I can't do another lockdown.

[CarrotCakeCrumbs]

I'm sitting here knowing that we are very likely going to go into another lockdown, listening to my children playing knowing that I can't go through another lockdown. I don't want to leave my children, I love them with all my heart which you probably won't believe because how can I say I love them but also know that I'd rather end my life than go through that again. I'm not even upset, I've just accepted that this is it. I can't reach out for help, I was barely getting help before the last lockdown, and then nothing when it happened and nothing since there is no help. There never has been. I know that if lockdown doesnt happen then alot more people will die, and so it is incredibly selfish of me to be so angry, but I am angry. I am angry and scared and I can't see another way out, I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel and I know I am a coward so I can't face another lockdown. I don't even know what the point of this post is, I am just angry and so scared, and I'm tired and I'm not strong enough to do this again, even for my own children.

Just to say I am so so sorry. Nothing else except Covid matters. Children and young people are being robbed, we are losing our freedoms, people are losing their businesses and jobs and will be left with nothing. It's not right. Please keep going for your children, I hope the restrictions will be less severe this time.

@onedayinthefuture

Just to say I am so so sorry. Nothing else except Covid matters. Children and young people are being robbed, we are losing our freedoms, people are losing their businesses and jobs and will be left with nothing. It's not right. Please keep going for your children, I hope the restrictions will be less severe this time.

Wow, what a hopeful and helpful post

Op, what is making you think like this. What is it you struggle with during lock down? Even if it does happen it’s only likely to be four weeks.

If you can identify what you can’t take about it, then we could advise where to seek support.

What are the issues you’re mainly struggling with? Schools are unlikely to close this time round. Is it financial / social worries?

Please dont think you're selfish, a coward or not a good mum. I know it's easy for me to say but I have suffered from depression in the past. What you're feeling is temporary and you're mood can and will lift

Please understand we can do more than think we can and this is not going to last forever. Even if a vaccine takes while, there are new tests for covid being developed all the time. Tests that will give an instant result. A simple mouth swab maybe. We see this in the news often. Once these tests become cheap and readily available it will change things so much. It will mean we can get back to some sort of normality and these tests are not far away. I think this is something that will be a big game changer in ending lockdowns

You can see friends and family for mental health support. You are not selfish at all, a lot of people will be feeling the same way, please seek support that is out there. I hope you start to feel better soon, this won't be forever.

You are not selfish or a coward! just human. I am so sorry you are having such a tough time.

To me it just shows that these ridiculous lockdowns are creating more misery and ill health than anything else.

It is madness that at this stage we don't get that it is not a sustainable way to react. There is no logic in 'locking' the entire population, rather than simply asking the elderly and vulnerable to shield, and destroying mental health, economy, jobs and killing people by slowing down/cancelling treatment for things like cancer and other condition. The average age of someone dying of covid is 82 for goodness sake, higher than our average life expectancy in the UK...

@CarrotCakeCrumbs I am so sorry and I feel the same. Someone needs No.10 and Boris to read this. He will have blood on his hands if we go into another lockdown.

OP, please do not leave your children. No matter what state you are in, they want a living, loving (even if she can't show it) mother. My own mother was severely mentally ill and abusive, and I wouldn't have been without her. The sun came out when she came home from hospital (usually after two to three month stays). And every time we had to get to know the 'new mum', medicated and even smelling different. Please, no matter how bad it is, stay with your babies.

You can phone A&E for an ambulance if you are seriously contemplating suicide. That's what the therapist told me, in April, when I was just looking for a means.

What aspects of lockdown do you struggle with the most? I don't think anyone likes it but it must be harder if you are less emotionally resilient and unable to access supports. Have you got anyone you can talk to about how you are feeling irl? Friends or family?

@CarrotCakeCrumbs we're so sorry to hear you're feeling this way. It really is an incredibly tough situation for so many people - you're definitely not alone. We're sad to see that you've been unable to get help in real life but we hope you won't give up on this. Do check out some of the orgs listed in our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected].

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

Please remember that you can see other people in your house or their house if you need to for your mental health, and please do it.

I've been suffering from depression for a long time, I was just about getting help before the first lockdown but then everything just stopped completley and I haven't heard anything since March beause they have obviously been very busy, ive spoken to the crisis team a few times but nothing ever comes of it. I have been trying to get out of the flat as much as possible just to be around other adults, but the thought of being stuck in the flat again with very limited adult interaction is scaring me. My partner works very long hours and so it's just me and the children most of the time, I feel like I'm failing in all aspects. My 4 year old was bored, and spent far too much on screens which I know is bad, my 1 year old is extremley clingy to me and so it's almost impossible to get any housework done. Financially I know that we have been quite lucky, my partner was furloughed for a while but things seem a lot more stable now, and I work part time but I've worked throughout without any worries about my job security. I just don't feel like I'm doing a particularly good job of taking care of my partner and children; and I know being stuck in the flat just makes everything feel so much worse.

I am in wales and halfway through our firebreak lockdown.
I won’t lie, it’s shit. I’m bored and fed up and the constant rain makes it harder as can’t go for a nice sunny walk.
BUT I was better prepared for it, knew what to expect. There wasn’t the same awful panic and glued to the news constantly that there was in the first lockdown. Apart from the buying non-essential hoohaa, there’s no issues with shopping and food supply. Schools are better prepared for home learning.
I echo everyone else - speak to someone, anyone in real life.
But practically Make a plan now if you can - what supplies do you need. What activities can you plan for the kids. Create a daily routine to help get through it. You kids will probably still be going to school so that will take a lot of the pressure off and give you some breathing space. Aced hike in phone calls with family and friends.

If finances allow get some waterproof trousers for you and the kids. Then you can still go out in the rain for some fresh air and jumping in puddles.

I'm so sorry OP. This is so very tough and I know lots of people feel the same as you. I will find it extremely tough myself but I know at least I can just about get through it.

You are actually doing an amazing job, despite saying you don't feel you are. I'm so impressed by anyone looking after children through this. Everything is so hard for you but you've kept your children no doubt fed and watered through this impossible time. You need a big pat on the back for that. And you've reached out here too even though you feel desperate. That takes such strength.

The most important thing right now is to reach out for support however much you don't feel you can. You can't tackle this whole month in one go ( if it is a month we're facing) - it's just going to need to be about doing things a day at at time. An hour at a time, if needs be. Your children need you, you are irreplaceable to them.

This is all going to end. It's temporary. It's a horrible temporary which is pushing people to their limits but a vaccine is on its way, spring will come around and again and things will be more under control. We just have to hang on in there. Please keep talking to us on here at any time if you need help. There is only one you and I know there are people who desperately want you to stick around and get through this.

I get this. I'm shit scared too. My 2 year old is a joy out and about and a fucking nightmare cooped up inside too long. We've had to childproof a room as best we can so I can step out for a bit when it all gets too stressful. Is this something that would work with your home.

I'm sorry you've been so let down with mental health services. It's a disgrace how many people have been abandoned health wise. You're not a bad mum, you're in a bad situation.

If you have a good supportive friend or family member, my advice would be to speak to them (or even get your DP to) now and ask if they'd be happy to be your mental health support bubble who you would continue to see during a lockdown. Knowing that you will have somewhere to go and someone to see whatever the rules are might help.

(This is not hypothetical - I'm in Wales, and had a very similar conversation just before our recent lockdown in order to set something up to help with DH's mental health. It's worked well so far.)

carrot I’m so sorry to hear how much you are struggling. Like MN said, help in RL is incredibly important at this difficult time. Have you heard of / engaged with PANDAS? They are a post natal depression charity that run face to face, email and Facebook support groups. Connecting with other mums who are feeling like you are might help you feel less alone?

I hope no one flames me for saying this but if you have to choose between life and following lockdown rules you need to prioritise your life and your young kiddies. My dad suffers terrible depression and is in a tier 2 area. His scrabble group is still allowed to meet indoors on the grounds it’s run by a mental health charity. There might be similar things in your area that are allowed to stay open to support mental health.

Could you stay with family over the lockdown period or could OH take some time off so you get through it together? As PP said, its bloody hard but its temporary, hang in there. ((HUG))

@CarrotCakeCrumbs please think about the suggestion made by @110APiccadilly. It's a really good one. And have you spoken to your GP? I presume you're on medication, and it may need to be changed. What does your partner say?

CarrotCakeCrumbs, great name. You are absolutely not selfish to feel like this. We are allowed to feel what we feel, that doesn't make you selfish. Don't feel guilty either, kids are bored, they are always, its a natural part of childhood, it doesn't harm them. Being a bit bored is actually very good for them, they learn to self occupy because of boredom.

It sounds like you feel you are failing, and that you should do more for your family. Can I ask what your DH does to support you? Does he fully understand how you feel? IME men sometimes need us to tell them what we need them to do, be it help with the kids or house or even just a hug. What happens if you ask for help?

But, it will get better. Getting outside is a huge boost to my spirits, can you wrap up warm and get out even if its for a walk? Do you have anyone in RL you can talk to?
The other thing that helps me is to escape in a book or a film. Even when DC were same ages as yours I would let them snuggle up on the sofa with me, them watching rubbish, me reading a book. Self care helps too, set aside some time to do one self care thing a day such as a long bath, hair, nails, yoga or some other activity that benefits you, and just you, and don't feel selfish or guilty. You need to look after yourself, because you are looking after everyone else.

(((hugs))) I'm depressed too at the minute, its crap, but I will get through it, you will too, just little steps each day.

This is why a second lockdown is making me feel so angry. OP I feel for for you, please try to reach out again to services.

I work in adult social care and I cannot imagine our services halting like they did back in the first lockdown. Please continue to reach out, to friends, family, online etc.

I don't think it will be 4 weeks. I think it will be like last time continuing extensions.
I am nearly done too

I really do feel for you. I think it is an utter disgrace that so many sectors of the National Covid Health Service were either shut down or scaled back so viciously earlier this year that you and others like you have been left high and dry.

Can you speak to your GP? Have you any family or friends living nearby who could support you? There are exemptions to the lockdown guidelines for situations involving mental health issues and vulnerable people as others have already explained above.

You are a good Mum. You are doing a great job. Your children and your partner etc. all love you and need you. Can you ask them for some real life support?

I also meant to add that this sort of thing, amongst other issues, is why I am very against another lockdown.

Lockdowns are a very blunt tool. They too damage a lot of people and livelihoods. Not a sustainable policy to keep repeating.

I don’t know if it would help you but when I’ve felt overwhelmed it’s helped me to carve the day up into smaller chunks. I hate playing with kiddy toys but if I know it’s for an hour I can cope better somehow.
What about a visual timetable for you and the four year old that she can help you make? You could make little cards and draw different things on- play with toys, watch tv, dance, dress up, screen time, story time, outdoor time, cook together, build a den, disco, etc etc- then a chart that says 9/10/11/12etc on and each morning the 4yo gets to pick the symbols and put them on in order?

If you can afford it, buy some cheap craft materials from Poundland. Also some cheap baking/cookery stuff so you can do that together.

I dunno, you might hate that idea- I just find the thought of an hour of something easier than the idea of the days stretching out endlessly ahead.

Oh, and forget the housework, seriously. If they both nap/settle at any point, use that time to recharge YOU.