I just can’t send my children back to school

[Ijustcantcope]

I have always been anxious about Covid. I’m vulnerable, DH is older and I help take care of elderly parents. I took my children out of school just before lockdown as I was bloody petrified.

I managed to send them back for their week in June and then in September although my anxiety levels were high. When they broke up for half term it was a blessed relief. I could finally sleep well and eat. I felt relaxed and happy.

But now as going back to school is looming I’ve got the sick feeling back again. I couldn’t get to sleep last night and had a good cry.

I’ve always had health anxiety around the children which was caused by 10 miscarriages before I had them, then 1 of them having a lot of medical issues. I had just got better with it and now this.

One child is desperate to go to school, the other one isn’t bothered. I am a supply teacher (not working at the moment) so am happy to home school them and they did well over lockdown. But I feel guilty about them missing all the things they love about school.

I just feel that if I knew what was coming e.g. if we were going to lockdown again or there was going to be a vaccine I could make a more informed decision. I’m just so worried about making a wrong one. Either way, it’s going to be shit.

What if the vaccine doesnt work and this goes on for years. I can’t protect us all then. Some days I feel like just going out there and catching it. If I end up dying or my parents do well then that’s it. If we don’t we can move on without all this worry.

I don’t think I can take much more.

And I can’t seek help for my anxiety. I’ve tried. Apparently someone will contact me for talking therapy within 24 weeks.

And 'others' doesn't mean other teachers it means other posters.

@OliveTree75 I refer you to my previous answer.

@monkeytennis97

Yes *@OpheliasCrayon* you and others are the 'not all' in my post.

However as I've said in my post, whilst I don't agree with her anxiety or fears I do understand why she feels the way she does.

@OpheliasCrayon agree with you there.

@Oblomov20

I completely disagree with Pikachubaby:

"Your anxiety makes sense

There is nothing wrong with you, or with having this worry. It’s normal".

I don't think it's normal at all. Your anxiety, Your parenting is damaging your children. This is NOT ok.

Please phone your GP and ask for help, more medication, CBT.

I really think it's wrong of MN to confine such behaviour and present it as normal, ok. Because I don't think it is.

There is absoloutely nothing abnormal about being frightened of getting a virus we still know nothing about, that has, and will kill thousands. There is nothing abnormal about worrying our DC's will catch it at schools that have not been made safe for them, or the staff and parents.
This feels like March again when people still had their fingers in their ears about what was going to happen.
I'm sick of posters being gaslit on this board when they need support.

You know better than any of us whether your children need to be in school.

I completely sympathize as we are in a similar situation.

I think your concerns are realistic.

The chances of getting covid are very high for any teacher or parent whose children continue in school. It also isn't possible to shield from one's own children.

If the risks of a fatal outcome ar 1-2% then the chances of surviving are 98-99% and that is a more reassuring way of looking at it.

By the same way of looking at things, even elderly parents are much more likely to survive as an outcome. However, one wouldn't choose to take the risk, and of course, there can be long-lasting after-effects of covid , not just long covid.

Personally, I would not consider trying to climb Mount Everest, specifically because of the risk of adverse outcome or death (fatality 6.5%) The risk for me is probably in that region for covid, so I am pretty keen to avoid it!

It is not a reasonable comparison to make with the risk of a car accident, for example (1770 UK road deaths in 2018 compared with 45-60,000+ covid deaths March- October 2020)

We have had 61,469 deaths so far, and government advisers are predicting that the second wave could be even worse.

In these circumstances, a lot of parents who can home school are going to realistically look at keeping children at home, and we certainly will be considering this further, especially as cases and deaths rise and the local area teeters on going up a tier. It will be interesting to see what happens after term.

One positive way of thinking about this situation is that as a vulnerable parents who can home school, you do have enough time, education and savings to do it, and are in these respects very fortunate. Such parents are lucky to have a situation that gives us choice, even if the government is not currently making it easy for us.

You don't need to listen to people who tell you that you "have to" keep children in school. There is no" have to", it is your choice, and a choice you would be making either way with the children's best interests at heart. You are lucky to have each other and that is the important thing. Please don't feel guilty either way, it is such a difficult decision.

I'm really pleased that my children had a good experience of home schooling over the summer, and also pleased that they enjoyed going back to school. We may need to move between the two again, and it's good that both options have some appeal for them.

There is always time to make up education, you may well not be able to make good an insult to health.

Re mental health, this situation is indeed itself anxiety making.

Books on prescription reading list here, in case it's helpful reading-well.org.uk/books/books-on-prescription/mental-health#self-help

NHS anxiety site

anxiety around covid

[quote monkeytennis97]@OpheliasCrayon agree with you there. [/quote]
I also know from my own experience having had a late stillbirth that mental health help is very hard to get. I was blessed to be able to get it very quickly through my hospital but had I gone to the charity local to me it was a ten months minimum wait. For people who had just buried their children. It's so sad but there just isn't the money. And then, people end up struggling so so much , as I have / do (in other areas not covid) and as OP is. So I'm minimising nothing.

I'd keep them home.

Great Post herecomesthesun

@OpheliasCrayon so sorry to hear about your loss. Please don't think I'm having a go at you, I am just commenting that the teachers on the post seem to be much more empathy about OP's fears than others possibly as they know Covid secure is utter bobbins in schools.

@herecomesthsun agree with SSD great post.

*empathetic

@OpheliasCrayon I totally understand about the lack of MH support as being a mother to a child who is severely disabled and is now in care has sadly given me quite a deep experience of it too. and to both of us.

[quote monkeytennis97]@OpheliasCrayon so sorry to hear about your loss. Please don't think I'm having a go at you, I am just commenting that the teachers on the post seem to be much more empathy about OP's fears than others possibly as they know Covid secure is utter bobbins in schools.[/quote]
Oh I know it's total nonsense!! My bubble has just closed because of covid cases!! Schools are in no way covid secure.

However I also believe education is of the utmost importance and children should be in school.

Definitely not saying schools aren't risky but I do strongly believe that the risk is worth taking

@OpheliasCrayon yes indeed. I don't have a bubble (you must be in Primary?).

You need to rationalise your feelings surely you want your DC to have an education. Children have minimal risk of getting seriously ill from Covid. So is this more about you than them.

Of course schools can't be 'Covid secure' just like Unis, offices or any place can be free of Covid. The virus is circulating everywhere.

But that doesn't mean the vast majority of children or teenagers shouldn't be at school or Uni.

If a child or family member is ecv then they should have the option to stay away from school without being fined.

[quote monkeytennis97]@OpheliasCrayon yes indeed. I don't have a bubble (you must be in Primary?).[/quote]
Primary a bit (tis my side hustle LOL) but I'm am sen teacher

Whilst I do feel (based on what you written) your anxiety is profound, you are in a good place to improve it as well as keeping your children home and teaching them yourself.
Given that you are a teacher and have land and plenty of space for the children to play/exercise, in your shoes, I'd take them out for the rest of the term and re-assess in December.

Op, you acknowledge you had anxiety before this, so it is to be expected that a pandemic was always going to be very difficult and challenging for you to deal with, and you have been very open about this in your post.

In your shoes I would take the emotion out of it.

Just how vulnerable are you? There is a world of difference between an overweight asthmatic and someone coping with lung cancer for instance. So in terms of your vulnerability be honest about how serious this actually is. My dd is an asthmatic, fairly seriously ill and a battle at the best of times, she is at no more risk than anyone else because she is an allergy asthmatic, and the latest very large and detailed studies suggest that no extra risk is present in most asthmatics for example. Please look into the actual risk versus you think it might be.

You have suggested your risk age is; 52 which is actually good news, that is not high at all. Even in the worse case scenario people are recovering well with the new treatments even if hospitalised. There is no reason to think even if you caught the virus you would be ill, very ill or need hospital help.

In your position I would:

• Continue to send my children to school until christmas and review each week - balancing their need for socialising and possible long term mental health issues that could be life long for your children.

• I would stop all visits to my parents next door, as hard as it will be - you can chat through the window, drop in food, go for walks, but no more indoor contact whilst the children are in school.

• Once the children have finished school for the year I would have both children and myself and dh tested at Boots and then relax for christmas knowing everyone is covid free.

• I would if needed, review the situation depending on the numbers in your area. The safest time for your children to return is now, as the modelling suggests the peak of the second wave is weeks and weeks away.

• Talk to my GP about anxiety and consider counselling if you are finding it hard to cope with it

Personally in your position that is what I would do. We have to find some way of coping with the virus that is acceptable and achievable.

@Sonnenscheins

Of course schools can't be 'Covid secure' just like Unis, offices or any place can be free of Covid. The virus is circulating everywhere.

But that doesn't mean the vast majority of children or teenagers shouldn't be at school or Uni.

If a child or family member is ecv then they should have the option to stay away from school without being fined.

Of course I know this (re the Covid secure and virus everywhere) @Sonnenscheins

m.youtube.com/watch?v=BmvNCdpHUYM

I found this quite helpful. It won’t give you the answers or make things magically better but it’s sound stuff. I’ll post something more in depth below if I can find it but this is a good starting point.

This is such a hard time for everyone and the decisions you are making are really difficult.

If your child has health difficulties there may be psychological support for you as a parent through that.

Why are you vulnerable OP? Is it a medical condition or weight, etc? Depending upon the vulnerability you risk may be lower, &/or you may be able to do something to help feel less out of control. You're "young" which helps.

Are schools 100% safe? no but I think my children are better off in school.

phw.nhs.wales/services-and-teams/activate-your-life/

This is the more in-depth course based on ACT (its a more developed, in my opinion improved, CBT).

@Pixxie7

You need to rationalise your feelings surely you want your DC to have an education. Children have minimal risk of getting seriously ill from Covid. So is this more about you than them.

It's slightly more complicated than that though isn't it? Many parents of teens, by definition, are in their fifties and sixties and some have risk factors. As important as education is at their age, if a teen loses a parent to Covid-19 - especially a main bread-winner - their life is likely to be affected more profoundly than if they had deferred their education for a few months; or participated in online learning instead of attending school. It's too simple to say people are just thinking about themselves and not their DC.