MIL angry because we bubbled with DM

[Mosasaur]

MIL has kicked off because she’s found out that my DM is our bubble. DM is 78 and lives alone. She has no car and is high risk, if we didn’t pick her up she’d see nobody and be unable to get to hospital appointments. MIL is 59, lives with her boyfriend and works full time. She has a car and goes out regularly.

We usually visit every weekend with DC but had to stop due to lockdown. When we visited over the summer we social distanced. Obviously as DM is our bubble she doesn’t have to SD. MIL is furious to discover that DM is still able to see DC even though there’s a local lockdown. DH pointed out that even if we didn’t bubble with DM, we still wouldn’t be allowed to bubble with MIL because she’s a two person household. That didn’t go down well.

Now we’ve started arguing about Christmas. MIL has realised that if we’re still locked down we can spend Christmas with DM but we can’t see her. If we aren’t locked down there will probably be a limit of six - SIL’s family is 3, MIL and her bf are 2, so we couldn’t join them anyway. Last night MIL phoned DH and said if we’re not locked down he could join their group of 5 to make 6, and leave me with DM and DC. She’s not pleased that he said no.

I really don’t know how to resolve this. I’m not willing to un-bubble with DM “to make it fair” - she’s elderly and alone, and it would achieve nothing because we can’t bubble with MIL instead.

My DM is the one in our family prone to childish tantrums over this stuff.

Not age related, she’s always been quick to judge, expert martyr and will tell the world rather than do one minute’s mature contemplation of a situation. Certainly not improving with age.

I’ve started cutting off the sulky rants very early on. Or call her directly if I hear it 2nd hand. I say things like ‘Do you mean you miss the grandkids a lot, and are going through a dip in your Covid resilience, and need reassurance that we love you and MIL equally?’ There’s usually a silence, then a defiant ‘YES!’. So I say ‘Well since we’re all grownups, can you think through your feelings and choose some sentences that represent them, rather than putting us through hoops to translate for you? It’s a bit exhausting for us, and doesn’t get you what you want. You know we love you, so let’s just cut to the chase a bit more? Ok, have a think, talk tomorrow.’

She hates it, but it usually works. I think of it as the adult version of what we say to toddlers ‘Use your words!’

Any other response leads to weeks of drama and pantomime ‘hurt feelings’.

I feel for you.

You are bing fair, so glad your husband has more sense than his Mother.

Some people are just determined to see injustice where there isn't any. Try and ignore it all.

If my mil had a jealous tantrum and suggested seeing dh ar xmas and not including ds and I, then she would not be seeing any of us again. Ever.

Yes, she is kicking off. Sounds like she is trying to get her head round the new rules and lashing out because she is jealous your Mum is not as affected as you can bubble with her. As for Christmas, if she wants to see your family she'll have to get her head round seeing your's and your SIL' s family separately.

There's nothing to 'resolve'.

Just ignore her tantrums.

I can see why she's disappointed that she's not going to see you.

However, you've done the right thing and she needs to grow up. It makes complete sense, and really is the right thing.
Lets face it, her behaviour is handling endearing you to make an effort to see her when you can

You said she 'found out' - did you not tell her yourselves?
I don’t really talk to her. We’ve never got on. I visit with DH sometimes but I try to be low contact, DH often takes DC to visit by himself. DH phones her regularly and the topic of Christmas came up. So DH said the plans are up in the air, obviously we’ll have DM over as she’s our bubble, the rest depends on restrictions. Apparently that’s the first time he’s mentioned the bubble. MIL had just assumed that DM would be subject to the same restrictions as herself and was furious to find out that DM has actually been seeing us even more than usual for the past six months (because she can’t see anyone else).

@veryvery

Yes, she is kicking off. Sounds like she is trying to get her head round the new rules and lashing out because she is jealous your Mum is not as affected as you can bubble with her. As for Christmas, if she wants to see your family she'll have to get her head round seeing your's and your SIL' s family separately.

I know you’re being supportive to the op and i agree with you, however i just wanted to puck up on this thing about op’s mum not being ‘as affected as [op] can bubble with her’, i know this isn’t what you meant, but i’d take issue with it, elderly people living aline will have been massively massively affected by this, regardless of if they’re in a bubble with one child’s household, op’s mum will have been shielding and will have been unable to see her other children, friends, not being able to socialise etc - all of which may be worth pointing put to the mil (although she sounds very self absorbed and may not care). I really worry about the effect this is having on older people’s mental health, especially as a lot of them are of a generation where it’s taboo to ask for help.

Sorry, tangent, and i know you didn’t mean anything by it, just wanted to pick up on this (and it’s all the more reason to tell mil to go take her face for a shit as well)

*pick
*alone

My phone hates me

Do you or your DH Skype call her or Zoom call her so that she can see them?
Rarely. That’s up to DH to sort out and he doesn’t bother. She certainly doesn’t want a call from me and the feeling is mutual.

If she was limited to 6 people you'd think she wanted both of her children and grandchildren to make 6 or is that just me?
SIL travels several hours to visit so her husband would have to come with her. Also she gets on ok with him but doesn’t get on with me. I won’t lie, it spoils Christmas for me because we always have to see her, and I’m looking forward to a year off.

We are in a similar situation OP, in a bubble with my retired widowed mum who has been isolating herself as she has health issues. She doesn't have to shield - she didn't get a letter from the doctor - but she is very anxious. MIL is jealous that my DM gets to see us without SD and has made comments like 'when does my bubble start' MIL lives with partner and is working full time, so wouldn't qualify to bubble anyway. If she ever does try and kick off I will point out to her that we would all rather my dad was still alive so my mum wasn't alone 24/7 most days.

elderly people living alone will have been massively massively affected by this, regardless of if they’re in a bubble with one child’s household
I’m all she’s got now. Her friends are all shielding. They’re too scared to use buses any more. The pensioners bingo and WI has been closed since March. Her knitting group is cancelled. She lives in a 1 bed flat and I have a house with a garden. Some days I pick her up and bring her over even if I’m out, just so she can have more space and sit outdoors. She’s lucky because many of her friends say they see nobody for days or even weeks.

I get why MIL is annoyed that DM is seeing us and DC but she can’t. She knows we don’t get on and probably feels excluded. I just don’t know what else we can do?

If my mil had a jealous tantrum and suggested seeing dh at xmas and not including ds and I, then she would not be seeing any of us again. Ever.

The jealous tantrum thing is fair enough, but if there is a rule of 6 it is completely reasonable that a MIL would prioritise seeing her actual children on Christmas Day. This isn't likely to be a normal year, so you cannot apply the "we come as a family" rule because those who follow the law cannot just invite everyone. It is one thing to decline the invite as you want to spend Christmas Day as a family, but completely unreasonable to go no contact.

Do whatever works for you and do not change your plans. She is not alone, so she is in a different situation from your DM. It was selfish to expect you to split up your household for Christmas.

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

Honestly, I couldn't take a grown adult that threw tantrums like a child seriously and I would probably tell her to fuck off and grow up.

This.

@Mosasaur

elderly people living alone will have been massively massively affected by this, regardless of if they’re in a bubble with one child’s household I’m all she’s got now. Her friends are all shielding. They’re too scared to use buses any more. The pensioners bingo and WI has been closed since March. Her knitting group is cancelled. She lives in a 1 bed flat and I have a house with a garden. Some days I pick her up and bring her over even if I’m out, just so she can have more space and sit outdoors. She’s lucky because many of her friends say they see nobody for days or even weeks.

I get why MIL is annoyed that DM is seeing us and DC but she can’t. She knows we don’t get on and probably feels excluded. I just don’t know what else we can do?

Oh op that sounds so hard. I think this whole situation is a timebomb for elderly people’s mental health. I know all lunch clubs etc have been cancelled for the foreseeable. We see a lot about how it’s affecting young people and new mums etc but the elderly seem to be flying under the radar. You’ll just have to spell it out for her. Frame it in a way that makes her feel flattered and good even if you have to lie your titflaps off (“i know it’s horrible and unfair mil but i know that you are a kind and selfless person and we’re all doing our bit until this is over and i’m so grateful that you’re being so understanding, it’s helping so much”)

In short make her feel like shutting tf up about this is basically the same as clapping for the nhs except way more heroic

Sounds like your mil is just having a jealous fit, completely unreasonable in the current circumstances. Can she have regular zoom calls with the DC to keep in contact with them?

Can she have regular zoom calls with the DC to keep in contact with them?
I think I will push DH a bit more to do this. She wouldn’t want to chat to me but DH could do it if I encourage him.

@Girlzroolz

My DM is the one in our family prone to childish tantrums over this stuff.

Not age related, she’s always been quick to judge, expert martyr and will tell the world rather than do one minute’s mature contemplation of a situation. Certainly not improving with age.

I’ve started cutting off the sulky rants very early on. Or call her directly if I hear it 2nd hand. I say things like ‘Do you mean you miss the grandkids a lot, and are going through a dip in your Covid resilience, and need reassurance that we love you and MIL equally?’ There’s usually a silence, then a defiant ‘YES!’. So I say ‘Well since we’re all grownups, can you think through your feelings and choose some sentences that represent them, rather than putting us through hoops to translate for you? It’s a bit exhausting for us, and doesn’t get you what you want. You know we love you, so let’s just cut to the chase a bit more? Ok, have a think, talk tomorrow.’

She hates it, but it usually works. I think of it as the adult version of what we say to toddlers ‘Use your words!’

Any other response leads to weeks of drama and pantomime ‘hurt feelings’.

I feel for you.

I love this!! 😂

You are doing the right and only sensible thing and deep down your MIL probably knows that

The problem has been caused by your DH not being honest about the bubble from the start - that's what has really pushed her button. The hurt is understandable but she's also shocked. Hopefully she will come round

We had to tell all our parents we were bubbling with my auntie - she lives alone and had a mild heart attach a few weeks into lockdown so it's the only sensible solution

I would have made the same arrangements as you OP.

I think it’s a situation worthy of having a bit of empathy though. Yes she’s being a bit of a dick about it, but imagine how it would feel if you couldn’t see your children indefinitely and over Christmas.

Agree your DH could think a bit more about how she is feeling and how to communicate to her. It’s a really tough situation for everyone.

What sort of person holds a grudge against a vulnerable person during a global pandemic? She sounds controlling and extremely self centred.

She was just nasty suggestion you husband leaves his wife and kids on Christmas Day.

I'd be keeping her at arms length after lockdown lifts if I was too.

God she sounds like a fun, considerate person!

She actually expects your DH to ditch his kids on Christmas Day to spend it with her?! I think that is the most narcissistic, self indulgent thing I have ever hear!