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DH depression due to work, really worried about him

32 replies

Itwontrainallthetime · 22/08/2020 17:28

Hello my dh is really depressed due to work , he has said that he would rather not wake up in the mornings so saying that he doesn't want to live anymore. We have 2 DC and says that he wouldn't do anything because he loves us all.
He is on anti depressants but his work is just getting him down and he doesn't look well at all,he's been looking for jobs and sending CV 's out for months now. I've mentioned for him to go to the doctor's but he's worried about being on the sick and not having money .But I told him that I'd rather him be happy and well than not have him here and we will try and manage with money till he finds a new job.
He was furloughed from work a few months ago and he was happier and no stress and looked alot better.
He has spoken too work about his mental health but they don't seem to care and sometimes even find it funny and throw digs at him . Which doesn't help with his depression.
I'm just scared what will happen if he continues to work where he is now as it's getting worse each week and his employers have been 10x worse since back off furlough.

My dh has old the same thing to a few people in RL about not wanting to be here anymore because of work. And a few have suggested for him to go on the sick and find another job, he is looking for another job but he still is working there.
I'm not sure how the sick works I know you get around £90 but we have been told that we could get help in other ways but my husband feels guilty as he wants to work but it's no good if it's making him think this way.

Anyone been in this situation before or have any advice for us as I'm worried and don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Suzi888 · 22/08/2020 22:33

He needs to see a GP if he’s having suicidal
thoughts or feels extremely depressed, not eating, losing weight.

Why is he depressed about work? What’s the trigger?
Who is he employed by? (What is his sick pay entitlement?)
Is he on the sick now? If so, for how long?
Is there a union? What kind of profession is he in? There should be support...

Itwontrainallthetime · 22/08/2020 23:54

He's not on the sick at the moment, but he has been in the past so he does get sick pay.

There is a very long list of things about his work place that is making him depressed, he's a mechanic at a family run business so there is no union.
They keep getting at him over little things, and he's had a few set backs with his mental health and his work knows about this, if my dh is having an off day, they will make it worse and think it's funny then say he's being too sensitive and to cheer up.
He always gets his wages last as they pay in cash , sometimes they give everyone else their wages and don't give my dh his, or leave it somewhere in a money bag in the garage for him to find.
There is more to it and there not the only things. He was assaulted by a work colleague and had to go into hospital ,so used all his holidays due to what went on, his bosses sacked his colleague as they seen it on the CCTV. DH didn't tell anyone about what happened , he started urinating blood after the assault so said to his boss he's in pain and peeing blood so can he finish the job he is on and then go to a&e .Whilst in the hospital the bosses must of found out what had happened . DH didn't want the guy to be sacked at all, it was the bosses desicion. But he's had a few people blame him for his colleague getting sacked, so that plays on his mind aswell, aswell as the other guy saying that my dh will get his commupence even though it wasn't his fault etc, so the atmosphere hasn't been too great on top of everything else.
Everything has just got two much for him.
He is exhausted constantly has been having palpitations, he's seen the doctor for blood tests , etc and there all fine.
Since going back after furlough his eating habits have changed he's only having one meal a day, when he gets in from work he's never hungry.
Some days with work being the way it is he has gone without his dinner as they have been let out late so he hasn't got time to eat it.
There is no help, he's tried talking to his bosses and people at work it will be ok for a few days and then it starts again and use what he's told them in confidence to get at him.

Sorry for this long post, and no paragraphs as I'm on my phone.

OP posts:
Suzi888 · 23/08/2020 08:02

@Itwontrainallthetime
Well he’s obviously experiencing distress at work, they’re bullying him under the guise of having a laugh. He has to ‘find’ his wages?! I’d be furious if I were him.
He sounds like he needs to be more assertive generally. There are classes to help build his self esteem which I think would be useful for him.

Presumably there’s no HR department and no paperwork to back up what’s happened to him. Has he documented these incidence? What happened and the dates etc They shouldn’t be breaking confidentiality either.
He could go to CAB, they have a lot of useful information online about raising a grievance with the employer. Obviously pursuing legal action will be quite stressful and costly in itself.

Can he stick it out and apply for other jobs? Can you survive without his wage if he quits and look for something else (anything, until he can secure a job as a mechanic?)

If he’s been assaulted in the workplace were the police called? Were statements taken? If this other man is continuing to make threats then the police need to be involved.

You have to have a break every six hours, they can’t flout the law, I know it does happen but he’s entitled to a break. Procedures have to followed and his employer sounds like they need reminding. From what you’ve said I don’t think your husband has the strength to deal with his employer at the moment. It seems easier for his mental health to just get out of there.

whatisforteamum · 23/08/2020 08:54

Oh goodness!
What.a dreadful situation to be in.I myself have had bouts of anxiety and depression and know exactly how your husband feels!.During furlough I felt like a new woman and started to eat properly.
From what.you say your husband works in a male dominated environment like myself.The culture is almost a bullying type and I have to hold my own to have fitted in over the years.It can be such hard work I was going through the menopause so get fragile and exhausted to start with.
I would get your dh to the GP.Probably medication is needed to help him get over this hump.I do wonder if being a mechanic it will be similar.else.where and he will have to.develop.a.thick skin.Obviously now he has had a break it seems harder to go back.
I cant.comment on the skipped meals hospitality is notorious for long hours so when I get in at 1030 I often nibble anything or nothing myself.
Sit him down and see if going on universal credit and perhaps thinking of a career change.You don't say if you work?You could he be the stay at home aren't and work part time and.you return to whatever you did before?
Sounds like he is lucky to have a kind supportive partner.

Pixel7777 · 23/08/2020 14:00

That sounds horrible. Not sure of your overall finances but you can look online at things like universal credit or ESA, sick pay and places like CAB may be able to advise. There is a site called entitledto as well, and a section on money / benefits on here I think...

Maybe he could go self employed, or look into other things such as delivery driving or any thing else in the meantime.

PJ6M · 23/08/2020 14:31

There are classes to help build his self esteem

You can't fix depression with classes. This is dangerous advice.

If he's been talking like this, then you must take him seriously and try to get him some professional help.

Help from a doctor. Not advice from anonymous people with no qualifications on an anonymous internet forum.

I'm speaking from experience...

Suzi888 · 23/08/2020 15:04

@PJ6M point taken. However I didn’t say you can fix depression with a class. I wouldn’t say it’s dangerous advice.

Firstly I said go to G.P.
Depression can’t be fixed, only managed.

Itwontrainallthetime · 23/08/2020 16:02

Thank you for all your replies

@Suzi888
I agree he needs to me more assertive and stop letting people treat him this way but its not in his nature, if it was me I would deffiantly speak up , It infuriates me and I have even wanted to go to his work and give them a piece of my mind but obviously I cant. Hes always been this way and then just bottles everything up. He deffinatly hasn't got the strength to deal with anything at the moment.

The police weren't called the lad who assaulted him has already been sent to prison before. So if he was reported then Im sure he would have lost more than his job. My dh didn't want the police involved but more than one of his mates said he should have.

He doesn't get a break at all during the day, he cant stop work for any amount of time, they have someone make brews for them but if they are seen drinking a brew then they get moaned at saying there not doing their work. Also if work is quiet they are expected to do jobs down at there bosses house.
I agree he needs out of there its been going on like this for over a year now and it just getting worse each day/week.

@whatisforteamum
He has been on antidepressants for a while now he has stepped up his dosage and there was a little improvement. I wouldn't like to think what he would be like if he wasn't taking something.

He said to me that he used to love being a mechanic and now working where he is has just put him off it all together. He is willing to do any job that gets him out of where he is now. But there isn't a lot going at the moment. He will sit there for hours applying for jobs.
I have been very lucky and be a stay at home mum for 11 years, as my husband is on a good wage, I have fibromyalgia, but I don't claim anything, as we get child tax credits so didn't need to and I don't know if I would be entitled to help. We discussed that I could go back to work and he could be home and get better and then he can look after the children and i wont have to worry then. I don't know how likely it would be for me to get a job or how my condition will be but I will deffinalty try to go back to work , if it means that my dh will be better.
We discussed maybe going on universal credit , I think he is just anxious because of all the paper work and phone calls, I usually do everything in that department but as he is the main earner he will have to do it, I of course will be there to help but its making the first step to get the ball rolling. If we can get universal credit then we will make sure we can manage.

@Pixel7777
He would love to go self employed and had discussed it with a member of his family that has their own business but his family member never gets round to discussing it with him. He was going to go into partner ship with his brother but I think its just a fear of the unknown.

After an incident again a few weeks ago , I said to my dh enough is enough and on Monday we will go to the doctors and tell them everything and maybe go on the sick. I said that its gone on to long and he cant carry on like this. No one should be treated the way my dh husband has been treated. Monday came and he got up for work, I said to him that we were going to get in at the doctors etc and he said I dont know what to do, but I will try and stick it out.
Then yesterday on the phone to him mum he told her he just wish he didn't wake up in the mornings etc.
I then spoke to his mum and we both said the same thing but when we tell my dh he just shuts off and carry on as usual.
I don't want to leave it too late and I'm terrified he will do something, but how do I get him to go to the doctors and get help? I also don't want him to resent me for him leaving work and having no money etc.
Does he want me to say right your not going into work, were going to the doctors and try and get you the help you need and ask to go on the sick.

I think tomorrow I will tell him that he's to ring in sick and we will get a doctors appointment and take it from there.

OP posts:
rosiethehen · 23/08/2020 16:47

The poor man, he needs to get out of there.

He should go on the sick then go down the legal route because he's being bullied.

Pixel7777 · 23/08/2020 16:50

Maybe after some time to recover he could then think about going self employed, then, sounds like that might be the way forward

oh just a thought there may even be start up grants for self employed recently, I saw something about that. Sounds like he needs a new start...

Suzi888 · 23/08/2020 16:54

@Itwontrainallthetime
That sounds like a good plan, he definitely shouldn’t go into work tomorrow.

Also, you can make the Universal Credit phone call just make sure your hubby is there in case there are questions you don’t know the answer to.

Due to COVID I imagine it’ll be a telephone doctor consult anyway, which could be a good thing as you’ll be with him and he doesn’t have to go anywhere.

Self employment sounds like a good route for your hubby.

It will get better, but there’s no way he should go to work tomorrow. He needs a complete break and a good GP. Good luck xx

KetoPenguin · 23/08/2020 16:55

There are times when you need to walk out and don't look back and I think this is one of them.

Itwontrainallthetime · 23/08/2020 18:10

@Suzi888 thank you for your advice and I will look we will look at those links @Pixel7777 has suggested thank you.

I have said to dh tomorrow for him not to go into work and we will get an dr appointment, he said he wants to have more money first, but I said we will be ok and he cannot go into work when he feels the way he does and saying that he wishes that he doesn't wake up in the morning. I think that it will be best for him to leave and not stick it out like he has been, as the problem is not going to get better the longer he stays and who knows what might happen.
He has been a mechanic for 17 years and its what he's used to and he wants to work , I think he goes to work hoping that things will be different when they are not and probably wont ever will be.

thank you to everyone who has replied

OP posts:
Itwontrainallthetime · 23/08/2020 18:12

If my husband is to go on the sick and gets sick pay from his employers , can he apply for universal credit straight away. or do we have to wait until his sick pay stops.

OP posts:
pheonixrebirth · 23/08/2020 18:29

I feel awful for you and your husband. Its no way to live.
I'm the only woman in my workplace and I can honestly say that I've never worked in such a bitchy & bullying place. And I've worked in offices before where it was 99% women.
The men I work with actually seem to revel in anyone else's misery!
I think he needs to get to the doctors and get signed off work with stress to begin with and then maybe his depression will improve.

I've been where he is in regards to not wanting to wake up in the morning and I can honestly say that the only thing that helped was actually taking action.

Suzi888 · 23/08/2020 18:31

@Itwontrainallthetime
He’s got a great set of skills he will be fine and in demand- build him up.

He’s very lucky to have you to support him. You may struggle financially for a little while but it’s not forever. He has to be happy and so do you.

Always apply for benefit straight away, it will depend on the amount of sick pay he gets, as to whether he will qualify. But never delay a claim. I used to work in benefits....
make sure you also claim council tax reduction/ support through your Local council.

Suzi888 · 23/08/2020 18:42

Ps you could claim PIP for your health issues. Could be a good time to look into your entitlements Smile

Pixel7777 · 23/08/2020 18:44

You could just ring the number for UC and ask. Also they have cancelled F2F appts for ESA for the forseeable so may be able to claim that straightaway.

Itwontrainallthetime · 23/08/2020 18:45

@Suzi888 I was thinking this, I can only try.

OP posts:
SummerHouse · 23/08/2020 18:53

He needs to get the hell out of there.

This is not failure. This will be the start of a better road. No person should have to put up with what he has. He has been an absolute hero to last this long but enough is enough. The real test of strength is to get out now for his own good and the good of his family. You can do this OP. Please tell your DP he is amazing. He deserves a better life. His job sounds like a prison where he has committed no crime. Like in the film Shawshank redemption, I wish you the paradise Island with golden sand and deep blue sky. It's waiting for you. Things will get better. GP, sick leave, recovery, new life. Flowers

Itwontrainallthetime · 23/08/2020 18:55

@pheonixrebirth I agree 100%, I have been in a few work places where its been all women lots of bitching , too faces and back stabbing and what my dh is going through its worse than women and the school playground put together.
How some people treat others is appalling and its always the decent people that bare the brunt of it all and it wears them to the ground till there a shell of themselves .

OP posts:
Snog · 23/08/2020 19:08

Are you able to work so as to take the pressure off DH for a while?

Itwontrainallthetime · 23/08/2020 19:12

@SummerHouse thank you, made me cry, he is the best dh and person you could ever meet and has a loving family that tell him they are proud of him but he's so low he doesn't believe it, he is amazing.

I am very greatfull for all the advice I have been given today, it feels like there is a way out and where my dh can be happy again, will be a long road and we will struggle for a while but it will all be worth it in the end and my dh will be safe and still with us .

OP posts:
pheonixrebirth · 23/08/2020 19:12

@Itwontrainallthetime
Yep I've been there. Dealt with the odd office bitch but never anything I couldn't handle.
When I started working where I am now I was looking forward to it thinking i wouldn't have any of that??
How wrong was I 🤦‍♀️
I'm lucky that they leave me alone out of some kind of respect that I'm the only woman there, however the way they are with each other is just plain nasty and at best downright uncomfortable to witness. I'm currently looking for another job because of this very reason.
Your husband deserves a hell of a lot better than this toxic place where he's clearly not respected. The people he works with will never change, only your husband can create the change needed to get his life, mental health and happiness back.

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