Trigger warning: Visiting Mum after a cancer diagnoses

[WomanFormerlyKnownAsKarateGirl]

My mum was diagnosed with breast cancer last October. She had chemo, and then a mastectomy the week before we went into the first lockdown. She then had radiotherapy. We didn't see her for five months.

We heard today that she has metastases on the lungs and bones. We don't yet know her prognosis, but Mets are never ever good news. She's in her early 50s.

Every instinct says to go and see her tomorrow morning, but in the back of my mind is that it's currently illegal. If I were to be fined (or even cautioned) for visiting her, I'd have to disclose it to my place of work, and it could have severe professional implications for me. I could potentially lose my job.

I have 3 brothers, one lives with her anyway, the other two are go to see her tomorrow. If I go to her by myself, there'll be at least 6 of us at her house (including my dad). If my husband and daughter come, that's immediately 8 of us.

I've been so careful about limiting contact since before the first lockdown, and it feels like it's totally fucked what could well be the last year of my mum's life. I just don't know what to do.

God how tough. Can you er meet her outside somehow? as that's allowed?

@herecomesthsun Probably not, unfortunately, her health's really not up to it, even in her garden let alone going elsewhere.

Sod lockdown. Go and see your mum.

I'm so sorry to hear about your mother. FWIW I would go...tho probably on my own

I would not go this weekend - as hard as it is for you - if your 2 brothers are going tomorrow. Go next weekend instead. Your mum is still vulnerable and you need to protect her. Too many of you will expose everyone, regardless of the ‘rules’.

I know it fucking sucks though. My mum died this year of cancer. We lost all those months of cuddles and good times.

But I will say my mum beat cancer in her fifties, and it recurred over 10 years later, and then we had many years with her at stage 4 - we thought we’d lose her so many times and I was so fucking ANGRY with people in the beginning when they told me good news stories because I thought they just didn’t understand - but they were right for a lot of the time. My mum lived with mets everywhere for years.

for you, and for your mum. I’m sorry it’s so utterly fucking horrible.

Please go and see her . I'm sure it would come under vulnerable / extenuating circumstances

Go and see her for sure x

Go at a different time to the rest of the family. You have much more control over social distancing, room to keep apart - have ventilation in the room and wear a mask?

This is one of the worse consequences of Cv for me personally. My mum died and we’d been separated (care home) for two months. I’m now trying to support an elderly frail father but not risk giving him Cv.

I am doing all of the above and using hand gel and disinfectant wipes. Whilst it’s clinical in a desperate moment it also means I can relax knowing I’ve done everything to avoid causing him to be ill or possibly die prematurely.

Your mum may have months/years even with that prognosis so you do want to make sure she isn’t put at risk.

That's so sad. I would hope there is a legal exemption for vulnerable adults or providing care as someone mentioned above. Your workplace would be downright cruel to discipline you for something like this. But I would agree, don't go all at once to her. Go separately when the other 2 brothers are not there. Wear your mask as has been said, wash hands, use hand gel, ventilate the room.

So sorry to hear that. I would definitely go and see your mum but I would go when the rest of the family aren't there. Also I'm sure your work would understand if you explained it to them.

Forget lockdown, you will regret not seeing her.

And this is precisely an example of when you should ignore the rules. Covid shouldnt trump everything.

By all means go when there are less people there, but definitely go.

Go. For definite.

Go and see your Mum

I would risk it, but go alone not when the rest of the family are there.
The chances of a police caution are very unlikely. Someone would have to report you (unlikely, especially if only one person is visiting), the police would have to have the time and manpower to actually investigate, even if they did if you explained the situation they would ask you to leave and if you did so calmly that would be the end of it. Caution or fine would only be coming into play if you refused to follow police orders.

Are you safe to go and see her? If you are, just go.

Don't know, I'm in the same situation but according to some on MN, video calls should be enough and people don't 'need' to hug their parents. I say go see her. My mum doesn't really want people round because she's worried about catching Covid.

Sorry about your mum.

I would go
In all honesty I don't see how in this situation you'd a) get caught and b) be fined.

I think the chances of that happening are very, very slim to the point of just not happening, but I think that the chances of you regretting not going and spending this precious time , is very high.

As PP says - covid isn't everything, there are things that are more important.

What does your mum want?

I’d probably not want the whole family descending on me in the same situation tbh

Can you go tomorrow instead so there aren’t as many people and you can distance in the room a little better? Sorry for her diagnosis, my mum has been living with Mets for the last two years so I’ve been where you are now. She’s late forties.

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. If you can time it to go at a different time so there are less people I would if not I would still go. I saw my dad at Christmas, followed all the rules and then when lockdown ceased still didn't see him to be on the safe side and finally decided I needed to see him and he passed the day before I went. Rationally I know I did the sensible thing but I will always regret it.

Be sensible but go!

If your brothers are going to see your mum today, can't you go and see her tomorrow? It might be nice for you to spend time alone as there may be symptoms she feels more able to tell you about (woman to woman).

Once you've seen her, see her often, because, however long she has left to live, her life is going to be shortened. Cherish every moment you spend with her. Leave nothing unsaid.

For me the concern wouldn’t be breaking lockdown, it would be the risk I could present to mum if I have Covid and pass it to her. Only you and your mum can assess that risk given your personal situations and make a decision based on that. Everyone will have differing feelings about it but you have to decide what you are comfortable with x

The key thing is your exposure profile.

Your DMum could be highly vulnerable to covid, and it's really important to protect her.

Also, do you think your DMum would want everyone at once, or might she welcome visits staggered over the next few weeks?

It's worth considering is you can SI or really sharply reduce your interaction with the outside world for at least 7 days (ideally 10+) and then go and see her

I am so sorry I don't think that you need to worry about being fined or cautioned in these circumstances, your visit is justifiable for sure. Focus on your family and what is best for you and your mum. I agree with nether that considering your own exposure in the days before visiting is wise.