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Original poster

Should we meet up with elderly parent

30 replies

JenniferSantoro · 28/09/2020 13:31

My 80 year old mother in law lives over 300 miles away from us and we’ve not seen her since before Covid. She’s fit and well although I don’t feel that helps.
My dh and I are going on a break a couple of hours from where she lives and he wants us to meet up with her for a visit. This would mean his mother catching a train into London then another one to where we are staying. MIL has a husband who has all kinds of health issues but he isn’t coming.

I feel that we shouldn’t be meeting up with MIL because I think we’ll put her and then her husband at risk. I don’t think the fact that MIL’s husband isn’t coming lessens his risk. I think her catching a train, going into London and then mixing with us is too risky. DH and I have both worked all the way through covid so are obviously coming into contact with other people (mainly fellow employees).
DH thinks that we should let his mum make the call as to whether she should take the risk. On top of that DH has asthma so I think may be classed as at risk.
I would appreciate some impartial thoughts.

OP posts:
MollysMummy2010 · 28/09/2020 14:24

I have just had lunch with my 86 yo mil who has traveled up from the south coast to London for the day so perhaps a bit u if she wants to do it.

Riceandpoppadoms · 28/09/2020 14:26

From an objective point of view, I have heard that hospitals are currently 'encouraging' patients with Covid-19 aged over 60 to sign do not resuscitate forms and writing on their records that they are not suitable for intensive care - that is relatively fit and healthy people in their 60s being told they are too old for the full range of treatment for Covid-19. I definitely won't be seeing my parents in their 70s until all this over (please let it be soon).

katy1213 · 28/09/2020 14:27

It wouldn't kill you to go to her rather than have her travel on two trains.

PersonaNonGarter · 28/09/2020 14:28

If you are only two hours drive, why don’t you visit her so she doesn’t need to do the journey.

Sorry, I think YABU - it’s her son! Try to let them see each other even if it is outdoors.

BatShite · 28/09/2020 14:31

I would leave the decision to her, its her that will be at increased risk after all, not you. Many older people wish to take the risk rather than not seeing people for potentially years. I used to be of the opinion that 'we should all avoid older people to keep them safe' until MIL spent a few weeks in a carehome and came back with horrific stories about how depressed many of the residents were and how they would much prefer to 'take the risk' Sad

Now MIL is coming regularly. And understands this is risky for her. Though we are her 'support bubble' this does not make it any less dangerous for her, its just a name/excuse for it really.

PoetaDeLosSandwiches · 28/09/2020 14:32

Why does she have to take the train to London? Why can't you go to her?

Abraid2 · 28/09/2020 14:33

@Riceandpoppadoms

From an objective point of view, I have heard that hospitals are currently 'encouraging' patients with Covid-19 aged over 60 to sign do not resuscitate forms and writing on their records that they are not suitable for intensive care - that is relatively fit and healthy people in their 60s being told they are too old for the full range of treatment for Covid-19. I definitely won't be seeing my parents in their 70s until all this over (please let it be soon).
My 82-Year old mother has had blood cancer and has spent summer seeing friends and even going to a wedding. With her cancer team’s approval. She is still receiving some treatment and nobody has mentioned DNRs for anything,

She is being very but not staying away from family if she can see them safely.

LastGoldenDaysOfSummer · 28/09/2020 14:34

You should go to her, surely?

Why on earth have you left it so long?

emptyshelvesagain · 28/09/2020 14:36

Cent you just go to see her? There is no need to tie it into a weekend away or have her taking multiple trains. Just make some time for her.

On top of that DH has asthma so I think may be classed as at risk.

Eh? He is at risk if he sees his mother but he is good to go on a break Confused

Riceandpoppadoms · 28/09/2020 14:38

"My 82-Year old mother has had blood cancer and has spent summer seeing friends and even going to a wedding. With her cancer team’s approval. She is still receiving some treatment and nobody has mentioned DNRs for anything"
I said patients with Covid-19. It is true.
A relative working in NHS says they have patients in hospital with Covid-19, all over 60, all had discussions about whether they are suitable for ITU, suitable for DNR. The NHS is starting to panic about Covid-19 again.

sunshinesupermum · 28/09/2020 14:42

Over 60s DNR? That is just ridiculous. At 60 I was just about beginning to enjoy life. I'm 72 now so DNR might be appropriate - will think about it.

Riceandpoppadoms · 28/09/2020 14:42

@sunshinesupermum

Over 60s DNR? That is just ridiculous. At 60 I was just about beginning to enjoy life. I'm 72 now so DNR might be appropriate - will think about it.
Yes, it is shocking and awful. These are relatively young and fit people.
Riceandpoppadoms · 28/09/2020 14:44

Perhaps because they only have about a dozen ITU beds and they are worried they will fill them all in September with Covid-19 patients.

Holyrivolli · 28/09/2020 14:44

She is a grown up who can decide what potential risks she wants to take. She has decided that she wants to spend time with her loved ones and it’s not up to you to veto that on her behalf. Nothing looks like changing any time soon with covid so how long do you think she should wait to see her son bearing in mind that realistically at the age of 80 every month that passes she is closer to death/ serious ill health anyway.

Why hadn’t he made the effort to go and see her? Sounds shitty that you’d expect her to travel up to see you rather than go to her.

AFireInJuly · 28/09/2020 14:44

I think it should be her decision.

Original poster
JenniferSantoro · 28/09/2020 14:46

Thanks for the responses and the objectivity.
@PoetaDeLosSandwiches
@katy1213
@LastGoldenDaysOfSummer we’ve always had her visit us four times a year for a few days. We would be more than happy to put the effort in to go and see her but due to a family fall out we don’t have contact with her husband, so she would rather come and visit us, as it gives her a break from her husband.

We have a face time call with her every week, so have maintained regular contact through Covid.

We have suggested that we go and meet her, in her home town but she wants to come and visit where we are staying. She’s very stubborn and independent.

OP posts:
SnuggyBuggy · 28/09/2020 14:49

I think it's up to her but surely it would lower the risks t o her if you took the train to where she lives.

BatShite · 28/09/2020 14:53

DNR does not mean do not treat though as many seem to think. Its simply about resuscitation, which is massively hard on both the body, and the person giving the treatment. Its nothing like on tv where its a couple of pushes then miraculous breath taken.

A friend of mine drowned at 25, was saved, resuscitated but in the process had many broken ribs and has ended up[ with a few lifelong medical issues also. Previously fit, to the point where he almost looked like an athlete and was in MUCH better shape than most others. Of course he is grateful for the 'second chance'. But he gets massively pissed by the multiple portrayals of the process as easy and quick in the media..its also rarely successful apparently.

Such treatment would be high risk for the person giving it too, all things considered, I kind of get it. But it should be for all really, not just over 60s.

jillandhersprite · 28/09/2020 14:56

I think your husband is taking the piss asking her to travel like that... Why don't you guys do the opposite journey from your accomodation and have a socially distanced catch up in the comfort of your mil's garden or home - rather than make her do all that public transport...

Original poster
JenniferSantoro · 28/09/2020 14:57

@Holyrivolli

She is a grown up who can decide what potential risks she wants to take. She has decided that she wants to spend time with her loved ones and it’s not up to you to veto that on her behalf. Nothing looks like changing any time soon with covid so how long do you think she should wait to see her son bearing in mind that realistically at the age of 80 every month that passes she is closer to death/ serious ill health anyway.

Why hadn’t he made the effort to go and see her? Sounds shitty that you’d expect her to travel up to see you rather than go to her.

We don’t expect her to do anything. We are unable to visit her at home due to a family fall out. As I mentioned in my update, she has always visited us several times a year but didn’t come during lockdown. She doesn’t want us to visit her at home as her husband makes it difficult. We have suggested many times that we come and see her but she insists on coming to us. I think she likes the break. @emptyshelvesagain My husband does have asthma but he’s never been told to shield and has been going into work all the way through lockdown as he’s an emergency services worker.
OP posts:
Ellsbells12 · 28/09/2020 14:57

@Riceandpoppadoms

From an objective point of view, I have heard that hospitals are currently 'encouraging' patients with Covid-19 aged over 60 to sign do not resuscitate forms and writing on their records that they are not suitable for intensive care - that is relatively fit and healthy people in their 60s being told they are too old for the full range of treatment for Covid-19. I definitely won't be seeing my parents in their 70s until all this over (please let it be soon).
What that is fucking disgusting
emptyshelvesagain · 28/09/2020 14:59

My husband does have asthma but he’s never been told to shield and has been going into work all the way through lockdown as he’s an emergency services worker.

So why mention in in the context of him being at risk from meeting his own mother?

emptyshelvesagain · 28/09/2020 15:03

@Riceandpoppadoms

From an objective point of view, I have heard that hospitals are currently 'encouraging' patients with Covid-19 aged over 60 to sign do not resuscitate forms and writing on their records that they are not suitable for intensive care - that is relatively fit and healthy people in their 60s being told they are too old for the full range of treatment for Covid-19. I definitely won't be seeing my parents in their 70s until all this over (please let it be soon).

Nobody is writing that fit and healthy over 60's are not suitable for intensive care in their medical records.

Mindymomo · 28/09/2020 15:05

Can you not pick her up from her home without seeing her husband, or meet her at the train station or a stop on route. We haven’t seen some family members since lockdown and feel we should do so now as we may be in another area lockdown before too long.

Original poster
JenniferSantoro · 28/09/2020 15:06

@emptyshelvesagain apologies for trying to give as much detail as possible. I’m still trying to get my head around what level of careful we need to be.
@jillandhersprite No one is asking her or expecting her to do anything. She WANTS to make the trip, she suggested coming to visit us whilst we were nearer to her, than where we actually live. My updates give some context around this and why she doesn’t want us to visit her at her home, which we would be more than happy to do.

OP posts: