Why is it so hard for my DH to stay at home?

[curlyrebel]

My DH has left me on Christmas Day eve to go to visit his mate. I asked, how do you know he's ok and he was like I don't but still went anyway. We're in tier 4. He knows it's highly infectious now but he can't stop himself from going out.

Pre-Covid he would go out a lot and the last few months has curbed him (mainly because clubs/pubs have barely been open) but he has still gone to see mates and invited them to ours even when it's not been allowed. I despair of him and hate his disregard for rules despite the reasons behind them. We have two small kids and he is putting us all at risk by going to see different friends.

Not sure what I'm looking for in responses really as I feel powerless to change him. Is anyone else going through similar with their other half?

Has he gone go smoke some weed?

Because he's a dick.

he can't stop himself from going out
Of course he can. He just doesnt want to.

Dont make him passive in his behaviour. It was his choice to go out.

When you told him you didnt want him to go, what did he say?

@HollyGenneroMcClane how did you know?
To be honest I don't say please don't go. I tell him he's being stupid and he knows I'm pissed off. I think he would go no matter what I said to him.

Do you work?

Yes full time

Basically im trying to assess your current options.

I guessed weed from reading the many similar threads on the relationship board over the years. He wont suddenly get more responsible.

How much parenting does he do? How much of the running of the home does he do?

Because he’s a dead beat idiot. The real question is why are you putting up with it

He's a tosser who doesn't have any regards for your health or his own or anyone elses. You need to consider whether or not you want to be in a relationship with someone who has so little regard for you

Next time he goes out lock the door and dont let him back in.

My 18 yr old DD behaves like this regarding corona rules. Perhaps he is quite immature. Weed habit makes sense too.

To be honest honey he acted like an immature dick, he thought going out with his mates more important than you and his two small children on Christmas Day. He had a choice and he chose them. I don’t mean to sound harsh but you need to take a look at your relationship it sounds like you’re doing 90% of the work

What the fuck are you doing with this loser ?

What kind of man leaves his wife on Christmas day to see a mate?

He is an active parent - does the school run for our eldest and looks after our youngest when I'm working. He will do food shopping and prepare food for the kids. He does housework but I think I do the lions share. He keeps on top of our accounts and do jobs around the house whilst I do other admin like school stuff.

He works night shifts so I usually bathe and put the kids to bed. I'll be on kids duty overnight and in the morning too. Basically if he's home and not sleeping he will get involved.

Sometimes if he's been out some or most of the night he will get up and try to make an effort but give up at some point and go back to bed. He tries to do it all basically and pushes his 40+year old body to its limits. I thought he had stopped smoking really but never has a break from drinking.

I have tried giving him ultimatums before but it's just not worked. He knows I'm locked in what with being married, having a mortgage together and two little ones.

Ultimatums only work when you follow through with them

Well I kind of look at this differently. If he's not going to smoke weed then maybe he's doing this for his mental health. It's been a really tough time for everyone and maybe seeing a friend the odd time is the only way he can get through this. I know of one of one young married father of 2 who committed suicide a month ago. Everyone says now - if only he had just reached out to someone. That's not easy now with all the lock downs. Maybe consider he's doing this for his mental health rather than assuming he's selfish or careless/ whatever. If he's not meeting in a big group I don't think it will have a huge impact.

Mine is having a social life, although, going out a lot less often. He's done things like walks, coffee outside and sat/stood outside in park with a can each. Obviously not the same, but I'm glad get seeing friends and doing it as safely as possible. Your DH is being totally unreasonable. I'd sleep downstairs and not let him anywhere near you.

How often is he drinking? And is it when looking after the children? I remembered hour previous thread about him and his binge drinking mate.

At his age and gI endeavour the current circumstances, plus that he seems otherwise supportive I would suggest that he is doing it for his mental wellbeing. I agree that it would be better to do this outside in a pandemic but I think that perhaps you need to reach acceptable compromise and maybe encourage him to seek medical advice, he may be self medicating. Are you getting time out to walk with a friend too?

With people like this the only way they’ll take notice of anything is when the hospitals reach full capacity and there are no ambulances for hours when they actually need help. They don’t realise it’s not all about Covid, it’s about NHS capacity to cope with anything.

I would be absolutely furious to the point of leaving him I think. But then I am more angry about this than most people as I am in the clinically extremely vulnerable group.

He needs a good reason to give up weed/smoking- not you but a good reason himself- have you spoken to him about the impact on the family? How will he explain to the kids him disappearing /hangover etc ? I'd ask him to speak to your kids to explain his addiction- surely he will realise he has to change?

My DH has really struggled with the stay at home order, not because he is a dick, because he isnt. But because he's a sociable person who gets joy from seeing his friends.

I have CV at the moment so we are isolating till new years & dh is going out of his mind! It's been 3 days, he needs to go out and he needs to see someone who isnt us.

Your DH sounds invested in family life overall, maybe he just is struggling too.

Weed smokers will always prioritise this habit, I guess it make them feel young/no responsibilities.

I grew out of dating weed smokers in my 20's - I'm too ambitious and I don't want to be held back by being with a slacker.

It doesn't sound he would be prepared to give up this habit, it's what he wants to do with his life, and as long you are there with the kids at home waiting for him, I doubt he will change.

Your issue sounds more like you're married to a heavy drinking drug taker. The covid rules will change, but he'll still be drinking and taking drugs. Is that the role model you want for your children or will you move on at some point?