MIL angry because we bubbled with DM

[Mosasaur]

MIL has kicked off because she’s found out that my DM is our bubble. DM is 78 and lives alone. She has no car and is high risk, if we didn’t pick her up she’d see nobody and be unable to get to hospital appointments. MIL is 59, lives with her boyfriend and works full time. She has a car and goes out regularly.

We usually visit every weekend with DC but had to stop due to lockdown. When we visited over the summer we social distanced. Obviously as DM is our bubble she doesn’t have to SD. MIL is furious to discover that DM is still able to see DC even though there’s a local lockdown. DH pointed out that even if we didn’t bubble with DM, we still wouldn’t be allowed to bubble with MIL because she’s a two person household. That didn’t go down well.

Now we’ve started arguing about Christmas. MIL has realised that if we’re still locked down we can spend Christmas with DM but we can’t see her. If we aren’t locked down there will probably be a limit of six - SIL’s family is 3, MIL and her bf are 2, so we couldn’t join them anyway. Last night MIL phoned DH and said if we’re not locked down he could join their group of 5 to make 6, and leave me with DM and DC. She’s not pleased that he said no.

I really don’t know how to resolve this. I’m not willing to un-bubble with DM “to make it fair” - she’s elderly and alone, and it would achieve nothing because we can’t bubble with MIL instead.

Don’t change your arrangements. They are fair and well thought out. To do anything else would be awful to your mum. Just ignore MiL, as, on this, she is totally wrong.

Honestly, I couldn't take a grown adult that threw tantrums like a child seriously and I would probably tell her to fuck off and grow up.

She's being totally unreasonable. I would just ignore and continue with what you're doing. Imagine actually suggesting that your husband ditch you and your children on Christmas Day 🤯

Just leave dh to deal with her.. Sounds like he is managing that just fine! Shame if your phone wasn't working and you blocked her number...

Your arrangements sound senseible.

You said she 'found out' - did you not tell her yourselves?

Maybe she’s hurt she “found out” and wasn’t in the know?

It's still September in very unpredictable times. Who knows what the situation will be like by Christmas and who will be able to do what.

She's being unfair, and you're doing the right thing, of course. But she probably just misses her grandkids. I'd stick to my stance, but try and be calm and understanding to her. Not knowing when you can hug your grandchildren must be hard. Just allow her her emotions temporarily.

Your mil is being ridiculous!

I won't be seeing my son or grandchildren on Christmas Day either. His mil is their bubble because she's alone. I'm not, I have a partner and children with me. She's a lot older while I'm still relatively young. Imagine me taking that day away from her with her daughter and grandchildren in her final years! Utterly horrible!

She sounds a right self centred selfish prat

she's being an arse. My family have the same arrangement and no quarrels there.

Also, she has her bf. So she can never be in your bubble. You'd think she'd be happy you can see your mum.

Don't change your arrangements, they sound like the most sensible. I would be mindful that she may be feeling hurt and lashing out because of that. Often MIL's are sidelined in favour of the wife's mother and there may have been various little things over the years that have built up this feeling in your MIL.

I am NOT excusing bad behaviour btw but sometimes a little understanding can go a long way.

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

Honestly, I couldn't take a grown adult that threw tantrums like a child seriously and I would probably tell her to fuck off and grow up.

Me too! I’d be ignoring the phone, then you can’t say anything you don’t regret.

It sounds like you are bubbling with the person who needs you most which is how it should be. I'd try to avoid getting into a debate with MIL and keep reiterating this.

Don't change your arrangements- MIL doesn't qualify for being in a bubble anyway as she isn't a single person. I'd not be drawn into her drama and go even lower contact for a while.

She’s inviting DH but not you or DC to Christmas? What a complete twat. Lockdown has been incredibly hard for people who live alone, she’s so very selfish to resent your mum having you for company.

We’ve bubbled with my mum and have seen less of my dad and stepmum. They’ve been genuinely pleased mum has had us. That’s how decent people behave.

You don’t need to have anything to do with her. Leave DH to wrangle her tantrums if he can be bothered. Sorry you’re going through this.

we are tentatively planning on Christmas being a Zoom or if still a 6 (!) doing a 2 day celebration
If we are in complete lockdown we thought about a Christmas in July (DSIL) has volunteered a bbq
Arguing about these things even if you "win" by emotional blackmail is always going to lead to a tense, uncomfortable visit - why do this? Better to grit teeth say very little & reorganise to make sure you do enjoy visits & keep a happy relationship.
jealousy is short sighted & eats you up

Your MIL is totally unreasonable. Not the same as we don't have bubbles, but my parents have taken it on the chin that we are unlikely to have Christmas together. Perhaps ever, unless they spend it with my in laws. It's not favouritism, just that both my DH and I are one of two, but his brother died, so they would otherwise be alone and my DPs have my sister. Sometimes higher need has to win out.

Let MIL spit feathers until she is done and calmly explain what you have here again and again and again until it sinks in.

Her Christmas suggestion is ridiculous, however I think if you had a good relationship before lockdown I think it may be wise to cut her some slack on this one. I know she has a car, job and a boyfriend, but to go from seeing your DGCs every week to socially distanced visits, then not seeing them at all must be hard for her, she obviously isn't coping well with it. No matter how good the reasons are, it must sting to know the other grandparent is allowed to see the children as normal.
I would leave contact with her to DH, but make sure you arrange a visit as soon as the local lockdown is over.

Ugh! I could not find the patience in me to listen to her utter BS. If she carries on badgering about it I'd just articulate it exactly as you've said to us. What's her response to DHs reasoning?

Just tell her to pack it in and then ignore.

Do not change your arrangements. They were brought in to benefit people like your mum who need and deserve human contact.

Btw I find it strange that SIL's husband and child are invited but your child and you are not. If she was limited to 6 people you'd think she wanted both of her children and grandchildren to make 6 or is that just me?

Let me understand this - she is inviting her son over for Christmas but is kicking off because she can't see her grandchildren but even with this suggestion, she still wouldn't be able to see her grandchildren as they would still be in the bubble with you and your DM, right?

She sounds like a bit of a drama queen and needs to understand that the Covid lockdowns are not all about her and not about inconveniencing her. LOADS of people are inconvenienced and you can do a "Christmas at Easter" celebration with her instead (if we're not still in lockdown/other measures by then).

All of that said, she does sound like she is missing seeing her grandchildren. Do you or your DH Skype call her or Zoom call her so that she can see them?

She's being utterly ridiculous, you've done the right thing. Why would you not bubble with your Mum, just to 'be fair' to someone who has a support network of her own

She's being ridiculous, selfish & nasty and needs to wind her neck in.

I'd point out the fucking obvious to her ONCE then I'd just block her - let DH deal with her ridiculous tantrums and DO NOT allow her to put you in a situation where you're increasing your DM's risk.

In your DH's position, I'd have no problem telling my mum what I thought if her attitude/behaviour/tantrums (not that my mum would behave like that, but she would silk!🙄🤣).

How far away is MIL?

Maybe your husband could think of popping over on CD if it would work?

But it does seem to be more about jealousy of your mum which makes me incline towards the "fuck her & carry on as you want".