I don’t really know why I’m writing. I think I just need to get this all out somewhere.
Before you read this please know I’m aware I’m lucky and people have had it far far worse, I’m not trying to diminish that at all.
I began my mat leave on 13th March, on the 16th pregnant women were classed as vulnerable and as a result I had to cancel all my lovely relaxing maternity leave plans before my baby arrived and instead spent two weeks fearfully visiting supermarkets to try and find nappies that had been panic bought and formula that people had bought for their tea and coffee.
I then gave birth to my baby the week lockdown started. By the hour guidance in hospital was changing - would my husband be allowed to stay with me and our baby, what would happen if we needed to stay in etc. I had a traumatic birth but thankfully we were all ok and discharged a few days later. I engaged with MH teams to process the traumatic birth as my HV advised I was displaying ptsd symptoms.
I then couldn’t introduce my baby to my family for months. I couldn’t receive the usual support from family, friends, community health teams - it all went virtual and whilst I’m sure everyone was doing their best, we were alone. It was shit.
We found a “new normal” and made the best of our situation as has the whole country.
We’ve lived with the worry of our baby getting ill, taking sensible precautions within the rules but not becoming prisoners in our home. Trying to achieve a balance.
Then last week my husband got a call from test and trace to say he had been in direct contact with a confirmed case. The same day dh, dd and I started coming down with a mild cough. Without the t&t call I wouldn’t have gotten tested for Covid as it wasn’t continuous but the call meant we all got tested.
Dh - positive
Dd and I - negative
So for a week now we have isolated from the world, and further more from dh.
I have done absolutely everything for dd without the usual support of being at a baby group where someone else takes on coming up with the songs for 30 mins, or my parents who will make a cuppa and help be an extra pair of eyes. I haven’t had my husband to help with the 24-7 nature of being a parent. I know there are single parents out there and good god I take my hat off to you.
I have also done everything for dh to prevent him leaving our bedroom, providing regular change of cloths to disinfect with, all his meals outside the door etc.
I have liaised with my lovely kind gp for exhaustion, and pushed my HV for help but as she hasn’t bothered speaking to us since the first few weeks I wasn’t surprised when she told me to get over it and watch my MH as I had wobbled at the start! (every time I’ve reached out I’ve been told she’s too busy or to try the go, and the wobble she refers to was birth trauma I dealt with immediately- chuffed she threw it back in my face) Last few days dd and I coughs have worsened so we re-tested today. Awaiting results.
This afternoon/ Tonight dd went downhill and became very raspy. I called gp who was closed for training. Directed to 111. Called back by 111 doctor who said it was likely Covid but that it was very unusual for a young baby to display symptoms and to have a face to face assessment with out of hours so he referred us in.
OOH called and dismissed me entirely, treated me like I was stupid and said “kids that get it are fine and you shouldn’t be taking her to see doctors who you could make ill- what would you want them to do anyway??” I got upset and insisted on a second doctor as I was being given conflicting advice.
Second doctor conducted a more thorough assessment using video call and dd has remained at home for now - she seems to be doing ok.
But I’m scared. For what the next 24 hours holds and for the longer term.
If dd and I are positive we have to extend our isolation from dh to avoid passing it back to him - I can’t do it alone any more.
If we are negative what happens in the future - I want to go about my life without fear but my baby - how do I give her normality whilst keeping her safe.
I just feel so exhausted. I feel like the tank is empty and yet the need is for me to keep doing and giving for everyone. I’m on my knees. I want to be a good mummy and I can’t get her access to services.
If you’ve gotten this far, thank you. And I’m sorry for moaning so much. I know I know I know people have died and experienced so much worse. I just feel so hopeless. Please try and give me a shred of hope or determination if you feel you want to comment.
If you can’t be kind please move past my thread.