I’m not sure how much more I can take.

[WingingIt101]

I don’t really know why I’m writing. I think I just need to get this all out somewhere.
Before you read this please know I’m aware I’m lucky and people have had it far far worse, I’m not trying to diminish that at all.

I began my mat leave on 13th March, on the 16th pregnant women were classed as vulnerable and as a result I had to cancel all my lovely relaxing maternity leave plans before my baby arrived and instead spent two weeks fearfully visiting supermarkets to try and find nappies that had been panic bought and formula that people had bought for their tea and coffee.

I then gave birth to my baby the week lockdown started. By the hour guidance in hospital was changing - would my husband be allowed to stay with me and our baby, what would happen if we needed to stay in etc. I had a traumatic birth but thankfully we were all ok and discharged a few days later. I engaged with MH teams to process the traumatic birth as my HV advised I was displaying ptsd symptoms.

I then couldn’t introduce my baby to my family for months. I couldn’t receive the usual support from family, friends, community health teams - it all went virtual and whilst I’m sure everyone was doing their best, we were alone. It was shit.

We found a “new normal” and made the best of our situation as has the whole country.
We’ve lived with the worry of our baby getting ill, taking sensible precautions within the rules but not becoming prisoners in our home. Trying to achieve a balance.

Then last week my husband got a call from test and trace to say he had been in direct contact with a confirmed case. The same day dh, dd and I started coming down with a mild cough. Without the t&t call I wouldn’t have gotten tested for Covid as it wasn’t continuous but the call meant we all got tested.
Dh - positive
Dd and I - negative

So for a week now we have isolated from the world, and further more from dh.
I have done absolutely everything for dd without the usual support of being at a baby group where someone else takes on coming up with the songs for 30 mins, or my parents who will make a cuppa and help be an extra pair of eyes. I haven’t had my husband to help with the 24-7 nature of being a parent. I know there are single parents out there and good god I take my hat off to you.
I have also done everything for dh to prevent him leaving our bedroom, providing regular change of cloths to disinfect with, all his meals outside the door etc.
I have liaised with my lovely kind gp for exhaustion, and pushed my HV for help but as she hasn’t bothered speaking to us since the first few weeks I wasn’t surprised when she told me to get over it and watch my MH as I had wobbled at the start! (every time I’ve reached out I’ve been told she’s too busy or to try the go, and the wobble she refers to was birth trauma I dealt with immediately- chuffed she threw it back in my face) Last few days dd and I coughs have worsened so we re-tested today. Awaiting results.

This afternoon/ Tonight dd went downhill and became very raspy. I called gp who was closed for training. Directed to 111. Called back by 111 doctor who said it was likely Covid but that it was very unusual for a young baby to display symptoms and to have a face to face assessment with out of hours so he referred us in.
OOH called and dismissed me entirely, treated me like I was stupid and said “kids that get it are fine and you shouldn’t be taking her to see doctors who you could make ill- what would you want them to do anyway??” I got upset and insisted on a second doctor as I was being given conflicting advice.
Second doctor conducted a more thorough assessment using video call and dd has remained at home for now - she seems to be doing ok.

But I’m scared. For what the next 24 hours holds and for the longer term.
If dd and I are positive we have to extend our isolation from dh to avoid passing it back to him - I can’t do it alone any more.
If we are negative what happens in the future - I want to go about my life without fear but my baby - how do I give her normality whilst keeping her safe.

I just feel so exhausted. I feel like the tank is empty and yet the need is for me to keep doing and giving for everyone. I’m on my knees. I want to be a good mummy and I can’t get her access to services.

If you’ve gotten this far, thank you. And I’m sorry for moaning so much. I know I know I know people have died and experienced so much worse. I just feel so hopeless. Please try and give me a shred of hope or determination if you feel you want to comment.
If you can’t be kind please move past my thread.

it sounds very tough.

Mind you, if DH just tested +ve last week, if you then test +ve, I don't think you would need to isolate from him. I'd suggest you talk it over with your doctor or other health professional? possibly the covid advice line, if there is a delay in talking to a doctor?

That sounds horrendous. You sound exhausted. I really hope your DD remains ok xx

Oh OP. I don't know what to say except I'm in a very similar scenario, though my DD is slightly older. It's shit, isn't it? Really shit. I can't offer any advice as I'm struggling to see a light at the end of the tunnel myself, but offering a handhold instead and the knowledge that you're not alone. I'm told being a new mum is an isolating experience at the best of times - we've had that with bells on. I'm finally getting a bit of help for PND and anxiety but god knows when that will materialise.

You're doing an amazing job. You're not on your own. This will pass. I hope you're okay

Oh op you poor thing.
I think you are absolutely awesome. You have soldiered on through an unbelievably difficult first few months of parenthood and now you have been looking after everyone. You are very impressive and a lot of people wouldn’t have coped half as well as you, and now you have had to fight to make sure your child is ok. You sound like a fabulous mother and I take my hat off to you. And it will get easier soon xxx

OP this situation is horrendous and I really feel for you and other mums that have had their babies during this time. It's bad for us all but so much worse for a new mum what with the lack of the usual support systems, and now your poor dh unable to help you. Hang in there, it will get better, it has to. Just try to rest when you can and look to the future when this whole situation passes, and it will.

God. Thank you all so much. For reading my waffle and then being so lovely.

I hope If dd and or I are positive now that dh is almost out the other side of his isolation period for being positive we can safely mix but i think they are still unsure about catching it a second time so you’re right - I’ll ask the Covid helpline depending on our results.

It’s so isolating - I always thought I’d be a bit of a protective mum not wanting to share my baby or let others help but I’ve loved doing that - seeing her with others, her little face beaming away and making the world around her so so joyful makes my heart burst with pride, accepting help because frankly who can do it all alone, it’s bloody mammoth task raising a human!!

@SideEyeing I hope your dd is ok?

It’s madness - it’s a few days of sitting in the house but my god it’s lonely and exhausting.
I hate the idea of putting anyone else at risk and if it were me who had deteriorated I’d have muddled through til I thought I definitely need medical intervention but she’s a baby, a tiny baby who can’t tell me all her symptoms and the second doctor made me feel so shit and stupid. Every other doctor I’ve ever liaised with has told me I can call as many times as I like about a baby and for as long as I like - not that I actually would call for nothing but to make the point that they always take baby concerns seriously and would rather hear ten times an hour than be too late.

Sounds horrendous OP. You're doing amazingly. If you and your DD test positive I'm sure you won't need to distance from your DH. If you're worried about your DD at any time don't be afraid to call 111 again. They're there to help and they'll understand. Good luck and I hope you're all feeling better very soon.

Bloody hell OP that’s a lot to deal with at a time when (as you said) things are tough for most people anyway. I hope things work out ok and I guess just know that your lovely little DD doesn’t know any of this and you’re just starting on that journey (hate that expression but ykwim) of doing what you have to do cos you’re a good parent. Hang in there x

If you or baby test positive you wont isolate from dh. When his 10 days is over if he is well he can go about his business as usual. We have that very situation in out house at the mo x

You are a good mummy. You have done so much for your dd and pushed for that second opinion which probably wasn't easy at all.

I agree with a pp that if you and dd are positive I don't think you will have to isolate from your DH, so would check on that for sure. The tests are very confusing with you all having symptoms, you wonder about false negatives/false positives etc.

I hope you feel better soon. Sending

Hi OP,

New(ish) mum and a nurse here. You sound incredible! So bloody strong. Your DH and DD are so fortunate to have you. Just dig deep a little while longer and even though you’re exhausted try doing some nice things for yourself. Have a bath? A glass of wine? Great that your DH is coming out the other end of it and if you do test positive, you won’t need to isolate from him

It's truly crappy. Hang on in there.

Oh, and i am sorry you have had to deal with what you have from the doctor, and your health visitor. Doesn't help at all.

Such a lot to deal with. Sending love x

Thank you all so much.
You don’t know how much your kindness is helping.

I ended up in A&E myself as I was struggling to breathe at the start of the week. I had to take my darling girl with me as I was advised she was safer with me as a negative case - it’s just another thing to add to the list of shit that has been October!!

@MB90 thank you - I thought as his isolation ends on Sunday that if we are positive and he’s then exposed to us he would need to isolate for 14 days to make sure we didn’t pass it back to him, but am I being silly and overly cautious?

Sending you hugs OP. You can do this. You’ve done such an amazing job already.
Oh and if at some point you can find the mental space and energy I’d consider putting in a complaint about that doctor xx

OOH called and dismissed me entirely, treated me like I was stupid and said “kids that get it are fine and you shouldn’t be taking her to see doctors who you could make ill- what would you want them to do anyway??”

Our good old NHS heroes...

OP deep breath and look at everything you’ve achieved. I have a friend with a new born just prior to lockdown and I joked with her that after this she will be the most chill Mum ever. This is a bloody hard time for everyone and you’re doing a bit of child rearing that so many of us found incredibly difficult even without a pandemic. So give yourself credit for coping in any way you can with this year.

I am not at all an expert but it does sound you are being over cautious if you are positive. I don’t think cases of people getting it again (still fortunately rare) are with them getting it again so fast, and I think in at least some cases are different strains. Get some advice to put your mind at rest and then you can be together.

You sound a strong and amazing woman. Keep hope and rest when / however you can.

Oh what a rough and rubbish time you have had.

I don't think you would need to isolate from DH to avoid passing it back to him. There is some uncertainty around how long immunity lasts but we do get some immunity to it - it's how our bodies can clear it out in the first place. And you have to weigh the very very teensy chance of that happening against the support that you and DD need now. But it is your call, and you have to do what you feel most comfortable with.

Your baby won't remember anything specific about this time at all. What she will carry with her is the feeling of being loved and treasured and safe and cared for. That's what matters to babies.

If it helps I suspect my baby got covid at the start of lockdown (no testing but I had all the symptoms & she had fever/cough plus fussy and miserable). Bit older than yours but only by a few months. She was ill for about a week and then was absolutely fine.

@Dongdingdong please don’t get me wrong I have huge respect for the nhs and the people working in it under such pressure at the moment. With the exception of this one doctor and my utterly useless HV every single health care professional I’ve interacted with has been incredible. Kind, patient and reassuring - one bad experience doesn’t define them all and I certainly didn’t mean to come across ungrateful or entitled so I’m sorry if I did

Really feel for you OP. I have two children 4&8 and I thank god that this happened now and not when they were tiny.

Hopefully your test comes back negative but if it is positive then I think it will be absolutely fine to mix with your OH. The chance of him catching it again off of you is unlikely, less likely than the chance of your mental health seriously deteriorating.

Op that doctor needs reporting. Disgusting thing to say to you. Your baby needed seeing.

I expressed concern to a doctor recently when I was seeing them about something else, about how I would get my dd seen with her usual wheeze when covid is a respitory illness. She told me it was for them to worry about not me and it would be fine.

Not so actually with doctors like that around. And it's torture trying to get hold of 111 and docs at the best of time.

Op my heart goes out to you. You've had a really tough time. But your over the worst and each day baby gets stronger and more resilient and able to fight off illness.

Winter might be tough but I'm very sure everything will be OK by March. Steel yourself for the next few months, throw money at it if you can.. Anything to get through! You are a tough cookie, you made it this far!!

Op not everyone in the NHS is a hero actually. Like every one else some are down right awful and should not be allowed near humans and others are great!

God that’s awful poor you. Hard enough being a new mother without all that

'Our good old NHS heroes......'

I have to say that this made me smile. My experience exactly, down to the savage realism.

But OP, I'm so sorry. This IS utter shit. Many of us have dealt with some of the same feelings, birth problems etc that you describe, but in infinitely more encouraging and supported circumstances. Totally see where you're coming from, and I think you're doing a fantastic job to be managing as well as you are. (Am not sure my husband would have been getting all his meals left outside the door, it might have been more a packet of crisps and a Deliveroo he'd ordered.)

This isn't much consolation but you probably are at the darkest point now. Once DH is better, things will be easier. Feeding and sleep deprivation will be easier too in a couple of months. If you could afford it, it could also be worth (once isolation ends, and especially if you're planning to go back to work) to organise a couple of mornings a week of paid childcare in a nursery? We might not be able to pass our children to relatives at the moment, but we are allowed to send them to nursery. It sounds as if even a small number of hours would give you some time to rest and recharge.