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Original poster

DP's parent close to passing - still feeling guilty about lockdown rules

52 replies

cumulonimbus523 · 20/12/2020 23:33

Brief history is, DP's parent was diagnosed with terminal cancer last year. They have been in and out of hospital (ironically, after many months shielding, they caught COVID in hospital, somehow managed to recover after a day or two). There is almost no way they will live beyond a few months.

We had planned to visit them over Christmas, so DP could spend one last Christmas with both his parents. Of course we understand there is a non-zero chance we have COVID as is the case with anybody, but that chance is very, very close to zero. Both WFH, live in an area with very few COVID cases, haven't been seeing people since March, been isolating for two weeks with no food shop, deliveries etc. coming to the house. We would drive to his parents' house.

Due to various reasons DP has only seen them once since the diagnosis, and only briefly at that. Lockdowns after Christmas seem likely so who knows when we might see them again. Parents live across the border from England, it is 5 hours each way so no way to blag it as a day trip on Christmas Day. If we were stopped by police I would try to explain we were visiting a terminally ill person using the "compassionate grounds" thing. To be honest I would pay £100, £1000 up front if it meant they'd let DP see his parent, I am so upset to think of them passing without seeing their son again.

On the other hand we do see the need for the rules and have been following everything to the letter since March - I really, really hate breaking rules and especially this lockdown because I completely understand how we might have chaos in Jan. My instinct is to go - I saw a similar thread earlier today and everybody was telling the OP to visit so I guess what I need is some validation that I'm being pathetic and yes we should just go and stay with his parents as planned, or else a telling off for considering it!

Phew, if you made it to the end of that, thanks for reading.

OP posts:
Shodan · 21/12/2020 00:57

Please go, especially if they're still at home.

My mother had a stroke in late July, spent 2 months in hospital and then the remainder of her life in a nursing home, where she died 4 weeks ago today. Our visits were strictly controlled- no touching, masks/full ppe on at all times.

On the night she lay dying, only one of us was allowed to visit, for half an hour only. He was told off for touching her hair, he was told off for removing his mask briefly to kiss her goodbye.

Give them their Christmas.

BrrrIsland · 21/12/2020 01:08

I’d go. My dad died many years ago, but even now I still feel guilt about some of the decisions/priorities I took as a teenager in his final month.

BrrrIsland · 21/12/2020 01:09

I really feel for people having to make this decision right now.

TiddyTid · 21/12/2020 01:12

The rules don't apply to you OP. Rules are for idiots, guidance for those with common sense and situations outside of normal. Xmas Blushjust Go. Massive hugs Thanks

TiddyTid · 21/12/2020 01:13

Sorry don't know where the Santa came from!

katy1213 · 21/12/2020 01:13

Absolutely - just go and make it as happy as you can in the circumstances.

Topseyt · 21/12/2020 02:38

You absolutely just go, and make it the very best Christmas you possibly can. Sod what anyone else thinks or says.

Sod the rules too, although I am fairly sure that this comes under the exceptions that were introduced in the first lockdown.

Flaxmeadow · 21/12/2020 03:28

There are exemptions in the rules about this and I would think they are similar in both country's. Visiting to care for someone, exceptional circumstances and on compassionate grounds as you say. Sad to have to say it, but in these times, I would try to take some kind of proof of the reason for the journey if that's at all possible. Incase some over zealous police are at the border, just doing their job I suppose, but still.

Hope everything goes OK for you Flowers

TheHobbitMum · 21/12/2020 03:41

You should go and see his DPs, nothing would stop me from spending a last Christmas together Flowers

Inkpaperstars · 21/12/2020 04:00

I am usually the first to say put caution first and be responsible re covid etc, but in this situation I wouldn’t hesitate to go and I don’t think you should have any regrets about doing so. You have obviously been very careful and responsible and have good reason to make the trip. I am sorry you and your family are going through this x

Inkpaperstars · 21/12/2020 04:02

Just wanted to add, I think everyone with any sense thinks situations like yours are exactly what the exceptions should be for. One of the reasons for most of us being extra careful is so people in situations like yours can go and be together.

YukoandHiro · 21/12/2020 04:20

Definitely go. We are locked down for Xmas in a support bubble as have a newborn (this is part of the rules, for which I'm so grateful as I'm at the end of my tether) - if there's an exemption for this, which there is in black and white, there almost certainly one for end of life. You're not breaking any rules; nobody will stop or fine you for this.

If you want to be extra careful could you book a private covid test for you all today?

Toocold · 21/12/2020 06:55

Please go, we lost my step dad in Aug, diagnosed end of June, late diagnosis due to covid, he deteriorated very very quickly and was gone by middle of Aug. I really think if you don’t go you’ll regret it, I know the guilt feeling about rules but this is an exception. Take care

BonnieDundee · 21/12/2020 07:16

It would be a very harsh person who would judge you for this. Go, especially if you can afford a fine. But you definitely shouldn't be fined

moomin11 · 21/12/2020 08:38

Go. Definitely.

SufferingFromLongLockdown · 21/12/2020 08:45

I would go. Doing endings well is very important. You don't get a second chance at it.

RosePetalss · 21/12/2020 09:16

Please please go! We didn’t get to say good bye to 2 of our loved ones this year and are about to loose another. Please go anyone who thinks bad of someone in your situation doing the trip really needs to take a hard look in the mirror.

Flowers
DianaT1969 · 21/12/2020 09:26

Go

Ihateketchup · 21/12/2020 09:33

I would absolutely go.

smartiecake · 21/12/2020 09:58

Go do not even spend time worrying about the rules. My MIL died this year from cancer- end of feb. She was very poorly last xmas but we spent the day with her. We knew it was her last xmas and despite everything we had a lovely time. We would not have missed that for anything. I realise we didn't have to deal with covid but you wont get this time again. Go and see them.

JacobReesMogadishu · 21/12/2020 10:07

I would go and I'm the most rule abiding person going generally.

prisscalledwanda · 21/12/2020 10:18

Another vote for going

ImnotCarolineHirons · 21/12/2020 10:49

There's exemptions for compassionate reasons so you're fine, but I would still say GO anyway. Absolutely.

Original poster
cumulonimbus523 · 21/12/2020 10:53

Thank you so much to everyone who's replied overnight, it's nice to hear some other opinions because I was afraid to bring this dilemma up with anybody I knew in person. I really appreciate your kindness and generosity even though I know most of you will have had plans overturned.

To all those who've had a loss in the last year, I'm truly so so sorry and thank you for sharing with me. Sending all my love. Flowers

We will take the advice given here of looking into booking a test if there is still a concern there, and also asking DP's parents if they can send over a scan of a medical letter or something which we can keep with us should we be asked. Thanks again.

OP posts:
BogRollBOGOF · 21/12/2020 11:30

Go.
Go.
Don't think twice about it Flowers