What to do about my mum?

[FiddleyDoo]

Hi,

Mum is 72, and a very robust 72 - active, no underlying health issues. She lives over 200 miles away, and I've not seen her since the start of the year. My sister is abroad, so she's not really seen anybody, as mum lives alone. I've not been able to travel to see her due to lockdown, and then various work commitments for DH over the summer meant we stayed where we were.

We came to an agreement a month or so ago that she would travel to us in December, and stay for a while, at least a month or so. She hates cold weather, and it can get really cold and icy where she is, and it's quite rural so more difficult to get about. We agreed that I would collect her one weekend and take her back. But I'm a teacher, and there have been cases at school. I've not had to isolate (apart from when my kids got a cough) and I don't know anybody personally who tested positive. Now I'm starting to worry that I'm putting her at risk. There's only a week of school left after I collect her. I also have primary age DC, so there is a risk in her coming.

I'm really torn. Of course I don't want her to get ill, but I'm also worried about her mental health being on her own for this long. I sense a change in her, she's getting a bit more forgetful, a bit more vague about things and sounds depressed. So although physically she's strong for her age, mentally, I don't think she's that great. If she did get sick while with us, we're far better placed to get her tested quickly, and to look after her, whereas if she caught it where she is, she'd be mostly alone.

If she stayed at hers, she'd visit her brother for Christmas, and his adult kids - one teacher, one care home staff, plus their school age children - so that would be a risk too. We can't travel to her, DH has work commitments right throughout Christmas. We're not planning to see anybody or do anything out of the home, apart from parks and things. We're Tier 2 (London) and she's tier 2 in the north.

I'm just so torn. Physically, she's safer where she is, mentally she's better with us. She says she wants to come. Other travel option is she gets a train, and I collect her at this end. But that would still mean two modes of public transport for her, and then sitting in a car right next to me for over an hour.

Sorry for the essay. It's actually helped a bit to just write it down. I don't know what to do. I worry that my thought s are being affected by reading the most scaremongering stuff, which I really need to stop doing. I hate that there's kind of no best option.

I think you should ask her what she wants to do. Let her make the decision

Op, it's her descion, you should do what she wants.

Personally I'd be terribly hurt if I was desperate to see my family and they did actually want to see me too but were deciding things for me!
I'd become paranoid that actually they didn't want to see me really....

Please let her make that call.

Are you in Tier 1? In Tier 2 and above you can't mix indoors anyway (apart from Christmas). As she's over 70 she will be getting the vaccine pretty soon.

Are you in Tier 1? In Tier 2 and above you can't mix indoors anyway (apart from Christmas). As she's over 70 she will be getting the vaccine pretty soon.

As OP's dm lives alone she can join them as a support bubble surely?

I think if she wants to come then have her. She'll be aware of the risk of infection but mental health problems seem more real and immediate.

I got covid from school in March (I'm pretty sure, no tests), I isolated from my family, didn't touch them, used one bathroom, no one else got it. At our school of 1300 kids we've had cases but it doesn't seem to have spread, take all the washing hands precautions, maybe limit touching her. It seems like some people spread it to everyone but most people don't spread it too much.

I agree with the pp's, let her decide whether she wants to take the risk. She must be absolutely miserable on her own.

You invite her and she decides what she wants to do. Have you asked her to come and stay at all this year?

Yes, she lives alone so we would be in a bubble. She's not bubbled with anyone else at any point, and only spoken to people if she's bumped into them in the street. We didn't see her in the summer as back then, she wanted to keep herself to herself, didn't want to travel to us, and didn't want us to travel to her.

I need to stop reading the news. I'm not worried about my own safety, but I am for other people. All that kiss your granny and she might die stuff has been playing on my mind. Logically I know she'll be fine statistically, it's just my brain isn't always dealing well with this.

I'll speak to her tomorrow, explain fully how things are at my and the kids schools, and let her decide.

Identical dilemma here. I've seen my mother age noticeably this year and become just as you describe, including some kind of depressive crisis in the summer. We decided it is a risk worth taking even though I have a child finishing school just before she arrives. Once I was decided I asked her outright and noted I wouldn't be offended if she didnt want to come, but she'd be welcome. She noted she is over 80, misses everyone terribly, and wants to take the risk. We agreed at any time of any of us feel too anxious/change our mind, she'll stay put. The idea that the only.option is to lock older relatives away and keep them alive doesn't really work for.my family, having seen how.lonely and down my mother has become. She might get it and be ok.as.like yours, she is in good health,. She might not get it. At any time any of us could get it, or be track/traced and have to go to Plan B... And being blunt she could get it and die. We've talked frankly about that. It seems to be a very unpopular view but on balance we're going to take the risk. I note many people ranting in the media about what madness it is to see an elderly.relative at Xmas do not live alone. I would have a frank discussion and encourage her to try to really nail down what she wants. You are more than capable of making an informed choice. Life carries risk. Good luck.

Why can’t they just move to remote learning for an extra week. It’s heartbreaking the choices people are having to make. Don’t know what I would do but wish you good luck with your decisions.
Maybe if you go ahead try and act like you’ve got it - ie masks and ventilation in car. Socially distanced and ventilation as much as possible. Keep antibacterial spray in bathroom and spray down after use, etc. If you lower any potential viral load it could make a difference if you were unwittingly infectious.

I just can’t understand why the government won’t slash the risks to loved ones with early school closures.
After all our teachers have done this term it’s such a smack in the face.

I think in some ways it makes it easier that there is no "no risk" option given that your mother will go to your brother's if she doesn't come to you. I would say (a) be prepared to delay fetching your mother if it becomes apparent that case numbers at your school are on the rise: and (b) have windows partially open when driving back with your mother, given that a car is such a confined space.

If it makes you feel any better, my parent is coming up 79 and works in a school classroom as a TA. Their choice to continue, right through all this. I spelt out the risks to them, then left them to their own decision.

I’d let her make the decision. If you’ve clearly spelt out the risks to her, then you have nothing to reproach yourself for.

It's so difficult isn't it? But I would let her make the decision for herself. A year is a long time to be so socially isolated and if you wait for a vaccine that's how long she will have been alone for and Christmas is a fucker anyway.

The risks are real but although her age is against her, covid isn't necessarily a death sentence if she did get it, obviously you can only cross your fingers and hope but the risks to her mental health are also very high too.

I think let her decide. Or if you’re really worried delay this visit until kids have been off school 5 days and then let her stay longer after Christmas?

We have similar with my parents and in-laws it worked well to see them in July and August when the risks were low and we’d all just come out of months of lockdown. I know you said you couldn’t see her then though.

I agree with pp. I work in a primary school and my DS is NHS. Sadly, I lost my Mum 7 years ago but my Dad was 74 yesterday. He is the most mentally sound person I know, he doesn't let anything get to him. When I spoke to him last night he said he'd been to central London because this sitting at home was driving him mad. He goes to the gym and cycles everywhere. He's married so not living alone, but if he was I'd have moved him in with me ages ago, regardless of the risk. We had covid in March, my DH was hospitalised and a few weeks after he came out my MIL had a stroke. She's at home now but still not great. I won't be seeing his family at all this year because it's not worth the risk (my DH will visit them and has done throughout) I will be seeing my Dad in a couple of weeks and I can't wait! If your Mum is healthy and of sound mind, let her come to you.

I agree with others. Explain the concerns you have. Make sure you also say how much you want to see her. If is her risk to manage. And yes, tune out of the news a little if you can.

Well, she's coming. We had a chat yesterday, and she's decided to come. She knows the risks. We're going to make sure our activities and behaviour are as safe as possible - only outdoor trips out, avoiding shopping centres, but we'd have done that anyway. I'll be on hyper alert at work and ultra careful with washing hands and trying to keep distance as best I can. DH's work is either at home or in a very empty office, so as safe as it gets. Our kids we obviously can't control when they're at school, but I've told them not to get into bed with her for the first few days, as they usually would. Although my school has had a handful of cases, most of the isolations are due to contact rather than them being positive cases.

My dad died suddenly a couple of years ago, so I suppose that's playing on everybody's mind. She wants to enjoy her life, and we want her to. Statistics are probably on her side if she does get it. We just have to do the best we can. We can't control everything, but her mental health is the definite problem, Covid won't definitely happen to us.

That's great news OP, enjoy

I've left it to both sets of grandparents (my mom and my husband's parents) and neither of them will see me as I'm a teacher and covid is absolutely rife where I work. Half the school is isolating currently and it's spread like wildfire. I'm glad you're seeing her

In exactly the same position as you, but I’m nhs. My dm is coming too, unless any of us have to isolate.

I feel exactly the same as you.

Update - she's here now, arrived a few days ago. And they've been some of the most stressful days of my life. We made sure right at the last minute that she wanted to come. But I can't relax. I'm paranoid about everything. My kids are obviously excited to see her, and I keep having to remind them to give her at least a bit of space. We've done everything we can - given her her own bathroom, I'm wiping everything. But I won't relax until we've all been out of our respective schools for a few days. My last day is Thursday, my children finish on Friday, DH is mostly at home anyway, so low risk.

Added to this, she's very clearly aged this year. Mentally and physically, it seems. Maybe that makes it all the more important that she's here. But this year has very clearly taken a toll.

I just hope we all get through Christmas healthy. My anxiety seems to be at a level I've never experienced.

My mum is 73 ex cancer survivor- still wanted to look after my kids nursery / primary / secondary) and I let her - it's her decision.

She did get COVID but it could have been from Sainsbury's / the bus etc who knows

Anyway she was poorly for 2 weeks but not serious at all

Glad she is with you now - no way I'd leave my mum alone due to covid

I am glad she's with us. Hopefully I'll relax eventually. But I don't think I'll be fully relaxed until she's had her vaccine. She never gets a flu jab, thinks she's invincible. So that's the next battle!

Cases were low here when we started planning for this. Now they're rising quite quickly. We'll just have to keep ourselves as contained as possible and hope for the best.

I hate this year. I'm scared about my mum hugging my children. Never thought I'd say that.

@FiddleyDoo

I just know I’m going to feel the same as you, I can sense it already when I think about my dm coming.

When I last saw my dm a few months ago I thought she had aged massively too, it was shocking. She used to keep very busy and active but a lot has stopped since March, including helping us with our dcs. I thought we’d done the best thing not seeing her to protect her but it’s such a nightmare decision.

I hope you manage to relax a bit and enjoy your Christmas.

I'm glad she is with you. Sorry to hear that she aged this year. Can you dose her up on vitamin and mineral supplements? Particularly Vitamin D with K2 and B complex. My dad became forgetful. He had a good GP who prescribed high dose B12 and other B vitamins. We saw a noticeable difference in just a couple of weeks and after about a year, the forgetfulness was reversed and he was sharper than he had been in years.