Upset my mum or my husband

[SpikeTheDragon]

Another Christmas bubble issue but I really don't know what to do:

My mum lost her only sibling a month ago and really wants a Christmas with her children and her grandchildren. She was in tears on the phone to me, two days ago, talking about it. Going there (a 3 hour drive) maxs out our bubble.

My husband has really bad depression. He will probably have a breakdown if we don't go to his parents this year (an hour's drive away). They've already invited us for Christmas day.

This is not helped by having obnoxious, loud neighbours that make the idea of staying any longer in our house than we have to, unbearable. Based on the parties and mock-up wedding they had during the first lockdown, I'm guessing Christmas will be a loud, packed-house affair for them, and the thought of trying to drown that out while having a quiet family Christmas together is filling us with dread, should we choose not go anywhere.

What do we do?

You go to your mum your husband go to his?

You said “children”, so do you have siblings? Will one of more of them be going to visit your mum?

I was going to suggest the above too. Though I actually think your husband should come first, it sounds like your mother will have plenty of company anyway. I actually don't think your mum has been very fair to be honest.

Are the grandchildren your children? If you don't have children, I'd suggest splitting up so you both see your respective parents.

I'd personally stay put.
Invite your Mum to yours and the pils too.
That's your proposed bubble and the only way to settle things in a fair manner.

Chances are your Mum will be seeing others so will decline but at least the offers there.
Similar for pils.

If your mum has your sibling coming then I would go to you inlaws. That way everyone gets someone. Sounds like your husband really needs it.

@Racoonworld

If your mum has your sibling coming then I would go to you inlaws. That way everyone gets someone. Sounds like your husband really needs it.

This. Your mother "really wants a Christmas with her children and her grandchildren", your husband NEEDS to have Christmas support. Since your mother has children, plural, your sibling(s) can meet her wants, freeing you to meet his needs.

Can your mum not come with you to pil?

No one gets quite what they want this Christmas. As long as your mum has someone to be with, I’d go to PIL.

Thank you everyone. I'm dreading ringing my mum to tell her that.

Yes, sorry. My mum has 3 children (one in a bubble with her). My husband and I have 2 children.

My parents can't come to ours because they don't drive long distances and my sisters and their families are going to their's.

It doesn't help that my sister's partners have said they will sacrifice seeing their own parents, as my mum has suffered this year.

What do you want to do - how would YOU like to spend Christmas.

Even before COVID these threads often have the OP running around trying to please people and sort out their wishes without a single mention of what they would like and what would make them happy

If you have sisters, plural, going to your Mum's already, then surely you can't go anyway, as that would be too many households?

Apologies OP, just seen one is bubbled with your Mum. I'd do whatever would make my immediate family (DP and kids) happiest.

Do your mum and inlaws live far apart?

Could you spend Christmas Day with your husbands parents and Boxing Day with your mum?

@moresugarpls But that means her Mum and ILs cannot see anyone else over the 5 day period. Bubbles are fixed.

Your mum will miss you, but your husband is really ill and he needs you to step up and help him. I'd do whatever will help him the most.

I would support your husband. Your mum has other children so won't be alone

Would dh like to go to his mum alone or does he need you too?

Slightly leaning towards helping dh as your mum has two daughters home so gets 2/3 of what she wants.

Your mum already has support from the other siblings and has been lucky to be in a support bubble with someone throughout.

I would stay home and invite your PIL round.

@slidingdrawers, @Catmummyof2

My apologies OP. I completely forgot about the bubbles. I’ve had a long day

I'm depressed and it would cheer me up no end to see my family properly this year. If MIL was putting the pressure on to have her perfect t xmas, which meant sacrificing support for my mental health, I'd feel really let down and overlooked.

So in that respect, I think letting your DH see his family with you and the kids, and mum having your siblings over, is the best option. That way everyone gets some support

It comes down to wants and needs. The way you've written makes it sound like your Mum's wants, and DHs needs. Is that fair?
And will PiL be alone if you dont go?