I'm sitting here knowing that we are very likely going to go into another lockdown, listening to my children playing knowing that I can't go through another lockdown. I don't want to leave my children, I love them with all my heart which you probably won't believe because how can I say I love them but also know that I'd rather end my life than go through that again. I'm not even upset, I've just accepted that this is it. I can't reach out for help, I was barely getting help before the last lockdown, and then nothing when it happened and nothing since there is no help. There never has been. I know that if lockdown doesnt happen then alot more people will die, and so it is incredibly selfish of me to be so angry, but I am angry. I am angry and scared and I can't see another way out, I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel and I know I am a coward so I can't face another lockdown. I don't even know what the point of this post is, I am just angry and so scared, and I'm tired and I'm not strong enough to do this again, even for my own children.