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Original poster

What to do about my mum?

45 replies

FiddleyDoo · 04/12/2020 13:01

Hi,

Mum is 72, and a very robust 72 - active, no underlying health issues. She lives over 200 miles away, and I've not seen her since the start of the year. My sister is abroad, so she's not really seen anybody, as mum lives alone. I've not been able to travel to see her due to lockdown, and then various work commitments for DH over the summer meant we stayed where we were.

We came to an agreement a month or so ago that she would travel to us in December, and stay for a while, at least a month or so. She hates cold weather, and it can get really cold and icy where she is, and it's quite rural so more difficult to get about. We agreed that I would collect her one weekend and take her back. But I'm a teacher, and there have been cases at school. I've not had to isolate (apart from when my kids got a cough) and I don't know anybody personally who tested positive. Now I'm starting to worry that I'm putting her at risk. There's only a week of school left after I collect her. I also have primary age DC, so there is a risk in her coming.

I'm really torn. Of course I don't want her to get ill, but I'm also worried about her mental health being on her own for this long. I sense a change in her, she's getting a bit more forgetful, a bit more vague about things and sounds depressed. So although physically she's strong for her age, mentally, I don't think she's that great. If she did get sick while with us, we're far better placed to get her tested quickly, and to look after her, whereas if she caught it where she is, she'd be mostly alone.

If she stayed at hers, she'd visit her brother for Christmas, and his adult kids - one teacher, one care home staff, plus their school age children - so that would be a risk too. We can't travel to her, DH has work commitments right throughout Christmas. We're not planning to see anybody or do anything out of the home, apart from parks and things. We're Tier 2 (London) and she's tier 2 in the north.

I'm just so torn. Physically, she's safer where she is, mentally she's better with us. She says she wants to come. Other travel option is she gets a train, and I collect her at this end. But that would still mean two modes of public transport for her, and then sitting in a car right next to me for over an hour.

Sorry for the essay. It's actually helped a bit to just write it down. I don't know what to do. I worry that my thought s are being affected by reading the most scaremongering stuff, which I really need to stop doing. I hate that there's kind of no best option.

OP posts:

NotAKaren · 13/12/2020 20:50

This is good to hear OP. Like you I am concerned for my DPs and MIL who have become noticeably anxious and depressed recently. They are just hanging on every news bulletin waiting to hear that they can have the vaccine and that it's all over. It's so difficult but I think that on balance if they are mentally declining due to isolating then it is worth the risk to have them with you for Christmas.

Feedingthebirds1 · 13/12/2020 21:01

But I can't relax. I'm paranoid about everything.

I know it's easier said than done, but try to let go. Your stress levels WILL be coming across, not just to your DCs but to your mum too, and then they won't be able to relax and enjoy their time together either. Your mum may even wonder whether she should have come if that's the effect it's having on you. She wanted to come, let her enjoy it. I'm not saying ignore the rules, but keep it to that level, don't make up a whole lot more rules for yourself and your family.

Original poster

FiddleyDoo · 19/12/2020 09:26

Update - this is really, really stressful, and I wish we'd not done it. I honestly thought I was doing the best for my mum. I was wrong. Cases have absolutely exploded here in the last fortnight. I did tell her this last week to give her the chance to not come before I collected her, but she still wanted to come. We were both wrong. She hates being here. She's terrified to even go for a walk. I wish we'd left her where she was. Cases are increasing there, but not to the same level. She's complaining that I forced her, that she didn't get a choice. I said above she seemed to have aged a lot this year, this could just be a sign of that.

She wants to leave ASAP. We're now no longer going anywhere or seeing anyone, so in a few days we'll be clear of having picked anything up at our schools. And although she struggles in the winter alone, I think she should go back before school returns and we are all exposed to germs again.

If you're reading this and still undecided on what to do about your older relatives, please do think hard. I now honestly believe she'd have been better off at her home alone. A few weeks ago I thought differently. Obviously all situations are different, but please think hard.

OP posts:

SilverGlitterBaubles · 19/12/2020 09:43

Sounds tricky OP but you are where you are now and if you can try to make the most of it. Perhaps if your DM sees you relax then she will too. The Christmas holiday period should be a lot quieter and calmer when hopefully she will be willing to get out for a walk. I find sometimes being at home watching/ listening to news makes me feel like everything outside is so awful and I feel 100 times better when I get out for a walk to see actually things are actually ok.

UntamedWisteria · 19/12/2020 09:48

Oh dear OP, sorry to read this.

Would it help the situation to get some of those quick tests that the family can do, for reassurance.

Also drive to more remote areas where you can go for walks without the chance of seeing other people?

Watch some nice TV together on Netflix, encourage her to do some Christmas baking etc ...

Watermelon888 · 19/12/2020 10:08

@FiddleyDoo

Sorry to hear that, what is it she particularly hates? Are you SE?

Original poster

FiddleyDoo · 19/12/2020 11:22

Yes, we're SE. This "mutant strain" has freaked her out a bit I think.

I'm not sure what the main issue is. She feels a bit trapped but she doesn't want to go out. I've suggested the woods (too dark) and the park (too muddy), maybe I'll suggest the beach, although the nearest one to us is in the area with the highest infection rates in England!

I've planned all sorts of stuff, online theatre, saved loads of TV, kids Christmas party, lovely dinners, all sorts of things to distract us from the fact that we're living in an utter shitshow of a year. Hopefully it'll get better, and if she goes back earlier than we'd planned, so be it. She won't have been on her own for Christmas, and hopefully won't have picked up anything as we're going nowhere and seeing nobody now.

I thought about trying to get hold of some tests, but I don't think that would really help matters. There is an area sort of on the way to hers that I think is running them (Merseyside have them I think?) so maybe we'll take a detour when taking her back to reassure her.

OP posts:

UntamedWisteria · 19/12/2020 11:26

I think the lateral flow tests are easy to order online.

We had some at work.

Watermelon888 · 19/12/2020 12:56

Perhaps she’s just got used to her own environment and is used to it being quiet? Or perhaps she’s worried about the close contact. It sounds stressful.

We are all having a quiet few days before my dm comes to us. Tbh I’m dreading it going the same way.

Original poster

FiddleyDoo · 19/12/2020 15:13

And now with this likely new tier, things have just got worse. I don't know what to do anymore. Should we get her back ASAP? Will that be allowed? I just don't know. I wish we'd never done this. I'm not coping well.

OP posts:

SillyOldMummy · 19/12/2020 15:21

I am sure you would be allowed to drive her home - she has no other way of getting her home safely and they can't insist people have to house relatives, leaving people stranded miles from their own homes and tell them to stay locked down for potentially months.

Just think - what would Dominic Cummings do? He would say there is ALWAYS a common-sense override to whatever guidelines are created.

In the meantime do all the fun things you possibly can, stop worrying - give your head a wobble every time you feel anxious - because who knows when you will get to see your mum again?

And, OP, no regrets. You made a tough choice - it was the right choice at that moment in time for the right reasons.

Merry Christmas, xx

Original poster

FiddleyDoo · 19/12/2020 16:45

So, no travel outside tier 4 allowed. So she's stuck here?

Surely it would be acceptable for her to travel back before schools start again? She's at risk of catching this once we return, and although generally healthy, is at risk of complications due to age. We're now going nowhere, food deliveries are booked. So if we don't get sick in the next few days, we can't pass it on if we just do a straight journey surely?

OP posts:

Original poster

FiddleyDoo · 19/12/2020 16:48

I regret having her here so much. I feel so so guilty and worried I've signed her death warrant. I know I'm being melodramatic but I feel on the edge of a breakdown over all this.

OP posts:

TheSpottedZebra · 19/12/2020 17:15

Oh OP, poor you. I've not read all the thread, just the first few and all your posts.
Go back and read your first 3 posts. She wanted to come, she decided. There was no perfect option.

Yes maybe plan to get her home before schools are back, and hunker down as much as possible before that. And really try to enjoy your time together.

baublesbaubleseverywhere · 19/12/2020 17:27

@FiddleyDoo

So, no travel outside tier 4 allowed. So she's stuck here?

It sounds so stressful, OP. Taking her home would count as ease to travel, I'm sure, so you can take her back if it's what's best for all of you

RachelGreep87 · 19/12/2020 17:39

Please don't feel guilty. You're doing the best you can in a situation that is changing every day.

treeeeemendous · 19/12/2020 19:22

Enjoy your Christmas and drive her home before you need to start going out again.

Inkpaperstars · 19/12/2020 20:57

I don’t have any useful advice but wanted to say sorry you have all had such a stressful time, hope you find a way to get your DM home safely

Original poster

FiddleyDoo · 19/12/2020 23:36

I think we can legally take her back as care for those in support bubbles allows travel, so I understand. So if we've stayed in from the 18th, we can safely travel from the 28th, assuming 10 days isolation here, so no exposure. My kids school goes back on the 5th, I'm secondary so not sure yet of the exact plan for me, so we have 28th Dec-3rd Jan to get her back. The journey is long, but probably just about doable with only a stop for a car picnic. Loo breaks will have to wait!

Aaaaggghh, too much to think about. Never again will I not be cautious. I think autumn's low-ish cases here lulled me into a false sense of security. We just have to make the best of it now, and hope for the best. DM will hopefully get her jab on the first few months of next year, and we can breathe out again.

OP posts:

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 20/12/2020 00:18

I still think you did the right thing for your mum. Just stay home and enjoy yourselves! Sounds like you have plenty planned. Taking her home will not be any riskier than her staying with you

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