Friends and different views on covid - ruined friendships

WheneverIsForever · 2020-12-17T21:05:13+00:00

Feeling very sad tonight I've been really careful this whole period as I'm a carer for my parents who are in their 80s. A 'friend' has been hardly contacting me for walks or meetups outside because she said she is tired yet met a mutual friend the other day at a park at the end of my road. I asked her about why we haven't met in the same way and she was very cold, saying it's just a timing issue, we discussed exchanging Christmas gifts and she said she didn't want to stress me out because she knows I sanitise everything. I do this because we are in Tier 3 and my parents are highly vulnerable both in age and with medical complications. It feels like a poor excuse because she's just not keen to see me, maybe she thinks my response to the virus is pathetic and she's lost respect for me. Also perhaps she takes it personally that I sanitise everything? She is a keyworker in a shop so obviously has been in the thick of it the whole time whereas I have worked from home. I know that is a privileged position but I have had constant worry over my parents and I have had health anxiety in the past so this situation has been very difficult for me. A few weeks ago I said in a message to her, we will be able to meet once my parents have the vaccine, it will be wonderful, that I miss her and my DC miss her DC so much. All she could muster is a thumbs up icon in response. I have children with a huge age gap, when it was lockdown DS was desperate to see her DS online, she didn't once arrange it, despite repeated pleas from me, I felt hung out to dry. I feel so hurt, I don't have siblings, I've relied heavily on friends in the past but I so badly wish I had a sister in times like this...It's been a very isolating experience, where all I seem to have is fair weather friends except for my husband. Has anyone else felt lonely and isolated?

DonkeyMcFluff · 17/12/2020 21:11

My friend is still going to work, has a child in school, her parents work too, and I guess she feels confident going out and about. She’s been to loads of places I wouldn’t dream of going. I’m at home with a preschool child and 75yo parents who need protecting. I know for a fact she feels let down because I haven’t seen her for nearly a year but it’s not personal - I’ve seen nobody.

Original poster

WheneverIsForever · 17/12/2020 21:17

It's so hard isn't it Donkey
I've never felt so alone, even whilst talking to friends. I actually feel my online 'friends' on forums are more of an emotional support than any friends IRL which is crazy, it's something I never would have felt a year ago. I think it's the lack of empathy and understanding for my situation which really hurts. I feel like friends are no longer interested because I am not able to fulfill their needs to go out to coffees with them or have movie nights but don't care at all about how tough this is for me and that I'm struggling. This whole experience has made me feel like were they ever friends? If in the darkest time, they show no kindness...

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Hardbackwriter · 17/12/2020 21:23

This sounds really tough and I can completely see why you're upset but you've built-up a narrative in your head about her thinking you're pathetic etc that she never actually said - I definitely think she could have been more supportive from what you say but she may genuinely think the not giving presents is thoughtful if she knows that you're anxious about things coming into the house. As I said it doesn't sound like she's been very considerate at all about checking in on you etc and I think it's fair that you're hurt by that but I also think you may be taking this more personally than you should. I haven't been in touch with friends as much as I would normally be and it's because I've found the situation and trying to occupy a toddler in endless restrictions draining and difficult and it's left me low and not feeling like chatting; I'd be really saddened if they assumed it was about them personally because it isn't.

merrygoround51 · 17/12/2020 21:25

What I hope is will happen is that people will press the reset button when all this is over. It’s unfair to say you find out who your friends are in this scenario as this isn’t the case. In reality, the same people who you haven’t seen or had contact with may be the people who will have sat with you when your mother was ill etc ......
People’s perception of risk etc is so different and some people simply cannot maintain strong attachments without seeing friends.

So in short I that i am saying is, we should all just try and draw a line and almost forgive and forget. Otherwise we are throwing away friendships that in usual circumstances including usual life traumas function quite well

Hardbackwriter · 17/12/2020 21:43

@merrygoround51

What I hope is will happen is that people will press the reset button when all this is over. It’s unfair to say you find out who your friends are in this scenario as this isn’t the case. In reality, the same people who you haven’t seen or had contact with may be the people who will have sat with you when your mother was ill etc ...... People’s perception of risk etc is so different and some people simply cannot maintain strong attachments without seeing friends.

So in short I that i am saying is, we should all just try and draw a line and almost forgive and forget. Otherwise we are throwing away friendships that in usual circumstances including usual life traumas function quite well

I hope this too - the problem is that people have experienced the last 9 months very differently, and sometimes in quite incompatible ways. In the first lockdown I found it difficult because I was exhausted trying to work full-time while caring for a toddler no longer in nursery and was working every evening and weekend to make it up so wanted to really withdraw socially, but a couple of friends who are single wanted much more contact than we'd normally have because they were lonely and isolated. I felt they didn't understand how difficult and exhausting it was for me, and they felt - probably correctly - that I couldn't fathom how difficult it was to be completely alone. I think it has damaged some of my relationships that I thought were strong, which is sad.

Calledyoulastnightfromglasgow · 17/12/2020 21:47

Are you sure you are reading it right? Maybe she is hurt or dealing with other stuff

It’s been a shit show. The whole thing.

I am determined not to fall out with anyone and have friends in all different situations. However the people virtue signalling and telling people how to behave in FB have annoyed the hell out of me - for various reasons.

vanillandhoney · 17/12/2020 21:50

Maybe she's hurt because she hasn't seen you since March?

DonkeyMcFluff · 17/12/2020 21:52

Maybe she's hurt because she hasn't seen you since March?
But what can you do about it if you’re staying safe and seeing nobody? You can’t put yourself at risk just to please someone else.

Delatron · 17/12/2020 21:55

Has it been since March? So you didn’t feel able to meet up in summer when cases were low? Just trying to work out if she may be frustrated as it’s been so long? I get you were trying to be careful.

Even my super careful and vulnerable in-laws met up with us in the summer months.

Unless you’ve been trying to meet up with her the whole time for walks and she’s been saying no? It’s not clear from your post.

merrygoround51 · 17/12/2020 22:48

@DonkeyMcFluff Isn’t this the whole crux of it though. Summer saw little or no risk, so if you didn’t see people then, were you kind of burning bridges
Like I said earlier, we all just need to draw a line but these resentments can build up!

Original poster

WheneverIsForever · 17/12/2020 22:59

@Delatron

Has it been since March? So you didn’t feel able to meet up in summer when cases were low? Just trying to work out if she may be frustrated as it’s been so long? I get you were trying to be careful.

Even my super careful and vulnerable in-laws met up with us in the summer months.

Unless you’ve been trying to meet up with her the whole time for walks and she’s been saying no? It’s not clear from your post.

I saw my friends in the summer but at a distance for picnics without the kids as they can't socially distance.

I think another poster mentioned not seeing anyone since March

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InDireStraits · 17/12/2020 22:59

I met outside with a friend a couple of months ago who was cautious to a much greater extent than I was (think sanitising children’s hands every 5 mins, children getting upset if they perceived my children to be getting closer than 2m to them etc.) and to be honest I won’t be instigating a meet up again until things have improved. It wasn’t enjoyable and I felt tense that I was being judged for being too lax (I’m a natural rule follower so not the case). I do want to stay friends though, it just doesn’t work at the moment though. If your friend is like me they’re not necessarily judging you but just can’t deal with it right now. Try not to worry, this year has been awful & as someone said maybe next year can be a reset.

Original poster

WheneverIsForever · 17/12/2020 23:04

@Hardbackwriter

This sounds really tough and I can completely see why you're upset but you've built-up a narrative in your head about her thinking you're pathetic etc that she never actually said - I definitely think she could have been more supportive from what you say but she may genuinely think the not giving presents is thoughtful if she knows that you're anxious about things coming into the house. As I said it doesn't sound like she's been very considerate at all about checking in on you etc and I think it's fair that you're hurt by that but I also think you may be taking this more personally than you should. I haven't been in touch with friends as much as I would normally be and it's because I've found the situation and trying to occupy a toddler in endless restrictions draining and difficult and it's left me low and not feeling like chatting; I'd be really saddened if they assumed it was about them personally because it isn't.

You are right, I am creating a narrative, thank you for making me aware of that, it's hard when I'm feeling emotional to think about it rationally.

I also sent her several emotionally needy messages tonight which was a crap idea as she basically said she doesn't have time for it right now

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Original poster

WheneverIsForever · 17/12/2020 23:08

@merrygoround51

What I hope is will happen is that people will press the reset button when all this is over. It’s unfair to say you find out who your friends are in this scenario as this isn’t the case. In reality, the same people who you haven’t seen or had contact with may be the people who will have sat with you when your mother was ill etc ...... People’s perception of risk etc is so different and some people simply cannot maintain strong attachments without seeing friends.

So in short I that i am saying is, we should all just try and draw a line and almost forgive and forget. Otherwise we are throwing away friendships that in usual circumstances including usual life traumas function quite well

I really hope we can draw a line and start afresh. You are right that in normal circumstances these friendships would be strong

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AcornAutumn · 17/12/2020 23:08

@vanillandhoney

Maybe she's hurt because she hasn't seen you since March?

I must be honest

I’m ditching a couple of people who hid from me in the summer

I’m not going to say anything, but if they try to come back...

I also think their understanding of the virus is bonkers, they clearly get their info from sources other than original source data, and that makes me see them differently.

God knows what they’ll be like when a more severe pandemic appears.

Original poster

WheneverIsForever · 17/12/2020 23:21

@Calledyoulastnightfromglasgow

Are you sure you are reading it right? Maybe she is hurt or dealing with other stuff

It’s been a shit show. The whole thing.

I am determined not to fall out with anyone and have friends in all different situations. However the people virtue signalling and telling people how to behave in FB have annoyed the hell out of me - for various reasons.

I might not be reading it right but either way I bombarded her with messages tonight about how she hasn't been there for me which was really over the top and self-involved so perhaps I've ruined the friendship now without me needing to worry if it will survive covid :(

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manicinsomniac · 17/12/2020 23:34

I'm sorry. If you are reading her right (and I agree with others that you may not be) that is hurtful and not very pleasant.

I'm extremely relaxed about Covid and will do anything that is permitted (I'm a rule follower but if something's within the rules I do it). But there are other things in life that terrify me and that most people wouldn't turn a hair at. We're all different and the general philosophy for a successful relationship is that you go at the pace of the slowest, surely? I expect my real friends to be sensitive to my difficulties and at the same time, I respect the boundaries of friends who are very cautious around Covid. I will only do what the other person is comfortable with. If that means going to a small houseparty (oh, to be in August and tier 1 again!) with one friend one day and then meeting another friend outside, staying rigidly 2m away and not sitting on any benches/touching any gates another say then so be it.

Watermelon888 · 17/12/2020 23:45

Have you tried instigating walks or get togethers outside yourself? What was the response?

I have generally been drawn to friends who are on a similar page to me throughout this.

Original poster

WheneverIsForever · 17/12/2020 23:50

@manicinsomniac
That's lovely that you go at your friends paces and don't judge, you sound like a lovely friend

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trulydelicious · 17/12/2020 23:50

@WheneverIsForever

I think you are doing a good job looking after your parents and your family. They should be your priority.

If she is a good friend she will understand

Original poster

WheneverIsForever · 17/12/2020 23:57

@Watermelon888
Yes, I have, several times, we went for a walk in the woods but she said it was too muddy and her toddler got very muddy so instead I said we could meet up in a park near her house, as she said she is too tired to walk, but she didn't respond.

I actually think she met this other friend several times in locations I had suggested so I feel like she just didn't want to see me. She often uses me as a sounding board on WhatsApp messages and in the past I've shared a lot of my own problems with her but I've felt a lot more independent since lockdown and have regained my privacy, wishing only to share with my husband, as I don't wish to dwell on problems so much anymore. I'm always happy to listen to her though but maybe she is feeling like I'm not sharing? I think that could be a secondary issue...

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Original poster

WheneverIsForever · 17/12/2020 23:57

@trulydelicious Thank you :)

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carlaCox · 18/12/2020 00:00

Without wanting to hurt your feelings OP, reading your posts there's a lot of "I feel like this", "I have to do that" as well as "she doesn't sympathise with me". Perhaps the reason she's distant is because she feels like you don't sympathise with her?

I can completely imagine that the people who have been slogging away on the frontline, risking their health and their family's health, are a bit tired of hearing the woes of those who are lucky enough to be able to work from home and keep themselves and their families safe.

MichelleScarn · 18/12/2020 00:00

You bombarded her with messages about how she has not been there for you have you been there for her? Asking how she has been doing working front line retail, and looking after her DC? Its good you can see this was not fair of you though.

eeeyulesmiles · 18/12/2020 00:26

I’m ditching a couple of people who hid from me in the summer

I’m not going to say anything, but if they try to come back...

Sounds like they'll be better off without you.