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Original poster

Should I pull DD out? She's really struggling.

65 replies

Beebityboo · 31/10/2020 07:54

Anyone who recognises my username will know how much I've struggled with the decision to send my DC's back to school, particularly my sen, secondary aged (year 8) DD.
She was barely in last term as her anxiety is out of control (she hates school generally anyway but it has gotten much worse) She has to get a packed 45 minute bus ride each way in a mask and she finds it unbearable. She then has to wear a mask at lunch and in the corridors. She has just finished two weeks self isolation which she barely coped with because she was terrified she was going to get ill. She has started hair pulling which she hasn't done in over a year Sad.
I'm disabled and she is terrified about getting me sick so won't consider an exempt lanyard or anything.
I am strongly considering removing her from school to home educate but I have some worries.
We could get Covid from my two youngest at primary, so removing her to prevent illness would feel like it was for nothing. Her school is supportive and heavily over subscribed.
I'm worried the council would force us to send her back in to a school and the nearest school she already left once due to severe bullying.
I'm worried her education will suffer permanent damage and secondaries may move online at some point?
I just don't know what to do. She is begging me not to send her back, says the atmosphere is frightening and awful, feels suffocated and scared.
Please give me some advice, the school won't let me keep her off anymore.

OP posts:
Gatehouse77 · 31/10/2020 08:34

I’m not sure why you think the council can force her to attend school if you de register her?
I’d look at home education forums and websites for reassurance on that and to see what resources you can tap into. They’d be better placed to give you solid advice and guidance on how to deal with any authorities and how best to access education materials.

Branleuse · 31/10/2020 08:35

Fwiw, my child has gone back to school after 2yrs of online lessons and is ahead. Hasnt suffered educationally at all. Theyve thrived. I know a few people who have done this. It works out much much cheaper than a private school or tutoring. Also no decision is irreversible. You can do this and it doesnt mean she couldnt return to mainstream in future

Princessdebthe1st · 31/10/2020 08:36

Ok. Just seen your GP update. They are talking nonsense. If a child is too sick for school they should be reviewing them and if appropriate giving a sick note.

Original poster
Beebityboo · 31/10/2020 08:37

The council were very unhelpful and intimidating when we removed her before, so I'm a bit wary of them now.
We do have the GP involved wrt her mental health (been referred to cahms) but they are refusing to write any letters to schools.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beebityboo · 31/10/2020 08:37

Our GP has been pretty awful throughout tbh.

OP posts:
PinkPlantCase · 31/10/2020 08:39

You could ask for a copy of her doctors notes? And use those to show the school. If they need some kid of evidence before they’ll help

pipnchops · 31/10/2020 08:39

If taking her out to home educate is an option then in your position I would be doing that. It seems to spread less in primary so you could still send your younger DC in and really focus on home schooling your older one.

Original poster
Beebityboo · 31/10/2020 08:42

@pinkplantcase they aren't doing that either, I'm not joking. I asked for my records or just a letter confirming my condition for an unrelated matter and they have told me they aren't providing anything like that right now.

OP posts:
PixellatedPixie · 31/10/2020 08:43

School sounds absolutely horrendous for her and it sounds like she will be infinitely happier and this more motivated if she is home schooled!

One of my cousins had ME and so didn’t go to school for the first two or three years of high school and yet she still managed to become a chemical engineer and has an amazing career.

Could you pay a private GP to listen to your case and maybe sign her off as then school will have to give her home learning in the interim? That will buy you some time.

She will probably learn more at home happy than being forced to go in anyway! Also, she is at an age where sitting quietly alone with her work is arguably more productive than being in an environment she hates. I’ve had major anxiety issues (PTSD) since I was 18 and I can tell you that anxiety blocks your ability to learn as your body is in flight or fight mode.

PinkPlantCase · 31/10/2020 08:44

I think legally if you ask in writing for your notes they have to give them to you.

That said I have no idea what you can do if they say no! Maybe go through PALs?

Therollockingrogue · 31/10/2020 08:44

Yes , take her out of school.

PixellatedPixie · 31/10/2020 08:45

Also, once she is not going into an environment that makes her anxious on a daily basis, she will likely become more relaxed about the fact that the younger kids are going into school. Once she is happier within herself everything will look better from her perspective.

poachedeggsandmushrooms · 31/10/2020 08:48

Can you re post this on the Home Education board? I think you'll find lots of knowledgeable people on there. In your situation I would definitely pull her out, she won't be learning effectively if her mental health is poor.

Original poster
Beebityboo · 31/10/2020 08:52

A private GP is a good idea, I hadn't considered that.
If I'm honest I want her at home where she is happy and safe but I'm just worried. She has no friends aside from a best friend in another country and I just feel like she is fading in front of me. The last few weeks have been horrendous and I really expected them to do blended learning or something for secondary which may have made things more tolerable.
I just feel defeated and so desperately sad for her.

OP posts:
DameCelia · 31/10/2020 08:52

Hi @Beebityboo we've been through an almost identical situation, I just want to highlight something we learned first hand.

If you do deregister her, and go for online schooling, check which exam board the online provider is following if you do online over years 10 or 11.

Many online providers do igcses. If you do Y10 online but want to go back to bricks and mortar school for Y11 you may have a problem getting a place in a state school.

MoonJelly · 31/10/2020 08:56

Is there any chance of your GP supporting her need to stay off school for mental health reasons? It sounds as if a referral to CAMHS is needed anyway.

MoonJelly · 31/10/2020 08:57

Sorry, ignore me, I see your GP won't help

OpheliasCrayon · 31/10/2020 09:02

Oh gosh. Whilst I usually comment on threads that I think children should be in school I completely see why you're wanting to take her out.

I'm an SEN teacher and I've worked in home education before and I am feeling from what I've read that whilst the trigger in this situation is covid, understandably, her mental health does seem very precarious.

I know it's next to impossible to get things sorted out so I am not making this comment lightly or suggesting that it's an easy thing to sort out but I don't feel in this situation that it should just fall to you to home educate. She is physically not able to be in school due to her mental health and in this case I feel that there could be argument for EOTAS (education other than at school ) provision. This is where your DD would still be on roll at a school who are overall responsible for her education and development but, the LEA provide tutors to deliver it at home, as she is not able to attend.

I strongly strongly suggest that you speak to the school SENCO and try to start pursuing this line of education, if it would be something you're comfortable with. I have no idea if it's possible in your area, and I'm afraid I really can't say if it is something you're going to be able to sort out. But this isn't in my opinion a case of a parent and / or child being a bit worried about covid and not wanting them to go. There's a very very genuine mental health need and in such instances then there is other provision available.

I do hope that what I've said hasn't offended or upset you in any way, but I just feel like in the situation, there MAY be something that the school or LEA can do and I just wanted to see if it's something you could try to arrange. Again, I'm so sorry if this isn't what you want, or indeed if it's something you've tried and therefore know isn't possible. But I just wanted to suggest it as it's an area I have worked in in the past (and now teach in and SEN school).

OpheliasCrayon · 31/10/2020 09:03

Sorry I've just seen the comments about your GP and I would also urge you to see one privately if you can. They do not seem to be helping and you definitely deserve the help.

Punxsutawney · 31/10/2020 09:07

Beeb as she has SEN you could apply for a statutory assessment with the LA. Especially as she is finding school so difficult.

Ds is 16 and autistic but has anxiety an depression as well and we are currently going through the process with him.

FlowerOfEvil · 31/10/2020 09:09

As someone else said the well-being of your child is the most important. The issue I have with home schooling is not giving her the education she will require later in life and the lack of social interaction and skills she will learn at school. Saying that if you can deal satisfactorily with those issues then it may be best for her. You also need to consider that if your daughter already has mental health issues these are likely to get worse and I hate to say this but suicide is one of the biggest killers of young adults. 😥

www.gov.uk/home-education

Poppingnostopping · 31/10/2020 09:16

I would pull her out to solve the immediate problem, then sit down and creatively think about how to solve the 'how to educate' her problem without causing her immense stress. There are options, school isn't for everyone, and by having a rest and a pause on the really quite large stress of going to school in a pandemic plus her SN, you can start to think through what's best for her.

WiseUpJanetWeiss · 31/10/2020 09:16

Take her out and homeschool her, if you Ophelia’s good advice doesn’t work for you.

If this was just about Covid, I’d be on the fence, but it’s quite obvious from reading your posts that being in school is detrimental to your DD’s mental health - and she’s hardly going to be learning much under those conditions.

We looked into Myonlineschooling for DSS, and will still go down that route if necessary if schools close. It’s not cheap, but if you can afford the maths and English modules you should be able to provide her with a decent amount of education this year.

Definitely join home ed forums and groups to find out how to satisfy the LEA that she’s learning. My friend has home educated all her children up to 6th form level. One is now at uni, one at a local 6th form doing A levels and the other is still homeschooling with her.

juicingqueen74 · 31/10/2020 09:23

Hello I home educate both my children and I think its a good idea to do some reading and research as you don't need to replicate school for them to learn. This is an unprecedented time in our history and will affect our kids mental health in ways we cannot for see so I guess that its not urgent that kids keep learning who says that they need to do GCSEs at 15 or a levels at 18 they can do them a year later or earlier as many home ed kids do. If you have the time and can afford it then homeschooling can be a great option. Look on the internet as there are lots of information on the legality of home educating in the UK. The council CANNOT force her to go to school. you just need to write a letter to remove her from the register and say you are educating her at home. Many kids who homeschool and are bullied actually de-school for 6 months which involves no formatted learning just playing and doing things they enjoy going out etc and creating a sense of safety. Any way I wish you all the best and I hope you are getting the support that you need. PM me if you would like any links. Take care its such a stressful time for everyone. PS there are also great mental health books you can get for kids on prescription from your library.

juicingqueen74 · 31/10/2020 09:24

Definately agree with Janet above about joining facebook groups and forums as a wealth of info and knowledge re homeschooling xx

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