Upset my mum or my husband

[SpikeTheDragon]

Another Christmas bubble issue but I really don't know what to do:

My mum lost her only sibling a month ago and really wants a Christmas with her children and her grandchildren. She was in tears on the phone to me, two days ago, talking about it. Going there (a 3 hour drive) maxs out our bubble.

My husband has really bad depression. He will probably have a breakdown if we don't go to his parents this year (an hour's drive away). They've already invited us for Christmas day.

This is not helped by having obnoxious, loud neighbours that make the idea of staying any longer in our house than we have to, unbearable. Based on the parties and mock-up wedding they had during the first lockdown, I'm guessing Christmas will be a loud, packed-house affair for them, and the thought of trying to drown that out while having a quiet family Christmas together is filling us with dread, should we choose not go anywhere.

What do we do?

What did you say to your mum when she was in tears two days ago? Did you tell her you are in an awful dilemma and explain your predicament? If so, how did she respond?

In answer to the question about what I want, well personally, I'd prefer to see my mum, as it's been really hard losing my uncle (he's been a kind of father figure as mine passed away many years ago) and I just want my family around me. But that's just a want.

My PIL have my SIL in a bubble so aren't alone.

My PIL and parents (mum and stepdad) live 4 hours drive apart.

No, I didn't tell my mum I had a dilemma as my PIL had kindly said we shouldn't go and see them if it meant not seeing my mum. Didn't realise the impact of that on my husband until I mentioned about not going to his parents afterwards.

I think that's answered all the questions.

I sound like a terrible wife but I've got fatigue regarding my husband's depression. He's had it for years and does nothing to alleviate it and I've been the supportive wife despite the impact his depression has on me and the kids (walking on eggshells etc). So that's clouding my judgement. But he does have the greater need, I can see that.

Anyway, thank you. It's helpful to have outside perspectives.

"I sound like a terrible wife but I've got fatigue regarding my husband's depression. He's had it for years and does nothing to alleviate it and I've been the supportive wife despite the impact his depression has on me and the kids (walking on eggshells etc). So that's clouding my judgement. But he does have the greater need, I can see that."

That does actually change things for me. I wrongly assumed his depression was of recent origin and related to the pandemic. That meant I assumed you were still psychologically 'fresh' and able to be supportive, but that isn't the case. If you've been impacted long-term, then YOUR (and your children's) mental health need to be taken into account too.

I think you should consider him going to his parents' and you taking the children to your mother's. You have needs too. You can't support him if you drown first.

Ok your PIL think you should go to support your Mum (and are fine with it) YOU want to go and be with them so you know what GO.

He isnt doing anything to alleviate it and is using this as a means to control and get what he wants. You and your children will have a better time with your mum

And then focus I think on the dynamic in your relationship

Are you able to split? I think your household as to pick the other households, i.e he can’t have two and you have three.

I'm surprised that your husband, if he's suffering from depression and has done for years, would have a breakdown triggered by not seeing his family at Christmas. Until recently Christmas was in doubt for everyone, potentially no visits.

Is there more to this OP, does he usually cite a potential breakdown if he doesn't get his way?

I sound like a terrible wife but I've got fatigue regarding my husband's depression. He's had it for years and does nothing to alleviate it and I've been the supportive wife despite the impact his depression has on me and the kids (walking on eggshells etc). So that's clouding my judgement. But he does have the greater need, I can see that.

You don't sound like a terrible wife. In fact, from the way you worded your initial post, you are clearly very used to thinking of other people's desires above your own, and your husband's mental health as the most important thing of all.

He will probably have a breakdown if we don't go to his parents this year (an hour's drive away).

What exactly did he say when you discussed your mum's feelings about Christmas?

Has he been able to be supportive to you, having just lost your father figure?

I don't know what to advise, but I think you need to really interrogate whether you are being unfairly manipulated (and whether this is a pattern) or whether you truly believe that this year your DH does need to be with his parents.

I would argue, to be honest, that a break might be good for both of you, and spend a few days separately. I'm sure he would hate not to see his DC on Christmas Day, though, so then that could perhaps be his choice as to whether to come to your mum's or go to his parents alone?

Who did you have Christmas with last year? Or the year before that?

It sounds to me like everyone would benefit of he went to his mum's and you went to your mum's with the kids

I think at least you should go to your mum's. She's lost a sibling and is bereaved so I would be doing anything in my power to help her through this first probably very difficult Christmas.