I just can’t send my children back to school

[Ijustcantcope]

I have always been anxious about Covid. I’m vulnerable, DH is older and I help take care of elderly parents. I took my children out of school just before lockdown as I was bloody petrified.

I managed to send them back for their week in June and then in September although my anxiety levels were high. When they broke up for half term it was a blessed relief. I could finally sleep well and eat. I felt relaxed and happy.

But now as going back to school is looming I’ve got the sick feeling back again. I couldn’t get to sleep last night and had a good cry.

I’ve always had health anxiety around the children which was caused by 10 miscarriages before I had them, then 1 of them having a lot of medical issues. I had just got better with it and now this.

One child is desperate to go to school, the other one isn’t bothered. I am a supply teacher (not working at the moment) so am happy to home school them and they did well over lockdown. But I feel guilty about them missing all the things they love about school.

I just feel that if I knew what was coming e.g. if we were going to lockdown again or there was going to be a vaccine I could make a more informed decision. I’m just so worried about making a wrong one. Either way, it’s going to be shit.

What if the vaccine doesnt work and this goes on for years. I can’t protect us all then. Some days I feel like just going out there and catching it. If I end up dying or my parents do well then that’s it. If we don’t we can move on without all this worry.

I don’t think I can take much more.

And I can’t seek help for my anxiety. I’ve tried. Apparently someone will contact me for talking therapy within 24 weeks.

[Acornsgalore]

Even in the worse case scenario people are recovering well with the new treatments even if hospitalised.

Is this correct though? A family friend of ours is a lung specialist who is advising a uk county council. He is saying something rather different; first that Covid19 is a something you want to avoid catching at all costs and second that the medics themselves don't know the extent of long term effects.

[Friendsoftheearth]

acorn Yes both articles are in today's Times and Telegraph, they confirmed that the likelihood of patients now dying from covid is significantly lower now than in March, hospital admissions are down, ICU admissions are definitely down - and the treatments being used now are making a big difference to outcome. The way patients are being treated has been adjusted, new treatments have proved successful in treating very ill patients. So yes there is good reason to feel very optimistic. We know that medics have differing views about covid, our friend an ICU consultant is feeling very buoyant about the advances being made.

Articles are not on line yet for me to link, but they will be in the next few hours. It is an interesting read.

No one 'wants' to catch covid Acorn, no one wants to find out if they are going to be the unlucky one to suffer for longer. But given we are on an anxiety thread, I am not sure it is helpful...

[Acornsgalore]

@Friendsoftheearth

acorn Yes both articles are in today's Times and Telegraph, they confirmed that the likelihood of patients now dying from covid is significantly lower now than in March, hospital admissions are down, ICU admissions are definitely down - and the treatments being used now are making a big difference to outcome. The way patients are being treated has been adjusted, new treatments have proved successful in treating very ill patients. So yes there is good reason to feel very optimistic. We know that medics have differing views about covid, our friend an ICU consultant is feeling very buoyant about the advances being made.

Articles are not on line yet for me to link, but they will be in the next few hours. It is an interesting read.

No one 'wants' to catch covid Acorn, no one wants to find out if they are going to be the unlucky one to suffer for longer. But given we are on an anxiety thread, I am not sure it is helpful...

Friendsoftheearth Well let's hope "your" consultant is more correct than "my" consultant! (I am afraid I don't put as much trust in The Times and The Telegraph as you do.) But if treatments generally are getting better, that's obviously a very good thing.

As for stirring anxiety, obviously that's not my intention, but I think there would be less anxiety now if the government had treated us with a bit more intelligence from the outset, rather than suppressing information about Covid-19 spreading in schools and saying "it's all going to be fine" when logistically, with so many teachers and pupils quarantining, it patently is far from ideal.

[herecomesthsun]

So this is the top article at the Telegraph

www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2020/10/27/second-covid-wave-forecast-deadly-first/

which is not altogether cheery.

500 deaths would be better than 1000 per day, but they are projecting that this could continue for months.

[Lavendersy]

What scientific study is the telegraph article based on? Unfortunately I can't read it.

[herecomesthsun]

It is insider info apparently re SAGE advice to no 10, so presumably based on unpublished data SAGE has?

"Downing Street is privately working on the assumption that the second wave of coronavirus will be more deadly than the first, with the death toll remaining high throughout the winter.

An internal analysis of the projected course of the second wave is understood to show deaths peaking at a lower level than in the spring but remaining at that level for weeks or even months.

It is understood that the projection – provided by the Scientific Advisory Group for Emergencies (Sage) – has led to intense lobbying from Sir Patrick Vallance and other Government advisers for Boris Johnson to take more drastic action.

"It's going to be worse this time, more deaths," said one well-placed source. "That is the projection that has been put in front of the Prime Minister, and he is now being put under a lot of pressure to lock down again." "

[Nellodee]

Why would deaths peak and stay at that peak? They either increase or decrease. Nowhere in the world has had a steady peak of deaths. It seems incredibly unlikely.

[Thismustbelove]

Because the expected benefits outweigh the risks to that person

The expected benefits? The OP is the best person to weigh up the benefits.

The benefits people talk about for young children are based on the schools being a form of childcare setting.
If there wasn’t such poverty in the UK and so many children didn’t depend on being fed by schools, at least the discussion would be around the need for education only. People homeschool effectively for their children’s entire education. People should have the choice of temporarily removing their children without consequences for twelve months leaving those who are happy to send their children to school to do so.
The teachers would be less exposed that way too.

[starrynight19]

Superb post herecomesthesun.

Op you need to do what’s right for you and people on here shouldn’t be telling you what to do either way.

I hope you find a compromise that works for you and it’s very hard your right.

[Tiredeyesneedsleep]

@ssd

Great Post herecomesthesun

How can it be a great post when it quotes a 1-2% fatal outcome. That's scare.ongering of the highest order

[Ijustcantcope]

Thank you for all the links, I will have a look at them all now.

Another parent has just messaged me to say that she is also worried about sending her children back as the secondary feeder school to ours now has 50 cases of Covid.

It’s just an impossible decision to make. I might send them back and there might be no cases at all until xmas and then they’ve missed out on 6 weeks for nothing.

[starrynight19]

You know better than any of us whether your children need to be in school.

‘Great post’ in reference to her post at 8.24 as above.

[wehowitch]

Has your school had lots of cases?

[Tiredeyesneedsleep]

@starrynight19

You know better than any of us whether your children need to be in school.

‘Great post’ in reference to her post at 8.24 as above.

Yeah, the one that says "If the risks of a fatal outcome ar 1-2% then the chances of surviving are 98-99% and that is a more reassuring way of looking at it."

Thats not great. Its mile over the top and will panic people who are already panicked unnecessarily

[Hailtomyteeth]

OP, you're in a good position to home ed for a while.
You and I both know they'd learn nothing important in school that they couldn't catch up in a few days on eventual return.
If I had a school age child, they wouldn't be going in.

[Ijustcantcope]

Actually that 1-2% risk of death is correct for my DH and I. I did the official Covid predictor app and that is what we score with our pre existing conditions and age.

[Ijustcantcope]

@Hailtomyteeth

OP, you're in a good position to home ed for a while.
You and I both know they'd learn nothing important in school that they couldn't catch up in a few days on eventual return.
If I had a school age child, they wouldn't be going in.

I have absolutely no qualms about their academic learning if I took them out. I actually know (from assessments) that they made more progress with me at home this year. It’s the social side of school for my eldest that worries me as she thrives on it. My other one is perfectly content at home.

[Beebityboo]

I would remove mine in a heartbeat if they wouldn't have to lose their school places. I'm in constant disbelief that parents are being put in this position.

[herecomesthsun]

Can I suggest that people read, if not the whole thread, at least the OP's posts? There is a link in blue on which you can click and it will bring them all up.

That way you can see for example that she

• is a qualified teacher and
• she and her husband have been medically advised that they have a small but real risk of mortality with covid.

It saves confusion and is courteous to the OP who is posting about a personal issue that is extremely important to her.

thank you

[OpheliasCrayon]

@Ijustcantcope I'm very impressed - I'm a specialist teacher and I couldn't teach my kids!

As a compromise is there anything your children could do as an extra curricular thing that could cover some of the social side of things if you do keep them at home?

I'm wondering if there's anything like horse riding or something that doesn't actually mean they're right up next to other children but they're with their peers doing something?

[IloveJKRowling]

Many parents of teens, by definition, are in their fifties and sixties and some have risk factors. As important as education is at their age, if a teen loses a parent to Covid-19 - especially a main bread-winner - their life is likely to be affected more profoundly than if they had deferred their education for a few months; or participated in online learning instead of attending school. It's too simple to say people are just thinking about themselves and not their DC.

This.

Also, you can't just get a test before Christmas and assume you're covid free- it can take up to 14 days to develop. Do people really not know this now? If you want to be around elderly people after being in school you need to isolate for 2 weeks first.

I do think, in the OP's situation, her children are primarily getting socialisation from school. Arguably, since she's a teacher herself, 1 to 1 or 1 to 2 teaching at home from a qualified teacher will provide better educational outcomes than school (in massive class sizes - we have among the largest, most crowded classrooms in Europe).

I know a teacher friend who said her daughter moved up 2 sets during lockdown due, no doubt, to the individual attention.

I think the fact OP is a teacher changes her risk assessment a lot. If I was a qualified teacher and knew I could offer proper homeschooling, I'd keep my kids home for sure.

The socialisation side is hard, but it's probably only for 6 months to get over the winter months - by which time many are saying a vaccine will be available. And I think socialisation will suffer as bubbles pop too and different kids are off at different times, disrupting friendship groups - the endless in and out of school will become disruptive and upsetting.

Everyone keeps saying that treatments are better etc - that's true now, but it becomes less so if hospitals become overwhelmed with staff off sick or isolating and not enough space or staff. If you read the NHS threads there are a lot of scared medics who are unsure they can keep going this time around.

I think OP sounds like she's really lucky and has the skills and environment to make homeschooling over winter a really positive experience for her kids (and if they're both home they'll be socialising with each other at least too).

[IloveJKRowling]

Also Ophelia has a good suggestion - socialisation doesn't just have to come from school.

[OpheliasCrayon]

@IloveJKRowling

Also Ophelia has a good suggestion - socialisation doesn't just have to come from school.

I'm afraid I couldn't really think of much that meant they'd be with kids but distanced . Other than horses. I initially thought martial arts but then they practice on each other....
Yoga? Something like that maybe?
Maybe someone has better suggestions than I do along these lines!

[commandatori]

Please don’t let your anxiety impact your children’s education. I think you need to look at medication for your anxiety. Call your GP again and stress you are in crisis - mental health services in this country aren’t famously good but it would be wrong to keep your children off school, especially as you say one is desperate to go back.

[OpheliasCrayon]

@commandatori

Please don’t let your anxiety impact your children’s education. I think you need to look at medication for your anxiety. Call your GP again and stress you are in crisis - mental health services in this country aren’t famously good but it would be wrong to keep your children off school, especially as you say one is desperate to go back.

I mean whilst I'm making other suggestions - I do also agree with this.

There are medications you can take and you may be able to feel better.

Even if you STILL don't want to send your children back to school, I feel you deserve help for your anxiety. We need to live with this virus and I feel like you have been so much until now that you do deserve help.

I'm not saying you'll stop being anxious and agree with all of us who think kids should be in school - or indeed that you should feel that. But maybe you could get some medical help for the way you feel along side what you feel is best for your family.