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Covid

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Original poster

So sad, but right decision about Xmas

66 replies

DirtyDancing · 09/12/2020 22:07

Feeling awful in my heart but relief in my head.
My Mum who is on her own, in her 70s and incredibly close to her 2 young Grandchildren won’t be coming for Xmas.

We’ve had a lot of family tragedy over the years. My kids and I are all she has. But, after a big heart to heart, she’s staying at home for Xmas.

We’ve had a bad outbreak at the school this week, (fully shut) and she would need to travel between tiers on public transport. We will not take the risk.

What a shit bloody year. We lost her brother and uncle to covid and now we can’t be together.

OP posts:

Defenbaker · 09/12/2020 22:53

You decided together that it's too much of a risk, so don't second guess yourself. It would be different if none of the vaccine trials had been successful, but with the first vaccine rolling out and more on the way, it would be such a shame for your mum to fall at the last hurdle. In a few weeks chances are she will have received the vaccine and that will be the time to see her for a family get together. Christmas day is just that - one day.

We will be paying a brief visit to MIL (86) on Christmas day, but will be wearing masks and keeping SD. Luckily she's just a 20 min drive away, so it's doable, but she doesn't want to risk spending the day with us because none of us fancy sitting indoors with masks on for hours, or with the windows wide open and coats on - it wouldn't be relaxing. Once she has been vaccinated we'll have her over for a meal and make a fuss of her. I think spring vaccination celebrations will probably be happening in many households.

Original poster

DirtyDancing · 09/12/2020 22:54

Sorry to hear all those who have come to the same conclusion. For those on their own, for those worrying about people who are on their own. It’s just heartbreaking. But the point is, she has stuck to the rules. She has been SO careful. She said: just because I can, does not mean I should. She’s clever my Mum! I speak to her ever day, I am NOT loosing her to thing bloody virus.

OP posts:

BestOption · 09/12/2020 23:09

Your Mum sounds great.

I think she's made the right decision, I hope many more do the same, the death toll in Jan/Feb is going to be awful 😢

I'm going no where near my 93 yo Great Uncle - he is healthy - has no known issues/takes no medication, he maintains his own 3bdrm house, cooks, cleans, does his own laundry & looks after the garden. He still drives, very well. I'm happy to be a passenger.

But he's still 93 & I'll drop off shopping, collect anything he needs etc, but I keep my distance (and it's sad because we're normally very huggy)

Unfortunately my cousins aren't so careful and are taking him up to theirs for the Christmas period (several days)
3 sons, 3 DIL, 8 Grandchildren, 2 great grandchildren - I'm very worried, but nothing I can do 😢

I'll be all on my own. I'm not seeing my 'bloke' as I'm vulnerable & his exposure is high. I've cancelled with the friends I usually spend Christmas with (they & their kids all at/working in schools) - we are having a NZ Christmas next summer. We will get together outside at Easter.

We can wait, the vaccine is on its way, spring /summer will be here quickly.

Your mum is right

*just because you can, doesn't mean you should'

boon · 09/12/2020 23:12

We are doing the same. You're not alone xx

Natsel84 · 09/12/2020 23:14

You've made the right decision

womanthatfelltoearth · 09/12/2020 23:16

Another doing the same. We had planned to travel to see my DM. It's all a bit shit. But we've got this far so hopefully not much longer...

YesThisIsMe · 09/12/2020 23:19

This will be the third Christmas out of the last thirty that we haven’t seen my DPILs. One year they were snowed in, one year they were mid-chemo, and this year they’re definitely not prepared to come down here.

We wait until February half term. We buy a cheap box of crackers in the Boxing Day sales, we order a turkey from the butchers, we exchange presents, watch a Bond film on the telly and drink too much red wine. It’s fine.

Worse because your DM is on her own of course, so your plans of Skyping through the Queen’s Speech or whatever are very thoughtful.

Barmyfarmy · 09/12/2020 23:20

So many people are taking stupid risks for one day of the year. Your DM will be okay by herself, maybe you could arrange to have flowers or something nice sent to her to cheer her up?
Hopefully when things are safe you'll be able to have a lovely day with her and your children knowing you've made the right choice. Better to be safe than sorry with those we love.

Hope you and your family have a lovely Christmas, OP

scubadive · 09/12/2020 23:28

@BlackeyedSusan That is a great idea. I havnt seen my mum and sister since last Feb. My mum is waiting fir a vaccine, she comes every Xmas and we had such a great time last xmas I am so sad she can’t come this year.

But I will now plan a belated Xmas at Feb half term or Easter!

CantBeAssed · 09/12/2020 23:29

Same decision here...my mum has been so careful...im not going to take risk for one day, i would never forgive myself if she caught it through me or my kids...

shinynewapple2020 · 09/12/2020 23:37

As long as it's her decision made with all the facts to hand then you are right to abide by it .

ponygirlcurtis · 09/12/2020 23:38

Same here, not taking the risk for one day. We have been so careful and stuck to the rules all year.

Getitdonesharpish · 09/12/2020 23:38

Same decision here. My Mum was actually relieved that I voiced my concerns. Just seemed insane. Our schools are rife with Covid. It would be bonkers.

Someone unthread mentioned that it should be your Mum’s decision. I actually disagree. Whilst it’s important that everyone makes decisions as to their own risk, it would be you living with the consequences of her catching Covid.

Serin · 09/12/2020 23:40

The best Christmas present you can have is to know that your loved ones are safe. There is a little star shining at the end of this awful tunnel now OP.

daisypond · 09/12/2020 23:47

I’m doing the same. I haven’t seen her since February.

QueenOfTheDoubleWide · 09/12/2020 23:51

We are the same here. My mum and ILs are all around 90 and vulnerable so the risk of seeing them is too high, especially this close to the vaccine being rolled out.
We also have the issue of not being able to see all our children as, even without the oldies, we would have too many households. Luckily two of them plan to be with their in-laws as I would never be able to make that decision

Inkpaperstars · 10/12/2020 00:11

Same decision very likely here.

I think your DM has made the right choice. There is no way you can be confident you and the children don't have it, unless you all isolate completely for two weeks before xmas, and even then it sounds like there are a lot of other concerns.

Some people can't seem to get it into their heads that this isn't a normal christmas and the normal lengths we go to in preventing people being alone at Christmas just don't apply. It's one or two days, random days really, when vaccination is around the corner. Please stop risking lives for one day. All the elderly people I know, and I know lots, are not of the 'live for today' mindset on this, they don't want to risk catching Covid when they are likely to be vaccinated very soon.

There will be many people alone this xmas, and this year more than usual of them will be lucky enough to know that they are only alone because of exceptional circumstances, and because they value their own survival, and their loved ones want to protect them too. They have friends or families who love and will be wishing they could be with them, and knowing that will be a comfort, as will looking forward to the time approaching when they can be together with less risk.

KarmaNoMore · 10/12/2020 00:18

It is shit, I agree but it is much worse to risk them. My grandmother passed from Covid, my parents were shielding for months, and it only took a visit from a relative as it was my dad’s birthday for both my parents to come down with it.

The relative was asymptomatic, my parents went down the hill very quickly and we had 3 horrendous weeks when we didn’t know if they were going to make it to the next day. They are still on oxygen after 6 weeks.

I would rather not spend Christmas with them again than go through all that suffering again.

SeaToSki · 10/12/2020 00:24

We are doing the same. My parents are doing an Xmas picnic with just the two of them. DM is determined to manage a folding table and chairs and a white tablecloth. I have sent a hamper of goodies for their lunch, DSis has sent bubbles. All of us children with grandchildren are staying away until the vaccine. We are celebrating all together at Febmas or Marchmas depending on how quickly it all settles down

Bikingbear · 10/12/2020 00:28

Oh bless her.

How IT literate is she, could you do zoom / skype / facetime?
Any games you could play or kids could play with her online?

Definitely get a big Easter planned.

Lalliella · 10/12/2020 00:29

I couldn’t leave my mum on her own on Christmas Day. She’d rather take the risk than be on her own. But I guess not everyone’s circumstances are the same.

Nancydrawn · 10/12/2020 00:34

It is the right decision, OP. It's hard, but it will be so much better for you all not to have the worry hanging over your head. If you both have Amazon on a computer/ipad, you can even do a watch party, where you watch things simultaneously.

The other end of the spectrum is the part where you have to convince parents to stay away--or tell them that you can't see them. I found this sketch from last week's Saturday Night Live a gently funny and very, very true for many of my friends.

Boysarebackintown · 10/12/2020 00:35

Same here, except it’s my dad. He’s 83 in ok health although did have cancer last year, surgery but opted for no chemo. I have dc at uni and school. We / he does not want to risk it.
It’s so sad OP, but you want your mum to be healthy. Just hoping it all goes away over next few months.

Nancydrawn · 10/12/2020 00:37

I will also say, my view is coloured by living in the States. Since Thanksgiving at the end of November, where many families gathered together for a meal, cases have been absolutely skyrocketing. We've had 200,000+ cases per day, every day, for the past week, and it's going to start hitting the hospitals soon. The CDC has told everyone to stay home for Christmas, worrying that another mass gathering event is going to spread things beyond all capacity.

Invisiblewoman1 · 10/12/2020 04:55

I think you and your mum have made the right decision.

I have made decision to be alone this Christmas. I have asthma and live alone and work from home. To suddenly mix with all my nieces and nephews etc seems too risky. My parents have made the choice to be with their grandchildren for Christmas regardless. None of my family follow the guidelines very well. So it’s safer for me to be alone. And, hopefully, much like your mum although it’s sad I am also looking forward to it. It’s given a rare opportunity for it to be acceptable to be alone for Christmas. I’ve planned food and drink That I wouldn’t normally have. I’m sure I will have a cry on Christmas Day as having now spent over 9 months alone it will emphasise how alone I am. But health is more important than one day.

Some of my friends are quarantining for two weeks prior to Christmas in order to see relatives - pulling their children out of school and nursery etc which is brilliant if able to do so

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