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Original poster

Family member not sticking to the rules in his area

47 replies

Covid19ohcovid19 · 12/12/2020 10:34

We are hosting my relative for Christmas.

We aren't vulnerable, except that I am obese (bmi of 30). Just weighed myself for the first time in ages and discovered this.

He has been breaking the rules in the area he lives in, which is tier 3. I keep asking him just to stick to them, but keep being told I worry too much and "it's Christmas" etc. He has been going to small (he says) indoor gatherings and meeting people outdoors for walks, (that I don't mind so much tbf).

He is planning to come and sleep at our house for a few days. We have three young dcs (primary and preschool age), with no real family support.

Am I being OTT worrying about him coming? I wouldn't mind but I know he is just going to roll his eyes when I try to socially distance etc.

He is a younger relative if that makes a difference.

I just feel as if, with the end being sort of in sight with the vaccine becoming available, we should be extra careful for this one Christmas, but he just thinks it's silliness on my part.

How do I approach this? Do I speak to him again, say he has to socially distance and stick to the rules until Christmas or do I need to calm the fuck down?

The worst thing is I think he would lie about it. He is usually a really sensible man and works in a keyworker (if that is still a thing) role, but he just doesn't seem at all fazed by covid.

OP posts:
Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 12/12/2020 10:37

To save you appearing the baddy tell him one of you has a cough and sadly have to cancel his invite...
Do not feel bad op. He isn't considering your household so you need to.

Original poster
Covid19ohcovid19 · 12/12/2020 10:40

He isn't considering your household so you need to.

Omg yes, this is it. Thank you!

He would be so pissed off if I told him not to come, because he really wants to see the kids, but he doesn't seem arsed that he might make them sick. He has really changed recently. I am coming across as judgey, but I am a bit disappointed that he doesn't seem to care about anything other than his good time. It's so close to being over! I'm not doing much more than sticking to the rules. I don't think I'm obsessive or anything.

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SpnBaby1967 · 12/12/2020 11:08

He doesnt feel fazed by covid as he doesnt need to be, and the likelihood of your young children catching it is minuscule.

However, if you're not happy to have him in your home that is your right and your choice. Just man up and tell him you're too scared of the virus and his social life habits and therefore you dont want him to join you for Christmas. Maybe he can find a friend who has been visiting already who will have him.

Original poster
Covid19ohcovid19 · 12/12/2020 11:17

Really? So, do you think all the long covid etc has been overstated? I think any of us dying of it is very unlikely. But I think there is an area between death and no symptoms which I'd also prefer to avoid...

I guess the chances are he doesn't have it though. I just know some of the people he is mixing with themselves are not following the rules at all either. So, taken all together, I wonder if it's riskier.

OP posts:
Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 12/12/2020 11:18

Risk to dc is small agreed. But it's up to the op to risk that not a family member.. They don't get to play covid roulette with your dc...

Original poster
Covid19ohcovid19 · 12/12/2020 11:20

I guess, if just the kids caught it, they would probably be quite low risk. But then, obviously, the chances are, dh and I would also catch it and one of us might be sicker. We don't have anyone around to help look after dcs if that happens. Male relative wouldn't be able to.

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SpnBaby1967 · 12/12/2020 11:22

@Covid19ohcovid19

Really? So, do you think all the long covid etc has been overstated? I think any of us dying of it is very unlikely. But I think there is an area between death and no symptoms which I'd also prefer to avoid...

I guess the chances are he doesn't have it though. I just know some of the people he is mixing with themselves are not following the rules at all either. So, taken all together, I wonder if it's riskier.

Yes, I do think long covid has been understated.

But that isnt this, my point is irrelevant of what he thinks it is your choice whether you want him to spend xmas with you or not. But you need to be honest with him, tell him you're too scared of the virus and him socialising. Dont lie like a PP suggested.

Lemons1571 · 12/12/2020 11:23

He sounds like a twat. You’re hosting him, but he’d roll his eyes if you tried to socially distance? Sounds like an uncomfortable Christmas. I can well imagine him lying about being careful before Christmas too.

You’re going to have to be assertive here. It’s your house. You’re not comfortable with him acting outside of the tier 3 restrictions, so unfortunately your Christmas offer is revoked. What exactly can he do? And who gives a shit if he thinks you’re unreasonable!

Scottishskifun · 12/12/2020 11:26

Give him the choice either he stops and behaves or he isn't spending Christmas with you as you can't risk your families health the choice is his.

Original poster
Covid19ohcovid19 · 12/12/2020 11:28

Sorry, do you mean overstated or understated?

I agree, I don't think lying would be the best option. However, chances are one of the kids will get told to isolate anyway, the way things have been going at school! So we will see.

As for "manning up" as you put it, and just telling him not to come, well maybe, but all hell will break loose, with much dramatics about being left on his own at CHRISTMAS. Maybe the friend who has been throwing "small" house parties will have him, since neither of them seem bothered about catching it.

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Original poster
Covid19ohcovid19 · 12/12/2020 11:29

Sorry, x posted. That last post was to @SpnBaby1967.

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Original poster
Covid19ohcovid19 · 12/12/2020 11:31

I'll speak to DH. He has been quite quiet about the whole thing, but knows I've asked my relative to stick to the rules, just before he comes to stay.

Yes, I think my relative would lie about how careful he is being in the run up. He has been quite defensive and dismissive when I've mentioned it, very much making out that I'm being bonkers and OTT to even worry about it.

OP posts:
wasthataburp · 12/12/2020 11:36

Your obesity is far more risk to your health than whether he is or is not following rules. What do you plan to do about that more to the point

Original poster
Covid19ohcovid19 · 12/12/2020 11:40

@wasthataburp

Your obesity is far more risk to your health than whether he is or is not following rules. What do you plan to do about that more to the point
Well, obviously lose some weight Blush. I had no idea how much I'd gained this year. But is is unlikely that I will lose a great deal, between now and Christmas, as it is only two weeks away! I will do what I can obviously.
OP posts:
wasthataburp · 12/12/2020 11:41

I do realise that sounds harsh so sorry for that. But what I am trying to say is that is much more of a risk to you than your relative visiting. I think you should chill out a little and enjoy Xmas!

Original poster
Covid19ohcovid19 · 12/12/2020 11:44

Ah bless you @wasthataburp, don't worry at all! I know you're right and I'm not at all sensitive about hearing it.

Tbh, the more I think about it, the more I think it's his attitude. If he wasn't being such a prick about it, I'd probably feel less worried about him coming. If he was a bit more understanding and less self centred about it, we would have a more enjoyable day. I'm sort of stuck with him though. Ugh.

OP posts:
SpnBaby1967 · 12/12/2020 11:55

@Covid19ohcovid19

Sorry, x posted. That last post was to *@SpnBaby1967*.
Yes, that should be it has been overstated. Post viral illness is not new.

But I still think you should just tell him you dont want him and stop all this pussy footing and worrying. Your house, your rules. You dont need to feel guilty about that

Original poster
Covid19ohcovid19 · 12/12/2020 12:22

I would feel guilty leaving him alone at Christmas. I mean, he is a grown man in his thirties, despite him not acting like it sometimes, not a baby, but still.

I'll speak to DH and see if he has any strong feelings. I know he is hesitant about him staying over. We haven't had anyone in the house for many months! Let alone someone who is going to get truculent and snarky about being asked to socially distance.

Just read terrifying thread about C-19 bringing on T1 diabetes in children, so that's good news.

Feel like moving Christmas to summertime, when hopefully things are returning to normal, but know he would not be in any way understanding if we did that. My other relatives who live alone are staying alone for Christmas, but this one would hate that.

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Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 12/12/2020 12:24

Relative isn't a recluse. He can spend it with the ones he has been socialising with surely??
Better a grumpy relative than a sick dc.. Even mild covid would be scarey for all of you..

Original poster
Covid19ohcovid19 · 12/12/2020 12:25

No, certainly NOT a recluse. Worked full time throughout lockdown 1 & 2, in his place of work, not from home. Has a good group of friends who he sees a lot of. But he is short of family who can or will have him for Christmas. It's really just us.

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Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 12/12/2020 12:27

No laws says it has to be family at Xmas. He has prioritised his social activities over keeping his family safe for Xmas. Don't feel bad that now you choose to do the same for your dc..

Keepdistance · 12/12/2020 12:30

Depends on the t3 area.
Ours is now only 86/100 so quite low really.

But anyway 1% of schoolkids currently have it.
I would say you 4 are more risk to him than the other way round.
4 vs 1
2 of which are at school/preschool having personal care done/being listened to read. Not wearing masks. Probably going in shops with no masks

I think theres 4% chance one of you have if vs 1% of him?

Mintjulia · 12/12/2020 12:30

The various views on the risks of covid are irrelevant.

Your house, your rules. If he won't respect your wishes and keep to tier 3 rules for 10 days before visiting you, then he's not welcome.
He doesn't have the right to stress you out or risk your health. Just tell him you feel the need to spend Christmas, just you, dh and the dcs.

Pikachubaby · 12/12/2020 12:30

You can’t control another person

So many people try, it just leads to stress and anxiety

If the thought of him coming over causes you such prolonged and intense anxiety, and wanting to control his every move, you’d better just cancel

He can do what he wants/needs. And you can do what you want/need.

Invite him for Easter instead maybe?

Original poster
Covid19ohcovid19 · 12/12/2020 12:31

Again, I need to speak to DH, but if we do decide we would rather he didn't come, I will definitely try not to mention that it might be because of his actions. I'll say it's a me problem - I got fat and am overly anxious, so just humour me sort of thing.

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