirus but I just wondered if there is anyone else out there following the rules, feeling in the minority in doing so and emotionally exhausted/frustrated?

I feel similarly. It's pretty soul destroying. I'm trying to just concentrate on what me and my immediate family are doing.

Thank you for replying. Sorry you feel the same way. It's so tough.

Yep feel the same way. It feels like I am a fish swimming against the tide. No one seems to be bothered with the rules. There is no sense of team, community or togetherness in any of this.

I'm finding it difficult too, I must admit. DP's mother is pissed off with us at the moment because we decided not to call in at Christmas as planned. We were allowed under the rules, but unfortunately she invited several people into her house over the Christmas period, including neighbours who only came to drop off presents and run. But they ended up inside her house. Knowing her, the poor unsuspecting victims were probably hustled through the door to admire her decorations before they even knew what was happening! So we decided not to call in and when we dropped off presents at the gate, her face was tripping her. But our Christmas was spoiled too. We carefully avoided unnecessary contact and took the DC out of school early to make sure all was safe beforehand. We're being seen as unnecessarily fussy. But I think many people are being way too cavalier.

It can be disheartening. But just remember these people are at a higher risk of catching it by doing extra stuff.
In the summer I had a friend who took the family in 2 abroad holidays. I felt down beat that my kids were losing out. But overall I still felt I didn’t want to put just us or our DC at risk.
Keep your chin up. There are plenty of us doing the right thing.

I feel very similar, op. My neighbours across the road were away for a week over Christmas (we are in Tier 4) and I'm really struggling with my reaction to this.

Everyone around me seems to be 'following' the rules, but bending them to suit themselves - like interpreting the 'support' or 'childcare' bubble to basically include anyone they feel like seeing or anything they feel like doing.

I'm just so fed up.

It's the same for other things. People who lie, cheat, steal etc often seem to be better off than others who choose to behave in a more moral way.

I think there are plenty of people (probably even the majority) actually following the rules. You just don't notice them so much because, by definition, they tend to be sat at home not doing much more than venturing out for a socially distanced walk.

I think you just have to accept that you are doing the right thing and take pleasure from small things. My day was made yesterday by a complete stranger, who I'd moved away from when on a walk so we could pass at distance saying "thank you so much - and happy New year!".

I don’t understand why people are fed up by what others are doing? Why focus on those not following rules when actually the vast majority are?

All that’s happening is you making yourself upset by watching other people.

I’m following the rules. Some people around me are not, that’s their look out and in fact in some cases I don’t blame them - I know a few bending the rules who live alone, I’d probably do the same in their circumstances.

People who have already had it are probably bending the rules too as it goes.

Me too. I haven't seen my parents for over a year now. I can be patient and do my bit but I get peeved when friends post social media pics of non-essential trips.

Weren't car boot sales one of the things that are allowed to go ahead?

Honestly you're not going to get anywhere by worrying about what others do. You can't control it.

You're making a lot of judgements and jumping to conclusions about behaviour when you like don't know what they are doing and why. Do you feel your life is a bit empty right now? I can't imagine know when my neighbours are coming and going.

Car boot sales aside my friends son is isolating through test and trace as a close contact of someone who is poorly with it now.

His employer is insisting if he has a negative test then he's to go into work. He works at McDonald's. This is a real problem and I'd say it's happening all over the place.

The vast, vast majority of people are broadly following the rules. You just can't see them because they're at home or out for a walk in a relatively quiet area.

Me too OP. I can't claim to have been an angel in the summer when cases here (Jersey) were next to none, but since they started spiralling I've been sticking to the restrictions like glue.

Sadly our local government isn't fond of 'rules' and everything since original lockdown has been 'guidance' which means people are just doing whatever the hell they like because 'it's not against the law'. I'm now struggling to maintain respect for some close friends who have chosen to disregard the whole situation and carry on as they please. Meanwhile it's DP and I that are labelled the party-poopers and grinchs for turning down invitations and cancelling long-standing plans, and there's tension all round I don't know if some of our friendships will ever fully recover from it

@Phoenix21 the reason for upset is that it feels like this is continuing for much longer than is needed because there is no real drive from people to behave properly. Those people get to go out or break the rules etc and meanwhile we are paying the price for this by being stuck mostly at home.

I’m following the rules but when they were relaxed in the summer, I made the most of it, I ate out once or twice a week, met friends outside, I went to London just before this lockdown, we had a lovely day. I went out for a meal a week before Christmas before we were put in tier 4. It’s easier to follow the rules if when they are eased a bit make the most of it. I don’t understand why people have locked themselves away and not gone out at all since March when you didn’t have to unless you were shielding.

@Raaaaaaarr I actually agree with you to an extend esp re reckless behaviour such as 20 people over for NYE.

However examples given such as resenting people going on holiday and attending car boots sales, within the rules are just going to make the individual miserable.

Yes I’m concerned that people congregating is adding pressure to the NHS, but I also recognise that the vast majority are abiding by rules, and those who aren’t may have circumstances that make them do so.

A maskless upset neighbour recently knocked on my door to complain to me that another was having a family get together. WTF did she care? Not to mention knocking on my door to do so?

A friend of mine is currently on holiday. After the god awful year she’s had I’d do the same in her shoes.

Either way I think people being stressed, depressed over the behaviour of others is harming to the person. The rule breaker won’t give a shit.

And no one should be shaming anyone for deciding not to join them.

Thank you for responding. It's good to realise I'm not alone in feeling the way I do. As I'm not seeing people it's hard to gauge. You're right though. I'm not going to know about the people following the rules as they will be quiet as nothing really going on.

'You're making a lot of judgements and jumping to conclusions about behaviour when you like don't know what they are doing and why. Do you feel your life is a bit empty right now? I can't imagine know when my neighbours are coming and going.'
I'm not jumping to conclusions. We are friends with our neighbours and they tell us what they have been up to when we see each other out the front/dog walking. Of course my life is feeling empty, we are in tier 4. There isn't much going on!

In short, we cannot control the behaviour of others, only how we react to it.

I’d say stop watching what others are doing, you don’t know if they’re just going for their daily exercise, shopping for essentials. We’re in tier 4 and it’s not a complete lockdown, you’re allowed to leave the house. We go for dog walks and to the park everyday, my dh goes to work as he can’t wfh and does the food shopping. We’re not visiting anyone of going to outdoor events like some friends round here but that’s their choice. I’m not the COVID police and you shouldn’t ruin your mental health trying to police others either, you’ve no idea what they’re doing and assuming the worst Is probably a complete misrepresentation.

My sister is a midwife and was shouted at by a neighbour for going out in her car everyday during the first lockdown, she was doing the clap for NHS and he shouted that she was part of the problem and had no right to clap! She was leaving the house everyday to go to work.

Yep me too , just remember at the end of all this we can hold our head up high and say we stayed on the right side of history ! (Plus I have a touch of ocd/asd and see rules as black and white )
If I told you what my friends and close family have been up too you would explode in horror !

@Baileysforchristmas the reason for locking ourselves away is that we can't chance it running through the family. We have responsibilities in our family to care for over 80's and under 10's. No one can afford to be seriously ill with covid. My older family member became ill with something else during the first lockdown and it was incredibly stressful for us all. We couldn't manage the situation easily and had a huge amount of stress for a month - we still had to continue schooling and working.

And I meaning caring as I wiping their backside and changing them every time they pee as they literally could not do anything for themselves.

I'm following the rules and I feel as though DH family are not and just turn up at my house to see kids even though his family have been mixing in with others. I am feel very emotional and exhausted from this. I have to constantly remind my Mil to stop breaking the rules.