DP's parent close to passing - still feeling guilty about lockdown rules

[cumulonimbus523]

Brief history is, DP's parent was diagnosed with terminal cancer last year. They have been in and out of hospital (ironically, after many months shielding, they caught COVID in hospital, somehow managed to recover after a day or two). There is almost no way they will live beyond a few months.

We had planned to visit them over Christmas, so DP could spend one last Christmas with both his parents. Of course we understand there is a non-zero chance we have COVID as is the case with anybody, but that chance is very, very close to zero. Both WFH, live in an area with very few COVID cases, haven't been seeing people since March, been isolating for two weeks with no food shop, deliveries etc. coming to the house. We would drive to his parents' house.

Due to various reasons DP has only seen them once since the diagnosis, and only briefly at that. Lockdowns after Christmas seem likely so who knows when we might see them again. Parents live across the border from England, it is 5 hours each way so no way to blag it as a day trip on Christmas Day. If we were stopped by police I would try to explain we were visiting a terminally ill person using the "compassionate grounds" thing. To be honest I would pay £100, £1000 up front if it meant they'd let DP see his parent, I am so upset to think of them passing without seeing their son again.

On the other hand we do see the need for the rules and have been following everything to the letter since March - I really, really hate breaking rules and especially this lockdown because I completely understand how we might have chaos in Jan. My instinct is to go - I saw a similar thread earlier today and everybody was telling the OP to visit so I guess what I need is some validation that I'm being pathetic and yes we should just go and stay with his parents as planned, or else a telling off for considering it!

Phew, if you made it to the end of that, thanks for reading.

If this is the Scotland England border the only exemption for end of life related reasons is for somebody who has already passed away so you cannot travel.

It's Wales, not Scotland.

I would go. Sorry but nothing in the world would keep me away from a dying parent.

I would and did go under very similar circumstances earlier this year. You will never get that time back and DP will regret it if he doesn't go.

Go ...please go.....you will regret it if you dont ...big hugs xx

Please go, trust your instincts

@treening

I would go. Sorry but nothing in the world would keep me away from a dying parent.

Agree

Go. The chances of getting stopped are minimal, the chances of having covid are minimal. The chances of this being the last Christmas, high. You've done your bit to help stop the nhs being overwhelmed, and you can do your bit after.

People have been breaking rules to have a coffee with a mate without a thought. Just do it and don't give it a second thought.

Blimey the Scotland England border rule is harsh!

OP, I think if the dying parent would like you to visit you should go and not feel guilty about it. Sorry you are having to go through this

Absolutely go. This is what exemptions are for. Have a safe trip and enjoy every moment that you can together.

Definitely go. I was with my DGM as she passed away last month and wouldn’t have let anyone keep me away. You’ve taken as many precautions as you can (I did too) and they need you.

I agree. Go. Sorry and support.

@Enidblyton1 yes his parents have expressed a wish to still see us but have made it clear there is no pressure or guilt and the decision lies with us.

To everyone else, thank you for your kind words, I guess I just needed a bit of an outside opinion as I've been going a bit crazy in my own head over this.

Seriously just go. Sending hugsxx

Noone with a heart would judge you surely. I think this is one of the situations where breaking the rules is entirely justified. That's if it doesn't already come under exceptions but it should do.

I would go. We have a similar situation in our family and may also need to travel on compassionate grounds soon. If you have isolated, and his parents would like to see you, you can make it as safe a visit as possible.

If it helps I'm doing exactly the same thing. DM has been diagnosed with stage 4 and has already had three hospital stays in the past month.
We haven't seen her since last Christmas and it may be the last time the DGC get to visit and DSis needs a break desperately.
We're going from England to Scotland and will take any name calling people want to throw my way or fines but we need to do this.
We will have completely isolated for 14 days so we've done all we can and risk assessed a very shitty situation.
My heart goes out to you and I hope you come to the best decision for you and your family

@CausingChaos2 so sorry for the loss of your grandmother, I'm so glad you able to be with her. Hugs.

@timtam23 sending love and hugs. I hope if it becomes necessary that you can see your family members xx

@housemdwaswrong

Go. The chances of getting stopped are minimal, the chances of having covid are minimal. The chances of this being the last Christmas, high. You've done your bit to help stop the nhs being overwhelmed, and you can do your bit after.

People have been breaking rules to have a coffee with a mate without a thought. Just do it and don't give it a second thought.

This most definitely!

I would go. Sorry but nothing in the world would keep me away from a dying parent.

This

@blibblibs so sorry to hear about your mother, sending love and best wishes. I'm coming to the same conclusion as you, I feel like there will always be people who would criticise a decision but honestly we have done the same as you and taken every precaution we can. I hope you can spend some precious time with your family x

Definitely go.
My BIL was told on 30th October he was at end of life, no further treatment options, having been diagnosed 2 weeks earlier.
31st Boris announced lockdown 2, starting 5th November. We at that point were tier 2.
We went to see him that Sunday (1st Nov) against the rules. Had a lovely, if horribly sad visit.
That was the last day he was able to get out of bed/hold a conversation, he died on 5th.
His funeral was late November.
Please go.

I would go. 100%. You’ve taken every precaution that you can to make this safe, it is entirely unlike people breaking the rules because they just don’t care about them.

@TheNorthernTights thank you so much for sharing, I'm tearing up at all the sadness and heartbreak. I'm so happy he was able to get some time with his loved ones. Hugs to your family

I don’t know what tier you are in in England but Wales rules quote

*I have caring responsibilities for somebody I do not live with – can I visit them?

You are allowed to provide care for or to help someone who needs it, such as an older person, a child or a vulnerable adult, even if they are not part of your household or support bubble. You can also visit someone on compassionate grounds if necessary.

When considering whether there is a need to visit someone outside your household or support bubble, especially indoors, you should remember we all have a responsibility to recognise the risks the virus presents to ourselves, our families and friends and our wider communities.

People need to make judgements for themselves about what is reasonable, in line with that overarching principle. Keep in mind that the purpose of the restrictions is to prevent the spreading of the virus, including to those we care about.

What do you mean by compassionate grounds?

You may have compassionate reasons for visiting someone in exceptional circumstances where that person is struggling with restrictions on meeting others generally or they may be suffering from a physical or mental illness, have suffered a bereavement or you may be concerned about their general wellbeing or welfare.

Visits to places such as supported accommodation, children’s homes, hospitals or care homes are permitted in exceptional circumstances, where they are allowed by the relevant setting. In each case, the service provider needs to put in place appropriate social distancing and safety measures before allowing visits, and you should contact them before travelling*

To me it feels like you can visit on compassionate grounds