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Original poster

Family member not sticking to the rules in his area

47 replies

Covid19ohcovid19 · 12/12/2020 10:34

We are hosting my relative for Christmas.

We aren't vulnerable, except that I am obese (bmi of 30). Just weighed myself for the first time in ages and discovered this.

He has been breaking the rules in the area he lives in, which is tier 3. I keep asking him just to stick to them, but keep being told I worry too much and "it's Christmas" etc. He has been going to small (he says) indoor gatherings and meeting people outdoors for walks, (that I don't mind so much tbf).

He is planning to come and sleep at our house for a few days. We have three young dcs (primary and preschool age), with no real family support.

Am I being OTT worrying about him coming? I wouldn't mind but I know he is just going to roll his eyes when I try to socially distance etc.

He is a younger relative if that makes a difference.

I just feel as if, with the end being sort of in sight with the vaccine becoming available, we should be extra careful for this one Christmas, but he just thinks it's silliness on my part.

How do I approach this? Do I speak to him again, say he has to socially distance and stick to the rules until Christmas or do I need to calm the fuck down?

The worst thing is I think he would lie about it. He is usually a really sensible man and works in a keyworker (if that is still a thing) role, but he just doesn't seem at all fazed by covid.

OP posts:

Orangeblossom77777 · 12/12/2020 17:10

Maybe you don't need to explain. Just do what makes you happy. Aside from covid. You could always say some symptoms came up if you wanted an excuse though..

SufferingFromLongLockdown · 12/12/2020 17:33

I think if you didn't have children in school it would be a different matter. Yes, his socialising puts him at increased risk, but the amount of increase for you with children in school is much less than if you didn't, especially if you could trust him to stay away, or go home of he started to feel unwell.

How would you feel if he worked in a job where he couldn't distance?

Original poster

Covid19ohcovid19 · 12/12/2020 17:59

Yeah, I think it's his attitude has really annoyed me. Knowing how little of a shit he gives, it means I can't trust him to make any effort to keep his distance when he's here. If he was working in a covid ward or something like that, I imagine he probably would be sensible enough not to want to come at all, or to keep a safe distance away. As it is, I expect he'll be rolling his eyes at any attempt to maintain some sort of social distance.

No, I don't trust him to tell me if he detects symptoms either. He has honestly shown himself to care so little about catching or spreading it, when we've discussed it. He seems to be of the "let them catch it and if some old people die, ap what?" school of thought on it. It is embarrassing. He is an educated man ffs!

OP posts:

Original poster

Covid19ohcovid19 · 12/12/2020 18:03

So what*

Don't know what happened there.

OP posts:

Original poster

Covid19ohcovid19 · 13/12/2020 10:18

Hi again

So, I think what we're going to do is that next time I speak to him, I'm going to explain that if I find out he is still breaking the rules over the next couple of weeks, then he won't be coming here for Christmas. Also going to explain that just because it's Christmas it doesn't mean that if one of us has to isolate or have a covid test, that we're just going to ignore that so he can come and have his knees up.

He said we could be his support bubble, so we wouldn't have to distance and I was . He must have about 6 support bubbles at this point!

Anyway, I know I sound a right joyless arse here, but he really has previous for acting like a dick when it comes to visiting us. He feels as if it's his entitlement to come here and is really disrespectful. There's a huge history and it's complicated, but I think I need to be assertive and just weather the storm if he kicks off. Need to explain that this isn't a normal Christmas.

Thanks for all the advice so far.

OP posts:

goldenlilliesdaffodillies · 13/12/2020 10:32

Personally I would say that this year you can't host him for Christmas. We all have choices in life and he has chosen to prioritise socialising over your family's health and there are consequences to his actions. You are not obliged to have this person for Christmas. We've had to do this for a family member. I am posting them a box of Christmas food.

Original poster

Covid19ohcovid19 · 13/12/2020 10:44

I know why you'd say that. How did it go down with your relative?

This one would honestly go bananas and probably cry, scream and yell. Honestly, regardless of anything else, I feel like saying I'm never hosting him again here after this. Every time he comes he is an asshole in some way. But he loves coming so much and the dcs love him. Or one of them does. The others don't really pay him much attention as they are so little.

OP posts:

goldenlilliesdaffodillies · 13/12/2020 12:59

Unfortunately our relative is extremely difficult. He's been coming to us for the past 20 years and ruined last Christmas for my children. The relative isn't happy about it but has sort of accepted it (after lots and lots of drip feeding and explanations). He seems to think that DH will drive a couple of hundred miles to go for a walk with him at Christmas, but this isn't going to happen. There are other nearer relatives to him, but they won't have him either because is behaviour is so appalling.

Original poster

Covid19ohcovid19 · 13/12/2020 13:11

He sounds very similar to mine! Although, wonder if your relative might be older, while mine is younger than I am. He has no inkling that him being hosted for Christmas might be in any way inconvenient for us! He just thinks "I have a lovely time when I go there, so i want to come again". If we say "not this weekend" for example, he has a complete fit. Sigh.

OP posts:

user1493494961 · 13/12/2020 13:24

I wouldn't have him, he'll get over it.

Original poster

Covid19ohcovid19 · 13/12/2020 13:33

I think I'll say to him that he needs to stick to the rules and even then, he needs to be prepared for us not being able to have him at Christmas. If one of us gets symptoms or gets told to isolate for example. Also, I'm going to keep an eye on the news etc and if the hospitals are really struggling round here etc and if the message from government is strongly along the, "just because you can doesn't mean you have to" lines, then we might decide that he shouldn't come anyway. I'd like to think he's sensible enough to get that.

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Original poster

Covid19ohcovid19 · 13/12/2020 13:48

And if he feels I am trying to control him or being judgemental, well, he doesn't have to come here. Then he can do whatever the fuck he likes. In fact, covid or no covid, I would rather not have him as a houseguest ever. He is a rude and awful house guest. I do love him btw, but don't always like him. Yes, that cliché! We can have a really good laugh, but that doesn't translate to wanting him sleeping in my house and being waited on.

Think I probably needed to post this in relationships tbh. Might ask MNHQ to move.

OP posts:

MadameBlobby · 13/12/2020 13:50

He’s a selfish sod, I’d cancel.

whatswithtodaytoday · 13/12/2020 13:58

He sounds like a dick, I would be grateful to have the excuse to say he can't come this year. Realistically your children are probably more of a risk to him than he is to them, but I doubt he's going to stop mixing before Christmas so just tell him no.

Long Covid is real, and seems to most affect women in their 30s and 40s with higher BMIs. I'm 39 with a BMI over 30 and I'm certainly worried about it. Before Covid I knew one person my age who'd suffered post-viral illness. Now I know three more, in one year. They are all recovering, but slowly. I intend to carry on being very careful, and hopefully get my stupid brain in gear to lose weight soon.

Original poster

Covid19ohcovid19 · 13/12/2020 14:05

@whatswithtodaytoday, yes, I'm also late 30s! It isn't that I think it's certain death for me, it's the other stuff that worries me.

I'm attempting to lose weight now. Worked out I've gained 2 and a half stone in two years. Going from normal BMI to obese! One of those stones must have been this year. I'm doing the "No S Diet", which I've tried before and found manageable and quite effective.

OP posts:

goldenlilliesdaffodillies · 14/12/2020 08:02

OP- yes my relative has a similar attitude but is in his 60's. When he comes he expects to be waited on, doesn't lift a fingers, causes massive upset which he is oblivious too (and I have spoken to him at length, but he can't see how his inappropriate behaviour affects others). He has a lovely time but ruins it for everyone else.
In your shoes I would just say he can't come this year because of Covid.

ScrapThatThen · 14/12/2020 08:31

He'll ridicule you and lie to you. He's a grown man and can handle his own feelings. 'I'm retracting your invitation because we have different approaches to risk - hope you enjoy yourself, see you in 2021'.

Original poster

Covid19ohcovid19 · 14/12/2020 08:43

I think he doesn't have any other offers, which would make me feel bad to leave him on his own.

He is being such a twat though. I have said to him that he needs to be prepared to not come if any of us has to isolate for example and that I'm keeping an eye on the news in our area as hospitals are getting overwhelmed already.

In other news, I think my scales were off and I'm technically not obese. 'Just' very overweight (29.8 bmi)! I'm still dieting to get me away from that whole obesity border area, but this does make me a feel a teeny bit better.

OP posts:

SpnBaby1967 · 14/12/2020 08:45

@Covid19ohcovid19

Think I probably needed to post this in relationships tbh. Might ask MNHQ to move.

As someone who had to physically eject my 23 year old brother from my house one christmas (and later call the Police) I totally get why you wouldnt want your relative there.

But I still stand by that pussy footing around and making untrue excuses is not the way to go. You need to tell him straight, you're worried about covid (and whether he thinks you're overreacting or not is irrelevant here) and you have kids in school who are a risk to him as well and frankly it's your house, your rules. If he cant respect that I'd be rethinking your relationship as I did with my brother.

Hayeahnobut · 14/12/2020 08:49

You know transmission rates in some T3 areas are very low? Ours is below the national average, the only small area with a higher rate is a prison!

Use some common sense. Children being at school is far more likely to cause transmission than a few friends meeting in a low rate area.

Original poster

Covid19ohcovid19 · 14/12/2020 09:22

If he wasn't such a difficult houseguest, I probably wouldn't be so concerned. It's like; it is never much fun hosting him anyway. Add to that the added risk of having another person in the house for two nights. Add to that the fact that he will be even more difficult because he thinks social distancing is so uptight and I honestly don't want him here. It is purely guilt if I uninvited him which makes me hesitate.

I don't think I need to cut him out of my life, but I don't want to host him. He isn't good with boundaries at all. He thinks it's endearing. Wacky Uncle Dickhead. It really isn't. He is mid thirties. Grow up.

Sorry, I'm being mean. Having a small vent. I did ask MN if this would be better in Relationships but don't think they've moved it.

OP posts:

goldenlilliesdaffodillies · 14/12/2020 15:10

You are not being mean. I really get it! His wants and wishes are not more important than yours! As an adult he really needs to understand that this year is different for millions of people and he can't come to your house. It is not your fault that it is a global pandemic. Why not suggest having a zoom party or chat on Christmas Day or at the most a socially distanced walk at some point over the festive season?

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