Minimal risk in visiting 86-year-old mum?

[Tryingtofindabalance]

My sister wants to keep visiting our mum, who as she’s in her 80s is obviously high risk. Sister has three teen DDs in secondary and college. She thinks that as we are in the South West the risk is minimal. (One hour’s drive away.)

Am I overreacting to think this is crazy?

I live with mum, so she has company and care. DSis has decided that the risk is minimal, so all responsibility to be safe is now on me. I get to be the over-cautious busybody stopping her see her DM.

DM wavers depending who she’s speaking to.

Ask your sister why she wants to potentially put a lifelong burden of guilt on her children if one of them passes on covid and their grandmother dies.

I totally agree with you, OP, but ultimately, I think the decision has to be made by your mum.

They should not be visiting during lockdown, of course, as it's illegal.

I think it's really up to your mum if she wants to take the risk. The fact she's wavering seems like maybe she feels pressure to agree with whoever she talks to. It would be good if you could find a way to get her to speak freely without feeling she's disappointing people.

I can understand why some older people would rather see their families than spend the foreseeable future unable to see the people they love.

That would be my usual manner of dealing with things, @thestripes, but I’m trying to be as unemotive as possible.

To avoid a drip feed, our DF died a month ago (non-Covid) and she says she feels sad she didn’t see him during the last lockdown. She saw him in the summer. So I’m trying to be unemotive as she’s grieving.

I’m at a loss.

Can she come over but just meet up with mum outside?

I don’t think DM feels under pressure exactly, @KylieKoKo. Just that she’d love to see her DD, and to believe that it’s safe to do so. But then she watches the news or I explain that there is a risk, and she says ‘Oh, we must be careful then.’

@Backyard72

Can she come over but just meet up with mum outside?

She could, but she wouldn’t as she thinks the risk is minimal. She always stays over.

@AlexaShutUp

I totally agree with you, OP, but ultimately, I think the decision has to be made by your mum.

They should not be visiting during lockdown, of course, as it's illegal.

She wants to stay this weekend, so it would be under lockdown.

She’s an adult. She’s managed to make it to her 80’s by making decisions for herself.

Sorry for the loss of your father.

If your mum is alone then it’s a support bubble surely?

I live with DM, as I said in my OP, @ZumbaAllTheWay

To be honest, if I was 86 I would probably want to see my family in the (probably) limited time I have left. Maybe you could get someone independent to speak to your mum and find out how she really feels about it - obviously your strong feelings and your sisters strong feelings are making her feel that she can't speak her mind to either of you hence she is "wavering"

My sister is similar.

My parents don't want to upset her but don't really want to catch Covid off her and her family either. For a quiet life they usually let her visit then stress out for two weeks afterwards in case she infected them.

Does your mum want to see them? She's an adult , let her make the decision

@TheStripes I'm with you on this. My Gran is desperate to see her great grandchildren for longer than a passing few minutes outside, and I can see that it should be her decision.... but I'm terrified of my DC unknowingly passing it on and having a lifetime of guilt.

I don’t think she feels unable to speak her mind at all, @KitKatastrophe. As I explained above, she’d love to think it’s all fine, but then the fact this there is a degree of risk intrudes on that. She’s not in the middle of a sibling war. I can’t think of anyone she could speak to who wouldn’t have pretty strong views themselves, even if not directly involved, but will try to think of someone.

Oh sorry, I may have given the wrong impression, @sunnyday1976 - no plan for the DGDs to visit, just that my sister is exposed to increased risk via them.

She wants to stay this weekend, so it would be under lockdown.

Tell her she would be breaking the law. I presume that you and your mum would, too, by virtue of allowing her to visit. It isn't fair for her to put you in that position.

I don’t think that would bother her, @AlexaShutUp.

Would it bother your mum enough to tell her not to come?

This is the reason I find it particularly worrying - DSis has decided that she is at low risk of passing it to mum, so her behaviour reflects that. She says there’s no point in SD as if one of us has it we’ll all get it anyway (I don’t think that’s necessarily true). She says schools have loads of measures in place, but actually highest rates are currently among teens, and if anything school measures are being diluted. She must presumably know it’s lockdown this weekend but I’m not sure she thinks that impacts her.

It depends where in the south west she is as to whether she is low risk.... some areas are really not low numbers and may well end up tier 3 next week

@AlexaShutUp

Would it bother your mum enough to tell her not to come?

I’m not sure. DM is at times rather vague about it all. I think it’s reasonable in your 80s to be able to make your own decisions, of course, but have your DC clearly putting your safety first on your behalf. In some cases of isolation or MH issues that might mean a visit. But that’s not the case here, a visit is very much a nice but not essential.

That’s really sad, @PrincessNutNuts.

My teen son tested positive for Covid yesterday.
We haven't seen my mother or in laws for ages (in 70s and 80s) because with two teens at school the stakes are too high (We are in a high risk area though) . If we'd passed this on I'd never forgive myself.

If your sister insists on putting you all in this position then surely outside with no sleepover the compromise.