Made to feel I’m overreacting about a meal out

[40somethingJBJ]

I’ve not been in a shop/pub/restaurant etc since March as I’m vulnerable plus I’m a carer for my extremely vulnerable dad. Some ex-work colleagues, who I normally go out with every few months, have arranged a meal out this weekend (7 households in total) and are ridiculing me for not going. They think I’m being silly for refusing to go, but I’m fairly sure the rules say only 2 households inside? I might be wrong though, I’m losing track of the changes! I’m just cross that they’re making me feel bad for being cautious. Am I in the wrong here?

This morning I’ve seen a friend on FB out to dinner with five other female friends indoors. She’s been out socialising so they’re not in her bubble. Three of the five women work in schools. I’m sure people think this pandemic is over and yes whilst we have to try and get back to some adjusted normal the level of selfishness is still shocking.

Putting aside restrictions, you should only do what you're otally comfortable doing. We've all had different circumstances going through this and many are still adapting while some just don't seem to care, which makes it harder for others moving on. If they are true friends they should be acknowledging that it's not the right time for you and accepting it.

Moving forward, if you haven't been out much, you'll probably feel much more comfortable trying one shop at a time, meeting friend in garden for SD coffee, then slowly progressing rather than been thrown in the deep end.

Just echoing the thoughts of the PP. if they were real friends they would respect the fact that you don't feel comfortable mixing because of your circumstances, regardless of what the restrictions might say.

We’ve not eaten in restaurant or been inside a pub since lockdown either and think the majority of people are still feeling this way as it’s just not worth the worry that you could pass something on to the vulnerable. I would love a meal out, but it can wait.

I don’t think it’s about the deep end though. It’s about relative risk. I’ve been shopping, eaten out (outside), been to church with social distancing & masks and catch the bus into work (although I don’t get much choice in this one). There’s absolutely no way I’d go to a pub (inside) especially on a Friday night.

It’s indoors, no masks, likely to be full of drunk people and you’ve got no idea how much those people have been following the guidelines.

Crickey, I could have written this, (in fact I am wandering if I actually know you)Same situation exactly, ex-work friends, found myself wringing my hands, thinking what I was going to say, basically I said, I knew people who had broken lockdown stayed with girl friends/boyfriends, etc I could not go inside with 8 people and broken the rules myself, and be a hypocrite.I agree with Rafals, relative risk, I am also carer for 1 DC, (adult) had another shielding since March (not with me)they were all sensible. I have shopped, wore gloves and masks since March, was told by eldest DD, a few weeks ago I was completely over the top, YET, she has a friend seriously ill since March, (Covid originally)

I think the pub are allowed more than 6 if it's made up of two households. So they could lie that it's two massive families or house shares, if that makes sense. The pubs Ive booked sat by booking you are agreeing that you're made up of two households/bubbles etc so it's up to the Booker not the pub. I'm not 100% on that but thought I read somewhere

I am not comfortable eating out yet. You can't wear a mask, You aren't overreacting. At my work we are in full PPE and aren't allowed fans yet. Anyone who enters has to wear a mask so meeting up with a group of people sounds crazy to me.

I wouldn’t do that either OP - you can hardly stay 1m apart from 6 other people!

You are not over reacting but why do you care so much what your friends think about you?

I have a freeing who is being very, very cautious about going out etc ...privately I do feel she is being a bit too cautious but I would never say anything to her and I am not going on and on about meeting up although I would love to see her.

Surely all you need to say is a breezy 'thanks for inviting me but I am it ready to go out yet, hope you have a great evening'. If you are focusing on the rules and the impact on yourself maybe you are coming over a little bit sanctimonious?

The sooner people stay home and accept less activities the sooner this virus will hopefully go. It drives me mad the hypocriticassy of it all. Everyone's out eating and drinking. Going to the cinema. Going into shops. Going for days out. Weeks away.

You are not wrong. People seem to think it's different now but it isn't

The thing is pubs and restaurants are relying on the honesty of people doing bookings and I can see why they don't want to police things by checking exactly how many households people do come from. What are they supposed to do, ask to see everyone's council tax bills? And then they're trying to make up for lost income, so they won't have the incentive to be that careful. If you look at the threads on here from people complaining when businesses do try to enforce the rules, you can see why owners find it so difficult.

You're right not to go OP. It's a sensible decision not to put yourself and the rest of your household at risk. If they were good friends they'd understand, not mock you.

It’s not just ‘guidance’ - it is thinking about other people in a way that will help protect them from harm. Why ridicule you about that? It’s similar to how people were ridiculed for not wanting to drink drive.

I don't blame you for being cautious. Sadly all the rules and regs about Covid are bringing out the worst in some people. You need to feel safe and so I'd ignore their comments. Do what you feel is best and if they don't agree, well hard cheese.

I wouldn't go either OP. Your friends should be respectful of your feelings and circumstances here.

@yeOldeTrout

What did they say to ridicule you, OP? Is there a difference between comment, teasing & ridicule?

Sorry, but it isn’t really. If someone tells you that they aren’t comfortable being involved in a situation, that should be enough for the other person. By making further comments or teasing, you’re telling them that they’re wrong. Their reason should be enough.

I knew people who had broken lockdown stayed with girl friends/boyfriends
I am very much a rule follower by nature and doing my best to stick to current guidelines, but I do think the above is a bit different to too many households socialising at a pub or restaurant. I find it frustrating to hear about people doing the latter, and wouldn't do it myself. However, couples living apart, where neither is the only adult in their household, have been completely shafted by the guidelines. Over 5 months into the restrictions, they are still supposed to be keeping 2m away from each other. I have no problem with them breaking this, if they are being sensible in other areas.

So many people here, in Northern Ireland are also acting as if the virus has left and as a result our infection rate is raising again. Considering our population numbers, it’s raising at a concerning rate in my area.

Just out of interest, do they all still work together on one premises? I saw a photo of a good friend out having dinner with her work friends and I as surprised as she's usually incredibly sensible. Then I realised they've spent all day together at work, in a care environment where distancing is hard and had then gone on to have dinner. I imagine for them its just no big deal when they are already in each others pockets day in day out.

I can totally see your point, I've been shielded and not been inside anywhere at all although I have eaten in pub gardens, we're meeting friends tomorrow and both myself and the wive of the couple have said no to eating inside a restaurant, if the weather doesn't improve I'm going to set up a pop up restaurant in my garden room as we can open the whole side up and still be sheltered. My friends have only done marginally more than I have in lockdown so the risk is minuscule but I still wouldn't feel comfortable in doors.

The fact they are pushing you and taking the mick is horrible and its something I've seen other vulnerable people mention a fair few times. I have the opposite problem, people are too scared of making me ill to include me in anything.

No, you're not being U; just following the rules. Do they know you're a carer for your dad? If they don't know, tell them. (It also would then seem a bit less like a criticism of their own choices, if they know you have special circumstances; and then they might shut up.) If they do, then they are being pretty mean.

The pub might not even let them in.

Thanks everyone. It’s amazing how something like this makes or breaks friendships! Another group of friends have been lovely about the fact I’m not wanting to meet up inside, but this particular lot are finding it hilarious and making comments about me being a drama queen etc. Certainly won’t be in a rush to join back in with the nights out when we’re all back to normal!

I organised drinks outside for our work team in Scotland. But I was very careful to respect those people who didn't feel comfortable coming - to be honest it was a blessing as could stay within numbers guidelines.
They are being rude and unkind and I'd think a lot less of them going forward. Also breaking the rules on how many different households are allowed inside is not cool at all.

YANBU. My answer would be 'In my circs I can't take any chances.'

I bet you're not the only one either.

They aren't friends if they take the piss out of your choices.

I agree with the OP and why she doesn’t want to go as she following current advice and shouldn’t be made to feel bad for doing so.
However, you can’t say everybody is going out etc etc that’s a sweeping generalisation.

People are being actively encouraged to go out - eat out to help out. People are also allowed to travel and go on holiday and are allowed in shops. They are doing nothing wrong