Trigger warning: Visiting Mum after a cancer diagnoses

[WomanFormerlyKnownAsKarateGirl]

My mum was diagnosed with breast cancer last October. She had chemo, and then a mastectomy the week before we went into the first lockdown. She then had radiotherapy. We didn't see her for five months.

We heard today that she has metastases on the lungs and bones. We don't yet know her prognosis, but Mets are never ever good news. She's in her early 50s.

Every instinct says to go and see her tomorrow morning, but in the back of my mind is that it's currently illegal. If I were to be fined (or even cautioned) for visiting her, I'd have to disclose it to my place of work, and it could have severe professional implications for me. I could potentially lose my job.

I have 3 brothers, one lives with her anyway, the other two are go to see her tomorrow. If I go to her by myself, there'll be at least 6 of us at her house (including my dad). If my husband and daughter come, that's immediately 8 of us.

I've been so careful about limiting contact since before the first lockdown, and it feels like it's totally fucked what could well be the last year of my mum's life. I just don't know what to do.

The main thing I'd be concerned about is passing covid to her at the moment. Is she well enough to go for a walk with you, perhaps, with you wearing a mask? Slightest chance the police stop you, you can honestly say I'm travelling to see my Mum whose got metastases and go for a walk as she very ill (they're very unlikely to ask questions about who she lives with or fine you - most fines are for serious offences or given to people who are clearly doing whatever they want without good cause).

If you are reducing contact prior to seeing her it needs to be 14days isolation in order to give time for symptoms to present (I know you can be asymptomatic)

“ Every instinct says to go and see her tomorrow morning, but in the back of my mind is that it's currently illegal. If I were to be fined (or even cautioned) for visiting her, I'd have to disclose it to my place of work, and it could have severe professional implications for me. I could potentially lose my job.”

I realise you’re not up for a fight right now but I can’t see how a fine fir this would stand legally. Visiting an ill person just goes under “care”.

Also, in the first lockdown they were issuing Fixed Penalty Notices which I though didn’t go on record any way?

I had breast cancer last year and can't imagine how bad this news is.

You are allowed to provide care for vulnerable people. If challenged I would say that's why you went.
I would not take your DH and DC and I would not go at the same time as your brothers.
Having said all that your mum has had some very bad news but may, with treatment live for some time. Does she want you all to visit? Because I would follow what she asks. If she would prefer to take the risk and see you all then go.

Thanks everyone for your kind messages. I was an utter mess last night. I decided not to go over today, partially because I got so little sleep last night I wouldn't have been safe to drive. I think I'm going to isolate and go and see her in a couple of weeks' time as some have suggested. Hopefully I'll get a better night's sleep tonight.

My dad was diagnosed with a prostate cancer in August and it turned out to be a stage 4 cancer in September. It’s been a massive shock for my family. He was feeling really bad both physically and mentally and we thought that we will loose him anytime. My parents don’t live in Britain and I haven’t seen them since February. I decided to fly and see him, knowing that it might be my last chance. And it was the best decision ever. Very bitter sweet time, but it helped all of us. We have never felt stronger as a family.