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Original poster

DS wants to go for a sleepover

39 replies

Littlemiss74 · 10/08/2020 18:22

DS 12 has become very moody & withdrawn during lockdown. I was sent a shielding letter so we were very careful and didn’t see anyone for ages. As time went on I became a bit less anxious about the virus and more anxious about his mental health.
I contacted a mum of a boy from school and they have been meeting up regularly on their bikes and he has been in his house once. This seemed to make him alot happier.

The other boy has now asked him for a sleepover to which I’ve said no as it seems a step too far. A mighty meltdown has followed and I am apparently the worst parent in the world!

Just wondering what other people’s thoughts were. I have explained to him on many occasions that I have to be careful because of my medication but he doesn’t get it and basically just hates me🙁 Should I let him go seeing as they spend most of their time together anyway?

OP posts:
Spied · 10/08/2020 18:28

I'd not be happy with the sleepover.
You've been sensitive to his needs. You've give an inch and he's taking a mile.
No sleepover and if meltdowns continue I'd be curbing the meeting up.
He's at an age where he is aware of the risks.

caramac04 · 10/08/2020 18:31

I am my DGC’s childminder but am vulnerable due to long term chronic disease. I look fit and healthy, was out running at 06:30 this morning.
DGS has been invited to a sleepover with 3 other boys but needs my permission to go.
I’ve said no, DH is vulnerable due to age and cares for his very frail, elderly DF. If either of us become ill then there is no childcare and FiL would have to have paid carers in - he would genuinely rather die. Extreme but true.
DGS bombarded me with texts yesterday, my much needed day off, even after I said I wasn’t discussing it.
I know he is desperately sad to miss out but I think it’s too risky. Perhaps I’m wrong and I do feel bad about it.
OTOH, he’s not mentioned it to me today and has completed reading and learning tasks without fuss. Makes me feel worse.
He has been texting his DM at times today asking her to get me to change his mind.
Personally I am furious with the mum who’s set all this up, I’m not sure which mum it is or I would be having a discussion with her.

user1471530109 · 10/08/2020 18:31

My darling neighbours DC is on the shielding list and they've been having sleepovers Hmm. So have other friends on FB Confused

You are absolutely right to say no. I can't understand why anyone after all we've gone through the last 6 months thinks this is a good idea. Playdates or friends round in the garden or meet up in park etc. But not a sleepover i wouldn't allow them in house either but I'm clinically vulnerable

Original poster
Littlemiss74 · 10/08/2020 18:32

Thanks @Spied that is what my gut instinct is telling me too but it’s just so hard. He finds it hard to form close friendships and he’s really bonded with this boy. I have always felt upset that he didn’t get invited to sleepovers before and now he has and I don’t want him to go! Doesn’t help that DH seems to think it’s ok! It’s all horrible mum’s fault🙁 I wish the other mum wasn’t ok with it, would make things alot easier!

OP posts:
Waxonwaxoff0 · 10/08/2020 18:35

I let my DS go to a sleepover last weekend. He's an only child, has suffered immensely during lockdown and quite frankly his mental health is a bigger concern to me than coronavirus.

Gymntonic · 10/08/2020 18:49

My feeling is that you need to find a compromise here OP. Your son is struggling and your update shows why it's so important to him. Talk to your son, DH and to the other boy's mum. What compromise can you broker between you? Movie night? Camping out in the garden in two tents until home for bedtime? I don't know but you need to show your boy that you hear his needs too and that you support his friendship.

And agree what changes you need to see to allow a sleepover? Give him a promise that when x, y and z are in place you will agree and stick to it. This isn't going away anytime soon and your boy is growing up fast.

rookiemere · 10/08/2020 18:50

I'd let him go. He's going to be back at school soon, mixing with many pupils and teachers. Overnight stays in another house are allowed. Cases are relatively low at the minute and he's already spending time with his friend so odds are he'd catch it anyway if it was there to be caught which is unlikely.

Original poster
Littlemiss74 · 10/08/2020 19:01

I know what you mean @Gymntonic and you’re right I do need to talk to him but whenever I try and explain why I need us all to be cautious it just doesn’t seem to register with him. I don’t want to go on about it to my dc’s all the time and make them terrified.
Part of me thinks well soon they’re going to be in a room with 30 other ‘households’ so does this really matter!

To be honest I’m exhausted and drained from all of it; the shielding, the wfh, the homeschooling, me being perimenopausal and him starting puberty (not a good mix!) All we do is argue about everything. Hard enough letting your child go when they suddenly want to be independent let alone when there’s a pandemic going on & I’ve been frightened by letters telling me I’m at high risk one minute but the next minute shielding is paused and everything’s hunkydory again for shielders.

I’m quite scared but I don’t want to scare the life out of my kids. My head feels done in with it all and there doesn’t even seem to be an end in sight!😥

OP posts:
Remmy123 · 10/08/2020 19:02

I'd say let him go and it will be fine

Gymntonic · 10/08/2020 19:06

Leave it to your DH to talk to him and come up with suggestions. Your son is emotional because he can't square the circle any easier than you can. He loves you but wants this very much. You and your dh need to show him how you manage this sort of thing . Could you ( just you I mean)semi isolate at home for a fortnight after the sleepover maybe whilst your DH and kids get in with it.
Talk to the other mum. She might be able to help with separate loo, keeping distance etc.

Infullbloom · 10/08/2020 19:07

Kids under 12 don't have to social distance here and my 11 Yr old has had a sleepover, they're all back at school this week anyway. His older cousin had a friend to stay but he slept in a separate room, would that be an option?
I should add in both circumstances the parents of all the dc knew each other well and had been more or less self isolating, working from home, no group socialising etc..

FourFlapjacksPlease · 10/08/2020 19:08

I'm allowing sleepovers for my children now. Numbers are incredibly low where I live and we are all low risk. I'm only meeting people outside and currently on furlough so not working.

I think you just need to weigh up the risks in your situation. I decided my kids needed more contact with their peers and I'm happy with that decision.

LilaButterfly · 10/08/2020 19:09

If they hang out together all the time, i dont see why the sleepover is gonna make a difference. They might be shaking hands, hugging, touching the same stuff or whatever anyways.

tootyfruitypickle · 10/08/2020 19:10

I have said no to a sleepover from a child from a different area and school (no issue as dd also didn’t want to go), but I would agree to one of her local friends in her school if it was just 2/3 of them. They’re meant to social distance, but I think that’s impossible at a sleepover which is why we both felt the first sleepver invite wouldn’t work

OverTheRainbow88 · 10/08/2020 19:13

@LilaButterfly

There’s a BIG difference between 2 kids going out biking outside together And a sleepover. At the sleepover the child will use the other families loo/eat their food/ be in the house with all the family etc etc

If I were shielding I wouldn’t allow a sleepover.

Gymntonic · 10/08/2020 19:14

Sorry but by talking to him I really mean listen to him. The book "How to talk to teens so they will listen" might help you here. It's about learning to share control and juggle different needs and priorities as he grows into adulthood

XiCi · 10/08/2020 20:02

I let my DS go to a sleepover last weekend. He's an only child, has suffered immensely during lockdown and quite frankly his mental health is a bigger concern to me than coronavirus
Exactly this. My dd went to a sleepover on Saturday and I'll be returning the favour with her friend this weekend. We've also been camping with another family. I'm not shielding though so can understand your reticence.

Uhoh2020 · 10/08/2020 20:11

Isn't it more of a risk for the other household letting your ds in that your ds going into a new household?

Id find out the finer details first as in, will he have his own bed to sleep in or will they be sharing? If you have already allowed him to go inside previously how staying over night is any different, its just a different time of day. You could strip him at the door, shower him and boil wash everything he has taken when he comes home.

IncidentsandAccidents · 10/08/2020 20:15

Dd is going for a sleepover next week (her first ever!) but I wouldn't have allowed it if anyone in either household had been previously shielding. I would stick to your guns, OP, it sounds like you've taken a very measured and sensible approach.

Spied · 10/08/2020 20:21

I think the risks involved in going into someone else's house are equal to the visitor and the inhabitantsConfused. Surely.
OP, you are not happy with the sleepover.
Likewise I would be an anxious mess.
Meeting up is very different to staying at someone's house and using their bathroom, beds etc as a pp stated.
Trust your instincts on this.

blacktop · 10/08/2020 20:24

Shielding is paused and sleepovers are allowed so why not? I would let him. Mental health is vitally important.

Redlocks28 · 10/08/2020 20:24

If he’s going back to school soon to be jam packed into classrooms with hundreds of other children and the government deem that perfectly safe, I’m sure one sleepover will be fine.

user1471530109 · 10/08/2020 20:35

@blacktop

Shielding is paused and sleepovers are allowed so why not? I would let him. Mental health is vitally important.
Pretty sure we aren't allowed sleepovers! I apologise if I've missed that we can now stay over at people's houses.

I think the idea of camping in the garden is a great suggestion. Ideally two tents, have a fire pit and BBQ. They'd have a great time. Yes loos would be used, but I'm sure you wouldn't mind wiping over the bathroom the few times it's used?

dementedpixie · 10/08/2020 20:38

you can stay over at others houses but you are supposed to socially distance which isn't going to happen with kids

blacktop · 10/08/2020 20:43

I'm in Scotland and kids don't have to socially distance here, hence sleepovers being ok. Sorry I didn't realise you couldn't have them elsewhere

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