I just can’t send my children back to school

[Ijustcantcope]

I have always been anxious about Covid. I’m vulnerable, DH is older and I help take care of elderly parents. I took my children out of school just before lockdown as I was bloody petrified.

I managed to send them back for their week in June and then in September although my anxiety levels were high. When they broke up for half term it was a blessed relief. I could finally sleep well and eat. I felt relaxed and happy.

But now as going back to school is looming I’ve got the sick feeling back again. I couldn’t get to sleep last night and had a good cry.

I’ve always had health anxiety around the children which was caused by 10 miscarriages before I had them, then 1 of them having a lot of medical issues. I had just got better with it and now this.

One child is desperate to go to school, the other one isn’t bothered. I am a supply teacher (not working at the moment) so am happy to home school them and they did well over lockdown. But I feel guilty about them missing all the things they love about school.

I just feel that if I knew what was coming e.g. if we were going to lockdown again or there was going to be a vaccine I could make a more informed decision. I’m just so worried about making a wrong one. Either way, it’s going to be shit.

What if the vaccine doesnt work and this goes on for years. I can’t protect us all then. Some days I feel like just going out there and catching it. If I end up dying or my parents do well then that’s it. If we don’t we can move on without all this worry.

I don’t think I can take much more.

And I can’t seek help for my anxiety. I’ve tried. Apparently someone will contact me for talking therapy within 24 weeks.

[Staffy1]

I sympathise OP. I feel so anxious all the time since school has started again. I worry for my DS who I think will get it a lot worse than most for various reasons and my elderly mum and also myself. It's constantly hanging over everything and I avoid going anywhere as much as possible.

[IloveJKRowling]

I was going to come on and say watch Dr Campbell and you have done!

The government in their risk assessments for schools (if you can call them that) have failed to look at impacts on children of parents becoming ill or dying. Risk assessment should be about both likelihood of a hazard and the consequences. I think you're spot on saying

I know our risk probably isn’t that great but it’s the catastrophic harm that would be cause me to our children if one of us died or was seriously ill. I have to weigh that against the missing friends for months. It’s so tough.

Nuclear power plants are incredibly well run and the risk of an accident is virtually zero but that doesn't mean we don't bother with strict safety protocols because if an accident does occur the consequences can be very great.

Because the government has pretty much no meaningful mitigation in schools at all at this point, it makes it a difficult decision. It's not anxiety if it's a real risk with potentially very harmful consequences.

Yes, road traffic accidents occur, but there are traffic lights and speed limits. We don't have the equivalent safety measures in schools for covid. I think that's what makes the decision so difficult. Dr Fauci in the US keeps saying the keys to keeping infection low are masks, avoid long duration in indoor crowded spaces, distance and wash hands. In schools we only do one of those. No space, long time indoor in crowds, no masks. This paper is also useful - it's quite clear schools are high risk environments. www.bmj.com/content/370/bmj.m3223

I know how you feel - it really isn't black and white and is an incredibly difficult decision. Many other countries close schools at the community levels of infection we now have across the country. If you look at deaths we've gone beyond the level we were at when we locked down in March.

And it's not just about death, it's about long covid too. I know several people with it and it's terrible, and makes it difficult to parent.

I'm pretty much at the same point as you in deciding - I just really don't know what to do. I'm thinking that if I do send my children back I will have to do so in the knowledge that catching coronavirus will probably be inevitable. I agree with you also that it's not the catching it per se which is worrying but the idea that hospitals may be overwhelmed when we do.

Sorry - that's not very helpful - a long winded way of saying you're not alone and I think your fears are entirely rational.

[herecomesthsun]

@Ploughingthrough

You are being frightened by the media, and you are letting your anxieties about health impact your children's educational and social needs.
The amount of school that some children have missed could have implications well into their adulthood and on their job prospects - you should send your children to school. I am not dismissing your worries, but there is risk in everything that we do, as outlined by Quarks above. If you really need to keep them off longer, then you need to look into tutoring from qualified tutors as part of a decent home education package.

Did you perhaps not read the full thread? As this lady is a teacher?

[walfordwatcher]

I agree with every word and every worry, OP. My husband is clinically extremely vulnerable and therefore we have stayed home since March to protect him. But no matter what we do while the children attend school and college (in bubbles of 150, plus mixing with others on the bus) we are not safe. There have been cases in all the schools here, but they have not been asked to isolate. I would home school but although I can home school my children, three are foster children I do not have parental responsibility and cannot do that. I did not realise how stressful it all was, until this half term when I can breathe and sleep again. I wish, I do wish I could keep them home as the thrived in lockdown, both academically and socially, and being such a big family they were never bored or lonely. I so hope shielding will be reinstated because it was lifted most people think my husband's lung disease was magically cured on 1 August. Good luck, OP, you are not alone.

[Thismustbelove]

I totally understand why you feel as you do and I think very similarly.
Posters are asking you about your anxiety but your anxiety is due to a virus that despite unprecedented restrictions, is impossible to contain.
I cannot understand people who talk about being asymptomatic and low risk. Nobody knows how their bodies will react until they get it. Why would anybody willingly risk getting it when they can limit their movements and try to reduce the chances of bringing it into their homes.
I was talking to a friend last night who told me she isn't worried about covid at all. As the conversation continued, she told me that she doesn't read about covid anymore as she 'prefers' not to. I am flabbergasted by this attitude of ignorance is bliss.

[Remmy123]

Honestly try and not watch news, a friend Was totally petrified of Covid .. then her very obese asthmatic sister got it and it was nothing more than a sniffle!!

[OliveTree75]

@Thismustbelove

I totally understand why you feel as you do and I think very similarly.
Posters are asking you about your anxiety but your anxiety is due to a virus that despite unprecedented restrictions, is impossible to contain.
I cannot understand people who talk about being asymptomatic and low risk. Nobody knows how their bodies will react until they get it. Why would anybody willingly risk getting it when they can limit their movements and try to reduce the chances of bringing it into their homes.
I was talking to a friend last night who told me she isn't worried about covid at all. As the conversation continued, she told me that she doesn't read about covid anymore as she 'prefers' not to. I am flabbergasted by this attitude of ignorance is bliss.

It is perfectly reasonable to distance yourself from the news as long as you are following guidelines.

[MrPickles73]

Stop watching the news. The media is hyping covid up massively. I stopped in April and feel much better for it.
Fatality rate is not 4 percent. It's less than 1 percent.
Where we live out of 3000 people 1 has died with covid since March. We have an elderly population. Loads will have died of other stuff - cancer, pneumonia, old age in the same time period.

[MrPickles73]

Some 93 percent who have died died with covid are over 60. Do if you're not over 60 your chances of dying are v slim. Long covid is much more common in the elderly too. A friend of mine had covid. Her husband and children didn't catch it off her and she said she felt fluey for 3 days and that was it.

[Acornsgalore]

@Quarks69

As parents one of the hardest things is realising we cannot protect children from everything in life. You have to think of them .. They need to be with theIt friends so they feel normal. If they get the virus they have a negligible chance of dying, but a higher risk of mental illness, especially if they pick up on your worries.

As a teacher I see how much the students enjoy being at school and how the most stressed ones have picked it up from their parents.

Slap a fake smile on your face, give them their masks and keep those extreme thoughts to yourself. This situation is not going to change for another six months, that’s too long to live with Such dark thoughts.

Mmm. I agree with DC going back to secondary school and I don't think as parents we have exhibited massive stress; more of a "better get on with it" attitude. However, DH is overweight and over sixty and my teen is terrified of killing her father who is wfh. No one is thinking of the anxiety the other way around!

[Sonnenscheins]

Why would anybody willingly risk getting it when they can limit their movements and try to reduce the chances of bringing it into their homes.

Because the expected benefits outweigh the risks to that person.

[monkeytennis97]

@Acornsgalore I agree. The mental health argument has all been one way as it has suited the government's narrative "Let's get the kids back to school 'for their mental health'(and you worker drones back to work)". There are kids and families where school creates or exacerbates a mental health problem.

[Sonnenscheins]

Yes, it can go the other way, but the Government has to do what's best for the majority of children and teenagers, and being in school is the better option for most.

I do think children should be allowed to be taken out of school without penalties.

[OpheliasCrayon]

I think your issue is anxiety. Your children need to be in school, truly they do. I'm vulnerable as well but really the odds are so much in anyone's favour that we will just be fine.

They do need to go and im so sorry that you can't access help for 24 weeks that's absolutely ludicrous.

I've said it's anxiety speaking but I do also understand why - ten miscarriages must have been absolutely horrendous for you to go through and no wonder you want to protect your children at any costs. Whilst I'm saying it's anxiety speaking please do not forget that you are an exceptionally strong person for going through that and the fact that one of your children has medical issues. I do completely understand why you have the anxiety you do. I've had one miscarriage and a late stillbirth and to be honest I seem to have gone the other way - I feel like i've been through the worst I could in losing a child so I'm stupidly chilled about anything else. But, I totally understand why you are so anxious.

Is there any way you could push for the mental health help? I cautiously suggest paying for it privately, but am terribly sorry if that isn't something you could afford - this said a LOT of private mental health help, especially around baby loss do offer their services on a scale of what you are able to pay (I can't remember what the word is for that - where you pay according to how much you earn?!). Unfortunately it is often the case that baby loss support is also a long wait and I feel you may be aware of that as well.

What you've been through is SO hard and there is no way, having lost a child as well that I am ever going to minimize what you've been through and say well you need to send your children to school because it's "just anxiety". Anxiety is absolutely horrendous and you have every reason. But I do think that if you possibly can come to terms with them going it is the best thing.

In the meanwhile I am so sorry for your losses and I hope there is some way you can get help because it is an absolutely horrendous path that we walk when we've lost little ones, whatever gestation they were.

[NannyMcphee39]

I am taking my Dd out until the Covid situation is manageable. We are in Greater Manchester and the situation is very bad here. Pretty much everyone I know has had Covid or currently has it. Now the school mums and dads have it as I honestly think many children are asymptomatic and don’t know they are passing it on.

Home Ed would not be my choice normally but I will do this until a vaccine becomes available. I am vulnerable and so are my elderly grandparents who live with us.

OP is being made to feel hysterical by some posters on here when really there is a risk. My GP died of this illness, my friend died of it. I also know people who have it mild, I know someone with long Covid. It’s understandable to worry about an unpredictable virus. The hospitals here saw their busiest day yesterday with the most Covid admissions since the start of the pandemic.

Do what is right for you and your family OP.

[TheKeatingFive]

You owe it to your child who is ‘desperate’ to go to school (your words) to get over this.

Age is the biggest risk factor for Covid. Your own risk is almost certainly less than you imagine. We live with risk all the time, we are notoriously bad at assessing it.

[Quartz2208]

At the moment there are no cases in your school as long as that continues the benefits of sending definitely outweigh the risks.

Tell your children to follow COVID secure behaviour as much as they can and regroup if cases do start to appear

[NannyMcphee39]

I also am enraged with these posters telling OP to get mental health help.

Unless OP has substantial means available and can pay privately for a counsellor there is a massive NHS waiting list for this. I really think it is bad to advise someone to seek help when you know for a fact that help could take a year to come along!

Also as I said before, OP is not hysterical, the virus is very real and if you are in an area like mine there really is a risk!

[kezziethecat]

Totally understand your anxiety. I do think children need to be at school at the moment though, I've found it's the only 'normal' place for my children during this time. My son has a heart condition so I do get it being worrying but I looked at the stats of children getting seriously ill and weighed it up.

[Oblomov20]

I completely disagree with Pikachubaby:

"Your anxiety makes sense

There is nothing wrong with you, or with having this worry. It’s normal".

I don't think it's normal at all. Your anxiety, Your parenting is damaging your children. This is NOT ok.

Please phone your GP and ask for help, more medication, CBT.

I really think it's wrong of MN to confine such behaviour and present it as normal, ok. Because I don't think it is.

[OliveTree75]

OP you've said yourself that your child is desperate to be in school. Surely their opinion is more valid than strangers on MN.

[monkeytennis97]

I think it's quite telling that many teachers (not all) on this thread are not dismissing OP's fears as others are doing.

[OpheliasCrayon]

@monkeytennis97

I think it's quite telling that many teachers (not all) on this thread are not dismissing OP's fears as others are doing.

I'm a teacher, who is vulnerable, and I think OPs children should be in school.

[monkeytennis97]

Yes @OpheliasCrayon you and others are the 'not all' in my post.

[OliveTree75]

@monkeytennis97

I think it's quite telling that many teachers (not all) on this thread are not dismissing OP's fears as others are doing.

I'm a teacher too. I think her children should be in school too.